You're manufacturer of _pens_ and _quills_;
And for the first you well may feel a pride,
Your _pens_ are better far than most I've tried;
But for the _quills_ your words are somewhat loose--
Who _manufactures quills_ must be a Goose.
EPIGRAM.
It seems as if nature had curiously plann'd,
That men's names with their trades should agree;
There's Twining the Tea-man, who lives in the Strand,
Would be _whining_ if robb'd of his T.
ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.
When Dido's spouse to Dido would not come,
She mourn'd in silence, and was DI, DO, DUMB!
THE SPLENDID ANNUAL;[74]
OR, FORTUNES AND MISFORTUNES OF A LORD MAYOR.
Literature, even in this literary age, is not the ordinary pursuit
of the citizens of London, although every merchant is necessarily
a man of letters, and underwriters are as common as cucumbers.
Notwithstanding, however, my being a citizen, I am tempted to
disclose the miseries and misfortunes of my life in these pages,
because, having heard the "Anniversary" called a splendid annual,
I hope for sympathy from its readers, seeing that I have been a
"splendid annual" myself.
My name is Scropps--I _am_ an Alderman--I _was_ Sheriff--I _have
been_ Lord Mayor--and the three great eras of my existence were the
year of my shrievalty, the year of my mayoralty, and the year after
it. Until I had passed through this ordeal I had no conception of the
extremes of happiness and wretchedness to which a human being may be
carried, nor ever believed that society presented to its members an
eminence so exalted as that which I once touched, or imagined a fall
so great as that which I experienced.
I came originally from that place to which persons of bad character
are sent--I mean Coventry, where my father for many years contributed
his share to the success of parliamentary candidates, the happiness
of new married couples, and even the gratification of ambitious
courtiers, by taking part in the manufacture of ribands for election
cockades, wedding favours, and cordons of chivalry; but trade
failed, and, like his betters, he became bankrupt, but, unlike his
betters, without any consequent advantage to himself; and I, at
the age of fifteen, was thrown upon the world with nothing but a
strong constitution, a moderate education, and fifteen shillings and
elevenpence three farthings in my pocket.
With these qualifications I started from my native town on a
pedestrian excursion to London; and, although I fell into none of
those romantic adventures of which I had read at school, I met
with more kindness than the world generally gets credit for, and
on the fourth day after my departure, having slept soundly, if not
magnificently, every night, and eaten with an appetite which my mode
of travelling was admirably calculated to stimulate, reached the
great metropolis, having preserved of my patrimony no less a sum than
nine shillings and sevenpence.
The bells of one of the churches in the city were ringing merrily
as I descended the heights of Islington; and were it not that my
patronymic Scropps never could, under the most improved system of
campanology, be jingled into anything harmonious, I have no doubt I,
like my great predecessor Whittington, might have heard in that peal
a prediction of my future exaltation; certain it is I did not; and,
wearied with my journey, I took up my lodging for the night at a very
humble house near Smithfield, to which I had been kindly recommended
by the driver of a return post-chaise, of whose liberal offer of the
moiety of his bar to town, I had availed myself at Barnet.
As it is not my intention to deduce a moral from my progress in
the world at this period of my life, I need not here dilate upon
the good policy of honesty, or the advantages of temperance and
perseverance, by which I worked my way upwards, until, after meriting
the confidence of an excellent master, I found myself enjoying it
fully. To his business I succeeded at his death, having several years
before, with his sanction, married a young and deserving woman,
about my own age, of whose prudence and skill in household matters
I had long had a daily experience. In the subordinate character of
his sole domestic servant, in which she figured when I first knew
her, she had but few opportunities of displaying her intellectual
qualities, but when she rose in the world, and felt the cheering
influence of prosperity, her mind, like a balloon soaring into
regions where the bright sun beams on it, expanded, and she became,
as she remains, the kind unsophisticated partner of my sorrows and
my pleasures, the friend of my heart, and the guiding-star of my
destinies.
