this he would say, that whoever should now venture to assert that His
Majesty's Ministers had any other than the benefit of their country
in view, told a thundering lie.--(Loud laughter.)
Mr. Gubbins said that he wholly and totally agreed with the G'elman
what spoke last--he thought that the thanks of the community and the
country at large are due to the Right Hon. G'elman (the Chanciller)
for his expozee; and in order that their ancestors might see--(a
laugh)--he begged pardon, their posteriors--(roars of laughter)--well
then, their children's children and them as comes arter them, might
see the estimation in which that House had held him, he would move
that its freedom be presented to him in a snuff-box of the value
of five sovs., and he would subscribe his bob.--(Cheers, and some
laughter.)
The Speaker interposed, and endeavoured to explain to the Hon. Member
that there was no such thing as freedom in that House, consequently
his motion could not be put.
Mr. Gubbins said he supposed it would be unreglar to argufy that pint
with the Right Hon. Speaker, he would therefore bow to the Cheer; he
would not however be done out of doing nothing, and with reference
to the place represented by the Right Hon. G'elman the Chanciller,
he would propose to bestow upon him the title of "The Bermondsey
_Screw_."--(Laughter.)
(As _all_ our readers may not understand the point of this pun, we
should explain that in the Clink liberty, represented by the Right
Hon. G'elman the Game of Skittles is a favourite amusement, and some
of the Amateurs have a particular mode of delivering the Bowl, which
amongst the cognoscenti is termed "A Bermondsey Screw.")
NEW SOUTH WALES.
Mr. Cobbett having given notice, that on Thursday next he should
bring forward his motion (postponed on a previous occasion) for
a Committee of that House being appointed, with instructions to
proceed to New South Wales, for the purpose of enquiring into the
Administration of Religion in that Colony,--
Mr. Lagg rose, apparently under great excitement, and said that
he could never consent that such a preposterous motion should be
entertained by that House even for a moment. Was the Honourable
Gentleman aware of the privations and hardships which the Members of
such a Committee would have to undergo? He thought not--for himself,
he would say, that he had been a resident in the neighbourhood
of Sidney during the greater part of Fourteen Years--(hear,
hear)--"and," said the Hon. Gentleman, with much emotion, "I will
never willingly consent to go there again, or recommend such a voyage
to any of my friends." He said he saw several Honourable Gentlemen
around him, whom he knew had been there as well as himself, and,
judging from his own feelings, he was quite assured they would bear
him out in his opposition.
Mr. Cobbett said, that under these circumstances he should ask leave
to withdraw his motion. (Leave given instanter.)
NEW POLICE.
Petitions were presented from several parishes in the outskirts,
against the system of Police introduced by a late Administration.
Several Members having risen at the same time to recommend the
attention of the House to these petitions, and all asserting, with
much vociferation, their right of priority, the Speaker was obliged
to interpose and call on Mr. Bumpus.
Mr. Bumpus said he thought there could be but one opinion on the
subject of this system, and that was, the sooner it was abolished
the better--(hear, hear,)--he said that it required no oration to
shew its baneful and unconstitutional character; he thought he could
not better exemplify its true character than in using the words of a
very intelligent and interesting youth, the son of a tailor-chandler,
who was one of the officers of the parish in which he (Mr. Bumpus)
resided. "Addressing me" (said the Honourable Gentleman) "you must
understand, Gentlemen, this youth lisps very much, these were his
very words, says he, Thir, says he, it is a miltuthy thythtem to
thupport a arbituthy Government."--(Tumultuous cheering.)
During the Hon. Gentleman's speech much mirth was excited by the
waggery of one of the members whom the Hon. Gentleman had superseded.
At every pause, the Hon. Member exclaimed, "What a shocking bad hat!"
&c., &c.
NEW WRIT.
On the motion of an Honourable Member a new writ was ordered for
the district of Golden-lane, in the room of Nicholas Briggs, Esq.,
deceased--(see our Execution Report of Thursday last). The same
Member also followed up his motion by a notice that previously to the
next Old Bailey Sessions he should move that the laws affecting life
in cases of burglary should be revised with a view to their repeal.
POST-OFFICE.--FRANKS.
