CHAPTER XIX.

_AMERICAN AND COLONIAL ADVERTISEMENTS._

In such a go-ahead nation as the United States, it is only natural that

advertising should be a very important feature of its business

arrangements; and in perusing most of the papers which have travelled

across the Atlantic, we find that our cousins have what are called much

broader notions concerning the duties of advertisements than we have.

The word broader we use in its conventional sense, and without any wish

to take responsibility upon ourselves; for the so-called broader view

is, after all, only the view which will be found expressed in those of

our pages which contain notices published a hundred years ago. So that

perhaps, after all, the broader view is our modern view; for it is, or

certainly should be, the improved view. In course of time the American

press may adopt the plan now in use here so far as regards all the

papers which we consider representative, that of having an outward and

visible show of decency in the advertisement columns, no matter what

darkness or danger lurks beneath. With very few exceptions, the papers

which come from the United States--we refer not to the hole-and-corner

but to the high-class, which are widely read and disseminated among

family circles--contain advertisements which would be rejected by the

gutter journals of this country. A hundred years ago, as we have said

and instanced, our papers were not at all particular, so long as they

could get advertisements, what they took; now a sense of what is right

and proper compels them to refuse many notices which would be highly

paid for--would be paid any price for--and in time the American press

will doubtless follow the self-abnegating example. The broadened view we

think, therefore, is ours, yet our style is often referred to as

narrow-minded. The narrow mind is that which sacrifices its honour and

credit in its greed for immediate profit and hunger after the almighty

dollar.

For many reasons there is a great difficulty in dealing with American

advertisements. Sometimes they are too long for quotation, at other

times they are too broad; and very often one is not quite sure whether

or not it is a really _bona fide_ advertisement he is reading, or only

an expression of gratitude from an editor for the favours he has

received or fondly anticipates. American editors have peculiar notions

on the subject of advertisements and the duties of advertisers. In a New

York journal which boldly announces itself as the American Gentleman’s

Newspaper, there is, or used to be, an editorial notice which informs

all whom it most concerns, that, so as to meet the requirements of the

family circle, and so that the paper may be left upon every gentleman’s

breakfast-table, the use of the name of the Deity is expressly forbidden

in the advertising or other columns. We quote from memory, but if these

are not the exact words, the line of argument--if argument such a _non

sequitur_ can be called--is identical with that used by Mr Wilkes, the

proprietor and editor of this model and gentlemanly paper. It would be

well, however, if the American lady’s newspaper erred in no greater

particular than the American gentleman’s does. For the honour of America

it is to be sincerely hoped that its ladies know nothing of the sheets

which are flaunted here with the names of women as the editors, and

which are said to be written especially for women. It is hard to believe

that any sane creature, much more a woman, could write such festering

scurrility, such fatuous blasphemy, and such shameless indecency and

advocacy of open adultery as appear in the columns of one at least of

these women’s journals; but it is easy to imagine that a few besotted

females, suffering from erotic and other dementia, should exhibit

themselves to the scornful gaze of the virtuous or the only moderately

vicious for the purpose of obtaining notoriety--far easier than to

believe that the women of America are the readers of and subscribers to

these papers and their opinions. We are quite sure that no woman worthy

of the name would look a second time at the organ of Victoria C.

Woodhull and Tennie C. Claflin--quite as sure as that the two persons we

have named are, with their followers, quite unfit to be regarded as

women. We have referred to this paper and its “editors” because it and

they represent a class of journals and journalists which are,

unfortunately for Americans, too apt to be taken as standard

representatives of the type, and from no desire to accord them the

spurious celebrity they so anxiously covet.

Still, without wishing to impute anything like iniquity to American

newspapers generally, it must be admitted that the vast majority of them

have rather lax notions of propriety, and their motto being “Get money,”

they are apt to ignore the existence of ill in any advertisement,

provided the presenter of it has his “pile” ready, and will “come down

handsome.” This is evident throughout the whole of the transatlantic

news world; and though there are, we feel bound and are glad to admit,

very honourable exceptions, they are but the exceptions which prove the

rule. As the editors and proprietors generally accuse each other, they

cannot feel annoyed if we, standing afar off, make our notes according

to what they give us. If they prefer to feel angry, however, we shall

not stand in their way; but doubtless the majority are too intent on

getting money to care much for what is said about them. Indeed there are

many who exult in the notion of making capital by all kinds of

advertisements, from the puff preliminary to the nauseating display of

vile quackery or undisguised immorality, and vary this with agreeable

little interludes in the way of black-mail. In several American

newspapers open and undisguised announcements have been published that

their columns are to be bought, and that for a price they will advocate

any cause or take any side of a disputed question.

But throughout all this there is a great spice of humour, and in the

general run of American advertisements it is much to be feared, and only

natural to assume, that a stricter code of morality would result in a

vast increase of dulness, the general concomitant of prim

respectability. Yet it is possible to be wise as well as witty, and even

now a good percentage of American advertisers prove this. From these we

shall endeavour to select our stock, and so give all the humour without

intruding the unpleasantness, except where it is absolutely necessary

for the purpose of giving a fair idea of the American system. A good

instance of ingenuity is that of the grocer in Pennsylvania, who on the

fence of a graveyard inscribed in large white letters, “Use Jones’s

bottled ale if you would keep out of here.” Grave subjects are often

chosen as opportunities for advertising, one thing frequently offered

being “Port wine as pure as the tears which fall upon a sister’s grave.”

A firm engaged in the “statuary line” state that “those who buy

tombstones of us look with pride and satisfaction upon the graves of

their friends;” and from a large upholstery establishment the following

emanates:--

Their parlor furniture is elegant,

Their bedroom furniture is rich,

Their mattresses are downy,

Their coffins are comfortable.

There is, after all, not much opportunity for the display of novelty in

advertisements nowadays; but a merchant in Newark, New York State,

succeeded very well by leaving his column entirely blank with the

exception of this note, in very small type, at the bottom: “This space

was sold to A. E. Brennan and Co., but as their business is

sufficiently brisk already they decline to use it.” This anecdote in its

progress has been related of most large houses in or about New York and

Boston, but Brennan was the man who gave rise to it. Quite as

business-like, and rather more cynical, was the Ohio tradesman who, in

large print, gave the following forth: “Ministers of the Gospel supplied

with goods at cost, if they agree to mention the fact to their

congregations.” And though the next is a purely private communication,

the author of it was evidently a born advertiser: “If the party who took

a fancy to my overcoat was influenced by the inclemency of the weather,

all right; but if by commercial considerations, I am ready to negotiate

for its return.” In an advertisement headed “Full-dress funeral,” which

appears in a Philadelphia paper, is the intimation that “all the

gentlemen friends of the late Mr Smith desirous of participating in the

funeral will appear in full-dress suit and white gloves at Happy Hall,

at nine o’clock a.m. on Friday morning, Jan. 29, and proceed from thence

in a body to the house of the deceased.” This peculiarity of a.m. in the

morning reminds us of the announcement on a bridge at Denver, Colorado,

which states that “no vehicle drawn by more than one animal is allowed

to cross this bridge in opposite directions at the same time;” though

our intention, while touching on funerals, was to give the subjoined

letter from an enterprising undertaker in Illinois to a sick man: “Dear

sir, having positive proof that you are rapidly approaching Death’s

gate, I have, therefore, thought it not imprudent to call your attention

to the inclosed advertisement of my abundant stock of ready-made

coffins, and desire to make the suggestion that you signify to your

friends a wish for the purchase of your burial outfit at my

establishment.” And thereon followed an elaborate list of the essentials

to a first-class funeral, the reader having nothing to do but to supply

the corpse. Apropos of supply, the following from a Chicago

confectioner’s notice is worthy of remark: “Families supplied by the

quart or gallon.” This ostensibly refers to olives, but to us it seems

very suggestive of olive branches. Occasionally, in running through the

papers, one is surprised at the appetite of a lady who wants “to take a

gentleman for breakfast and tea;” at the single-mindedness of a

boarding-house keeper who advertises that “single gentlemen are

furnished with pleasant rooms, also one or two gentlemen with wives;” or

the boldness of a merchant who, in a free country, openly gives notice

that there is “wanted--a woman to sell on commission.”

We have already referred to the “editorials” which have a more or less

remote connection with advertisements, and now select two examples with

which to illustrate our meaning. They are of very opposite characters,

and will serve to give both extremes, between which all sorts of puffs

may find classification. The first is very common. Says the editor of a

Yankee paper:--

A correspondent wants to know what kind of a broom the young lady in

the novel used when she swept back the ringlets from her classic brow.

We don’t know, and shouldn’t answer if we did. We only undertake to

answer queries of a practical and useful character. If our

correspondent, who we presume is a gentleman, had asked who was the

best and most popular hatter in the city, we would have promptly and

unhesitatingly answered, James H. Chard of Broadwalk.

