I'll tell you. When you get out of the gate down there, turn to your
left, and keep on straight till you come to Pussy's Nob; then away
to the right, over Sumpter's Green, and you'll soon see the Crooked
Billet. Don't go near that, but turn short round by Wheatley's Copse;
keep on, till you come to the stile on your left; go over that,
through Timsbury's Lane, and that will bring you out by the Three
Mackerel, and there they'll be sure to put you in the right road.'
"'Thank you,' said I to the farmer, 'I will follow your instructions
most implicitly; but I suppose I shall have no chance of getting a
shot, now, in that direction--even at a pheasant-roosting--eh?'
"'No, sir,' said the farmer, 'can't say as how I think you will get
many more shots this evening.'
"'Well,' said I, 'now both my barrels are loaded. I've got nothing in
my bag but an old buck rabbit with a nob tail; and as I hate going
home with no proofs of my sport, and the one head--or tail--that I
have bagged takes the domestic character, what shall I give you to
have a shot with both barrels at all those ducks in the pond, and
the fowls on the side of it, standing here, and to carry away what I
kill?'
"'You'll kill a woundy sight on 'em, I think, at that distance,' said
the considerate farmer.
"'Perhaps yes--perhaps no,' said I.
"'And to have all you kill?' said he, doubtingly.
"'Yes; all I kill fairly out-and-out,' said I.
"'Why, you shall give me half-a-guinea,' said the man.
"'Half-a-guinea!' echoed I. 'No, no; if I kill three or four of them
it will be the outside. No; I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll stand
here--won't move an inch; and you shall have a seven-shilling piece
for the slaughter.'
"'Well, sir,' said the farmer, hitching up his lower garments, 'a
bargain's a bargain. Hand over the twine.'
"Whereupon," said Daly, "I tipped him that beautiful miniature
portrait of half-a-guinea, and told him I was ready to take my shots.
He nodded assent; and, having pocketed the money, bade me proceed. I
did so. Crack went one barrel--bang! slap went the other--bang!--and
such a fluttering, and cackling, and squashing, and squabbling you
never heard. I ran forward, and secured, as my spoil, four hens
in high condition, a very respectable cock, fit companion for my
rabbit; and from the pond fished, with the butt-end of my Manton,
two extremely corpulent ducks, who had paid the debt of nature in
the most decided manner; these I got out, the others I got up, and
stuffed them all incontinently into my bag, delighted to think what
a display I should make at Wrigglesworth, where it was quite clear I
could, by no possibility, arrive in time for dinner. However, that
was _my_ joke, and it seemed to be the farmer's; he laughed quite as
much as I did."
"Inherent good humour, I suppose," said I.
"Why, as for that," said Daly, "_you_ shall judge. I bagged my birds
in the first instance; and then, having secured my booty, began to
rally my victim; and having acknowledged his civility in giving me my
travelling directions, said to him, with a low bow, 'Thank you for
the game, sir.'
"'Yes, sir,' said the farmer, 'you are a deuced sight better shot
than I counted upon, considering what you had in your bag afore.'
"'Yes,' said I, 'I think you are what you may call "done." Seven
shillings won't pay for the poultry in my pouch, I guess.'
"'No,' said the farmer, 'nor three times the money, I count.'
"'Well, then,' replied I, 'I think I have the best of the bargain.'
"'Not much,' said the man.
"'Not much!' cried I; 'why, a guinea's worth of fowls for a
seven-shilling piece----'
"'Yees, sir, that's true,' said the fellow, turning slowly away from
the hatch, and grinning as he turned; '_but they are none on 'em
mine_.'
"I could have killed him for his roguery; but there was so much fun
in it----"
"----So much in your own way," cried I.
"Exactly so," said Daly; "that, instead of breaking his head, which
he most righteously deserved, I joined in his infernal horse-laugh,
and made the best of my way out of the farm-yard, lest I should be
immediately apprehended by the right owner as a robber of hen-roosts."
"And," said I, "you carried home your spoils."
"Not I," exclaimed my unstoppable companion. "Take some wine--help
yourself--and listen; for the sequel is most terrible. I had _such_ a
night of it!"
"How?" said I.