Mr. Pott said he had a motion to submit to the House, to which,
from previous communication with many Honourable Gentlemen, he did
not expect any opposition. Every Honourable Member, he was assured,
had already found the advantage arising from the privilege of
franking letters, and, he was quite certain, had often experienced
considerable annoyance from the very limited number to which they
were at present restricted--(Hear, hear)--as well as the great
bore of being obliged to write the whole direction. He could not
conceive for a moment why they should be limited to sending and
receiving in the whole, the paltry number of twenty-five letters each
day--(Hear)--and that the weight of each of such letters should be
restricted to a particle under an ounce. Some of the public officers,
and, be it observed, men virtually appointed by that House, were
privileged to send letters free of postage, without limitation as to
weight or number "and yet we, who, as I said before, appointed those
officers, are trammelled!--monstrous anomaly!" He would not attempt
to conceal that in bringing forward the motion he would presently
submit to the House, he thought it probable that its adoption might
be attended with individual benefit to some of the Members, and
himself amongst the rest--he would deal candidly with the House--he
fully expected it would--(Bravo!)--and he thought it but reasonable
that men who were obliged to sacrifice their time and their health
for the good of the country ought to have some ostensible means of
repaying themselves--(Hear, hear)--besides those bye-blows which
occasionally more or less occurred: _this_, he had every reason to
believe, would prove a positive benefit; and still better--it would
not depend on contingencies.--(Cheers.)--He would not further detain
the House, but would move, "That the law or rule of the House (he did
not care which it was) which at present allowed Members of Parliament
to send a limited number of letters free of postage, should
forthwith be rescinded, and that hereafter they should have the
privilege of sending as many as they may choose, without restriction
as to weight or number; and further, that it shall be sufficient
that members thus privileged should only be required to affix their
signatures to the address,"--(Much cheering.)
Mr. Bowditch said he should certainly oppose the motion, even though
he should stand alone. He, as principal officer of the Post-office,
had devoted the greater part of a long life in endeavouring to
perfect the details of the business of that establishment, and at the
same time to increase its productiveness, and he viewed with dismay
the attempt now about to be made to render his exertions a nullity;
independent of the loss which the revenue would sustain, the mail
coaches were even now almost insufficient to convey the bags, and
the increased weight and bulk which the measure now proposed would
give, would render the thing perfectly impracticable. He said he
would not venture to characterize the system at present practised
by many of the Members of that House in this particular, but when
he saw the immediate and eager use which certain newly-elected,
reforming, patriotic Members, made of this privilege for filthy
lucre--(groans)--he was filled with disgust.--(Great uproar.)
The Honourable Gentleman proceeded with much earnestness for a
considerable time, but the noise and confusion was such, that we
could only here and there catch a solitary word--we understood
him, however, to make some allusion to "pattern cards," "samples
of grocery," &c. but could not catch the context. Order being at
length restored, the Honourable Gentleman concluded by moving, as
an amendment, "That in future, Members of Parliament should only be
allowed to send five letters, and receive the same number each day,
free of postage, and that the weight of each of such letters should
not exceed half an ounce."--(Yells of disapprobation.)
Mr. Van said that the objection of the Honourable Secretary of
the Post-office was perfectly ridiculous, as regarded the probable
insufficiency of the mail coaches; he would ask, Would it not be an
easy matter to alter the system of coaches, and in their place adopt
that of steam conveyance? The number of railways with which the whole
country was now about to be intersected would render such alteration
a matter of the greatest ease, and one steam carriage would be able
to perform the work of a dozen mail coaches. (Hear, hear, hear.)
The Chancellor of the Exchequer was quite taken by surprise, and
said, that although he could not sanction the proposed measure, he
clearly saw that in the present temper of the House, opposition would
be fruitless; he could, however, have wished the hon. gentleman had
communicated his intentions to him before bringing his motion before
the House--the very lucrative situation of Receiver-General of the
Post-office Revenue had within these few days become vacant, and he
thought that had he been consulted, he could have placed this subject
in so feeling a point of view to the hon. gentleman, as might have
caused the present motion to have been withheld.
Mr. Pott rose immediately, and said he thought it very probable that
he had taken an erroneous view of the subject, and, with the leave
of the House, would withdraw his motion. (Cries of "No, no! divide,
divide!") The gallery was then cleared, and on a division the numbers
appeared--
For the amendment, 3; against it, 296--
minority, 293.
