PARIS, December 22, 1894.
DEAR MR. ROGERS,--I seemed to be entirely expecting your letter, and
also prepared and resigned; but Lord, it shows how little we know
ourselves and how easily we can deceive ourselves. It hit me like a
thunder-clap. It knocked every rag of sense out of my head, and I
went flying here and there and yonder, not knowing what I was doing,
and only one clearly defined thought standing up visible and
substantial out of the crazy storm-drift--that my dream of ten years
was in desperate peril and out of the 60,000 or 70,000 projects for
its rescue that came flocking through my skull not one would hold
still long enough for me to examine it and size it up. Have you
ever been like that? Not so much, I reckon.
There was another clearly defined idea--I must be there and see it
die. That is, if it must die; and maybe if I were there we might
hatch up some next-to-impossible way to make it take up its bed and
take a walk.
So, at the end of four hours I started, still whirling, and walked
over to the rue Scribe--4 p.m.--and asked a question or two and was
told I should be running a big risk if I took the 9 p.m. train for
London and Southampton; “better come right along at 6.52 per Havre
special and step aboard the New York all easy and comfortable.”
Very! and I about two miles from home and no packing done.
Then it occurred to me that none of these salvation notions that
were whirlwinding through my head could be examined or made
available unless at least a month's time could be secured. So I
cabled you, and said to myself that I would take the French steamer
to-morrow (which will be Sunday).
By bedtime Mrs. Clemens had reasoned me into a fairly rational and
contented state of mind; but of course it didn't last long. So I
went on thinking--mixing it with a smoke in the dressing-room once
an hour--until dawn this morning. Result--a sane resolution; no
matter what your answer to my cable might be I would hold still and
not sail until I should get an answer to this present letter which I
am now writing or a cable answer from you saying “Come” or “Remain.”
I have slept 6 hours, my pond has clarified, and I find the sediment
of my 70,000 projects to be of this character:
He follows with a detailed plan for reconstructing the machine, using
brass type, etc., and concludes:
Don't say I'm wild. For really I'm sane again this morning.
I am going right along with Joan now, and wait untroubled till I
hear from you. If you think I can be of the least use cable me
“Come.” I can write Joan on board ship and lose no time. Also I
could discuss my plan with the publisher for a de luxe Joan, time
being an object, for some of the pictures could be made over here,
cheaply and quickly, that would cost much more time and money in
America.
The second letter followed five days later:
169 rue de l'Universite,
PARIS, December 27, 1894.
DEAR MR. ROGERS,--Notwithstanding your heart is “old and hard” you
make a body choke up. I know you “mean every word you say” and I do
take it “in the same spirit in which you tender it.” I shall keep
your regard while we two live--that I know; for I shall always
remember what you have done for me, and that will insure me against
ever doing anything that could forfeit it or impair it.
It is six days or seven days ago that I lived through that
despairing day, and then through a night without sleep; then settled
down next day into my right mind (or thereabouts) and wrote you. I
put in the rest of that day till 7 P.m. plenty comfortably enough
writing a long chapter of my book; then went to a masked ball
blacked up as Uncle Remus, taking Clara along, and we had a good
time. I have lost no day since, and suffered no discomfort to speak
of, but drove my troubles out of my mind and had good success in
keeping them out--through watchfulness. I have done a good week's
work and put the book a good way ahead in the Great Trial [of Joan],
which is the difficult part: the part which requires the most
thought and carefulness. I cannot see the end of the Trial yet, but
I am on the road. I am creeping surely toward it.
“Why not leave them all to me?” My business brothers? I take you by
the hand! I jump at the chance!
I ought to be ashamed and I am trying my best to be ashamed--and yet
I do jump at the chance in spite of it. I don't want to write
Irving and I don't want to write Stoker. It doesn't seem as if I
could. But I can suggest something for you to write them; and then
if you see that I am unwise you can write them something quite
different. Now this is my idea: