and preparing his razors; instead of putting some water into his
bason, he drew out of his case a very nice astrolabe, went out of my
room, and walked into the middle of the court, with a sedate step,
to take the height of the sun. He returned with the same gravity,
and on entering the chamber, ‘You will, no doubt, be glad to
learn, sir,’ said he, ‘that this Friday is the eighteenth day of
the moon of Safar, in the year six hundred and fifty three, [6]
since the retreat of our great prophet from Mecca to Medina, and in
the year seven thousand three hundred and twenty, [7] of the epoch
of the great Iskander with the two horns; and that the conjunction
of Mars and Mercury signifies, that you cannot choose a better time
than the present day and present hour to be shaved. But, on the
other side, this conjunction forms a bad presage for you. It
demonstrates to me, that you in this day will encounter a great
danger; not indeed of losing your life, but of an inconvenience
which will remain with you all your days; you ought to be obliged to
me for advertising you to be careful of this misfortune; I should be
sorry that it befel you.’
“Judge, gentlemen, of my vexation, at having fallen in the way of
this chattering and ridiculous barber: what a mortifying delay for a
lover, who was preparing for a tender meeting with his mistress! I
was quite exasperated. ‘I care very little,’ said I angrily,
‘either for your advice or your predictions: I did not send for
you to consult you on astrology; you came here to shave me;
therefore either perform your office or take yourself away, that I
may send for another barber.’
“‘Sir,’ replied he, in a tone so phlegmatic that I could
scarcely contain myself, ‘What reason have you to be angry? Do not
you know, that all barbers are not like me, and that you would not
find another such, even if you had him made on purpose. You only
asked for a barber, and in my person are united the best barber of
Bagdad, an experienced physician, a profound chemist, a
never-failing astrologer, a finished grammarian, a perfect
rhetorician, a subtle logician; a mathematician, thoroughly
accomplished in geometry, arithmetic, astronomy, and in all the
refinements of algebra; an historian, who is acquainted with the
history of all the kingdoms in the universe. Besides these sciences,
I am well instructed in all the points of philosophy; and have my
memory well stored with all our laws and all our traditions. I am a
poet, an architect; but what am I not? There is nothing in nature
concealed from me. Your late honored father, to whom I pay a tribute
of tears every time I think of him, was fully convinced of my merit.
He loved me, caressed me, and never ceased quoting me in all
companies, as the first man in the whole world. My gratitude and
friendship for him attaches me to you; and urges me to take you
under my protection, and insure you from all the misfortunes with
which the planets may threaten you.’
“At this speech, notwithstanding my anger, I could not help
laughing. ‘When do you mean to have done, impertinent
chatterer,’ cried I, ‘and when do you intend to begin shaving
me?’
“‘Sir,’ replied the barber, ‘you do me an injury by calling
me a chatterer: every one, on the contrary, bestows on me the
honorable appellation of silent. I had six brothers, whom you might
with some reason have termed chatterers, and that you may be
acquainted with them, the eldest was named Bacbouc, the second
Bakbarah, the third Bakbac, the fourth Alcouz, the fifth Alnaschar,
and the sixth Shacabac. These were indeed most tiresome talkers, but
I, who am the youngest of the family, am very grave and concise in
my discourses.’
“Place yourselves in my situation, gentlemen; what could I do with
so cruel a tormentor? ‘Give him three pieces of gold,’ said I to
the slave who overlooked the expenses of my house, ‘and send him
away, that I may be at peace; I will not be shaved
to-day.’--‘Sir!’ cried the barber, at hearing this, ‘what am
I to understand, sir, by these words? It was not I who came to seek
you; it was you who ordered me to come; and that being the case, I
swear by the faith of a musselman, that I will not quit your house
till I have shaved you. If you do not know my worth, it is no fault
of mine; your late honored father was more just to my merits. Every
time, when he sent for me to bleed him, he used to make me sit down
by his side, and then it was delightful to hear the clever things I
entertained him with. I kept him in continual admiration; I
enchanted him; and when I had done, ‘Ah!’ cried he, ‘you are
an inexhaustible fund of science; no one can approach the
profoundness of your knowledge.’--‘My dear sir,’ I used to
reply, ‘you do me more honor than I deserve. If I say a good
thing, I am indebted to you for the favorable hearing you are so
good as to grant me: it is your liberality that inspires me with
those sublime ideas which have the good fortune to meet your
approbation.’ One day, when he was quite charmed with an admirable
discourse I had just concluded, ‘Give him,’ cried he, ‘an
hundred pieces of gold, and put him on one of my richest robes!’ I
received this present immediately; and at the same instant I drew
out his horoscope, which I found to be one of the most fortunate in
the world. I carried the proofs of my gratefulness still farther,
for I cupped him instead of bleeding him with a lancet.’