For the original motion, 296; against it, 3--
majority, 293.
This announcement was received with loud cheers, and evidently to the
great discomposure of the hon. mover.
On our re-admission, symptoms of a desire to adjourn having
manifested themselves,
Mr. Spriggins rose and said that, although there was an evident
inclination to toddle, he could not allow the House to mizzle without
putting in his spoke. He would stick to the present Ministry like
bricks and mortar. The Chancellor of the Exchequer had proved himself
a reg'lar out-and-outer; he and his colleagues had shown they were
down as a hammer, and he had no doubt, in a short time, everything
would be right as a trivet.
The House rose at an early hour, it being understood that one of the
members had some heavy bets depending on a match of bumble-puppy, in
which he had backed his apprentice, and which came off that afternoon
in the neighbourhood of Bethnal Green.
CLUBS.[58]
There have recently been published several very edifying works upon
"Etiquette," and the mode of behaving well in company. As no book
touching the conduct of Club society has yet appeared, and this is
the season of the year at which those admirable institutions are
making weekly acquisitions in the shape of new members, we have
thought it might be neither superfluous nor disagreeable to give the
recently admitted candidates a few leading rules for their behaviour,
in the way of directions--Thus,
In the first place, find fault with everything, and bully the
waiters. What do you pay your subscriptions for, but to secure that
privilege? Abuse the Committee for mismanagement, until you get into
it yourself--then abuse everybody else.
Never shut the door of any room into which you may go, or out of
which you may come.
When the evening papers arrive, pounce upon three; keep one in your
hand reading, another under your arm, ready to relieve that; and sit
down upon a third. By this means you possess yourself of the opinions
of all parties, without being influenced by any one.
If you wish to dine early and cheap, order some cold meat just before
three o'clock--it will then be charged as luncheon; bread, pickles,
&c., gratis. Drink table-beer, because, as the Scotch gentleman said
of something very different, "It is vary pleasant, and costs nothing."
If you dine on the joint, get it first, and cut all the best parts
off, and help yourself to twice as much as you want, for fear you
should never see it again.
If you are inclined to read the newspaper when you have finished
your meat, make use of the cheese as a reading-desk; it is very
convenient, and, moreover, makes the paper smell of the cheese, and
the cheese taste of the paper.
If you come in, and see a man whom you know dining quietly by
himself, or two men dining sociably together, draw your chair to
their table and volunteer to join them. This they cannot well refuse,
although they may wish you at Old Scratch. Then call for the bill
of fare and order your dinner, which, as the others had half done
before your arrival, will not be served till they have quite finished
theirs. This will enable them to enjoy the gratification of seeing
you proceed through the whole of your meal, from soup to cheese
inclusive, while they are eating their fruit and sipping their wine.
If you drink tea, call for a "cup" of tea; when the waiter has
brought it, abuse him for its being too strong, and desire him to
fetch an empty cup and a small jug of boiling water; then divide the
tea into the two cups and fill up both with the water. By this method
you get two cups of tea for the price of one. N.B.--The milk and
sugar not charged for.
If you are a literary man, always write your books at the club--pen,
ink, and paper, gratis; a circumstance which of itself is likely to
make your productions profitable.
When there is a ballot, blackball everybody you do not happen to
know. If a candidate is not one of your own personal acquaintance, he
cannot be fit to come there.
If you are interested about a friend, post yourself directly in front
of his balloting box, and pester everybody, whether you know them or
not, to give him a vote; this, if pertinaciously adhered to, will
invariably settle his fate, one way or the other.
Always walk about the coffee-room with your hat on, to show your
own independence, and your respect for the numerous noblemen and
gentlemen who are sitting at dinner without theirs.
When you are alone in any of the rooms where writing materials are
deposited, help yourself to covers, note-paper, sealing-wax, and
black-lead pencils at discretion; they are as much yours as any other
member's, and as you contribute to pay for them, what difference can
it make whether you use them at the club or at home?
When you go away, if it is a wet night, and you are without a cloak
or great-coat, take the first that fits you; you can send it back
in the morning when it is fine: remember you do. This rule applies
equally to umbrellas.
Never pay your subscription till the very last day fixed by the
regulations; why should the trustees get the interest of your money
for two or three months? Besides, when strangers come in to see the
house, they will find your name over the fire-place, which will show
that you belong to the Club.
