but also with mechanical and scientific discoveries--he sneers at
steam and growls at gas. I contend that the utility of constructing
a coach which shall go by hot water nearly as fast as two horses can
draw it, at a trifling additional expense, promises to be wonderfully
useful. We go too fast, sir, with horses--besides, horses eat oats,
and farmers live by selling oats; if, therefore, by inconveniencing
ourselves and occasionally risking our lives, we can, however
imperfectly, accomplish by steam what is now done by horses, we get
rid of the whole race of oat-sowers, oat-sellers, oat-eaters, and
oat-stealers, vulgarly called ostlers.
Gas too--what a splendid invention--we gain a magnificent
light, and ruin the oil-merchants, the whale-fisheries, and the
wax-chandlers--it is as economical as it is brilliant;--to be sure we
use more coals, but the coal-merchants are all worthy men, and never
take advantage of a frost to advance the price of their commodity;
coals are evidently, however, not so essentially necessary to the
poor as wax candles; therefore, even supposing the price of coals
to be raised, and their value enhanced, we light our streets more
splendidly, and our houses more economically.
Mr. Brown seems to dislike the over-brilliancy of the gas in the
public ways, as tending to destroy the legitimate distinction between
day and night. I admit this innovation--but let me beg to say, that
until gas was brought to the perfection it now is, for external
illumination, we never could see the unhappy women who are driven to
walk the streets at night, so plainly following their avocations,
or ever were indulged with the pleasing prospect of our watchmen
slumbering in their wooden sanctums, at the corners of the streets.
Mr. Brown appears to dislike Mr. Mac Adam's improvements; these I
defend upon several principles; one which I conceive to be extremely
important, is, the constant employment they afford to the sweepers
of crossings, without whose active exertions no man could ever pass
from one side of the street to the other; and another which I firmly
believe to be conducive to the improvement of the mind--I mean the
activity with which the eye, and the ear, and the understanding must
be constantly kept, in order that the individual walking may escape
being run over; superadded to which, there is the admirable manure
which the sweepings provide for the land.
In short, most of the objects of Mr. Brown's vituperation are objects
of my respect, and I take the liberty of writing this, in order
that he may, if he chooses, enter into a public disputation upon
the several points at issue; for which purpose, if he will direct
a letter to me under cover to you, I will appoint a time and place
where the merits and demerits of the present age may be temperately,
calmly, and dispassionately discussed between us.
I am, Sir,
Your obedient servant,
RICHARD WHITE.
PUNNING.
It would be vain, at this time of the world's age, to enter upon a
serious disquisition into the "art or mystery" of punning: it would
be useless to argue upon its utility, the genius and talent required
for carrying it on, or the pleasure or amusement derivable from it.
The fact is self-evident, that puns are an acknowledged ingredient of
the English language amongst the middling classes, and are, in their
societies, the very plums in the pudding of conversation.
It may be said that punning is a vice, and we are quite ready to
admit the charge; but still it exists and flourishes amongst dapper
clerks in public offices, hangers-on of the theatres; amongst very
young persons at the universities; in military messes amongst the
subalterns; in the City amongst apprentices; and, in some instances,
with old wits _razee_, who are driven to extravagant quibbles to
furnish their quota of entertainment to the society in which they are
endured.
A punster (that is, a regular hard-going thick and thin punster) is
the dullest and stupidest companion alive, if he could but be made to
think so. He sits gaping for an opportunity to jingle his nonsense
with whatever happens to be going on, and, catching at some detached
bit of a rational conversation, perverts its sense to his favourite
sound, so that, instead of anything like a continuous intellectual
intercourse, which one might hope to enjoy in pleasant society, one
is perpetually interrupted by his absurd distortions and unseasonable
ribaldry, as ill-timed and as ill-placed as songs in an opera sung by
persons in the depth of despair, or on the point of death.
Admitting, however, the viciousness, the felonious sinfulness of
punning, it is to be apprehended that the liberty of the pun is like
the liberty of the press, which, says the patriot, is like the air,
and if we have it not we cannot breathe. Therefore, seeing that it
is quite impossible to put down punning, the next best thing we
can do is to regulate it, in the way they regulate peccadilloes in
Paris, and teach men to commit punnery as Cæsar died and Frenchmen
dissipate--with decency.