To be brief, Providence blessed my efforts and increased my means; I
became a wholesale dealer in everything, from barrels of gunpowder
down to pickled herrings; in the civic acceptation of the word I was
a merchant, amongst the vulgar I am called a drysalter. I accumulated
wealth; with my fortune my family also grew, and one male Scropps,
and four female ditto, grace my board at least once in every week;
for I hold it an article of faith to have a sirloin of roasted beef
upon my table on Sundays, and all my children round me to partake of
it: this may be prejudice--no matter--so long as he could afford it,
my poor father did so before me; I plead that precedent, and am not
ashamed of the custom.
Passing over the minor gradations of my life, the removal from
one residence to another, the enlargement of this warehouse, the
rebuilding of that, the anxiety of a canvass for common councilman,
activity in the company of which I am liveryman, inquests, and
vestries, and ward meetings, and all the other pleasing toils to
which an active citizen is subject, let us come at once to the first
marked epoch of my life--the year of my Shrievalty. The announcement
of my nomination and election filled Mrs. S. with delight; and when
I took my children to Great Queen Street, Lincoln's Inn Fields, to
look at the gay chariot brushing up for me, I confess I felt proud
and happy to be able to show my progeny the arms of London, those of
the Spectacle-makers' Company, and those of the Scroppses (recently
found at a trivial expense) all figuring upon the same panels. They
looked magnificent upon the pea-green ground, and the wheels, "white
picked-out crimson," looked so chaste, and the hammercloth, and
the fringe, and the festoons, and the Scropps' crests all looked so
rich, and the silk linings and white tassels, and the squabs and the
yellow cushions and the crimson carpet looked so comfortable, that,
as I stood contemplating the equipage, I said to myself, "What have I
done to deserve _this_? O that my poor father were alive to see his
boy Jack going to Westminster, to chop sticks and count hobnails, in
a carriage like this!" My children were like mad things; and in the
afternoon, when I put on my first new brown court suit (lined, like
my chariot, with white silk), and fitted up with cut steel buttons,
just to try the effect, it all appeared like a dream; the sword,
which I tried on, every night for half an hour after I went up to
bed, to practise walking with it, was very inconvenient at first;
but use is second nature; and so by rehearsing and rehearsing I made
myself perfect before that auspicious day, when Sheriffs flourish and
geese prevail--namely, the twenty-ninth of September.
The twelve months which followed were very delightful, for,
independently of the _positive_ honour and _éclat_ they produced, I
had the Mayoralty in _prospectu_ (having attained my aldermanic gown
by an immense majority the preceding year), and as I used during
the sessions to sit in my box at the Old Bailey, with my bag at my
back and my bouquet on my book, my thoughts were wholly devoted to
one object of contemplation; culprits stood trembling to hear the
verdict of a jury, and I regarded them not; convicts knelt to receive
the fatal fiat of the Recorder, and I heeded not their sufferings,
as I watched the Lord Mayor seated in the centre of the bench, with
the sword of justice stuck up in a goblet over his head--there,
thought I, if I live two years, shall _I_ sit--however, even as it
was, it was very agreeable. When executions, the chief drawbacks
to my delight, happened, I found, after a little seasoning, I took
the thing coolly, and enjoyed my toast and tea after the patients
were turned off, just as if nothing had happened; for, in _my_ time,
we hanged at eight and breakfasted at a quarter after, so that
without much hurry we were able to finish our muffins just in time
for the cutting down at nine. I had to go to the House of Commons
with a petition, and to Court with an address--trying situation for
one of the Scroppses--however, the want of state in Parliament,
and the very little attention paid to us by the members, put me
quite at my ease at Westminster; while the gracious urbanity of our
accomplished monarch[75] on his throne made me equally comfortable at
St. James's. Still I was but a secondary person, or rather only one
of two secondary persons--the chief of bailiffs and principal Jack
Ketch; there _was_ a step to gain--and, as I often mentioned to Mrs.
Scropps, I was sure my heart would never be still until I had reached
the pinnacle.
Behold at length the time arrived! Guildhall crowded to excess--the
hustings thronged--the aldermen retire--they return--their choice is
announced to the people--it has fallen upon John Ebenezer Scropps,
Esq. Alderman and spectacle-maker--a sudden shout is heard--"Scropps
for ever!" resounds--the whole assembly seems to vanish from my
sight--I come forward--am invested with the chain--I bow--make a
speech--tumble over the train of the Recorder, and tread upon the
tenderest toe of Mr. Deputy Pod--leave the hall in ecstasy, and drive
home to Mrs. Scropps in a state of mind bordering upon insanity.