"Why," said Daly, "out of the gate I went, turned to my left, and got
to Pussy's Nob; but it began to get dusk, and very soon afterwards
dark; and when I began veering away over Sumpter's Green, I found
myself on a wide common, without path, guide, or guide-post. As the
darkness increased, so did the declivity; and when I had lost all
power of seeing, I was gratified by feeling myself in a sort of
quagmire, which, for all I knew, might get softer and thicker every
step I took. I looked out for the stars, and saw a few: but they
were of no kind of use to me; for I had not the slightest idea what
direction, even under their guidance, I ought to take. I resolved to
avoid the bogs; and kept edging away, until I at length reached a
gap, which, as it led off the infernal common, I hoped might lead me
to some habitation."
"Where spring-guns and steel-traps were set every night," said I.
"Not a bit of it," said Daly. "I went on, following my nose, until I
found myself at the edge of a copse, which I began to think looked
extremely like Squire Bagswash's preserve. However, it was not
_that_; but I heard people talking at no great distance, and a call
of 'Halloo!' How to act I did not exactly know, with a gun and a
bagfull of cocks and hens, and a venerable rabbit to boot. What could
I do? To have answered the call would have been to be detected as a
poacher in the dark. I resolved, at all events, on getting rid of
my poultry in the first instance, and accordingly emptied my store,
rabbit, tail, and all, and proceeded somewhat more gaily after having
thrown out my ballast; yet not without some apprehension, either of
being shot by the keepers for a poacher, or by the poachers for a
keeper; I so got clear of the whistling firs and moaning larches as
fast as I could, still utterly ignorant of my course."
"And getting late," said I.
"It must then have been past eight," said Daly. "On I trudged;
scrambled over the furrows of one field, and through the turnips in
another; and so on and on, until at last I was forced to sit myself
down on a gate and rest; and, I give you my word, although I have
known a great deal of the world, I never was so dead beat in my
life as I was then. Not a house could I see. The glimmering of a
rushlight in a cottage window would, in my eyes, have been thrice
more brilliant than the whole regalia of England collected. But no:
there were no cottages--no rushlights; and I do believe I went the
length of swearing at my own stupidity in undertaking my solitary
excursion. Only one set-off was there to the whole thing;--I had
seen the Bagswashes, male and female, and laid in materials for an
_historiette_ for the next evening--that is, if I really survived
the present one; but I began to feel cold, and hungry, and thirsty.
However, it appeared pretty certain that out of the fields I must
get, if I went straight on end, and could not well fail of fetching
up in a road somewhere at last."
"Which, as you are here alive to tell the tale," said I, "of course
you did."
"Why, yes," said Daly, "I did; but it was not for a long time; and
then I had come to a full stop; and, striking the butt of my Manton
on the ground, I swore, by stock and barrel, that I would not budge
from under a huge tree which overshadowed me till daylight came to
my aid. I was ravenous--I was chilled--I was wretched--I was tired
to death; but why tire myself more?--and accordingly, feeling, and I
daresay looking, very like the dear Don of La Mancha, I sat myself
down with my back against the trunk, and, if you'll believe me, fell
fast asleep."
"Asleep!" said I.
"Fast as a church," said Daly, "and dreamt--dreamt, first, that I
was starving,--_that_, I think, must have been a sort of waking
vision; then, that I was at a ball; and then I dreamt of being safe
back at mine host's hospitable mansion; and then I had a confused,
hurly-burly kind of a dream, either that I was Sir Marmaduke
Wrigglesworth, or that Lady Wrigglesworth was Mrs. Daly, or something
of that sort, and that I tumbled out of bed, which tumble was to
me a 'dying fall;' for I rolled over on my side, and woke--in no
bed--in no house, but where I had lain me down, under the tree
before-mentioned."
"You must have caught your death of cold?" said I.
"No, Dalys and cats are very tenacious," said my jocular friend;
"I roused myself--sat up and listened--recollected where I was,
and heard at the same moment what was really 'sweet music to mine
ear,' the sound of a bell-team. Ho! ho! says I--you are _there_, are
you?--where there are bells there are horses--where there's a team
there's a waggon--where there's a waggon there's a road--up I jumped,
and as fast as I could, just roused from my slumbers, scrambled over
brambles and clambered over fences, until I caught sight of the
waggoner's lantern waggling on the side of the tilt like a bright
pendulum to regulate the wheels; the moment I saw _that_ I knew I was
landed, and, after encountering a few of those thumps and bumps which
'flesh is heir to,' found myself on a high road. Waggons, even those
called 'flies,' may be overtaken, and although dead beat, and sore of
foot, I soon came up with the eight plaited-tailed animals which were
dragging the mountain, second only in size to the Juggernaut idol.