The proverb says, "wits jump," so may punsters, and two bright
geniuses may hit upon the same idea at different periods quite
unconsciously. To avoid any unnecessary repetition or apparent
plagiarisms, therefore, by these coincidences, we venture to address
this paper to young beginners in the craft, to the rising generation
of witlings; and we are led to do this more particularly, from
feeling that the tyro in punning, as well as in everything else,
firmly believes that which he for the first time has heard or read,
to be as novel and entertaining to his older friends, who have heard
it or read it before he was born, as to himself, who never met with
it till the day upon which he so liberally and joyously retails it to
the first hearers he can fall in with.
For these reasons we propose, in order to save time and trouble, to
enumerate a few puns which, for the better regulation of jesting,
are positively prohibited in all decent societies where punnery is
practised; and first, since the great (indeed the only) merit of
a pun is its undoubted originality, its unequivocal novelty, its
extemporaneous construction and instantaneous explosion, all puns by
recurrence, all puns by repetition, and all puns by anticipation, are
prohibited.
Secondly, all words spelt differently, having a similar sound, which
are carefully collated and arranged in a catalogue prefixed, for the
use of little punnikins at schools, to Entick's small dictionary, of
whatever sort, kind, or nature they may be, are prohibited. Take for
example:
AUGUR a soothsayer.
AUGER a carpenter's tool.
ALL every one.
AWL a shoemaker's gimblet.
HAUL (for the Cockneys) to pull.
HALL a vulgar proper name.
BOAR a male pig.
BORE Mr. Creevy.
WAX the produce of Bees.
WHACKS thumps on the head or body
and so on.
In the next place, all the following travelling puns are strictly
prohibited:--
All allusions upon entering a town to the _pound_ and the
_stocks_--knowing a man by his gait and not liking his
_style_--calling a tall turnpike-keeper a colossus of _roads_--paying
the post-boys charges of _ways_ and means--seeing no _sign_ of an
_inn_--or, replying, "Sir, you are out," to your friend who says
he does--talking of a hedger having a _stake_ in the _bank_--all
allusions to _sun_ and _air_ to a new-married couple--all stuff about
village _belles_--calling the belfry _a court of a peal_--saying,
upon two carpenters putting up paling, that they are very peaceable
men to be _fencing in_ a field--all trash about "_manors_ make the
man," in the shooting season--and all such stuff about trees, after
this fashion--"that's a _pop'lar_ tree--I'll turn over a new _leaf_,
and make my _bough_," etc. etc.
Puns upon field sports, such as racing being a matter of
_course_--horses _starting_ without being shy--a good shot being fond
of his _but_ and his _barrel_--or saying that a man fishing deserves
a _rod_ for taking such a _line_; if he is sitting under a _bridge_
calling him an _arch_ fellow--or supposing him a nobleman because he
takes his place among the _piers_--or that he will _catch_ nothing
but cold, and no fish by _hook_ or by crook. All these are prohibited.
To talk of yellow pickles at dinner, and say the way to _Turn 'em
Green_ is through Hammersmith--all allusions to eating men, for
_Eton_ men, or _Staines_ on the table-cloth--or _Egg-ham_, are all
exploded--as are all stuff about _Maids_ and _Thornbacks_, and
_Plaice_--or saying to a lady who asks you to help her to the wing
of a chicken, that it is a mere matter of _a pinion_--all quibbles
about dressing _hare_ and cutting it--all stuff about a merry fellow
being given to _wine_--or upon helping yourself to say you have a
_platonic_ affection for roast beef--or when fried fish runs short,
singing to the mistress of the house, with Tom Moore,--
"Your sole, though a very sweet sole, love,
Will ne'er be sufficient for me,"
are entirely banished.
At the play-house never talk of being a _Pittite_ because you happen
not to be in the boxes--never observe what a _Kean_ eye one actor
has, or that another can never grow old because he must always be
_Young_--never talk of the uncertainty of _Mundane_ affairs in a
farce, or observe how _Terrybly_ well a man plays Mr. Simpson--banish
from your mind the possibility of saying the Covent Garden manager
has put his best _Foot_ forward, or that you should like to go to
_Chester_ for a day or two--or that you would give the world to
be tied to a _Tree_--or that Mr. _Make ready_ is a presentable
actor--all such stuff is interdicted.
In speaking of Parliament, forget Broom and Birch, Wood and Cole,
Scarlett and White, Lamb and the Leakes, the Hares and the Herons,
the Cootes and the Cruins--such jumbles will lead into great
difficulties, and invariably end, without infinite caution, in an
observation, that the conduct of that House is always regulated by
the best possible _Manners_.