“He did not stop here; he began another speech which lasted a full
half hour. Fatigued with hearing him, and vexed at finding the time
pass without my getting forward, I knew not what more to say. ‘No
indeed,’ at length I exclaimed, ‘it is not possible that there
should exist, in the whole world, a man who takes greater delight in
enraging people.’
“I then thought I might succeed better by gentle means. ‘In the
name of God,’ I said to him, ‘leave off your fine speeches, and
finish with me quickly: I have an affair of the greatest importance,
which obliges me to go out, as I have already told you.’ At these
words he began to laugh. ‘It would be very praiseworthy,’ said
he, ‘if our minds were always wise and prudent; however, I am
willing to believe, that, when you put yourself in a passion with
me, it was your late illness which occasioned this change in your
temper; on this account, therefore, you are in need of some
instructions, and you cannot do better than follow the example of
your father and your grandfather: they used to come and consult me
in all their affairs; and I may safely say, without vanity, that
they were always the better for my advice. Let me tell you, sir,
that a man scarcely ever succeeds in any enterprise, if he has not
recourse to the opinions of enlightened persons: no man becomes
clever, says the proverb, unless he consults a clever man. I am
entirely at your service, and you have only to command me.’
“‘Cannot I then persuade you,’ interrupted I, ‘to desist
from these long speeches, which tend to no purpose but to distract
my head, and prevent me from keeping my appointment: shave me
directly, or leave my house.’ In saying this I arose, and angrily
struck my foot against the ground.
“When he saw that I was really exasperated with him, ‘Sir,’
said he, ‘do not be angry; we are going to begin directly.’ In
fact he washed my head, and began to shave me; but he had not made
four strokes with his razor, when he stopped to say, ‘Sir, you are
hasty; you should abstain from these gusts of passion, which only
come from the devil. Besides which, I deserve that you should have
some respect for me on account of my age, my knowledge, and my
striking virtues.’
“‘Go on shaving me,’ said I, interrupting him again, ‘and
speak no more,’--‘That is to say,’ replied he, ‘that you
have some pressing affair on your hands; I’ll lay a wager that I
am not mistaken.’--‘Why I told you so two hours ago,’ returned
I, ‘you ought to have shaved me long since.’--‘Moderate your
ardor,’ replied he, ‘perhaps you have not considered well of
what you are going to do; when one does any thing precipitately, it
is almost always a source of repentance. I wish you would tell me
what this affair is, that you are in such haste about, and I will
give you my opinion on it: you have plenty of time, for you are not
expected till noon, and it will not be noon these three
hours.’--‘That is nothing to me,’ said I, ‘people of honor,
who keep their word, are always before the time appointed. But I
perceive that in reasoning thus with you, I am imitating the faults
of chattering barbers; finish shaving me quickly.’
“The more anxious I was for dispatch, the less so was he to obey
me. He left his razor to take up his astrolabe; and when he put down
his astrolabe he took up his razor.
“He got his astrolabe a second time, and left me half shaved to go
and see what o’clock it was precisely. He returned. ‘Sir,’
said he, ‘I was certain I was not mistaken; it wants three hours
to noon, I am well assured, or all the rules of astronomy are
false.’--‘Gracious Heaven!’ cried I, ‘my patience is
exhausted, I can hold out no longer. Cursed barber, ill-omen’d
barber, I can hardly refrain from falling upon thee and strangling
thee.’--‘Softly sir,’ said he coolly, and without showing any
emotion and anger, ‘you seem to have no fear of bringing on your
illness again; do not be so passionate and you shall be shaved in a
moment.’ Saying this he put the astrolabe in his case, took his
razor, which he sharpened on the strop that was fastened to his
girdle, and began to shave me; but whilst he was shaving he could
not help talking. ‘If you would, sir,’ said he, ‘inform me
what this affair is, that will engage you at noon, I would give you
some advice, which you might find serviceable.’ To satisfy him, I
told him that some friends expected me at noon to regale me, and
rejoice with me on my recovery.