This tradesman had evidently supplied, or promised to supply, a new

covering for the editorial head, with perhaps a little light refreshment

as well. The other specimen is far more deliberate, and at the same time

more respectable. It is from a Buffalo paper of half-a-dozen years back,

and is not at all unlike the very earliest advertisement recommendations

of our own country:--

We are assured that the firm of Eastman & Kendall, 65, Hanover Street,

Boston, Mass., advertised in our columns, is trustworthy and

reliable. For 10 cents they send a patent pen fountain and a check

describing an article to be sold for $1. Their club system of selling

goods is becoming quite popular, particularly with the ladies. It is

worthy of a trial.

Two specimens of editorial personal advertisements will doubtless

suffice. One was published by an Illinois journalist on assuming the

duties of chief of the staff, and it gives a very good idea of the plan

upon which he intended to “run” his paper. It says:--

Sensational, distressing details of revolting murders and shocking

suicides respectfully solicited. Bible class presentations and

ministerial donation parties will be “done” with promptness and

despatch. Keno banks and their operations made a speciality. Accurate

reports of Sunday School anniversaries guaranteed. The local editor

will cheerfully walk 17 miles after Sunday school to see and report a

prize fight. Funerals and all other melancholy occasions written up in

a manner to challenge admiration. Horse races reported in the highest

style of the reportorial art. Domestic broils and conjugal felicities

sought for with untiring avidity. Police court proceedings and sermons

reported in a manner well calculated to astonish the prisoner,

magistrate, and preacher.

The other is the opposite of the foregoing, and was penned under very

different circumstances. It is from a Keithsburg journal, and first saw

the light under the head reserved for notices of deaths:--

About two and a-half years ago we took possession of this paper. It

was then in the very act of pegging out, having neither friends,

money, nor credit. We tried to breathe into it the breath of life; we

put into it all our own money and everybody else’s we could get hold

of; but it was no go; either the people of Keithsburg don’t appreciate

our efforts, or we don’t know how to run a paper. We went into the

business with confidence, determined to run it or burst. We have

busted. During our connection with the _Observer_ we have made some

friends and numerous enemies. The former will have our gratitude while

life lasts. The latter are affectionately requested to go to the

deuce.

Occasionally these advertising notices take a widely different form, and

refer to the benefits which are to be found from a use of the columns

in which they appear. Take the following as an instance of the kind of

work we mean:--

THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS has the largest circulation of any daily paper

published in the United States, and, with the exception of one in

England and one in France, the largest in the world. We will contract

for advertisements in the NEWS upon the following terms: Three (3)

cents per line for every (10) ten thousand of our circulation. Every

bill when presented to be accompanied with the sworn affidavit of the

pressman who prints the paper, the clerk who delivers the paper, and

the cashier who receives the money. No paper to be counted as

circulation except those that are actually sold and paid for.

Believing this to be the most fair and equitable plan ever offered to

advertisers, we make the proposition.

This is a fair and equitable idea which none but the proprietors of

rival journals could object to. And that rivals do have their say about

each other’s advertisements, the following article, which is called

“Ensnaring the Simple,” and which at one stroke deals two blows--one in

the journalistic and the other in the electioneering interest--will

show. It is from a New York daily, and runs thus: “_The Sunday Mercury_

is published by Cauldwell & Whitney, Editors and Proprietors. Its senior

editor is William Cauldwell, late Senator from the IXth District,

comprising Westchester, Putnam, and Rockland Counties, and now the

Democratic candidate for re-election. From yesterday’s issue of that

_Sunday Mercury_, we copy the following advertisements, omitting only

the addresses of the respective advertisers:--

TWO YOUNG MEN, residents of New-York, of some means, are desirous of

forming the acquaintance of two ladies between the ages of sixteen and

twenty-two, with a view to sociability and quiet enjoyment. To those

that are worthy, pecuniary assistance will be willingly rendered, if

necessary. Those employed in some light occupation preferred. Address,

appointing interview, ---- and ----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN, aged twenty-five, would be pleased to form the

acquaintance of a young lady, or widow, under twenty-five years of

age. Must be educated, and of good reputation. One engaged during the

day preferred. A desirable party will meet with a permanent friend.

Disreputable parties need not answer this. Address in confidence for

ten days, ---- ----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN of means, alone in this city, desires the acquaintance of

a respectable, genteel young lady of refinement, who is, like himself,

friendless and alone; the most honorable secrecy observed. Address,

with full particulars, ----, Mercury office, 128 Fulton-st., New-York.

* * * * *

A FRENCH GENTLEMAN, newly arrived in this country and lonely, wishes

to form the acquaintance of a lady who could prove as true a friend to

him as he would be to her. Address, in confidence, as discretion will

be absolute, ----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A YOUNG GENTLEMAN would like to make the acquaintance of an

affectionate and sociable young lady who would appreciate a true

friend; one residing in Brooklyn preferred. Address ----, box 3, 761

New-York P.O.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN OF MEANS wishes to make the acquaintance of a young lady

of sixteen to eighteen years (blonde preferred); one who would

appreciate a companion and friend may find one by addressing ----,

Mercury office.

* * * * *

A YOUNG WIDOW would like to make the acquaintance of an elderly

gentleman of means, who would be willing to assist her, in return for

true friendship. No triflers need answer. Address ----, Station E.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN, thirty years of age, with some leisure time at his

disposal, would like the acquaintance of a handsome young lady,

resident of Brooklyn. Address, stating age and other particulars,

----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A KIND, ELDERLY GENTLEMAN, a stranger, wishes to enjoy the society of

an agreeable young lady. Address ----, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A GENTLEMAN of position desires the society of a young lady or widow.

Would afford moderate pecuniary aid to a respectable and deserving

person. Address, with particulars, appointing interview, ----, Mercury

office.

* * * * *

A STRANGER in New-York desires a few lady correspondents whom he can

call upon, and who would be pleased to accompany him to theatres, &c.

Address ----, New-York University.

* * * * *

A YOUNG MAN of refined taste would like to meet with a good-looking

lady (not above twenty) who is engaged during the day. Address,

appointing interview, ----, No. 4, Mercury office.

* * * * *

A LADY would like to meet with a gentleman who would thoroughly

appreciate her exclusive society. For particulars, address ----, Box

2, No. 688 Broadway.

“These are but fair specimens of columns of such advertisements which

have for years appeared in the successive issues of _The Mercury_. The

publishers put over them the head ‘Matrimonial,’ but the advertisers do

not countenance that fraud. They use _The Mercury_ and pay for it as

though it were a house of infamous resort; and, if there be any moral

difference between permitting this use and keeping a house of ill-fame,

we cannot see it. We do not doubt that at least One Thousand foolish

girls have been ruined through the instrumentality of these shameful

advertisements. Must not that be a monstrous dispensation of justice

which, while Rosenzweig is (most righteously) sent to State Prison,

should send Cauldwell to the Senate? What do you think of it? Electors

of Westchester, Putnam, and Rockland Counties! read the above

advertisements carefully, and say whether you can aid the election of

Cauldwell to the Senate without sharing his guilt? Do not pretend

ignorance of his iniquities: for above is the evidence which no man can

gainsay. There are more such in this week’s issue, as there have been in

every issue of that sheet for years. Fathers, brothers, pure men of

every degree! read those infamous advertisements carefully, and then

judge if you can vote to send their publisher to the Senate!” This is

all very well, and extremely virtuous, but in the high-class daily

journal from which it is taken there are plenty of advertisements of a

character anything but beyond reproach. We are far from wishing to

uphold the character of the _Mercury_, which is no more and no less than

a Pandarus among papers, but the axiom, “Physician, heal thyself,” will

apply to the champion of outraged innocence just quoted.

An astonishingly elaborate way of bringing the “puff pars” of

enterprising and liberal tradesmen under immediate notice is shown in a

weekly, possessed of considerable notoriety, that is published in

California. This paper, the _San Francisco Newsletter_, has several

times with pleasing candour informed the world that its opinions and

advocacy are within easy purchase. Which means that those who do not

think its friendship worth buying had better beware of its animosity.

For those who doubt this we reproduce the following, which was probably

placed on the front page of the _Newsletter_ because the directors of

the company referred to refused to patronise that organ of publicity,

and which has now been running for some time:--

A PERMANENT PARAGRAPHIC ADVERTISEMENT.

[RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED TO THE SPRING VALLEY WATER WORKS.]

=A miner’s inch of water= is about twenty thousand gallons. The usual

price for an inch of water in the mines is ten cents. The Spring

Valley Company sells water in large quantities at seventy-five cents

per thousand gallons, or at fifteen dollars seventy-five cents per

inch--which is one hundred and fifty-seven times the price which

miners pay. Furnished in small quantities to housekeepers, the Company

charges from thirty to fifty dollars an inch--five hundred times the

miners’ rates.