The days wore on, each one seemed as long as a week, until at length
the 8th of November arrived, and then did it seem certain that
I should be Lord Mayor--I was sworn in--the civic insignia were
delivered to me--I returned them to the proper officers--my chaplain
was near me--the esquires of my household were behind me--the thing
was done--never shall I forget the tingling sensation I felt in my
ear when I was first called "My Lord"--I even doubted if it were
addressed to me, and hesitated to answer--but it _was_ so--the reign
of splendour had begun, and after going through the accustomed
ceremonies, I got home and retired to bed early, in order to be fresh
for the fatigues of the ensuing day.
Sleep I did not--how was it to be expected?--some part of the
night I was in consultation with Mrs. Scropps upon the different
arrangements; settling about the girls, their places at the banquet,
and their partners at the ball; the wind down the chimney sounded
like the shouts of the people; the cocks crowing in the mews at the
back of the house I took for trumpets sounding my approach; and the
ordinary incidental noises in the family I fancied the popguns at
Stangate, announcing my disembarkation at Westminster--thus I tossed
and tumbled until the long wished-for day dawned, and I jumped up
anxiously to realize the visions of the night. I was not long at my
toilet--I was soon shaved and dressed--but just as I was settling
myself comfortably into my beautiful brown broadcloth inexpressibles,
crack went something, and I discovered that a seam had ripped half a
foot long. Had it been consistent with the dignity of a Lord Mayor
to swear, I should, I believe, at that moment, have anathematized
the offending tailor;--as it was, what was to be done?--I heard
trumpets in earnest, carriages drawing up and setting down; sheriffs
and chaplains, mace bearers, train bearers, sword bearers, water
bailiffs, remembrancers, Mr. Common Hunt, the town clerk, and the
deputy town clerk, all bustling about--the bells ringing--and _I_
late, with a hole in my inexpressibles! There was but one remedy--my
wife's maid, kind, intelligent creature, civil and obliging, and
ready to turn her hand to anything, came to my aid, and in less than
fifteen minutes her activity, exerted in the midst of the confusion,
repaired the injury, and turned me out fit to be seen by the whole
corporation of London.
When I was dressed, I tapped at Mrs. Scropps's door, went in, and
asked her if she thought I should do; the dear soul, after settling
my point-lace frill (which she had been good enough to pick off her
own petticoat on purpose) and putting my bag straight, gave me the
sweetest salute imaginable.
"I wish your Lordship health and happiness," said she.
"Sally," said I, "your Ladyship is an angel;" and so, having
kissed each of my daughters, who were in progress of dressing,
I descended the stairs, to begin the auspicious day in which I
reached the apex of my greatness. Never shall I forget the bows--the
civilities--the congratulations--Sheriffs bending before me--the
Recorder smiling--the Common Serjeant at my feet--the pageant was
intoxicating; and when, after having breakfasted, I stepped into that
glazed and gilded house upon wheels, called the stage coach, and saw
my sword-bearer pop himself into one of the boots, with the sword of
state in his hands, I was lost in ecstasy. I threw myself back upon
the seat of the vehicle, with all possible dignity, but not without
damage; for, in my efforts at ease and elegance, I snapped off the
cut steel hilt of my own rapier, by accidentally bumping the whole
weight of my body right, or rather wrong, directly upon the top of it.
But what was a sword hilt and a bruise to _me_--pride knows no
pain--I felt none--I was _the_ Lord Mayor, the greatest man in
the greatest city of the greatest nation in the world. The people
realised my expectation; and "Bravo! Scropps," and "Scropps for
ever!" resounded again and again, as we proceeded slowly and
majestically towards the river, through a fog which prevented our
being advantageously seen, and which got down the throat of the
sword-bearer, who was a little troubled with asthma, and who coughed
incessantly during our progress, much to my annoyance, not to speak
of the ungraceful movements which his convulsive barkings gave to the
red velvet scabbard of the honourable glaive, as it stuck out of the
coach window.