There are some temptations very difficult to avoid--for instance,
last Saturday we saw gazetted, as a bankrupt, "Sir John Lade,
Cornhill, watchmaker!" Now this, we confess, was a provocation hard
of resistance--when one sees a _lad_ of sixty-four _set up_ only to
_break down_, and perceives that whatever he may do with _watches_,
he could not make a _case_ before the Insolvent Debtors' Court; and
moreover, since his taking to watchmaking arose from his having, in
the _spring_ of life, gone upon _tick_, and that the circumstance
may be considered as a _striking_ instance of a _bad wind-up_--we
admit that in the hands of a young beginner such a thing is quite
irresistible, but such temptations should be avoided as much as
possible.
We have not room to set down all the prohibited puns extant; but we
have just shown that the things which one hears, when one dines in
the City (where men eat peas with a two-pronged fork, and bet hats
with each other), as novelties, and the perfection of good fun, are
all flat, stale, and unprofitable to those who have lived a little
longer and seen a little more of the world, and have heard puns when
it was the fashion to commit them at the west end of the town.
These hints are thrown out for the particular use of some sprightly
persons, with whose facetiousness we have been of late extremely
pestered--we apologise to our rational readers for the insertion of
such stuff, even by way of surfeit to our quibbling patients.
CAUTIONARY VERSES TO YOUTH OF BOTH SEXES.[56]
My readers may know that to all the editions of Entick's Dictionary,
commonly used in schools, there is prefixed "A table of words that
are alike, or nearly alike, in sound, but different in spelling
and signification." It must be evident that this table is neither
more nor less than an early provocation to punning; the whole
mystery of which vain art consists in the use of words, the sound
and sense of which are at variance. In order, if possible, to check
any disposition to punning in youth, which may be fostered by this
manual, I have thrown together the following adaptation of Entick's
hints to young beginners, hoping thereby to afford a warning, and
exhibit a deformity to be avoided, rather than an example to be
followed; and at the same time showing the caution children should
observe in using words which have more than one meaning.
"My little dears, who learn to read, pray early learn to shun
That very silly thing indeed which people call a pun:
Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found how simple an offence
It is, to make the self-same sound afford a double sense.
"For instance, _ale_ may make you _ail_, your _aunt_ an _ant_ may
kill,
You in a _vale_ may buy a _veil_, and _Bill_ may pay the _bill_.
Or if to France your _bark_ you steer, at Dover, it may be,
A _peer appears_ upon the _pier_, who, blind, still goes to _sea_.
"Thus one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our
greeting,
'Tis _meet_ that men who _meet_ to eat should eat their _meat_ when
meeting.
Brawn on the board's no _bore_ indeed, although from _boar_ prepared;
Nor can the _fowl_, on which we feed, _foul_ feeding be declared.
"Thus _one_ ripe fruit may be a _pear_, and yet be _pared_ again,
And still be _one_, which seemeth rare until we do explain.
It therefore should be all your aim to speak with ample care:
For who, however fond of game, would choose to swallow _hair_?
"A fat man's _gait_ may make us smile, who has no _gate_ to close:
The farmer sitting on his _style_ no _stylish_ person knows:
Perfumers men of _scents_ must be; some _Scilly_ men are bright;
A _brown_ man oft deep _read_ we see, a _black_ a wicked _wight_.
"Most wealthy men good _manors_ have, however vulgar they;
And actors still the harder slave, the oftener they _play_:
So poets can't the _baize_ obtain, unless their tailors choose;
While grooms and coachmen, not in vain, each evening seek the
_Mews_.
"The _dyer_ who by _dying_ lives, a _dire_ life maintains;
The glazier, it is known, receives--his profits from his _panes_:
By gardeners _thyme_ is _tied_, 'tis true, when spring is in its
prime;
But _time_ or _tide_ won't wait for you, if you are _tied_ for
_time_.
"Then now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun;
A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun.
The fault admits of no defence; for wheresoe'er 'tis found,
You sacrifice the _sound_ for _sense_: the sense is never _sound_.
"So let your words and actions too, one single meaning prove,
And, just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love:
In mirth and play no harm you'll know, when duty's task is done;
But parents ne'er should let ye go un_pun_ish'd for a _pun_!"