IGNOTUS.

The _Newsletter_ was originally known in England as the vehicle of a

vein of humour peculiar even in America, and mainly dependent upon a

contempt for all religious formalities and observances, an affectation

of atheism, and an evident desire to render all those things ridiculous

that believers hold most sacred. Through all this ran a vein of ability

which even those who objected most to the degradation of it were bound

to admit, and the smart utterances of the chief writer on the staff were

not only quoted widely throughout America, but now and again found

supporters among advanced journalists in England. How different now is

the _Newsletter_! Its flippancy is as rampant as ever, but its attempts

to make fun out of the doctrines of faith in general and Christianity in

particular are of the dreariest, while in place of the cleverness which

once made its columns readable there is a scurrility worthy of the

typical _Stabber_ or _Rowdy Journal_. And the more its ability becomes

deteriorated, the more do its abuse, its blasphemy, and its blackmailing

qualities exhibit themselves. It is evident that the old leader has

departed, and left in his place one whose servile imitation must have

been his best credential for the office of successor.[47] But it was in

reference to the _Newsletter’s_ advertisements that we commenced; though

they are in truth so mixed up with its other matter that the distinction

is subtle indeed. The construction of the paper is unique. Each page is

complete in itself, and in the “backs” and “gutters”--the inside

margins, in fact--there are numerous advertisements. The chief

peculiarity, however, of the paper is that of spreading its puffs and

notices about among the ordinary matter. The following extract will give

some idea of the prevailing plan:--

“=Tell me=, O, thou ancient warrior,

How it is you look so strong.

Full well I know, for four-score years

You’ve wandered round--say, am I wrong?”

“I have lived for four-score years, sir,

Drinking naught but Cutter’s best.

If you want to live as long, sir,

I advise you to invest.”

* * * * *

=Shortening a Telegram.=--A gentleman took the following telegram to a

telegraph office:--“Mrs Brown, Liverpool street.--I announce with

grief the death of uncle James. Come quickly to read will. I believe

we are his heirs.--John Black.” The clerk, having counted the words,

said, “There are two words too many, sir.” “All right, cut out ‘with

grief,’” was the reply.

* * * * *

=The other afternoon= I strayed,

About the hour of four,

To see if in the town I’d find

A first-class carpet store.

I wandered round for a long time,

Until a friend did tell

Where was the only place in town--

The store of Plum & Bell.

* * * * *

=As an early morning train= stopped at the station, an old gentleman

with a cheerful countenance stepped out on the platform, and inhaling

the fresh air enthusiastically exclaimed, “Isn’t this invigorating?”

“No, sir, it’s Auchterarder,” replied the conscientious porter. The

cheerful old gentleman went back to his seat in the carriage.

* * * * *

=All that my pining spirit= in its youth

Has pictured forth of excellence, is she;

The same ideal figure full of truth,

Alike in gentleness and purity:

By Bradley & Rulofson made divine.

Oh how I love to worship at her shrine!

* * * * *

=The Man Who Struck Him.=--“Show me the man who struck O’Docherty,”

shouted a pugnacious little Irishman at an election; “show me the man

who struck O’Docherty, and I’ll--” “I am the man who struck

O’Docherty,” said a big, brawny fellow, stepping to the front; “and

what have you to say about it?” “Och, sure,” answered the small one,

suddenly collapsing, “and didn’t you do it well!”

* * * * *

=We cannot stay= thy footsteps, Time.

Thy flight no hand may bind

Save His, whose foot is on the sea,

Whose voice is in the wind.

Yet we can make a cloudy day

As bright as in sunshine,

And drive the demon care away

With draughts of Gerke Wine.

* * * * *

=Mr. John Owens=, who lately died at Jackson, aged 114, was in some

respects a remarkable man. He blushingly admitted that he had used

whisky since he was ten years old, and had chewed tobacco and smoked,

more or less, for one hundred and three years, but he never claimed

that he had seen Washington.

* * * * *

=Wherever Minerva=, the Goddess of Wisdom, presides, or Pomona, or

Ceres require book work to be done, there will be found the school and

office furniture made by Gilbert & Moore. It is universally

acknowledged to be the best that is made in this or any other State.

If once used, no other desks, stools, forms, garden seats, etc., will

ever meet with any favour. Their patent school desk, with seat

attached, is the most perfect thing we ever saw, and is as strong as

it is neat.

* * * * *

=A Yankee editor= has just had his family reinforced, whereupon he

indulges in the following poetic outburst:--

“Ring out, wild bells--and tame ones too--

Ring out the lover’s moon!

Ring out the little slips and socks,

Ring in the bib and spoon!

Ring out the Muse, ring in the nurse--

Ring in the milk and water!

Away with paper, pens, and ink--

My daughter, oh, my daughter!”

* * * * *

=The philosopher’s stone= has not yet been discovered, but modern

science has found out a means by which the energy of youth can be

imparted to those who have long passed the meridian of life. Such a

boon to mankind is the Elixir Damiana, that the well known Doctor Jose

Juniga, from whose prescription it is made, has earned a name not soon

to be forgotten. The Elixir can be procured at Chas. Langley’s, the

agent, and at all drug stores.

* * * * *

=Edmund Munger=, speaking of the time when he was a boy, says it was

the custom of school children as you passed a school-house, to make a

bow; but in these later days, as you pass a school-house, you must

keep your eye peeled, or you will get a snowball or a brickbat at the

side of your head.

* * * * *

=Help me to sing=, ye muses Nine,

In praises of that house on Pine,

Which by its name, the Saddle Rock,

All praise and say the finest stock

Of oysters in the town are there;

Both raw, and cooked with greatest care.

* * * * *

=Mr. Redpath= applied to Mr. Warner, author of “My Summer in a

Garden,” to enter the lecturing field. The genial author replied that

there was less prospect now than ever of his consenting to do so. “It

seems to me,” he wrote, “that the older I grow, the wiser I grow.”

* * * * *

=The Six-Mile House=, on the San Bruno Road, is the favourite calling

place on the road. No one ever thinks of passing without stopping to

have a word with Harry Blanken.

* * * * *

=Twenty-eight= different kinds of “bitters” sold in Rhode Island for

“strictly medicinal use” are undergoing analysis by the State Chemist

from an excise point of view.

This is the best part of the paper at the present time, and the best

part of this--that is, the most original--is formed by the

advertisements. There must now and again be a great run upon that

edition of “Joe Miller” the proprietor keeps in his room, when the

“exchanges” refuse to give out new or second-hand humorous paragraphs.

We will conclude this section of our cousins’ peculiarities with the

following, picked out from a Boston sheet, where it was nestled close by

the biggest of the advertisements:--

=Keep on Advertising.=

Don’t fear to have a small advertisement by the side of a larger

competing one. The big one can’t eat it up.

Which, freely translated, means, “Keep on advertising, and don’t be

afraid. We’ll take you, big or little, so long as you have the money,

and of course we’re quite disinterested.”

In the year 1795, an English paper, speaking of the transatlantic

journalism of the time, says: “As one proof of the commerce and trade of

America, there are four daily papers printed in the city of New York;

and it is not uncommon to enumerate 350 advertisements in a single

paper. The price of an advertisement is from 1s. to 1s. 6d., and a paper

sells for one penny. But what injures the beauty and authenticity of

their papers is the want of a little red mark at one corner of the

sheet; a blessing that has been withheld from them since the imprudent

declaration of independence.” The last remark is evidently satirical. It

was sixty years after this that we got rid of our glorious red mark. But

we have an advertisement of some years before the declaration of

independence, which is subjoined:--

_Bush Creek, Frederick’s County, Maryland_, Oct. 11, 1771.

RUN away from the subscriber, a Servant Maid named Sarah Wilson, but

has changed her name to Lady Susanna Carolina Matilda, which made the

public believe that she was her Majesty’s Sister; she has a blemish in

her right Eye, black rolled Hair, stoops in her shoulders, makes a

common practice of writing and marking her cloaths with a Crown and a

B. Whoever secures the said Servant Woman, or takes her home, shall

receive five Pistoles, besides all cost and charges.

WILLIAM DEVALL.

I entitle Michael Dalton to search the city of Philadelphia and from

thence to Charles-Town, for the said Woman.