“No sooner had the barber heard me mention a feast, than he
exclaimed, ‘God bless you on this day as well as on every other;
you bring to my mind, that yesterday I invited four or five friends
to come and regale with me to-day; I had forgotten it, and have not
made any preparations for them.’--‘Let not that embarrass
you,’ said I; ‘although I am going out, my table is always well
supplied, and I make you a present of all that is intended for it
to-day; I will also give you as much wine as you want, for I have
some excellent in my cellar; but then you must be quick in finishing
to shave me; and remember that instead of making you presents to
hear you talk, as my father did, I give them to you to be silent.’
“He was not content to rely on my word. ‘May God recompense
you,’ cried he, ‘for the favor you do me; but show me directly
these provisions, that I may judge if there will be enough to regale
my friends handsomely; for I wish them to be satisfied with the good
cheer I shall give them.’--‘I have,’ said I, ‘a lamb, six
capons, a dozen of fowls, and sufficient for four courses.’ I gave
orders to a slave to produce all that, together with four large jugs
of wine. ‘This is well,’ replied the barber, ‘but we shall
want some fruit, and something for sauce to the meat.’ I desired
what he wanted to be given him. He left off shaving me to examine
each thing separately, and as this examination took up nearly half
an hour, I stamped and swore; but I might amuse myself as I pleased,
the rascal did not hurry a bit the more. At length, however, he
again took up the razor and shaved for a few minutes, then stopping
suddenly, ‘I should never have supposed, sir,’ said he, ‘that
you had been of so liberal a turn; I begin to discover, that your
late father, of honored memory, lives a second time in you;
certainly I did not deserve the favors you heap on me; and I assure
you, that I shall retain an eternal sense of the obligation; for,
sir, that you may know it in future, I will tell you that I have
nothing but what I get from generous people like yourself, in which
I resemble Zantout, who rubs people at the bath, and Sali, who sells
little burnt peas about the streets, and Salouz, who sells beans and
Akerscha, who sells herbs, and Abou Mekares, who waters the streets
to lay the dust, and Cassem, who belongs to the caliph’s guard:
all these people give no reception to melancholy; they are neither
sorrowful nor quarrelsome; better satisfied with their fortune than
the caliph himself in the midst of his court, they are always gay
and ready to dance and sing; and they have each their peculiar dance
and song, with which they entertain the whole city of Bagdad; but
what I esteem the most in them is, that they are none of them great
talkers any more than your slave, who has the honor of speaking to
you. Here, sir, I will give you the song and the dance of Zantout,
who rubs the people at the bath; look at me, and you will see an
exact imitation.’
“The barber sung the song and danced the dance of Zantout, and
notwithstanding all I could say to make him cease his buffoonery, he
would not stop till he had imitated in the same way all those he had
mentioned. After that, ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘I am going to invite
all these good people to my house, and if you will take my advice,
you will be of our party, and leave your friends, who are perhaps
great talkers, and will only disturb you by their tiresome
conversations, and will make you relapse into an illness still worse
than that from which you are just recovered; instead of which, at my
house, you will only enjoy pleasure.’
“Notwithstanding my anger, I could not avoid laughing at his
folly. ‘I wish,’ said I, ‘that I had no other engagement, and
I would gladly accept your proposal; I would with all my heart make
one of your jolly set, but I must entreat you to excuse me, I am too
much engaged to-day; I shall be more at liberty another day, and we
will have this party: finish shaving me, and hasten to return, for
perhaps your friends are already arrived.’--‘Sir,’ replied he,
‘do not refuse me the favor I ask of you. Come and amuse yourself
with the good company I shall have; if you had once been with such
people, you would have been so pleased with them, that you would
give up your friends for them.’--‘Say no more about it,’ said
I; ‘I cannot be present at your feast.’
“I gained nothing by gentleness. ‘Since you will not come with
me,’ replied the barber, ‘you must allow me then to accompany
you. I will go home with the provisions you have given me; my
friends shall eat of them if they like; and I will return
immediately. I cannot commit such an incivility as to suffer you to
go alone; you deserve this piece of complaisance on my
part.’--‘Good heaven,’ exclaimed I, on hearing this,’ am I
then condemned to bear this whole day so tormenting a creature! In
the name of the great God,’ said I to him, ‘finish your tiresome
speeches; go to your friends; eat and drink, and entertain
yourselves, and leave me at liberty to go to mine. I will go alone,
and do not want any one to accompany me; and indeed if you must know
the truth, the place where I am going is not one in which you can be
received; I only can be admitted.’--‘You are joking, sir,’
replied he, ‘if your friends have invited you to an entertainment,
what reason can prevent me from accompanying you? You will give them
great pleasure, I am sure, by taking with you a man like me, who has
the art of entertaining a company and making them merry. Say what
you will, sir, I am resolved to go in spite of you.’