FASHIONABLE PARTIES.[57]
The season of festivities is arrived--the balmy breath of Spring has
called the dormant vegetation into life--the flowers are bursting
from their buds, the blossoms hang on every tree--the birds sing
melodiously, and the sun shines brightly over the fresh foliage; in
consequence of the completion of which arrangements, everybody is
coming to London, in order to take the dust in the Parks, or pace the
burning pavement in the streets. Such is the order of things, and
shady groves and cooling grots are abandoned for drawing rooms at
ninety-six, and half-a-score sickly orange-trees tubbed on the top of
a staircase.
Thursday last was a fruitful day in the annals of our town. Lord
Dudley had a grand dinner--so had the Bishop of London--so had Lady
Sykes--so had Mrs. Bethel, and so had half a score of the leaders of
Ton. The Society for the Relief of Foreigners in Distress (to which
his Royal Highness Don Miguel borrowed fifty pounds of Lord Dudley to
subscribe) had their anniversary feast at the City of London Tavern;
and the Chimney Sweepers of the metropolis held theirs--contrast is
every thing--at the White Conduit House!
This last was amongst the most elegant affairs of the season--every
thing which could possibly have reference to the profession was
interdicted; black puddings and black strap were banished; and when
the amiable and excellent Mr. Duck, after doing what few Ducks
can do (we mean stuffing himself with sage and onions), called
attention to Non nobis Domine--sung, the newspapers say, "by some
professional vocalists"--the grace was received by the fraternity
with _sootable_ attention; that they did not exactly understand it,
Mr. Duck said was a misfortune, not a fault; but as he could almost
see from the windows the chimneys--(loud cries of Order interrupted
the speaker)--the roof, he meant, of that noble pile, the London
University, he did hope that before many years had gone over their
heads, he should find the younger branches of the profession to which
he had the honour to belong, bringing the dead languages to life, and
conversing _flue_-ntly--(Order, order!)--he meant easily, in Latin
and Greek."
"The immortal memory of Marshal Saxe and Sir Cloudesly Shovel," were
then given by Mr. Figgins, and were shortly followed by the health of
Mr. Brougham, who was expected to have favoured the party with his
presence, but he was unable to get away from the House of Commons.
Mr. Duck felt it necessary to rise, in order to endeavour to do away
with an impression which had got abroad, that the gentlemen of the
profession disliked the introduction of machines to supersede the
necessity of climbing-boys--he repelled the insinuation, although,
added the Honourable Gentleman, "if machines had been invented in
my time, I, perhaps, should not have had the honour of being here,
for I began at the bottom of the chimney and climbed my way to
the very top"--(loud cheers). "I dare say, gentlemen," said Mr.
Duck, "you have heard the story of the humane man who proposed to
supersede the necessity of climbing-boys by letting a goose down the
chimney by a string, which would, by the fluttering of its wings,
effectually clean the whole flue--the lady to whom he proposed this
plan replied that she thought it would be very cruel treatment of the
goose. 'Lord love your eyes, Ma'am,' said the professor, 'if so be
as you are particular about the goose, a couple of ducks will do as
well!'--and, gentlemen, I never hear that professional anecdote but
I think of myself when I was but a duckling, as I may say, and the
laudable ambition into which I climbed and climbed, and rose, as I
may say, like a phonix out of the hashes, until I reached my grand
climacteric."
Mr. Duck sat down amidst shouts of applause.
In the Old Times of yesterday we find the following report of some
part of the entertainment, which we were unfortunate enough to
miss--we take the liberty of borrowing it:
"Mr. Watson said that he was present, a few evenings since,
at a Lecture delivered by Dr. Birkbeck, on the utility of the
machine to supersede the necessity of the climbing-boy. The
Doctor, he admitted, argued candidly and fairly on the subject,
and produced an improvement in Glass's machine, which was
unquestionably the best invention of the kind; yet, with all
its perfections, he (Mr. Watson) was convinced that it would
never answer the expectations of those who entertained such a
favourable opinion of its efficacy in cleansing chimnies. In
the course of the lecture the Doctor said that the machine must
succeed in all cases where it is used, if the prejudices of the
master chimney-sweepers did not interfere with the trial. It was
true that the machine so eloquently eulogized by the Doctor would
answer in cleansing perpendicular chimnies, but where there were
impediments from various causes, no machine, however pliable,
would overcome them.