W. D.

Sarah Wilson, who was quite an extraordinary adventuress, had been

lady’s-maid to the Hon. Miss Vernon, sister to Lady Grosvenor, and

whilst in her service found means to obtain admittance into the royal

apartments, where she broke open a cabinet and robbed it of some

jewellery of value. For this she was apprehended, tried, and sentenced

to death, but through the interposition of her former mistress was

reprieved, and transported to Maryland, where on her arrival she was

exposed for sale, and purchased by the Mr Devall above named. She soon,

however, managed to make her escape into Virginia, travelled through

that colony, and through North into South Carolina. When at a proper

distance from Mr Devall, she assumed the title of Princess Susanna

Carolina Matilda, and passed herself off as a sister to the Queen. She

was dressed in a manner likely to favour the deception, and as she had

with her part of the stolen jewels, and a miniature portrait of the

Queen, which by some means she had managed to conceal before her trial

and during her subsequent journey, she succeeded in deceiving many of

the planters. Thus she travelled from one gentleman’s house to another,

affecting the manners of royalty, and admitting many of the gentry to

the honour of kissing her royal hand. To some she promised governments,

to others regiments, with promotions of all kinds in the Army, Navy, and

Treasury. In short, she acted her part so plausibly that very few

suspected her of being a deceiver. During the period of her imposture

she levied heavy contributions upon some people of the highest rank in

the southern colonies. At length the above advertisement appeared in the

papers, and Mr Michael Dalton made his appearance in Charlestown,

raising a loud hue and cry. Seeing that the game was up, her Serene

Highness disappeared, and for a short time baffled the exertions of the

police; but in the end she was captured and suffered condign punishment.

While on the subject of runaway slaves we will skip a few years, and so

give a companion to this Cleopatra in the person of one Anthony,

certainly a congenial spirit. The following is from a Raleigh paper of

February 1815, in which it is preceded by the figure of a runaway negro.

Anthony is evidently a paragon possessed of all a paragon’s failings,

and Caleb Quotem, so renowned in farce, scarcely equalled the subject of

this advertisement in the variety and whimsical nature of his

accomplishments:--

TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS REWARD.

[Illustration]

RAN away from Raleigh, a month or two ago, a mulatto man, named

_Anthony_, well known in Raleigh, and many parts of the State, as

having been, for several years, the body servant of General Jones, and

mine lately as a pressman and news-carrier in the Star office. Anthony

is about twenty-five or twenty-six years of age, five feet eight or

ten inches high, is a mongrel white, has a tolerably large aquiline

nose, bushy hair, a scar on one of his cheeks; when in good humour has

a pleasing countenance.

He works and walks fast, is lively and talkative, full of anecdote,

which he tells in character with much humour; is an excellent

pressman, indifferent at distributing types, a tolerable carpenter and

joiner, a plain painter, an excellent manager of horses, drives well

and rides elegantly, having been accustomed to race riding; is fond of

cock-fighting (and of man-fighting when drunk), and is said to _heel_

and _pit_ with skill; he can bleed and pull teeth, knows something of

medicines, is a rough barber, a bad but conceited cook, a good sawyer,

can lay bricks, has worked in the corn fields, and can scratch a

little on the fiddle.

He can do many other things; and what he cannot do, he _pretends_ to

have a knowledge of. His trades and qualities are thus detailed,

because his vanity will undoubtedly lead to a display of them. His

master-vice, or rather, the parent of all his vices, is a fondness for

_strong drink_, though sometimes he will abstain for months. His

clothes cannot be described, but he carried away few or none, and ’tis

expected will appear shabbily. He is an artful fellow, and if taken up

will tell a most plausible story, and possibly show a forged pass.

In 1806 the _Connecticut Courant_ contained the following, which gives

an unpleasant idea of what many wives might say in reply to the warning

advertisements of desperate husbands if they only thought it worth

while, or rather if they thought of it at all:--

EAST WINDSOR, U.S.

THOMAS Hutchins has advertised, that I have absented myself from _his

bed and board_, and forbid all persons trusting me on his account, and

cautioned all persons against making me any payment on his account. I

now advertise the public, that the same Thomas Hutchins came as a

fortune-teller into this town about a year ago, with a recommendation,

which, with some artful falsehoods, induced me to marry him. Of the

four wives he had before me, the last he quarrelled away; how the

other three came by their deaths, he can best inform the public: but I

caution all widows or maidens against marrying him, be their desire

for matrimony ever so strong. Should he make his advances under a

feigned name, they may look out for a little, strutting, talkative,

feeble, meagre, hatchet-faced fellow, with spindle shanks, and a

little warped in the back.

THANKFUL HUTCHINS.

There are a good many more notices in the American papers which show

that conjugal infelicity is no great rarity over there. The following

exquisite effusion appeared in the _Port Gibson Correspondent_ in

November 1825:--

O matrimony! thou art like

To Jeremiah’s figs--

The good are very good indeed,

The bad--too sour for pigs!

WHEREAS, thank God! my wife Rachel has left my bed and board for the

hereafter mentioned provocation: this is to give notice that I will

pay no debts of her contracting after this date.--We were married

young; the match was not of our own choosing, but a made-up one

between our parents. “My dear,” says her mother, with a nose like a

gourdhandle, to her best beloved, “now if we can get our neighbour

Charles to consent to a marriage between our Rachel and his son, we

shall have no more care upon our hands, and live the rest of our days

in undisturbed repose.” Here my beloved began to whimper; the truth

is, she loved tenderly, loved another--and they knew it; he had no

property, however, and that was their only idea of happiness: but she

could not conceive how they could feast in joy upon her misery. “Hold

your tongue,” says her surly father, “don’t you think your parents

know better how to direct your attachments than you do yourself?”

“Yes, my dear,” says the mother, “you should always be governed by

your parents--they are old and experienced and you are too young to

think for yourself.” The old dad and mam forgot that they were a

runaway love match at the age of nineteen. But poor Rachel said not a

word for she was afraid of her daddy’s cowhide, that he had used

sixteen years on nobody’s back but his daughter’s. She seemed reckless

of her fate, was almost stupid, and did not know that she could alter

it for the worse. My father, by persuasion and argument, dazzled my

fancy with the eight negroes that would be her portion, “which,” said

he, “put upon the quarter section which I shall give you, will render

you independent, and you are a fool if you do not live happily with

such an angel.”--“Angel!” said I, but I said no more, for my dad (in

peace rest his ashes!) would have flown into a passion with the

rapidity that powder catches fire; and its ebullition, like the blaze,

would scorch me, I well knew.--We were married. I thought, as her

father had ruled her with so tough a whip, I could do it with a

hickory switch, and for my leniency gain her everlasting gratitude. We

have now lived together six years, and have had no offspring except a

hearty quarrel every little while. In truth I found her more spirited

than I imagined; she was always ready to tally word for word, and blow

for blow; but I never used a switch till the other day, always taking

my open hand. The other day, coming home from work, very much fatigued

and hungry, I found my wife in rather an unusual fit of passion,

scolding some pigs that had overset the buttermilk. “Rachel,” says I,

“make me some coffee.”--“Go to ----!” says she. I could not stand

this; I had never heard her swear before. “I will chastise you for

that,” says I. “Villain,” said she, “I’m determined to bear no more of

your ill usage. Instead of using the mild and conciliating language

which a husband ought to use, you always endeavour to beat me into

measures--touch me with that whip, I will leave your house, and take

my niggers with me too, so I will.” She had said such things so often

that I did not regard her, and belaboured her handsomely. The next

morning after I had gone out to work, away she bundles sure enough,

and when I came home at noon, I found the house emptied of bag and

baggage, and all the negroes taken but the three that were at work

with me. I have lived _happily_ since, however; and she may keep all

she took, if she will stay at her crooked-nose mammy’s and never

trouble my house again.

J. JOHNSTONE.

Laurence County, Miss.

Nov. 1, 1825.

This is a vigorous specimen of condensation, and contains, according to

the present standard, quite enough plot for a three-volume novel, with

special opportunities for essays on the horrors of slavery. If any

rising authoress--we will give way to a lady--should happen to stumble

across this book, and see her opportunity, we will waive all rights, as,

after trying to sketch out the story, it was abandoned in despair, owing

to our inability to keep our wandering attention from the next

advertisement, which gives a companion picture, though the complaint is

this time laid by the woman:--

$100 REWARD--For the apprehension of Lewis Turtle, a tall man, about

50 years, has considerable money and a high forehead, long face and

lantern jawed man, a bad man, with a fist like a giant, and has often

beat me, and I want him to end his days in the Penitentiary where he

belongs, and he wears a grey coat, with a very large mouth, and one

blue eye, and one blind blue eye, and a hideous looking man, and now

living with the 7th woman, and me having one child to him, and he has

gone off, and I want him brought slap up in the law, with blue pants.

He ought to be arrested and has a $100 of my money, and a bald headed

rascal, full of flattery and receipt, and she is a bad woman, and her

little girl calls him “papa” and is called Eliza Jane Tillis, and a

boy blind of one eye, and he is not a man who has got any too much

sense, nor her. And he stole $100 from me, and some of my gold and

silver, and ought to be caught and I will never live with him again,

no never, he is a disgrace. And I would like to have him caught up and

compelled to maintain me and his child, as I am his lawful wedded

wife, and have the certificate of marriage in my possession.

NANCY TURTLE.