"My first object was to ascertain where I was, and what the direction
of the vast pile before me. I found, to my particular satisfaction,
that I was within two miles of Ripley, and that the edifice was
moving towards London--the result was, an involuntary spring upon
the shafts of the vehicle, and a look at the waggoner, which, by
the light of his revolver, was perfectly intelligible. The gun, the
gaiters, the grace, and the gentility, spoke the gentleman, and he
gave me leave to assume the post which he himself was prevented
by Act of Parliament from occupying. All my sorrows fled the
moment I felt myself moved along without any personal exertion,
and the smiles which had nearly been exhausted during my toil and
trouble, returned, as Moore sings, to 'gild my brow.' 'I have had
walking enough,' said I to myself, 'and grieving enough--_nunc est
ridendum_.'"
"Excellent wag!" said I.
"Excellent waggon, rather," said Daly, "for so it proved; and after
three-quarters of an hour's hard tugging by the '_bell_ assemblée'
before me, I was dropped, gun, gaiters, bag, and all, at the door of
the Talbot--facing the Green. I tipped my driver--bade adieu to the
tilt--and began knocking loudly at the door of mine ostlery."
"And a nice enough inn it is," said I.
"It turned out to be past midnight," said Daly; "and, by the merest
luck in the world, the exemplary widow who then occupied it had
not gone to her rest, or roost. She personally answered my call,
and replied to my knock. After a few preliminary 'Who's there's?'
she opened the door; and the moment she recognised me--for I was
well known upon the road--her delight, as you may conceive, was
unspeakable.
"'Bless my heart, Mr. Daly,' said the widow, 'what a time o' night to
be strolling about with your gun! Why, where do _you_ come from?'
"'That,' said I, 'is about the last question in the world I can
answer satisfactorily. I have been wandering across a country with
which I am not particularly well acquainted--have tired myself to
death, and fallen asleep.'
"'Fallen indeed,' said mine hostess, 'into a ditch, Mr. Daly, I
should think. Why, dear me, what a condition you are in!'
"'Exactly,' said I; 'recumbent repose in October under an oak, is not
particularly delicate; however, my darling, give me some supper, some
hot brandy and water, and order me the most comfortable bed in the
house, for I am a-tired.'
"'Why, sir,' asked the dear woman, 'where is your servant with your
clothes--you cannot think of sleeping here in that condition?'
"'Not exactly,' said I; 'I shall take off my clothes when I go to
bed--and as for my servant, he is snug and happy at Sir Marmaduke
Wrigglesworth's (where I ought to be too), unless they have sent
him out with a rake and a lantern to search for me and drag all
the horse-ponds in the neighbourhood. I tell you I am hungry--and
tired--and shall be very sleepy;--out with your tit-bits and
delicacies--something piquant--nice--savoury, eh--and after that, a
comfortable nest.'
"'You shall have something to eat,' said the widow, 'and something to
drink, for those I can give you myself; but as for a bed, I haven't
one in the house--crammed full from top to bottom.'
"'I'm very tired,' said I; I can sleep compact like a dog on a
hearth-rug--half a bed will do for me.'
"'Come, Mr. Daly,' said the landlady, 'none of your nonsense--I have
no bed whatever to-night, and here it is almost one o'clock--you
had better let me ring up the next turn-out, and get back to
Wrigglesworth.'
"'Thank you, Fanny,' said I; 'I used to call her Fanny in her
husband's time, and he was killed, switching a rasper, three years
before; 'not I--I should not get there till nearly four--all
the family "in a deep sleep buried,"--no, no--none of _your_
nonsense--where am I to rest?'
"'I told you the truth,' said the widow; 'there's not a bed
disengaged.'
"'Not one?' said I--looking, as I fancied, most insinuatingly, and
helping myself to a glass of brandy from a bottle covered with a gilt
bunch of grapes, at the same time gently pressing the tip of mine
hostess's little finger.
"'Not one, upon my life, Mr. Daly,' replied she; 'indeed, we are so
full, that my sister Jane, who is here, is obliged to sleep with
_me_.'
"'That's very unfortunate indeed,' said I; 'however, I rejoice that
you have so much custom--all's good for trade--at all events, let me
eat--let me warm myself--both in the sunshine of those bright eyes,
and in the blaze of the parlour fire.'
