1873. I have been too indolent for a few years. Now I must be up
and doing, with a heart for anything, and remember that these
clouds that overshadow us all are meant to make us look beyond for
the sunshine. "No cross, no crown." I have a project in my head
that I wish very much to carry out. I am tired of my selfish life;
and all that reconciles me to it is, that I accept it as a
necessary discipline for my restless spirit, to teach me
submission, and help me to say, "Thy will, not mine, be done." My
idea of a _true_ Christian is to be working for others always, and
not thinking of self. My desire is, to start a sewing-class from
the Mission School, to be kept up during the summer, if I can only
get the means of carrying out my plan, and find some one who is
willing to take charge of it in case I am not able to be there. I
would _gladly_ make the sacrifice of personal comfort.
The sewing-class was started, and Miss Ellis became one of its most
devoted teachers, though working often in great feebleness and pain.
Feel bluer, but I believe my deafness is bringing me truer faith,
and resignation.... Another very warm day, but I have managed to
get through the day cheerfully, thinking of heavenly things.... I
cannot understand what makes me so ugly sometimes. I pray that my
evil spirit may be subdued some day.... Do not know of anything I
have done to benefit others to-day, only I have been cheerful.... I
have felt pretty well, and this day went rightly with me, though I
do not know as I have advanced the cause of life very much.... How
I do long to live a perfectly unselfish life, and to be a blessing
to those around me, as my life was intended for!... Am reading "Old
Kensington," by Miss Thackeray,--a real love-story; and it makes me
sad, as usual.... Still in the house, and feel poorly. Feel a
little dull this evening, and on thinking over my life, think that
I have had more than most people of my age to endure, and wonder
that I keep up my spirits as well as I have; and it is only that I
feel that all is the necessary discipline for me. "Let us but be
genuine, honest, and true in everything, even in the smallest
thing, and we have in that the sign and the pledge of entire
consecration of heart and life to God" (J. F. Clarke). "Be faithful
unto death, and I will give you a crown of life" (Rev. ii. 10)....
Gave up to a _terrible_ fit of the "blues" this afternoon and
evening. Am _so_ tired of suffering all the time, that I gave way
under my cross to-day. It seems as if I can't struggle to live
longer.
_Sunday._ A bright day; I was not able to go out, but felt that it
was good to remain at home to think over my blessings.... Attended
Bible-class this evening. I came home in rather a despondent mood.
I find my cross hard to bear, but must pray for more strength.
1874. Sent my old Bible to be bound to-day, which I have used
twenty-three years.... I have felt extremely favored to-day, in
that I was able to attend the Sewing School, which I feared all the
week I might be disappointed in. We closed the school to-day, after
twenty-four weeks' work. It has been time well spent, and I feel
particularly thankful to my heavenly Father in having heard my
prayer for health, strength, and good weather. One strong desire of
my life has been vouchsafed me, and I feel overpowered with joy
to-night.... I have felt to-day how much I need the assistance of
Christ, and may his religion help me to be victorious in the end.
Quoting an extract from Miss Sedgwick's diary on the unmarried life,
which ends, "Though not _first_ to any, I am, like Themistocles,
_second_ to a great many: my sisters are all kind and affectionate to
me, my brothers generous and invariably kind; their children all love
me," Miss Ellis adds: "These _very words_ I can repeat as my
experience.... If I can only add a few _drops_ of happiness to his life
[a brother's], I shall be too happy."
1875. Mr. Noyes called Monday to bring me his sermon, and it made
me very resigned. The text was from 2 Cor. xii. 10,--"When I am
weak, then am I strong."
Paul's "thorn in the flesh" was the topic of the discourse, and several
pages of extracts are copied in the journal.
It is one of the trials of my life not to assist in the church as I
desire to. I presume it must be because I neglect other duties, and
see but one thing before me, and that is, to give up the _idol_ of
my life, and do the duty that is nearest to me; but it is a sore
trial to me.... This has been an eventful week to me, for last
Sunday Mr. Noyes closed his ministry with us.... Now they have
really gone, it makes me feel rather despondent, though I know they
have left many blessings to me behind them.
I am beginning some fancy work, in hopes of brightening my life
somewhat. I am not reconciled to the hardships of life.... Am
anxious to learn wood-carving.... I try to have the faith _of_
Jesus more than that about him.
... Went to see about trumpets yesterday, and came home greatly
disheartened, and shall have to submit with a good grace to the
cross.... Mr. Wendte lectures on the New Testament this evening. I
should be glad to hear him, but believe all is best as it is.
1877. We had a beautiful sermon to-day, which I took especially to
myself, on "The Lonely Hours of Life." ... Am feeling better
to-day, and the sermon (on "Be Strong, and of a Good Courage")
roused my better nature, ready to go on courageously.... Lecture
this evening on "Funeral Customs." I did not attend, for the sermon
to-day (on "Prayer") so exalted me that I didn't feel like
listening to things of the world.... Wakened feeling disconsolate
this morning, but resolved to bear the cross of life as trustfully
and cheerfully as possible, and lay up treasures during the summer
ready to "give out" when all return in the winter. Impressed two
little pieces on my mind,--one by Spitta, in "Day unto Day,"--
"Glad with thy light and glowing with thy love,
So let me ever think and speak and move."