Cheapside, in the most remorseless manner, by the money-hunting
crowd. My right eye had the narrowest possible escape of being
poked out by the tray of a brawny butcher-boy, who, when I civilly
remonstrated, turned round and said, "Vy, I say, who are you, I
vonder, as is so partiklar about your _hye-sight_?" I felt an
involuntary shudder. "Who am I?--to-day," thought I, "I _am_ John
Ebenezer Scropps; two days ago I _was_ Lord Mayor of London;" and so
the rencontre ended, evidently to the advantage of the bristly brute.
It was, however, too much for me. I admit the weakness; but the
effect of contrast was too powerful--the change was too sudden--and I
determined to go to Brighton for a few weeks to refresh myself and be
weaned from my dignity.
We went--we drove to the Royal Hotel; in the hall stood one of his
Majesty's ministers, one of my former guests, speaking to his lady
and daughter: my girls passed close to him,--he had handed one of
them to dinner the year before, but he appeared entirely to have
forgotten her. By-and-by, when we were going out in a fly to take the
air, one of the waiters desired the fly-man to pull off, because Sir
Something Somebody's carriage could not come up,--it was clear that
the name of Scropps had lost its influence.
We secluded ourselves in a private house, where we did nothing but
sigh and look at the sea. We had been totally spoiled for our proper
sphere, and could not get into a better; the indifference of our
inferiors mortified us, and the familiarity of our equals disgusted
us,--our potentiality was gone, and we were so much degraded that a
puppy of a fellow had the impertinence to ask Jenny if she was going
to one of the Old Ship balls. "Of course," said the coxcomb, "I don't
mean the 'Almacks,' for they are uncommonly select."
In short, do what we would, go where we might, we were outraged
and annoyed, or, at least, thought ourselves so; and beyond all
bitterness was the reflection that the days of our dignity and
delight never might return. There were at Brighton no less than
three men who called me Jack, and _that_, out of flies or in
libraries, and one of these chose occasionally, by way of making
himself particularly agreeable, to address me by the familiar
appellation of Jacky. At length, and that only three weeks after
my fall, an over-grown tallow-chandler met us on the Steyne, and
stopped our party to observe, "as how he thought he owed me for two
barrels of coal-tar, for doing over his pig-styes." This settled
it,--we departed from Brighton, and made a tour of the coast; but we
never rallied, and business, which must be minded, drove us before
Christmas to Budge Row, where we are again settled down.
Maria has grown thin--Sarah has turned Methodist--and Jenny, who
danced with his Excellency the Portuguese Ambassador, who was called
angelic by the Right Honourable the Lord Privy Seal; and who,
moreover, refused a man of fortune because he had an ugly name,
is going to be married to Lieutenant Stodge, on the half-pay of
the Royal Marines--and what then? I am sure if it were not for the
females of my family I should be perfectly at my ease in my proper
sphere, out of which the course of our civic constitution raised me.
It was very pleasant at first--but I have toiled long and laboured
hard; I have done my duty, and Providence has blessed my works. If
we were discomposed at the sudden change in our station, I it is who
was to blame, for having aspired to honours which I knew were not to
last. However, the ambition was not dishonourable, nor did I disgrace
the station while I held it. Indeed, I ought to apologize for making
public the weakness by which we were all affected; especially as I
have myself already learned to laugh at what we all severely felt at
first--the miseries of a SPLENDID ANNUAL.
LETTER TO MR. BRODERIP, THE MAGISTRATE, ONE OF HOOK'S FIRMEST FRIENDS.
[Illustration: (first page of the letter)]
[_Continued on another page._]
LETTER TO MR. BRODERIP [CONTINUATION].
[Illustration: (second page of the letter)]
ANECDOTES, HOAXES, AND JESTS OF THEODORE HOOK.
Collected from various sources.
ANECDOTES, HOAXES, AND JESTS.
THE BERNERS-STREET HOAX.
(1809.)