An observance of these general rules, with a little attention to a
few minor points, which it is scarcely possible to allude to more
particularly here, will render you a most agreeable member of the
Society to which you belong, and which it will be right to denounce
everywhere else as the most execrable hole in London, in which
you can get nothing fit either to eat or drink, but in which you,
yourself, nevertheless, breakfast, dine, and sup every day, when you
are not otherwise engaged.
RACHAEL STUBBS'S LETTER TO RICHARD TURNER
Sadrgov, April 3, 18--.
DEER RICHUD,--I receved yewer kind leather on Fryday, wich fond me in
good helth, but not spirts,--for sins yew went a whay i have encresed
my sise hand teers. Yew was kindust off the kind, and i cud have
wukked has kitching-mad frum marwn to nite if yew had note gon; but
sins yew want away iviry think sims to go rong. Muster Fishir, wich
is, ginrilly speking, has gemmunly a Cock as is, scalds me iviry day
for nott beasting the jints; hand Missus Stoak says I pays no manor
of respict to her for nott gitting their diners better dun, wich I
bleve, Richud, his owen to yewer habsence. If I thote all wot yew
sed was sinsear hand yew ment it, i wud give wharning hand go hat
my munt; but praps, deer Richud, yew whas only roging me, wich wud
be onkind and crule. Tommus Wite is halways laffing hat me about
yew, hand says I ham a grate fowl hif I wait for yew, for yew ment
nuthink, and says it is eye tim i was marred, wich he wood willinly
do imself; but I says, no, Tommus, i likes yew well enuff, but as
long has Richud Turner sticks to is bargin, i ham is, hand is aloan.
Wat i rites now for, his to hask yew wat yew wood lick me two do.
My muther, i know, cud meerly furnish a rome for hus, and pot in a
Tabbel and chares and a chest of drarers, hand a Bedd, wich is the
most hessensheal hof hall; hand wood be quite haggreable to the mach;
hand hif we cood bitter hourselfs buy aving a frunt where we cood
sell Hoysters hand srimps, hand red Earrings, and sich lick, hin
winter; hand Soddy wattur, hand Pop, hand them kind of harticles,
hin summer; i might tunn a peny wile yew wos hin playse, hif yew
Kontinewd hin survice, hand hif not, do togither in bisness; wich
wud save me from brileing my fayse hin the rosting hand beasting,
wich i most do till I leave, or get a cocks playse in a smal
famly. I know that Martha, the fot kitching-mad hat Sur Kristuffer
Kaddingtuns, kept cumpny halong with won of the futmun; hand she was
marred, hand they sot up a Tomhandjery shop, hand is reelizing a
furtun; but i shud object to a Tomhandjery shop because of the low
confersation wich gose hon hin sich playses, has well has the smel of
the Pips, wych makes me sike.
[Illustration: HOOK'S PLAY WITH MULREADY'S ENVELOPE.
The envelope is addressed by Hook to his good friend Mr. Broderip,
the magistrate. The reader will observe the liberties taken with the
artist's design upon comparing it with a similar envelope in another
part of this work.]
Deer Richud, i ham wiling to do hany thing for yew, hand wuk day and
night upon my ands hand neese to make yew comfurtable, hand i think
we cud be very appy, but do not make a fowl hof me now, hand i will
truss yew half my life; hand my Muther his a woman well to doo, hand
wen it pleses Purvidence to tack her up hout of this wuld will leve
us sumthing for a raney day, which wud be a grate cumfut to me, appen
wen it may.
i pot this hin a buskett, hand have sent yew three fools and a small
Sammon cott this mawning, for yewer Sister Lizy, wich altho i never
seed hur i ham very fond hof from yewer subscription on her,--hif she
will haxcept the triffles i shal be plesed, hand my love; hand wen
yew are a heating the fools, do nott forget her wich sent them.
Hif yew lick, yew can call on muther, wich is the darey at the korner
of Jon street, and tawk maters over with hur. i am tird hof life down
here without yew. i hope yew will get this safe. I have got Tommus
Wite to rite the redress, not honely because he rites a good and, but
to show im thatt we hare frends.
do let me here from yew; and with true love and french-ship, in wich
yewer sister his inklewded, beleve me, deer Richud,
Yewers internally,
RACHAEL STUBBS.
i ave pade the Courage hand Bucking.