Coherency was evidently not Nancy’s forte, and if she entertained her

turtle-dove with much conversation as per sample, he was hardly to be

blamed for trying a little change. In 1853 a sad and suffering husband

sought consolation from the Muse, and published his lines in a

Connecticut paper. Though not strictly in accordance with the rules laid

down by authorities, they contain a good deal in a small space:--

Julia, my wife, has grown quite rude;

She has left me in a lonesome mood;

She has left my board,

She has took my bed,

She has gave away my meat and bread,

She has left me in spite of friends and church,

She has carried with her all my shirts.

Now ye who read this paper,

Since she cut this reckless caper,

I will not pay one single fraction

For any debt of her contraction.

LEVI ROCKWELL.

_East Windsor, Conn. Aug. 4, 1853._

Another husband also flies to verse for consolation, and records both

his experiences and his determination in the following notice:--

Whereas my pet, my pretty toy,

My wife, my Lizzie J.,

Has left my bed and my employ,

With other men to stray.

I, therefore, take this to forewarn

You not to trust her with a straw,

For I will never pay her corn,

Unless compelled by law.

HENRY KANUTE.

BIG SUAMICO, Oct. 13, 1870.

Still another husband, after publishing some supposed grievances in the

public prints, is made to see the error of his ways, and eats the leek

in the following manner, and in a New York paper. Verse is here the

sign not of the disease but of the remedy:--

WHEREAS I, Daniel Clay, through misrepresentation, was induced to post

my wife, Rhoda, in the papers; now I beg leave to inform the public,

that I have again taken her to wife, after settling all our domestic

broils in an amicable manner; so that everything, as usual, goes on

like clockwork.

Divorc’d like scissars rent in twain,

Each mourn’d the rivet out:

Now whet and riveted again,

They’ll make the old shears cut.

With a notification from a maligned as well as injured wife, this

selection will probably be considered complete:--

NOTICE.

WHEREAS my husband Chas. F. Sandford, has thought proper to post me,

and accuse me of having left his bed and board without cause, etc., I

wish to make it known that the said Charlie never had a bed, the bed

and furniture belonging to me, given to me by my father; the room and

board he pretended to furnish me were in Providence, where he left me

alone, while he staid at the Valley with his “Ma.” He offered me $200

to leave him and go home, telling at the same time that I could not

stay at the place he had provided for me, and as I have never seen the

named sum, I suppose he will let me have it if I can earn the amount.

It was useless for Charlie to warn the public against trusting me on

his account, as my father has paid my bills since my marriage, as

before.

Moral.--Girls, never marry a man not weaned from his “Ma,” and don’t

marry the whole family.

ELEANOR J. SANDFORD.

North Providence, July 1, 1871.

From such advertisements as the foregoing to those which emanate from

persons desirous of becoming married is but a step; though, as has been

already shown, most of the applications which come under the head of

Matrimonial in the New York papers hardly justify the selection. Here is

one, of a fair and honourable type enough, but it is fifty years old,

being from the _New York Morning Herald_ of July 2, 1824. This probably

accounts for its really meaning marriage, and nothing else:--

WANTED immediately a young LADY of the following description (as a

wife) with about 2000 dollars as a patrimony: Sweet temper, spend

little, be a good housewife and born in America; and as I am not more

than 25 years of age I hope it will not be difficult to find a good

wife.

N.B.--I take my dwelling in South Second Street, No. 273. Any lady

that answers the above description will please to leave her card.

This swain in his anxiety has forgotten to give either name or initials,

so we cannot take steps to see whether or not he succeeded in getting a

“rale Yankee gal.” The advertisements of the present day are mainly of

the character already quoted from the _Sunday Mercury_, in proof whereof

we take one cut at random from a paper published three thousand miles

away from that estimable journal, viz., the _San Francisco Chronicle_:--

TWO FUN-LOVING YOUNG LADIES would like to correspond with an unlimited

number of young gentlemen; object, fun. Address, Roxey Hastings and

Gracie Baker, Virginia, Nevada.

jy17 2t*

This is barefaced enough, in all conscience; but it is by no means out

of the way, and will stand as a fair example of the rest.

From the _Waverley Magazine_, Boston--which is not a magazine as we

understand the term, but a large broadsheet periodical--of four years

back, we extract a batch of communications, which for convenience might

be called matrimonial, but which have little to do with marriage:--

CORRESPONDENCE.

_Two Dollars Each Address For One Insertion._

* * * * *

A YOUNG MAN of good standing in society, of refinement and education,

desires an unlimited number of young-lady correspondents.

Respectability and education the only requisites. Object, agreeable

amusement during these long winter evenings. All letters answered.

Photographs exchanged if desired. Address GEORGE MEADE, box 125,

Middleburg, Schoharie County, N.Y.

* * * * *

TWO young gentlemen would like to correspond with a number of young

ladies, for improvement and amusement. Both are good-looking and in

good circumstances. None but members of the National Matrimonial

Association need reply. Address CASKER PLATT, box 2442, New-York City.

* * * * *

LADIES and gentlemen who wish correspondents will please send their

photograph and ten cents for particulars and photograph of

correspondent. Address “CENTRAL PERSONAL AGENCY,” Garrettsville, O.

* * * * *

A YOUNG gentleman of good character and habits desires to correspond

with some young lady, for amusement, mutual benefit, and perhaps

matrimony. Address FRED S. LORING, box 1356, St. Paul, Minn.

* * * * *

A YOUNG gentleman wishes a lady correspondent. Object, cultivation of

the heart and mind. Address, ARTHUR C. STANLEY, box 27, Letter Depot

No. 54, East Twelfth Street, New-York City.

* * * * *

WILL “Mac,” of Cambridge, who has a lady’s privilege of changing her

mind, please send her full address to J. S. W., now of Portland, Me.?

J. S. W.

* * * * *

ATTENTION.--Ladies, when you have nothing else to do write to me.

Address EDWARD BELL, box 27, Sheffield, Mass.

The same paper also contains the following. As it is published early in

the year, February 5, 1870, there must have been a rare rush of the

amorous to enlist themselves under its banners:--

NATIONAL MATRIMONIAL ASSOCIATION.

HAVE you joined the National Matrimonial Association? Every young lady

and gentleman will learn of many privileges and advantages to be

gained by joining the association. 13,400 members since Nov. 9.

Monthly meeting of members in different sections of the Union

alternating for convenience. Members, though strangers, can recognize

each other by means of the grip and secret signs of the association.

The circular of the association, giving all particulars, will be sent

postpaid upon receipt of ten cents. A young lady and gentleman are

wanted as agents in towns where none have been appointed. Members

wishing any information at any time need not inclose stamp. Address

“Box 686,” Hartford, Conn.

Nos. 6, 8.

Falling back from matrimony and its substitutes into the regular

channel, we take a declaration which contains a theory doubtless often

promulgated nowadays at Bethlehem Hospital, Colney Hatch, and maybe

Earlswood. Perhaps, though, it will be considered worthy the attention

of philosophers, seeing that just now any new or startling view is sure

to command not only regard but remuneration:--

Light developes light--_ad infinitum_.

St. Louis (Missouri Territory) North America.

April 10, A.D. 1818.

TO ALL THE WORLD.--I declare the earth to be hollow, and habitable

within; containing a number of concentric spheres, one within the

other, and that their poles are open twelve or sixteen degrees. I

pledge my life in support of this truth, and am ready to explore the

concave, if the world will support and aid me in the undertaking.

JOHN CLEVES SYMMES

_of Ohio, late Captain of Infantry_.

I ask one hundred brave companions, well equipped, to start for

Siberia, in autumn, with reindeer and sledges, on the ice of the

frozen sea. I engage we find a warm country and rich land, stocked

with thrifty vegetables and animals, if not men, on reaching about

sixty-nine miles northward of latitude 82°. We will return in the

succeeding spring.--J. C. S.

Captain Symmes seems pretty positive about getting back, though how he

intended to get up again after getting down into one of the lower

spheres he doesn’t say. Perhaps a hundred brave companions, standing on

each other’s heads, might manage it, and if that was the idea, one of

our own learned societies might look into it. Good thick heads would of

course be necessary to bear the strain, and that may be, after all, the

reason why they are so plentiful. _Quien sabe?_ Far more within the ken

of ordinary mortals is the following, which comes from Connecticut, and

is well worthy of even that land of “notions:”--

THE SUBSCRIBER

BEING determined not to move from this State, requests all persons

indebted to pay particular attention to his

_New_ definition of an _Old_ Grammar, viz.

_Present Tense._

I am. Thou art. He is.

I am[48] } In want of money.

Thou art[49] } Indebted to me.

He is[50] } Shortly to be authorized, for the want thereof to take

} the body.

Unless immediate payment is made, you must expect to take a lecture

upon my _new plural_.

The Subscriber offers for sale, at his Store, two rods south of the

Fish-market, the following articles, viz.

