Lay your scene principally in Galway, and let your chief characters
be the officers of a regiment of Dragoons. Represent them as habitual
drunkards, as duellists, and as practical jokers; but take care to
exclude from their tricks everything like wit. Introduce as frequently
as possible, with the necessary variation only of time, place, and
circumstance, a tipsy brawl, with a table oversetting in the midst of
it, and a ragamuffin with a great stick in his hand, capering thereon.
Do not omit to mention the bottles and glasses that whistle, during
this performance, about his ears, nor the chairs and fire-irons which
are used by the surrounding combatants; and under the table fail not
to place your comic character; for instance, your priest. Upset mail
coaches, and make horses run away with their riders continually: and be
careful, having bribed some clever artist to prostitute his talents,
to have all these intellectually humorous scenes illustrated, in that
your readers may fully appreciate the only jokes they are likely to
understand. Put "an affair of honour" into about every other chapter;
and for the credit and renown of your country, you being an Irishman,
exhibit it as conducted with the most insensate levity. Indeed, in
furtherance of this object, depict your countrymen in general as a set
of irrational, unfeeling, crazy blockheads; only, not having sense
enough to be selfish, as lavish and prodigal in the extreme. Never mind
your plot, but string adventure upon adventure, without sequence or
connexion; just remembering to wind up with a marriage. For example,
your hero may shoot some old gentleman through the head--or hat--and
run away with his niece, an heiress. Whenever you are at a loss for
fun--that is, when you find it impracticable to tumble or knock one
another down--throw yourself on your brogue, and introduce--"Arrah!
now, honey, be aisy." "Long life to yer honour, sure, and didn't I?"
"Is it praties, ye mane?" "Sorrow a bit." "_Musha!_" "_Mavourneen!_"
and the like phrases (having the interjectional ones printed in
italics, that their point may be the more obvious), which you will find
excellent substitutes for wit. Your tale, thus prepared, take it to
some publisher, and let him serve it up monthly to the unintelligent
portion of the public with puff sauce.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Irish Manservant (who has been requested by a guest
to procure him a bluebottle for fishing purposes--returning from his
quest)._ "If ye plaze, sorr, would a green soda-water bottle be what
ye're wantin'?"]