We embarked in _my_ barge. A new scene of splendour here awaited me:
guns, flags, banners, in short, every thing that taste and fancy
could suggest, or a water-bailiff provide, were awaiting me. In the
gilded bark was a cold collation. I ate, or tried to eat, but I
tasted nothing. Fowls, pâtees, game, beef, ham--all had the same
flavour; champagne, hock, and Madeira, were all alike to me. "Lord
Mayor" was all I saw, all I heard, all I swallowed; every thing was
pervaded and absorbed by the one captivating word; and the repeated
appeals to "My Lordship" were sweeter than nectar.
Well, sir, at Westminster I was presented and received; and what
do you think I then did--I, John Ebenezer Scropps, of Coventry?--I
desired the Recorder to invite the Judges to dine with me at the
Guildhall!--I, who remember when two of the oldest and most innocent
of the twelve came the circuit, trembling at the very sight of them,
and believing them some extraordinary creatures, upon whom all the
hair and fur, that I saw, grew naturally; I not only asked these
formidable beings to dine with me, but, as if I thought it beneath my
dignity to do so in my own proper person, actually deputed a judge of
my own to do it for me. I never shall forget their lordships' bows in
return; mandarins on a mantelpiece are fools to them.
Then came the return. We re-embarked; and then, in reality, did
I hear the guns at Stangate saluting me. I stood it like a man,
although I have always a fear of accidents from the wadding. The tide
was with us; we soon reached Blackfriars' Bridge; we landed once
more in the sphere of my greatness. At the corner of Fleet Street
was the Lady Mayoress, waiting for the procession; there she was,
Sally Scropps--my own Sally--(her maiden name was Snob,)--with a
plume of feathers that half filled the coach, and young Sally, and
Jenny, and Maria, all crammed in the front seat, with their backs to
_my_ horses, which were pawing the mud, and snorting, and smoking
like steam-engines, with nostrils like safety-valves; not to speak
of four of my footmen hanging behind the carriage, like bees in
a swarm. There had not been so much riband in my family since my
poor father's failure at Coventry; and yet, how often, over and
over again, although the poor old man had been dead more than twenty
years, did I during that morning, in the midst of my splendour, think
of _him_, and wish to my heart that he could see me in my greatness.
Even in the midst of my triumph, I seemed to defer to my good kind
parent--in heaven, as I hope and trust--as if I were anxious for
_his_ judgment, and _his_ opinion, as to how I should perform the
manifold arduous duties of the day.
Up Ludgate Hill we went--the fog grew thicker and thicker--but then
the beautiful women at the windows--those high up could only just
see my knees, and the paste buckles in my shoes. This I regretted;
but every now and then I bowed condescendingly to the people, in
order to show my courtesy, and my chain and collar, which I had
discovered during the morning shone the brighter for being shaken.
But else I maintained a proper dignity throughout my progress; and,
although I said an occasional word or two to my chaplain, and smiled
occasionally at Mr. Water-bailiff, I took no more notice of Mr. Sword
and Mr. Mace, than I should have taken of Gog and Magog.
At length we reached Guildhall. As I crossed that beautiful building,
lighted brilliantly, and filled with splendidly dressed company,
and heard the deafening shouts which pealed through its roof as I
entered it, I felt a good deal flurried. I retired to a private room,
adjusted my dress, shook out my frill, rubbed up my chain and collar,
and prepared to receive my guests. They came, and shall I ever forget
it? Dinner was announced; the bands played "Oh! the roast beef of Old
England." Onwards we went. A prince of the blood--of the blood royal
of my own country--led out Sally--my own Sally--the Lady Mayoress;
the Lord Chancellor handed out young Sally--I saw it done--I thought
I should have fainted; the Prime Minister took Maria; the Lord Privy
Seal gave his arm to Jenny; and Mrs. Snob, my wife's mother--a
wonderful woman at her age, bating her corpulency--was escorted to
table by the Right Honourable the Lord Chief Justice of the King's
Bench, in his full robes and collar of SS. Oh, if my poor father
could have but seen _that_!