In walking down Berners Street one day, his companion called Hook's
attention to the particularly neat and modest appearance of a house,
the residence, as appeared from the door-plate, of some decent
shopkeeper's widow. "I'll lay you a guinea," said Theodore, "that
in one week that nice modest dwelling shall be the most famous in
all London." The bet was taken--in the course of four or five days
Hook had written and despatched _one thousand_ letters, conveying
orders to tradesmen of every sort within the bills of mortality, all
to be executed on one particular day, and as nearly as possible at
one fixed hour. From waggons of coals and potatoes to books, prints,
feathers, ices, jellies, and cranberry tarts--nothing in any way
whatever available to any human being but was commanded from scores
of rival dealers scattered over our "province of bricks," from
Wapping to Lambeth, from Whitechapel to Paddington. In 1809 Oxford
Road was not approachable either from Westminster, or Mayfair, or
from the City, otherwise than through a complicated series of lanes.
It may be feebly and afar off guessed what the crash and jam and
tumult of that day was. Hook had provided himself with a lodging
nearly opposite the fated No. ----; and there, with a couple of
trusty allies, he watched the development of the mid-day melodrame.
But some of the dramatis personæ were seldom if ever alluded to in
later times. He had no objection to bodying forth the arrival of the
lord mayor and his chaplain, invited to take the death-bed confession
of a peculating common councilman; but he would rather have buried in
oblivion that precisely the same sort of liberty was taken with the
Governor of the Bank, the chairman of the East India Company, a lord
chief justice, a Cabinet minister,--above all, with the Archbishop
of Canterbury, and his Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief. They
all obeyed the summons--every pious and patriotic feeling had been
most movingly appealed to; we are not sure that they all reached
Berners Street: but the Duke of York's military punctuality and
crimson liveries brought him to the point of attack before the
poor widow's astonishment had risen to terror and despair. Perhaps
no assassination, no conspiracy, no royal demise or ministerial
revolution of recent times was a greater godsend to the newspapers
than this audacious piece of mischief. In Hook's own theatrical world
he was instantly suspected, but no sign escaped either him or his
confidants. The affair was beyond that circle a serious one. Fierce
were the growlings of the doctors and surgeons, scores of whom had
been cheated of valuable hours. Attorneys, teachers of all kinds,
male and female, hair-dressers, tailors, popular preachers, and
parliamentary philanthropists, had been victimized in person, and
were in their various notes vociferous. But the tangible material
damage done was itself no joking matter. There had been an awful
smashing of glass, china, harpsichords, and coach-panels. Many a
horse had fallen never to rise again. Beer-barrels and wine-barrels
had been overturned and exhausted with impunity amidst the press
of countless multitudes. It had been a fine field-day for the
pickpockets. There arose a fervent hue and cry for the detection
of the wholesale deceiver and destroyer.
[Illustration: THE BERNERS STREET HOAX.]
Mr. Theodore found it convenient to be laid up for a week or two
by a severe fit of illness, and then promoted re-convalescence
by a country tour. He is said to have on this occasion revisited
Oxford, and professed an intention of at length commencing residence
under the discipline of Alma Mater. But if this was so, it went no
farther; by-and-by the storm blew over, as it would have done had
Berners Street been burnt to the ground, and the Lord Mayor's coach
blown up with all its cargo--and the Great Unknown re-appeared with
tranquillity in the Green Room.
The gambol once shown, it was imitated _ad nauseam_ in many English
towns, and also in Paris, with numberless unmeritorious variations.
Gilbert Gurney expresses high scorn of these plagiarists.
ROMEO COATES.
Some two or three years later Hook performed another hoax more
limited in scale, but to our mind quite as inexcusable. The Regent
gave a fête of surpassing magnificence at Carlton House, on the 17th
of June. Romeo Coates was then in his glory--murdering Shakspeare
at the Haymarket, and driving the bright pink cockle-shell with the
life-large chanticleers in gilt brass about the streets and park.