_Solid Arguments._

Hot Oysters, Boiled Lobsters, Ham and Eggs, Butter and Cheese, &c.

_Agitations._

Cider, Vinegar, Salt, Pickles, etc.

_Grievances._

Pepper-Sauce, Mustard, Cayenne-Pepper.

_Punishments._

Rum, Brandy, Gin, Bitters, etc.

_Superfluities._

Snuff, Tobacco, Segars, Pomatum, etc.

_Extraordinaries._

Sea Serpent’s Bones, Wooden Shoes, Waterwitches, etc.

N.B. The above articles will be exchanged for

_Necessaries_, _viz._

Bank-Bills at par, Crowns, Dollars, Half ditto, Quarter ditto,

Pistareens, Nine penny pieces, Four-penny half-penny ditto, or Cents.

_Terms of Payment:_

One half the sum down, and the other half on the delivery of the

articles.

_Rudiments gratis_, _viz._

Those indebted for Arguments

Must not be Agitated;

Nor think it a Grievance

If they should meet Punishment

For calling such Superfluities;

Nor think it Extraordinary

That I find it Necessary

To demand immediate Payment.

ANDREW SMITH.

The smallest favour thankfully received.

New London,

March 1, 1819.

It seems a pity that such genius as that of “the subscriber” should have

been wasted upon trifles; but possibly in such a country as the United

States, where nothing is beyond a man’s reach if his head is only long

enough, he reaped the honours and rewards to which his talents entitled

him. So many famous people have been called Smith, in America as well as

here, that it would be vain to attempt a discovery of his subsequent

career. Maybe he went to New York, and composed the following

advertisement, which is just of three years’ later date, and seems

strange to those who know the Empire City in its present condition

only:--

ANY person in want of a DEAD PIG may find one, that will probably

answer his purpose, in the middle of Broadway, between Broome and

Spring Streets. Applicants need not be in any great haste, as it is

expected that he will lie there several days; and if the warm weather

should last, and the carriages will let him alone, he will

grow--_bigger and bigger_.

Getting nearer to modern times--1822 is very old for American

notions--we find a New Yorker who speaks his mind freely, and treats his

customers with moral illustration as well as business detail:--

GEORGE OTT, 262, North Second Street, respectfully informs his

customers and friends in general, that his bakehouse is in full

operation, and that he is always prepared to supply them with

loaf-bread, crackers, pilot-bread, fresh rusks, &c. &c.

Having disposed of his list of wares, our baker proceeds, and no one can

accuse him of mincing the matter:--

On his part nothing shall be left undone to give complete satisfaction

to his customers, and in return he expects them to _pay punctually_

when their bills are presented. Experience having taught him, that a

disorderly soldier in the ranks and a bad paymaster in a baker’s list

of customers, are the most troublesome customers a man can have

anything to do with, he requests those who do not calculate on paying

promptly, to oblige him so far as to give their custom to a more

accommodating baker.

Being anxious to take a journey for the benefit of his health, which

is much impaired, those indebted to him would oblige him very much by

making immediate payment; and he requests those who may have claims

against him to call and receive their money.

Payment of quite a different kind is treated of in the next

advertisement, which few boys, old or young, will read without feeling

interested. It is, though in such few words, a marvellous exhibition of

the _suaviter in modo_ and the _fortiter in re_ well mixed; and one can

well understand the writer to be an agreeable friend and jolly

companion, but a strict disciplinarian:--

_Flushing Institute._

DEAR BOYS--Trouble begins Septr. 15.

E. A. FAIRCHILD.

It was said of one of our public schoolmasters that it was a pleasure to

be flogged by him. We will take advantage of the present opportunity to

remind those who have accepted it as a proverb, and believed it firmly,

that the originator of the remark, like the originators of many other

observations, never practically put his ideas to the test. Possibly on

the same principle it would be a pleasure to have one’s property sold

off by auction, provided the advertisement were drawn out like that of

the Yankee auctioneer from which we select this portion:--

I can sell for eighteen hundred and thirty nine dollars, a palace, a

sweet and pensive retirement, on the virgin banks of the Hudson,

containing 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of

nature and art, into pasture and tillage, into plain and declivity,

into the stern abruptness and the dalliance of most tufted meadow.

Streams of sparkling gladness (thick with trout) dance through this

wilderness of beauty, to the music of the cricket and grasshopper. The

evergreen sighs as the evening zephyr flits through its shadowy bosom,

and the aspen trembles like the love-splitting heart of a damsel.

Fruits of the tropics in golden beauty melt on the bows, and the bees

go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The

stables are worthy of the steeds of Nimrod or the studs of Achilles,

and its henery was built expressly for the birds of paradise; while

sombre in the distance, like the cave of a hermit, glimpses are caught

of the dog house. Here poets have come and warbled their lays, here

sculptors have cut, here painters have robbed the scene of dreamy

landscapes, and here the philosopher discovered the stone which made

him the alchymist of nature. As the young moon hangs like a cutting of

silver from the blue breast of the sky, an angel may be seen each

night dancing with golden tiptoes on the greensward. (N.B. This angel

goes with the place.)

Even our great Robins in his best form never exceeded this in

picturesqueness of description. But our man could stay, and this one had

shot his bolt when he got to the finish of the foregoing paragraph. At

the commencement of the war against the “Seceshers,” a good many of the

Northern tradesmen made capital out of it, the following, in a _Tribune_

of February 1861, forming a case in point:--

IMPORTANT FROM CHARLESTOWN!

MAJOR ANDERSON TAKEN!

ENTRANCE OBTAINED UNDER A FLAG OF TRUCE!

NEW YORKERS IMPLICATED!

GREAT EXCITEMENT! WHAT WILL THE SOUTHERN

CONFEDERACY DO NEXT?

ON the 8th instant, about twelve hours before midnight, under cover of

a bright sun, Col. George S. Cooke, of the Charlestown Photographic

_Light_ Artillery, with a strong force, made his way to Fort Sumter.

On being discovered by the vigilant sentry, he ran up a flag of truce.

The gate of the fortress being open, Col. Cooke immediately and

heroically penetrated to the presence of Major Anderson, and levelling

a double barrelled camera, demanded his unconditional surrender in the

name of E. Anthony and the Photographic Community. Seeing that

resistance would be in vain, the Major at once surrendered, and was

borne in triumph to Charlestown, forwarded to New York, and is now on

sale in the shape of Exquisite Card Photographs at 28 cents per copy,

by E. Anthony, &c. &c.

“Old McCalla” is or was a character well known in Princetown, Indiana. A

few years back, when the following was published, he was nearly ninety

years of age, but was still capable of minding his own business:--

WANTED.--Two or three boarders of a decent stripe, such as go to bed

at nine o’clock without a pipe or cigar in their mouth. I wish them to

rise in time to wash their faces and comb their heads before

breakfast. When they put on their boots to draw down their pants over

them, and not have them rumpled about their knees, which is a sure

sign of a rowdy. When they sit down to rest or warm by the fire, not

to put their feet on the mantlepiece or bureau, nor spit in the bread

tray. And to pay their board weekly, monthly, or quarterly--as may be

agreed upon--with a smile upon their faces, and they will find me as

pleasant as an opposum up a persimmon tree.

OLD MCCALLA.

Another boarding-house advertisement, which comes from Portland, Oregon,

is also characteristic. A correspondent informs us that the Mr Thompson

mentioned in it is a hard-working blacksmith, and he and his wife run

the concern on the temperance plan:--

THOMPSON’S TWO-BIT HOUSE,

_Front St., bet. Main and Madison_.

NO DECEPTION THERE!

HI-YOU MUCK-A-MUCK, AND HERE’S YOUR

BILL OF FARE:

THREE KINDS OF MEAT FOR DINNER; ALSO FOR Breakfast and Supper. Ham and

Eggs every other day, and Fresh Fish, Hot Rolls, and Cake in

abundance.

Hurry up; and none of your sneering at CHEAP BOARDING-HOUSES. Now’s

the time to have the wrinkles taken out of your bellies after the hard

winter.

Board and Lodging $5 00

Board $4 00

Six NEW rooms, furnished with beds--the BEST in town--at my Branch

House, corner First and Jefferson.

I am ready for the BONE and SINEW of the country.

“Hi-you Muck a-muck,” we are also told, is a phrase in the Chinook

language for plenty to eat. What the Chinook language is we must leave

our readers to discover for themselves. Is it “heathen Chinee” as

distinguished from the pure and unadulterated article? We pause for the

reply of an expert, and while pausing, think that the following may be

contemplated with some degree of interest, for families over here are

drifting to the same state of difficulty very fast. A good servant is a

jewel to be worn in one’s bosom even in London, and so it is nothing

wonderful that in Syracuse, U.S., five years back, this should have

appeared:--

WANTED--A Good SERVANT GIRL to whom the highest wages will be paid.