At the ball, my eldest girl danced with the Secretary of State
for Foreign Affairs, and found him very chatty, though a bit of a
"swell;" Maria danced with the Lord Privy Seal; and my youngest with
a very handsome man, who wore a riband and star, but who he was, we
none of us could ever find out; no matter--never did I see such a
day, although it was but the first of three hundred and sixty-five
splendid visions.
It would be tedious to expatiate in detail upon all the pleasures
of this happy year, thus auspiciously begun. Each month brought its
fresh pleasures; each week its new amusements; each day its festival.
Public meetings, under the sanction of the Right Honourable the Lord
Mayor; concerts and balls, under the patronage of the Lady Mayoress.
Then came Easter, and its dinner--Blue-coat boys and buns; then to
St. Paul's one Sunday, and to some other church another Sunday. And
then came summer; and then there was swan-hopping _up_ the river, and
white-baiting _down_ the river; Crown and Sceptre below, navigation
barge above; music, flags, streamers, guns, and company. Turtle every
day in the week; peas a pound per pint, and grapes a guinea a pound;
not to speak of dabbling in rose-water, served in gold, nor the
loving cup, nor the esquires of my household, all in full dress at my
elbow.
The days, which before had seemed weeks, were now turned to minutes;
scarcely had I swallowed my breakfast, when I was in the justice
room; and before I had mittimused half a dozen paupers for begging
about the streets, luncheon was ready; this hardly over, in comes a
despatch or a deputation; and so on till dinner, which was barely
ended before supper was announced. We all became delighted with the
Mansion House. My girls grew graceful by the new confidence their
high station gave them; Maria refused a good offer because her lover
had an ugly name; and my dearest Sarah was absolutely persecuted by
Sir Patrick O'Donahoo, who had what is called the run of the house,
and who scarcely ever dined out of it during my mayoralty, whether
I was at home or not. What did it matter? There was plenty to eat
and drink; the money must be spent, and the victuals cooked; and so
as we made ourselves happy, it was of no great consequence having
one or two more or less at table. We got used to the place--the
establishment had got used to us; we became, in fact, easy in our
dignity, and happy in our state, when, lo and behold, the ninth
of another November came--the anniversary of my exaltation--the
conclusion of my reign.
Again did we go to Guildhall; again were we toasted and addressed;
again we were handed in and led out; the girls again flirted with
Cabinet ministers, and danced with ambassadors; and at two o'clock in
the morning drove home from the scene of gaiety to our old residence
in Budge Row, Walbrook. Never in this world did pickled herrings
and turpentine smell so powerfully as when we entered the house
upon that occasion; and although my wife and the young ones stuck
to the drinkables at Guildhall as long as was decent, in order to
keep up their spirits, their natural feelings would have way, and a
sort of shuddering disgust seemed to fill all their minds on their
return home. The passage looked so narrow, the drawing-room looked
so small, the staircase was so dark, and the ceilings were so low.
However, being tired, we all slept well--at least, I did; for I was
in no humour to talk; and the only topic I could think upon, before I
dropped off, was a calculation of the amount of expenses which I had
incurred during the just expired year of my magnificence.
In the morning we assembled at breakfast; a note which had arrived
by the twopenny post lay on the table; it was addressed "Mrs.
Scropps, Budge Row." The girls, one after another, took it up, read
the undignified superscription, and laid it down again. My old and
excellent friend Bucklesbury called to inquire after us. What were
his first words?--they _were_ the first I had heard from a stranger
since my change;--"Well, Scropps, how are you, old boy? Done up, eh?"
"Scropps--old boy"--no deference, no respect, no "My lord, I hope
your lordship passed a comfortable night; and how is her ladyship,
and your lordship's amiable daughters?" not a bit of it--"How's
Mrs. S. and the _gals_?" There was nothing in this; it was quite
natural--all as it _had_ been--all as it must be--all as it should
be; but how very unlike what it _was_ only one day before! The very
servants themselves, who, when amidst the strapping, state-fed,
lace-loaded lackeys of the Mansion House (transferred, with the
chairs and tables, from one lord mayor to another), dared not speak,
nor look, nor say their lives were their own, strutted about, and
banged the doors, and talked of their "missis," as if she had been an
apple-woman.