Theodore, who could imitate any handwriting, contrived to get one
of the Chamberlain's tickets into his possession for an hour, and
produced a facsimile commanding the presence of Signor Romeo. He then
equipped himself in some scarlet uniform, and delivered in person
the flattering missive. The delight of Romeo must be imagined. Hook
was in attendance when the time for his sallying forth arrived, and
had the satisfaction of seeing him swing into his chariot bedizened
in all his finery, with a diamond-hilted sword and the air of Louis
le Grand. The line of carriages being an Alexandrine, Theodore was
also by the "care colonne" when the amateur's vehicle reached its
point--saw him mount up the stair and enter the vestibule. The
stranger, it is known, passed into the interior without remark
or question; but when he had to show his ticket to the Private
Secretary, that eye caught the imposture. Mr. Coates was politely
informed that a mistake had occurred, and had to retrace his steps
to the portico. The blazoned chariot had driven off: in wrath and
confusion he must pick his steps as he might to the first stand of
hackney-coaches. Hook was at his elbow, well muffled up. No such
discomfiture since the Knight of the Woful Countenance was unhorsed
by the Bachelor Sampson Carrasco. We must not omit to say that the
Prince, when aware of what had occurred, signified extreme regret
that any one of his household should have detected the trick, or
acted on its detection. Mr. Coates was, as he said, an inoffensive
gentleman, and his presence might have amused many of the guests, and
could have done harm to no one. His Royal Highness sent his Secretary
next morning to apologize in person, and to signify that as the
arrangements and ornaments were still entire, he hoped Mr. Coates
would come and look at them. And Romeo went. In this performance Hook
had no confidant. To do him justice, he never told the story without
some signs of compunction.
HOOK, MATHEWS, AND THE ALDERMAN.
No mirth in this world ever surpassed the fascination of these early
mountebankeries. We have seen austere judges, venerable prelates,
grand lords, and superfine ladies, all alike overwhelmed and
convulsed as he went over the minutest details of such an episode
as that, for example, of his and Mathews, as they were rowing to
Richmond, being suddenly bitten by the sight of a placard at the
foot of a Barnes garden,--"Nobody permitted to land here--offenders
prosecuted with the utmost rigour of law"--their instant
disembarkation on the forbidden paradise--the fishing-line converted
into a surveyor's measuring-tape--their solemn pacing to and fro on
the beautiful lawn--Hook the surveyor, with his book and pencil in
hand--Mathews the clerk, with the cord and walking-stick, both soon
pinned into the exquisite turf--the opening of the parlour-window,
and fiery approach of the napkined alderman--the comedians' cool,
indifferent reception of him, and his indignant inquiries--the
gradual announcement of their being the agents of the Canal
Company, settling where the new cut is to cross the old gentleman's
pleasaunce--his alarm and horror, which call forth the unaffected
regrets and commiserations of the unfortunate officials, "who are
never more pained than with such a duty"--the alderman's suggestion
that they had better walk in and talk the matter over--their anxious
examination of watches, and reluctant admission that they might
spare a quarter of an hour--"but alas! no use, they fear, none
whatever"--the entry of the dining-room--the turkey just served--the
pressing invitation to taste a morsel--the excellent dinner--the fine
old madeira--the bottle of pink champagne, "a present from my lord
mayor"--the discussion of half-a-dozen of claret and of the projected
branch of the canal--the city knight's arguments getting more and
more weighty--"Really this business must be reconsidered"--"One
bottle more, dear gentlemen"--till at last it is getting dark--they
are eight miles from Westminster Bridge--Hook bursts out into song,
and narrates in extempore verse the whole transaction, winding up
with--
"And we greatly approve of your fare,
Your cellar's as prime as your cook;
And this clerk here is Mathews the player,
And I'm--Mr. Theodore Hook."--(_Exeunt._)[76]
A STRANGE DINNER.
Of Hook's pursuits at the Mauritius, few particulars, save those
given in the letter to Mathews, have reached us: they were probably
not far dissimilar in spirit from those in which he had indulged at
home; at least, an anecdote or two corroborative of the "_solum non
animum mutant_," etc., which we have heard him relate, would lead
to such an inference. One of these bore reference to the reception
with which a respectable family, that had been recommended to his
notice by some common friend in England, was greeted on its arrival
at the island. Hook was, of course, all kindness and hospitality--an
invitation to La Réduite, a country retreat belonging to the
Governor, and at which the Treasurer also occasionally resided,
was immediately forwarded to the strangers. Equally, as a matter
of course, their agreeable host took upon himself the task of
"lionizing" the neighbourhood; and more especially of pointing out to
their observation the beauties, architectural and otherwise, of Port
Louis.