Having had great difficulty in procuring good help, on account of the

misfortune of having seven small children, we will poison, drown, or

otherwise make away with four of them on application of a first class

servant girl. Apply at the office of this paper.

What a glorious subject this would have been for Leech or Doyle in the

palmy days of _Punch_, when wit and humour, and not high art and sober

earnest, were considered essentials for the illustration of a comic

paper, and when jokes were not regarded as ill-timed on the part of a

contributor! Historic painters are now the only humourists, and we do

hope one, either English or American, may see this, and avail himself of

it. The next is from an Iowa periodical, and will show our impartiality

to all states in the Union, no one having received an undue share of

attention--that is, beyond its merits. It will, besides, bring us up to

comparatively recent dates:--

CAUTION.

WHEREAS, one U. T. S. RICE, a small, insignificant-looking whelp, who

wears spectacles, carries a large cane, has a limp in his walk, talks

smooth, and lies like Satan, has been obtaining money and credit by

representing himself as a partner in the firm of Smart and Parrott, or

as agent for us: we hereby caution all persons that we are not

responsible for any of his acts. He is in no way connected with us,

but is a perfect dead beat in every sense of the word.

“Dead beat” is a comprehensive and transatlantic euphemism for the more

expressive thief, scoundrel, swindler, or sharper, any one of which, or

all four combined, if he so pleases, the “dead beat” may be; and the

subject of the Iowa notice seems a full-fledged and duly-qualified

representative of the class.

It is hardly necessary to state that in America quacks and quack

medicines abound. The papers are full of the advertisements of these men

and their nostrums, and it would be quite easy to fill a very large

volume with specimens. So much attention has already been given to the

charlatans of Europe that we must perforce content ourselves with a very

few specimens from the _répertoires_ of their American brethren; but the

chief difficulty is not what to select but what to omit. One of the

evils which medical impostors in the States pretend to cure is that of

drunkenness, and a notice in _Harper’s Weekly_, which seems to be the

chief organ of this kind of advertisers, runs as follows:--

DRUNKARDS, Stop! G. C. Beers, M.D., 670, Washington Street, Boston,

Mass., has a medicine that will cure intemperance. Recommended by

Judge Russell. Can be given secretly. Send stamp for circular.

Another vendor of specifics gives in the _New York Sun_ this astonishing

statement and purely unselfish promise:--

TRIED friends the best of friends. Since the suspension of H. C.

Thorpe’s advertisements, the number of deaths by consumption is truly

astonishing; advertisements will now appear for the benefit of the

afflicted.

But this is nothing compared with the marvellous Riga Balsam, about the

incomparable virtues of which we have a long advertisement, which, after

all sorts of extraordinary statements, ends thus:--

N.B. The trial of the Riga Balsam is this: Take a hew or a ram, drive

a nail through its skull, brains and tongue, then pour some of it into

the wound, it will directly stop the blood and cure the wound in eight

or nine minutes, and the creature will eat as before.

A stoop costs two dollars, and it is sold in smaller portions; at the

sale every person gets a direction which describes its surprising

virtues and how it is to be used. The glasses, jars and bottles, are

sealed up with this seal (A. K. Balsam) to prevent counterfeits.

_Ecclesiasticus_, chap. xxxiii. ver. 4. The Lord hath created

medicines out of the earth, and he that is wise will not abhor them.

Which forcibly reminds us of an equally wonderful specific which was

known in Holland about a century ago, if we may believe the _Dutch

Mercurius_ for January 1772, which states that “on December the 30th,

1771, Mr Tunnestrik experimented in the presence of the Prince

Stadholder and sundry professors, by driving an iron spike into a

horse’s head, and afterwards pulling it out with a pair of pincers.

Hereupon he poured certain oils by him invented into the wound, by means

of which the horse within six minutes was whole again, and not even a

scar remained to be seen.” This horse, like the celebrated leg which was

cured of its fracture with tar-water and oakum, must have been made of

wood. With regard to the Riga Balsam, we might swallow that statement

with the assistance, say, of another wonderful American potion, the

Plantation Bitters, which, if we are to judge by the following, could

help anything down:--

S. T.--1860.--X.

TO be, or not to be, that is the question.

Whether to suffer with mental anguish,

Feverish lips, cracking pains, dyspeptic agonies,

And nameless bodily suffering;

Or whether, with sudden dash,

Seize a bottle of PLANTATION BITTERS,

And, as Gunther swears, be myself a man again.

Gunther said my eyes were sallow,

My visage haggard, my breath tremendous bad,

My disposition troublesome--in fact,

He gently hinted I was fast becoming

Quite a nuisance.

Four bottles now beneath my vest have disappeared:

My food has relish, my appetite is keen,

My step elastic, my mind brilliant, and

Nine pounds avoirdupois is added to my weight.

The formula “S. T.--1860.--X.” appears at the top of every advertisement

of the bitters, and the first two portions doubtless refer to the name

of the inventor and the date of the invention, while _x_ may be the

unknown quantity which has to be taken before the promises held forth in

the advertisement are fulfilled. A good instance of the difference

between precept and practice is shown by the annexed, which comes well

from a firm in no way disdainful of the uses of advertising:--

S. T.--1860.--X.

SOME of our contemporaries seem to think that the triumph of their

cause depended, like the fate of Jericho, upon the amount of noise

made. In these days of refinement and luxury, an article of real

intrinsic merit is soon appreciated, hence the unbounded and

unparalleled success of

PLANTATION BITTERS.

Like the two preceding, this is from _Harper’s Weekly_, the price for

advertisements in the inner pages of which is said to be 1 dollar 50

cents per line, about five times as much as any of our highest priced

papers, for the lines are by no means long for the money. The best

customer _Harper’s_ has, and at the price perhaps the best customer any

paper ever had, is Professor Leonidas Hamilton, who puffs himself in the

most extraordinary manner, being always well before his beloved public,

and now and again having _seven_ columns of closely printed matter in

_Harper’s_, at the exorbitant price just mentioned. This lengthy

advertisement is called “A Timely Warning, and the Reason Why,” and is

constructed upon truly Yankee principles. It commences:--

HOW sublime, how beautiful the thought that the researches and

developments of the Nineteenth Century have added fresh and glorious

laurels to the great temple of fame and science! In every department

and phase of progressive development the hand of the sage and

philosopher is ever busy--ever ready to devise means for the

amelioration of human woe and the prolongation of life.

Think you his an enviable position--an existence without stern

obstacles and perplexing cares? Nay, far from it; for he plucks the

lovely rose in peril of the thorn; he climbs to eminence and renown,

and every step he gains is planted on a prostrate foe. He digs the

gold and tries it; another and a bolder hand must strike the blow that

stamps its worth and gives it currency as genuine.

It must be admitted by every rational mind that the man who

contributes the most toward promoting the happiness and welfare of the

human race, must of necessity be the most highly esteemed by his

fellow-men; acting upon this principle, Prof. R. L. HAMILTON, of New

York, has, by patient investigation, and vast experience, solved the

uncertain question in relation to the vexed and important subject of

Liver Complaints and other chronic diseases.

After a long preamble of this kind the Professor describes the “Symptoms

of Liver Complaints,” from which by an easy transition he comes to some

“Important Facts,” informing his “dear reader” that he “has remedies

that will strike at the root of them as by magic,” for “there is no such

word as fail in his treatment.” After that, a couple of columns are

devoted to enumerate the “Reasons why Dr Hamilton is successful.” One of

these is--“Because he has investigated every remedy known to science,

and, in addition, has new remedies, _of the fields and forests_ OF HIS

OWN DISCOVERY, and of the greatest possible efficacy and value.” He ends

this part with the awful words, “The truth must be told if the heavens

fall,” and a lot of testimonials are produced, each with a sensation

heading, and relating the most wonderful effects produced by the

Doctor’s medicines. Thus one has got “an old lung difficulty;” another

has “gained twenty pounds in three months,”--not money unfortunately,

but flesh. One of the most curious puffs arising out of these

testimonials is the following:--

IS ALL THIS TRUE?

Mr. Samuel L. Furlong, of Muskegan, Mich., in a letter dated April 6,

1868, writes:

“I have cut out SEVENTEEN of the testimonials that were in the _New

York Tribune_, and sent them to the persons themselves, with letters

of inquiry about them, and also about you, and every one stated that

they were true, and recommending your remedies very highly; also

giving a history of their cases, which was, indeed, very cheering to a

poor man, with a sick wife and six small children to support.”

The inconsequence of the conclusion is quite refreshing. What benefit

this distressed family could have derived from the perusal of the

testimonials we will not presume to say. Thus by an easy climax of

sensational headings and cures, we arrive at three final articles,

respectively headed, “In his mercy he saves the afflicted!”--“Read, ye

afflicted”--and “Appreciate it fully.” Then follows the “Conclusion”

that it would be useless to cry “humbug,” for the above parties have

volunteered to give their evidence for the benefit of the suffering and

for no other purpose, and the whole ends with a friendly recommendation

to “have no hesitancy in writing to the Doctor, and state to him your

case in full, and he will deal honestly and promptly with you.”