“These words, gentlemen, threw me into the greatest embarrassment.
‘How can I possibly contrive to get rid of this infernal
barber,’ thought I to myself. ‘If I continue obstinately to
contradict him, our contest will never be finished. I have already
waited till they have called the people to noon prayers for the
first time,’ and as it was now almost the moment to set out, I
determined, therefore, not to answer him a single word, and to
appear as if I agreed to every thing he said. He finished shaving
me, and he had no sooner done, than I said to him, ‘Take some of
my people with you to carry these provisions home; then return here;
I will wait, and not go without you.’
“He then went out, and I finished dressing myself as quickly as
possible. I only waited till they called to prayers for the last
time, when I hastened to commence my expedition; but this malicious
barber, who seemed aware of my intentions, was satisfied with
accompanying my people only within sight of his own house, and
seeing them go in. He afterwards concealed himself at the corner of
the street, to observe and follow me. In short, when I got to the
door of the cadi, I turned round, and perceived him at the end of
the street. This sight put me into the greatest rage.
“The cadi’s door was half open, and when I went in, I saw the
old lady who was waiting for me, and who, as soon as she had shut
the door, conducted me to the apartment of the young lady with whom
I was so much in love. But I had hardly began to enter into any
conversation with her, before we heard a great noise in the street.
The young lady ran to the window, and looking through the blinds,
perceived that it was the cadi, her father, who was already
returning from prayers. I looked out at the same time, and saw the
barber seated exactly opposite, and on the same bench from whence I
had beheld the lady the first time.
“I had now two subjects for alarm, the arrival of the cadi, and
the presence of the barber. The young lady dissipated my fears on
the first, by telling me, that her father very rarely came up into
her apartment; and as she had foreseen, that such an interruption
might take place, she had prepared the means for my escape, in case
of necessity; but the indiscretion of that unlucky barber caused me
great uneasiness, and you will soon perceive that this disquietude
was not without foundation.
“As soon as the cadi was returned home he himself inflicted the
bastinado on a slave who had deserved it. The slave uttered loud
cries, which were distinguishable even in the street. The barber
thought I was the person whom they were treating ill, and that these
were my cries. Fully persuaded of this, he began to call out as loud
as he could, to tear his clothes, throw dust upon his head, and call
for help to all the neighbours, who soon ran out to him. They
inquired what was the matter, and what assistance they could give
him. ‘Alas!’ cried he, ‘they are assassinating my master, my
dear lord,’ and without saying another word, he ran to my house,
crying out in the same way, and returned, followed by all my
servants armed with sticks. They knocked furiously at the door of
the cadi, who sent a slave to know what the noise was about; but the
slave, quite frightened, returned to his master, ‘My lord,’ said
he, ‘above ten thousand men will come into your house by force,
and are already beginning to break open the door.’
“The cadi ran himself to the door, and inquired what they wanted.
His venerable appearance did not inspire my people with any respect,
and they insolently addressed him, ‘Cursed cadi! you dog! for what
reason are you going to murder our master? What has he done to
you?’--‘My good people,’ replied the cadi, ‘why should I
murder your master, whom I do not know, and who has never offended
me? My door is open, you may come in and search my house.’--‘You
have given him the bastinado,’ said the barber, ‘I heard his
cries not a minute ago.’--‘But,’ replied the cadi, ‘as I
said before, in what can your master have offended me, that I should
ill-treat him thus? Is he in my house? and if he is, how could he
get in, or who could have introduced him?’--‘You will not make
me believe you, with your great beard, you wicked cadi,’ resumed
the barber, ‘I know what I say. Your daughter loves our master,
and appointed a meeting in your house during the mid-day prayers;
you no doubt received information of it, and returned quickly; you
surprised him here, and ordered your slaves to give him the
bastinado; but this wicked action shall not remain unpunished; the
caliph shall be informed of it, and will execute a severe and speedy
sentence on you. Give him his liberty, and let him come out
directly, otherwise we will go in and take him from you to your
shame.’--‘There is no occasion to say so much about it,’ said
the cadi, ‘nor to make such a bustle; if what you say is true, you
have only to go in and search for him; I give you full
permission.’ The cadi had scarcely spoken these words, when the
barber and my people burst into the house, like a set of furious
madmen, and began to seek for me in every corner.