(_Births, Deaths, and Marriages, 1839._)
MR. MINUS, THE POET.[59]
The poetry of Mr. Minus could be compared to nothing but the dropping
of honey upon rose leaves, or the fluttering of moths round the smoke
of cinnamon;--it was so flippant, so sweet, and so trifling. He had a
round of set rhymes and ideas, which, like the man who walked out in
the morning in a dress of crimson and gold, because he had no other,
he perpetually was using; such as
"Coral lips and rolling eyes,
Roguish leers and heaving sighs,
Lily bosoms, seeking kisses,
Silent sighs for secret blisses;"
which species of versification having displayed _al fresco_ after
dinner in lines "To a Mole upon Fanny's left knee;" "A sonnet to half
a jasamine flower;" "An ode to the wing of a butterfly," and "An
Epithalamium on the marriage of two humming birds," (all of which
were written, sung, composed, and recited by himself) he obligingly
sat down to the piano-forte on their return, and gave the following
air with infinite effect:
FANNY'S BOWER.[60]
"Come, Fanny, I've raised a sweet bower,
With roses and lilies entwin'd;
Before it grows every flower,
A bedroom I've built you behind.
"Our couch is a cluster of roses,
And while we lay lost in the sweet,
The leaves will so tickle our noses,
The thorns shall lie under our feet.
"The sheets, both the lower and upper,
Are made from a pair of bees' wings,
Whose honey I've stole for your supper,
And carved with their sharp-cutting stings.
"To save us the trouble of thinking,
In dew-drops I'll pledge you, my best,
And when I am tired of drinking,
I'll sink on your bosom to rest.
"I'll study your taste to a tittle,
In torrents our pleasures shall pour,
For the girl once indulged with a _little_,
Will very soon languish for _more_!"
This Mr. Minus considered a _chef-d'œuvre_, and if he was mistaken
there was such a softness, a condescension and pleasantry in his
manners, as would have excused a more serious error; as a companion,
he was delightful; as a man, honourable; and as a poet, fashionable.
NATIONAL DISTRESS.
In a late number[61] we somewhat unfeelingly (it is hinted by a
correspondent) doubted, and even sneered at, the universal topic, the
national distress, with which we are, it seems, overwhelmed; and when
any suggestions of our friends (backed by truth and reason) can be
attended to, we are always delighted to avail ourselves of them, and
recant our errors.
We have reconsidered the subject, and, during the last fortnight,
have visited the most diversified scenes of life, and we feel bound
to retract the "flippant doubts" (those are our communicant's words),
which we expressed as to the existence of general calamity, and are
ready to confess that we had no idea of its extent, particularly in
and about the metropolis.
The first object which tended to convert us from our original
prejudiced opinion on the subject, was the sight of that most
melancholy assemblage of people called "Epsom Races." Upwards of
fifty thousand of the most unhappy of our fellow-countrymen, victims
of tyranny and taxation, no longer ago than the week before last,
dragged their wretched limbs to this sad and deplorable spectacle;
and the vast sums of money taken from some of them, and the immense
quantity of provisions and liquor which the poorer part of the slaves
were compelled to devour, were unparalleled, we believe, on any
former similar occasion.
It made our hearts bleed to behold our excellent and free-born
tailor driving, with great labour and danger, a tandem, with two
blood-horses; and we nearly wept when we found that our bootmaker and
his unhappy family could only afford a barouche and four, hired for
the day.
But we had, also, an eye to the agricultural part of the question;
and we were struck with horror and amazement at the pale, emaciated,
and threadbare appearance of the broken-down farmers of Surrey,
Berks, and Bucks, who crawled out to the mournful scene upon their
starving ponies, for which some, in their despair for money, were
wild enough to ask seventy, eighty, and a hundred guineas each.
At the inns on the road, the expenses the tax-ridden slaves incurred
were abominable. A hatter in Bond Street was charged seventeen
shillings a bottle for champagne; and a wretched party of landholders
in the neighbourhood of Leatherhead, who have threatened to abandon
their farms, were driven by their grief to drink two dozen and four
bottles of that shameful imposition upon British credulity called
Chateau Margaux.