Another very extensive dealer in advertisements, who also uses

_Harper’s_ columns considerably, is the proprietor of the Pain Paint.

His works are humorous and entertaining, the following being a fair

example:--

MY WIFE HAD AN ULCER

On her Leg

Thirteen years,

Caused by various veins

Extending from her ancle to her knee.

Some places eaten away

To the bone.

I have employed

Over twenty eminent physicians

At vast expense,

But all attempts at cure

Proved utterly abortive

Until I used Wolcott’s Pain Paint,

Which the Doctors told me

Was humbug.

But humbug or not

It has done the work complete

In less than one month,

Removing the pain

At first application.

I kept her leg wet

With PAIN PAINT constantly

Till healed.

I wish we had more humbugs as useful

As Dr. Wolcott’s PAIN PAINT.

I am well known in this city,

And any person

Can make further inquiry

At 101 West Street, New York,

At the Hanover House

Of which I am proprietor.

And I think I can satisfy

All as to the benefit

Derived by the use of PAIN PAINT.

May 12, 1868.

PETER MINCK.

There are many advertisements from Hamilton, Wolcott, and various other

“professors” still before us, but with the foregoing we will conclude,

and leave the curious to search the American journals for themselves.

Those who like to take the trouble will find in them an inexhaustible

mine of wealth. The reflection naturally arises in the minds of readers,

that the Americans cannot, after all, be such a wonderfully smart

nation, to allow an almost countless horde of quacks and impostors to

batten on them, and to make large fortunes even in the face of the

tremendous sums they have to pay for advertisements.

* * * * *

Extensive as our Colonies are, and numerous and excellent as are the

newspapers published in them, the advertisements of the present day may

be said with justice to offer no distinctive features whatever. With

the exception of the names of streets and towns, the trade and other

notices are just the same as appear in the home journals; and even the

cries which now and again go up from the Australian papers for missing

relatives are paralleled by similar advertisements constantly appearing

in our own metropolis. We have, though, two or three quaint old

specimens which have been lighted upon at rare intervals, and more

because it would be unfair to pass over our extensive dependencies

without mention than for any other reason we offer them to the

consideration of the reader. The first is nearly eighty years old, and

is copied verbatim from a Jamaica paper of the period:--

_Kingston, March 7, 1795._

HALF-A-JOE REWARD.

WALKED away, about a Month ago, a Negro Wench, named _Prudence_; she

is of the Eboe Country, a yellow Complexion, round chubby Face, goggle

or full Eyes, has lost several of her fore Teeth, is short, lively,

and active, a great Thief, speaks quick and tolerable good English; is

one of the black Parson Lisle’s Congregation; she is marked on both

Shoulders and the left Cheek R. L.; had a Collar about her Neck, Chain

and Lock, as a Punishment for her trying to entice a Man away the

second Time; she is capable of very great Deception; she lards almost

every Word with “plase God,” or some pious Expression, and will thieve

at the same Time.

It is likely she will endeavour to pass as free; she formerly belonged

to Mary Roberts, and lately to Sarah Osborn; she has been twenty Years

in the Town of Kingston, and about fourteen Months in the Country.

When she left Kingston she secreted a Quantity of her Clothes with

some of her Tribe; if gone there, she will be able to change her

Dress. Is well acquainted in Spanish-town, and many other Parts of the

Island; she possesses a great Share of the “holy Goggle,” that is,

throwing up her Eyes, and calling upon everything that is sacred, even

when stolen Goods have been found upon her. She lately ran away, and

was taken up. Whoever apprehends her a second Time, and lodges her in

any Workhouse or Gaol in this Island, shall be entitled to the above

Reward, and all reasonable Charges, on Application to Linwood and

Nicoll, Merchants, in Kingston; or the Subscriber, at Wakefield, in

Cedar Valley, St. George’s.

ROBERT LOOSELY.

N.B. All Masters of Vessels are hereby cautioned against carrying her

off; and all Persons found harbouring her, will be prosecuted with the

utmost Rigour of the Law.

The next is of a considerably later time, being under date 1818, and

comes from a different quarter of the globe. It refers to a raffle for

women, and was published in a daily paper of Calcutta:--

FEMALES RAFFLED FOR.--Be it known, that Six Fair Pretty Young LADIES,

with two sweet and engaging CHILDREN, lately imported from Europe,

having roses of health blooming on their cheeks, and joy sparkling in

their eyes, possessing amiable tempers and highly accomplished, whom

the most indifferent cannot behold without expressions of rapture, are

to be raffled for, next door to the British Gallery. Scheme: Twelve

Tickets, at 12 rupees each; the highest of the three throws,

doubtless, takes the most fascinating, &c. &c.

Modern improvements have, after all, somewhat benefited the world. Who

would dream nowadays of such a scheme having been publicly advertised in

a British dominion less than sixty years since? And this was not by any

means the latest of such speculations either, yet it will be news to

many that, even at the date given, such transactions were openly

conducted. The next, also from Calcutta, is half-a-dozen years later,

and treats of quite another vanity of the owners of the soil:--

NOTICE.--Mr W. M‘Cleish begs to state to his friends and the public

that he has received by the most recent arrivals the Prettiest

Waistcoat Pieces that were ever seen: really it would be worth any

gentleman’s while even to look at them. It surpasses his weak

understanding, how man who is born of a woman and full of trouble,

could invent such pretty things.

It strikes him forcibly that the patterns and texture must have been

undoubtedly invented by some wise philosopher.

Ladies, although my shop’s small, I pray you won’t fear,

I turned out my pelisses, the first of the land sure may wear;

If they are not well finished, or the best of trimmings--

I will undertake to eat backs, breasts, sleeves, and linings.

No. 39, Cossitollah, Jan. 4, 1824.

Australia offers us, by means of the _Sydney Gazette_ of August 1825, an

advertisement worth perusal:--

MRS BROWN respectfully thanks the community of thieves for relieving

her from the fatigues and wearisomeness of keeping a chandler’s shop,

by taking the following goods off her hands; viz.--35 yards of

shirting, 12 do. of muslin, 40 do. of calico, and various articles, as

the auctioneer terms it, “too many to mention in an advertisement.”

But the gentlemen in their despatch of business forgot that they had

taken along with them an infant’s paraphernalia, two dozen of clouts,

so elegantly termed by washerwomen. If the professors of felony do not

give a dinner to their pals, and convert them into d’oyleys for finger

glasses, Mrs Brown will thank them to return them, as they would not

be so unmagnanimous and deficient of honour to keep such bagatelles

from a poor mother and four children. This is to apprize the receivers

of stolen property, that she will sooner or later have the pleasure of

seeing their necks stretched, and that they will receive a tight

cravat under the gallows by their beloved friend Jack Ketch. As the

old saying is “The better the day the better the deed,” the fraternity

performed their operations on Sunday night last.

17, Philip Street.

Another from the same source, though of somewhat later date, refers to a

failing not at all peculiar to the ladies and gentlemen of Sydney, as

most owners and collectors of books have doubtless discovered ere now to

their cost:--

IT is requested that those Ladies and Gentlemen who have, from time to

time, borrowed books from Mr. S. Levy, will return them to the

undersigned, who respectfully solicits all books now in possession of

persons to whom they do not belong, to comply with the above--a fresh

supply may be had. Among the number missing are the Pastor’s Fire

Side, Tales of my Landlord, Kenilworth, Princess Charlotte, Secret

Revenge, Smollett’s Works, Ivanhoe, Tales of the Times, Paradise

Lost--so are the books until found by

B. LEVY.

No. 72, George Street, Sydney.

The solicitation to the books themselves “to comply with the above,” is

no doubt an Australian figure by which, in order to avoid an obnoxious

accusation against the borrowers, the books are supposed to be unwilling

to return to the rightful owners. Between forty and fifty years ago it

would have been very unpleasant in Australia to imply that any one had a

desire to take that which belonged to any one else with a view to its

permanent detention.

As we have said, the advertisements of more modern times call for no

particular mention, and the papers published in New South Wales and

Victoria--excellent journals, some of them capitally illustrated, and

all equal to anything at home--contain nothing in their columns of a

kind different from what has been already given under some one or other

of the various chapter heads of this volume. In Canada the contiguity of

the States is now and again apparent in the advertisements; but after

the full-flavoured samples of the latter, anything from the Dominion

would seem poor indeed.

[47] It is only fair to Americans in general, to state that the

proprietor of this the most American of all American papers is an

Englishman. At least, we are informed so by men who remember him in

London.

[48] Andrew Smith.

[49] Any one the coat fits.

[50] Hezekiah Goddard, Sheriff’s Deputy.