For this purpose, the morning following that of debarcation was
selected. The town at that period, and it has received but few
additions since, was of moderate extent, stretching something in the
shape of an amphitheatre almost three miles along the coast, and
bounded inland at a distance scarcely exceeding half a mile, by an
open space called the "Champ de Mars." Along this narrow slip, the
streets of which are straight and laid out at right angles after the
French fashion, did Mr. Hook conduct his new acquaintances; up one
lane, down another, along the Rue Marengo, by the Government House,
backwards and forwards, right and left, till every building of the
least pretensions to importance had been visited by every possible
mode of approach, and on each occasion honoured with a different name
and fresh history. The Joss House was multiplied by six; the old
East India Company barracks did duty for public asylums for lunatics,
or private residences of the Queen of Madagascar; churches, prisons,
the Royal College and theatre, were examined again and again, and so
on till the miserable party, completely fatigued with the extreme
heat, and seeing no symptoms of a termination to the walk, pleaded
inability to proceed. One ventured to observe, that though of a
much greater size than the view from the harbour would have led him
to suppose, the town exhibited a singular sameness of style in the
principal edifices. "A natural thing enough in an infant colony,"
suggested Hook.
The prospect of a luxurious "tiffin" which was awaiting their return,
served in some manner to restore the spirits of the travellers,
and they took their seats with a full determination of doing ample
justice to the far-famed delicacies of the island. The first course
presented to the eyes of the astonished but still unsuspecting
strangers, comprised nearly every species of _un_eatable that could
be got together. An enormous gourd graced the centre of the table,
strange de-appetizing dishes were placed around, and in turn pressed
upon the attention of the guests.
"Allow me to offer you a little cat-curry," exclaimed the host;
"there is an absurd prejudice against these things in Europe, I know,
but _this_ I can really recommend; or, perhaps, you would prefer a
little devilled monkey; that is, I believe, a dish of fried snakes
opposite you, Mr. J----."
Mr. J---- recoiled in alarm.
"Hand those lizards round, they seem particularly fine."
Nastiness after nastiness was proffered in vain; the perplexed
Cockneys struggled hard to maintain a decent composure, but with
difficulty kept their ground before the unsavoury abominations. What
was to be done?--it was clearly the _cuisine de pays_, and the host
appeared evidently distressed at their want of appreciation of his
fare. One gentleman at length, in sheer despair, thought he "_would_
just try a lizard."
"Pray do so," eagerly returned Hook; "you will find the flavour a
little peculiar at first, I daresay; but it is astonishing how soon
it becomes pleasant to the palate."
But however rapidly a taste for the saurian delicacy might be
acquired, the adventurous individual in question was not destined to
make the experiment. In endeavouring to help himself to one of those
unpromising dainties, the tail became separated from its body--it was
too much for his nerve--turning a little pale, he pushed aside his
plate, and begged to be excused. Since the celebrated "feast after
the manner of the ancients," such a collation had never been put down
before hungry men: the jest, however, was not pushed to extremes,
a second course succeeded; and on the choice viands of which it
consisted the guests proceeded to fall with what appetite they might.
Equally absurd, though perhaps hardly becoming the dignity of a
treasurer and accountant-general, was a piece of pleasantry played
off at the expense of the authorities of the island! It was on the
occasion of a public dinner given at the Government House, and at
which the governor himself, confined by ill health to his country
residence, was unable to be present. The officer next in rank was,
therefore, called upon to preside; but whether from the soup, or the
fish, or the cucumber--if there happened to be any--disagreeing with
him, or from whatever cause, he was compelled to quit the banquet at
an early hour, and was conveyed, utterly incapable of either giving
or receiving any command, to his quarters. The task of occupying the
chair, and proposing the remainder of the loyal and usual toasts, now
devolved on Hook; and, as each separate health was given and duly
signalled, it was responded to by an immediate salute from a battery
in the square below, according to special orders. The appointed
list having been gone through, the greater portion of the company
departed; but the chairman, so far from showing any disposition
to quit his post, begged gentlemen "to fill their glasses, and
drink a bumper to that gallant and distinguished officer, Captain
Dobbs,"--up went the signal--bang! bang! bang! roared the artillery.