"Mine hostess proceeded to make me exceedingly comfortable--I
ate cold fowl and ham, and drank hot brandy and water, and
eventually punch. Mine hostess sipped shrub--a liquor which, if
it were _liqueur_, would rank fathoms above either Curaçao or
Maraschino--till at last the clock striking two, reminded her it was
time to go to bed.
"'Ah,' said I, 'that is extremely just and proper. But, alas! I am
like my melancholy little friend who was "very gentil, but whose hair
came a leetle through the top of his hat,"--I have no bed to go to.'
"'It's very provoking,' said the landlady, 'so tired as you are, too.'
"'It is, indeed,' replied I--seeing a proposition of some sort or
other on the tip of her tongue.
"'Now,' said she, looking remarkably serious, 'can I trust you--will
you promise me, if I give you a bed, to do as I bid you, Mr. Daly?'
"'Your commands,' said I, 'shall be obeyed to the letter--only let me
rest myself quietly and comfortably--it is all I ask--for never was
poor devil so tired in his life as I.'
"'Take a drop more punch, Mr. Daly,' said my landlady, 'it will make
you sleep the sounder.'
"'No fear of that,' said I; 'but what do you propose?'
"'Why,' said mine hostess, 'I _have_ one bed unoccupied.'
"'Why didn't you say so before?' cried I.
"'I'll tell you why,' said my fair friend; 'it's a double-bedded
room, and the other bed is occupied by a----'
"'----snoring farmer, from Farnham,' said I; 'or perhaps a
tight-skinned sailor, walking his way to town from Portsmouth.'
"'No,' said she, looking very pathetic--and very pretty by the
way--'by a lady.'
"'A lady,' said I, 'oh, charming thought!----'
"'There it is,' interrupted the lady, 'that's just what I expected,
you are all fire and tow--alight in a moment--now I shall not say
another word, and you must sleep, if you _will_ sleep here, in the
arm-chair by the fire.'
"'No,' said I, 'no--don't be angry--I didn't know--I thought----'
"'Yes, Mr. Daly, that's what you are always thinking, I believe,'
said mine hostess, 'but that won't do--the lady who occupies the
other bed in the double-bedded room is a sad invalid; she has been
stopping here for some time, and the only rest she gets is by dint
of laudanum, which the doctor gives her in large doses, and she
sleeps soundly during the night, which makes up for the sufferings
she endures by day. If you choose to behave well--and, tired as you
are, I don't like to turn you out or leave you here--you shall have
the other bed. You must go gently into the room, and when you are in
bed I will come and take away your candle; and as I sleep in the next
room, if you don't remain perfectly quiet I shall insist upon your
getting up and coming down again here into the bar.'
"'Agreed,' said I, 'I only ask for a bed--all I want is rest--I am
scarcely able to walk or stand, therefore I agree to your condition;
let me finish my punch, and marshal me the way I should go.'
"After looking at me suspiciously and hesitatingly for a minute or
two, my dear landlady agreed to trust me; and accordingly having
seen that my bed was properly prepared she returned, and, lighting a
candle, preceded me upstairs, and opening the door of the room put
her finger to her lips to enforce silence, whispering me, that when
I was in bed I should knock against the wainscot which separated her
room from that in which I was to repose, and that she would come and
fetch my candle.
"I promised to obey all her injunctions. The curtains of the other
bed were closely drawn--I never felt so awkward in my life--but I
had promised; yet one peep before the light vanished--no--perhaps
the lady would wake and scream, and I should be forthwith ejected.
I resolved to keep my faith, at all events till mine hostess was
herself asleep, and then see--as far as utter darkness would
permit--how the affair would terminate.
"Accordingly, I hurried off my clothes--washed my face, hands, and
mouth as gently and quietly as possible, and having concluded my
brief preparations for depositing myself on my much longed-for couch,
gave the concerted signal, and scarcely was well in my place before
my dear landlady entered the room on tip-toe, and, coming up close to
the bedside and having whispered 'Now, remember your promise,' took
the glimmering light away, and left me in the dark with my fair and
slumbering companion.
"There was something very strange in my position; I was tired
to death, but somehow I could not sleep. I lay and listened to
hear whether my fair _incognita_ would sneeze--or cough--or cry
'hem'--or play off any little coquettish trick which, under the
circumstances, I thought probable enough. I durst not move, for
_I_ knew I was watched; however, I sat up in the bed and began
to wonder. Is it, thought I, an old woman or a young woman?--an
invalid is interesting, and, bless her, she must be uncommonly
genteel, for she does not snore in the least--a few minutes served
to convince me that my landlady did--and I rather rejoiced in the
sound of her slumbers, since I thought I might perhaps succeed in
attracting the attention of my sleeping partner; and the fact that
a gentleman of my very respectable pretensions was so whimsically
associated with her--knowing mine hostess's archness--induced me to
attribute her readiness to quarter me upon the slumbering beauty,
to a foreknowledge on her part that my introduction would not be
considered altogether an intrusion.