“As I heard every thing the barber said to the cadi, I endeavoured
to find out some place to conceal myself in. I was unable to
discover any other than a large empty chest, into which I
immediately got, and shut the lid down upon me. After the barber had
searched every other place, he did not fail coming into the
apartment where I was. He went directly to the chest, and opened it;
and as soon as he perceived that I was in it, he took it up and
carried it away upon his head. He descended from the top of the
staircase, which was very high, into a court, through which he
quickly passed, and at last reached the street-door.
“As he was carrying me along the street, the lid of the chest
unfortunately opened: I had not resolution enough to bear the shame
and disgrace of being thus exposed to the populace who followed us;
I jumped down, therefore, into the street in such a hurry, that I
hurt myself violently, and have been lame ever since. I did not at
first perceive the full extent of my misfortune; I therefore made
haste to get up and run away from the people who were laughing at
me. At the same time, I scattered a handful or two of gold and
silver, with which I had filled my purse, and while they were
stopping to pick it up, I made my escape by passing through several
private streets. But the cursed barber, taking advantage of the
trick which I had made use of to get rid of the crowd, followed me
so closely, that he never once lost sight of me; and all the time he
continued calling aloud, ‘Stop, sir, why do you run so fast? You
know not how much I have felt for you, on account of the ill usage
you have received from the cadi; and well I might, as you have been
so generous to me and my friends, and we are under such obligations
to you. Did I not truly inform you, that you would endanger your
life through your obstinacy in not suffering me to accompany you?
All this has happened to you through your own fault; and I know not
what would have become of you, if I had not obstinately determined
to follow you, and observe which way you went. Where then, my lord,
are you running? Pray wait for me.’
“It was in this manner that the unlucky barber kept calling out to
me all through the street. He was not satisfied with having
scandalized me so completely in the quarter of the town where the
cadi resided, but seemed to wish that the whole city should become
acquainted with my disgrace. This put me into such a rage, that I
could have stopped and strangled him, but that would only have
increased my distraction. I therefore went another way to work. As I
perceived, that by his calling out, the eyes of every one were
attracted towards me, some looking out of the windows, and others
stopping in the street to stare at me; I went into a khan, [8] the
master of which was known to me. I found him indeed at the door,
where the noise and uproar had brought him. ‘In the name of
God,’ I cried, ‘do me the favor to prevent that mad fellow from
following me in here.’ He not only promised me to do so, but he
kept his word; although it was not without great difficulty: for the
obstinate barber attempted to force an entrance in spite of him. Nor
did he retire before he uttered a thousand abusive words: and he
continued to tell every one he met, till he reached his own house,
the very great service he pretended to have done me.
“It was thus that I got rid of this tiresome man. The master of
the khan then entreated me to give him an account of my adventure. I
did so; after which I asked him, in my turn, to let me have an
apartment in his house till I was quite cured. ‘You will be much
better accommodated, sir,’ he said, ‘in your own house.’--‘I
do not wish to return there,’ I answered, ‘for that detestable
barber will not fail to find me out, I shall then be pestered with
him every day; and it would absolutely kill me with vexation, to
have him constantly before my eyes. Besides, after what has happened
to me this day, I am determined not to remain any longer in this
city. I will wander wherever my ill-stars may direct me.’ In
short, as soon as I was cured, I took as much money as I thought
would be sufficient for my journey, and gave the remainder of my
fortune to my relations.
“I then set out from Bagdad, gentlemen, and arrived here. I had
every reason, at least to hope that I should not have met with this
mischievous barber, in a country so distant from my own; and I now
discover him in your company. Be not therefore surprised at my
anxiety and eagerness to retire. You may judge of the painful
sensations the sight of this man causes me, by whose means I became
lame, and was reduced to the dreadful necessity of giving up my
relations, my friends, and my country.”
Having made this speech, the lame young man got up and went out. The
master of the house conducted him to the door, assuring him, that it
gave him great pain to have been the cause, though innocently, of so
great a mortification.