"Lieutenant Hobbs" followed, with the same result. "Ensign Snobbs,"
and bang! bang! bang! greeted the announcement of his name. Quick as
the guns could be reloaded, up again went the signal, and off went
his Majesty's twenty-fours, to the honour, successively, of every
individual present, soldier or civilian.
In vain the subaltern on duty, who had expected at the termination of
the accustomed formalities to be permitted to join the party, sent up
a remonstrance. The directions he had received were as imperative as
those delivered by Denmark's king:--
"Let the kettle to the trumpet speak,
The trumpet to the cannoneer without,
The cannon to the heavens--the heaven to earth."
Such a bombardment had not been heard since the capture of the
island, and it was not till the noisy compliment had been paid to
cook and scullion, who were summoned from the kitchen to return
thanks _in propria personâ_, and the powder as well as patience
of the indignant gunners were exhausted, that the firing ceased.
Something in the shape of a reprimand was talked of; but as, after
all, the principal share of blame was not to be attached to the
facetious deputy, the affair was permitted to rest.
LUDICROUS ADVENTURE AT SUNBURY.
In the course of Hook's numerous suburban excursions, or possibly
during his brief sojourn with Doctor Curtis, at Sunbury, he had
become acquainted with a young lady, a resident in the neighbourhood,
possessed of an amiable disposition and great personal attractions.
Theodore was a favourite both with her family and herself, but her
affections, unfortunately, were fixed upon another. Notwithstanding,
however, the evident preference shown to his rival, the young
gentleman prosecuted his suit with all the ardour and blindness of
eighteen. It was to no purpose that good-humoured hints were thrown
out on the part of his inamorata, that, highly agreeable as his
society could not fail to be, another held that place in her regards
for which he was in vain contending. He determined to set all upon a
single cast, and to throw himself, and whatever loose silver might be
remaining from the proceeds of his last operetta, at the fair one's
feet.
On the day fixed for the final appeal, he found the ground already in
the occupation of the enemy; and it was not till towards the close
of the evening that an opportunity was to be snatched of making a
formal proposal for the lady's hand: as might have been expected, it
was declined, firmly but kindly; and off rushed the rejected swain,
in a frenzy of rage, to his hotel, whither--for the little village in
those days boasted but of one--he was soon followed by the successful
candidate, Mr. P----.
It so happened that, in addition to the _contretemps_ of being
lodged beneath the same roof, the rivals actually occupied adjoining
chambers, and were separated from each other merely by a thin boarded
partition: everything that passed in one apartment was consequently
pretty distinctly audible in the next; and the first sounds that
greeted Mr. P---- on his arrival were certain strong objurgations
and maledictions, in which his own name was constantly recurring,
and which proceeded from the neighbouring room. Every now and then
a boot-jack or a clothes-brush was hurled against the wall; next
a noise would be heard as of a portmanteau being kicked across
the floor, accompanied by such epithets as might be supposed most
galling and appropriate to a discomfited foe. Then a pause--a burst
of lamentation or an attempt at irony--then again more invectives,
more railing, more boot-jacks, and so on for half the night did the
hapless lover continue to bewail the bad taste of women in general,
and the especial want of discernment in his own mistress; and to heap
bitter abuse and inflict imaginary chastisement upon the person of
his more favoured opponent.
Mr. P---- was a Welshman, and for a moment the hot blood of the
Tudors and Llewellyns bubbled up; but "cool reflection at length
came across:" the irresistible absurdity of the position struck with
full force upon a mind rendered more than usually complacent by the
agreeable assurances so lately received, and he threw himself on the
bed in a fit of perfectly Homeric laughter. Early on the next morning
Hook started for town; but whether he ever learnt the perilous
vicinity in which he had passed the few preceding hours, we know not.
The anecdote reached us from a different quarter.