"After I had satisfied myself that my landlady was really safe, I had
recourse to some slight coughs, which do occasionally infest one;
but no, my signals were not answered: the dose of laudanum had been
particularly strong that night. At last I thought I heard a slight
movement. I began to listen till I heard the beating of my own heart,
and felt a sort of drumming palpitation in my ears. I held my breath:
pshaw, thought I, this woman has been cheating me, the other bed is
tenantless,--a trick to try me,--and for what a stupid dolt she will
set me down if I don't convince her that I had at least curiosity
enough in my composition to ascertain what was in it.
"My feelings fired at the thought. Up I got,--groped my way across
the room,--the white dimity drapery being just visible amidst
the 'palpable obscure.' I reached the bed,--I paused,--I heard
nothing;--I partly opened the curtains at the side, and said in a
soft, _very_ soft voice, 'Hem!' No answer. 'Ma'am,--ma'am,' still
silent;--'are you there?' said I;--and, placing my hand on the
pillow, found she was. Dear, unconscious creature, there she lay,
comfortably cuddled up in the clothes, and sleeping, or seeming to
sleep, soundly. I was, I admit, on the point of proceeding to awaken
her, in order to announce my presence, when, in stepping towards the
head of the bed, my foot came in contact with a chair which stood
on its right-hand side, which was overthrown with a crash that, in
an instant, roused--not my dear opium-drinker--but my lynx-like
landlady. I heard her jump out of bed. I jumped into mine, but, in
less than two minutes, there she was, like Margaret's 'grimly ghost,'
standing before me, loading me with reproaches, and ordering me, in
the most peremptory terms, to take the candle, descend the stairs,
and dress myself in the parlour behind the bar, and wait until she
came down to eject me from the house; seeing that she could have
no kind of confidence in a gentleman who had so much confidence in
himself.
"Vain were my pantomimic supplications: she would listen to nothing
but immediate abdication; and I could not well be angry with her,
for she had put faith in me, and perhaps run the risk of losing a
valuable customer by indulging me with the luxuries of ease and rest
which, under no other circumstances, she could have afforded me. I
implicitly obeyed her commands; and, as soon as she had retired to
dress herself, collected my wearing apparel, and slunk downstairs
to prepare for my departure, which seemed inevitable. As I passed
along the passages, I heard multifarious snorings in all directions,
which convinced me of the truth of my landlady's assertions as to the
influx of company, and made me repent more sorely than before, that I
could not for once in my life act with discretion and decorum.
"I had scarcely finished dressing myself when my landlady made her
appearance in the parlour.
"'I really am surprised, sir,' said she, 'at your conduct. I thought,
as a gentleman, you might have been trusted, considering the
circumstances under which I ventured to put you into that room.'
"'Really,' said I, 'I thought you were playing me a trick, and I
could not bear your having the laugh against me, and so I certainly
_did_ venture just to ascertain----'
"'Ascertain!' cried the landlady; 'that's just the very thing you
ought upon no consideration whatever to have done. Did I not tell you
the lady was an invalid? Oh! Mr. Daly, Mr. Daly! I believe you are
the d----'
"'----evil be, ma'am,' said I, interrupting her, 'to him who evil
thinks. I meant no harm, and----'
"'You might have ruined me, sir,' said mine hostess.
"'Might I?' said I; 'when?'
"'This very night, sir,' said she; 'this very hour. Why, what would
have been thought of me and my house, if it had been known that I had
allowed you to sleep in that room? Nobody would have believed that I
did it out of pure regard for your comfort, tired and knocked up as
you were, and because I had not a hole or corner besides into which
you could have poked yourself: however, it will be a lesson for me
another time; and now, Mr. Daly, if you will take my advice,--the
lads are getting up in the yard,--you will let me order out a chaise
and pair, and go on to Guildford, where, I have no doubt, they have
plenty of beds, and where you may get some comfortable rest; and as
the brother of the lady in No. 3 is sleeping here to-night, something
unpleasant to all parties might happen in the morning, and you would
do me a very great favour if you would go.'