"Several master chimney-sweepers addressed the chair in the
course of the afternoon. One of them commenced 'I'm blowed,
but if we had Dr. Bucbuck, or whatever you may call him, here
at our dinner, I think we should soon make a conwert of him to
our opinions. Gemmen, I say it is impossible that ere chimney
(pointing to the chimney in the room) can be swept unless one
of us goes up it; and I'll give you a proof of it now.' The
speaker here began to doff his long coat, and would have run up
the chimney in earnest, had he not been prevented by some of his
brother tradesmen, who caught hold of him by the legs just as his
body was about disappearing from the company. When he alighted
on the floor, he said that he did not mind a fig getting a sooty
shirt, so that he succeeded in showing the strangers present,
how little danger was to be apprehended in doing the work as it
should be done, and that was by encouraging climbing-boys. He had
ascended upwards of 5,000 chimnies in his life, of all sorts and
sizes, and never yet met with an accident."
"Archdeacon Pott and the Clargy of Middlesex," were then given.
Mr. Duck then rose and said, "Gentlemen--we all of us have known
what it is to climb; and as my honourable friend on the left says--I
may say I have been up five thousand chimnies, long and short,
and never failed in doing my duty to my employers--but what was it
repaid me for my toil--what was it that cheered me in my labour--the
sixpence as I got when I kimm'd down?--or the bread and cheese
the kitchen-maid would give me afore I went out?--No, sir; it was
not that--no--neither the one nor the other;--it was the smile of
ooman--lovely ooman, which rules us all;--in her favour there is
indeed a sweeping-clause; and I have the pleasure to tell you, that
there is a splendid assembly of the dear creechurs a waiting in the
next room, ready to trip it on their fantastic toeses--so, if you
please, gemmen, we'll wind up the arternoon, by drinking--'Success to
the brush and shovel all over the world'--and then join the fair."
To this proposal no possible objection could be made; and the doors
being thrown open, a most splendid collection of the dear creechurs
appeared ready for the quadrilles, which commenced about five. The
principal dancers were--
MR. WILLIAM DUCK, MISS GRIGSON,
MR. WATSON, MISS HAWKINS,
MR. ROBERT TOTTIE, MRS. TOM DUCKS,
MR. WILKINSON. MISS ANNE SMITH.
The refreshments were of the first quality, and the whole day passed
off with the greatest hilarity.
A DAY'S PROCEEDINGS OF A REFORMED PARLIAMENT.
IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT,
Anno ----.
HOUSE OF COMMONS, THURSDAY, FEB. 28.
Several new Members took the oaths and their seats; amongst them we
observed the Hon. Member for the District of Field Lane and Saffron
Hill, whose entrance was greeted with huzzas, clapping of hands, and
other demonstrations of joy.
PRAYERS.
Mr. Snob rose and said as how he thought it were a great waste of
time to okipy the Ouse with a lot of praying--he thought that it
would be quite as well and ample sufficient that every member, on
entering the Ouse, should poke his face in his at and mutter a short
jackerlation, sich as was done in his parish church.--(Hear.)--He
never did no more when he was a churchwarden--(hear, hear)--and he
always found that it answered the purpose; and he gave notice that,
on Monday next, he intended to move that the present practice be done
away with--(cheers).
Mr. Ketch said he would sartinly second the motion whenever it came
before the Ouse.
WAYS AND MEANS.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer intimated that on the 22nd of
next month he should be prepared to submit his plan of Ways and
Means for the year. He could not then, with propriety, enter
into details--he would merely state that it was in contemplation
to repeal most of the existing taxes (cheers from all sides),
and this object would be easily attained by suspending for the
present the payment of the interest on the funded debt--(immense
cheering)--by the sale of several supernumerary ships of war,
and the materials of some of the dockyards.--(Hear, hear.)--He
anticipated also a considerable sum from the disposal of superfluous
military equipments, cannon, &c., which it would be the height of
folly to retain in these "piping times of peace;" it would follow
of course that very extensive reductions would take place in the
military establishments--(cheers)--_all_ pensions will forthwith be
abolished--(Long-continued cheering).--He laid particular stress
upon the word _all_, in order that there might be "no mistake"--(a
laugh)--and, although there might be an apparent hardship in some
few cases, yet his Majesty's ministers had wisely resolved not to
incur censure from any person or party by using even the semblance of
partiality.--(Cheering, which lasted several minutes.)
A Member, whose name we could not learn, rose, and in the exuberance
of his joy exclaimed, "Blow my wig if ever I heard such a speech in
all my life."--("Order! Order!")
The Speaker begged to remind the Hon. Gentleman that such expressions
were not _strictly_ in accordance with the dignity of the House.