DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that the Duke of ARGYLL, when he received the
freedom of the Burgh of Paisley, the other day, told the following
interesting story:--
"I was going once to call on a lady in London, and when the
door was opened and the servant announced my name, I saw
the lady advancing to the door with a look of absolute
consternation on her face. I could not conceive what
had happened, and thought I had entered her room at some
inconvenient moment, but, on looking over her shoulder, I
perceived Mr. and Mrs. GLADSTONE sitting at the tea-table, and
she evidently thought that there would be some great explosion
when we met. She was greatly gratified when nothing of the
kind occurred, and we enjoyed a cup of tea as greatly as we
had ever done in our lives."
Now, my dear _Mr. Punch_, I have great sympathy with "the Lady," and
think (with her) the meeting, as described by his Grace of ARGYLL, was
mild in the extreme. If something out of the common had taken place,
it would have been far more satisfactory. To make my meaning plainer,
I give roughly (in dramatic form) what should have happened to have
made the action worthy of the occasion.
SCENE--_A Drawing-room. Lady entertaining_ Mr. _and_ Mrs. G. _at tea.
A loud knock heard without._
_Mrs. G._ (_greatly agitated_). Oh dear, I am sure it is he!
_Mr. G._ (_with calm dignity_). Do not fear--if he appears, I shall
know how to deal with him.
_Lady_ (_pale but calm_). Nay, my good, kind friends, believe me, you
shall not suffer from the indiscretion of the servant.
_Mrs. G._ (_pushing her husband into a cupboard_). Nay, WILLIAM, for
my sake! And now to conceal myself, so that he may not suspect his
presence by my proximity. [_Hides behind the curtains._
_The Duke of Argyll_ (_breaking open the door, and entering
hurriedly_). And now, Madam, where is my hated foe? I have tracked him
to this house. It is useless to attempt to conceal him.
_The Lady_ (_laughing uneasily_). Nay, your Grace, you are too
facetious! Trace the PREMIER here! Next you will be saying that he and
his good lady were taking tea with me.
_The Duke_ (_suspiciously_). And, no doubt, so they were! This empty
cup, that half-devoured muffin--to whom do they belong?
_The Lady_ (_with forced gaiety_). Might I not have entertained Mr.
and Mrs. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN, my Lord Duke?
_The Duke_ (_aside_). Can I believe her? (_Aloud._) But if it is as
you say, I will send away my clansmen who throng the street without.
(_Opens window and calls._) _Gang a waddy Caller Herring!_ They will
now depart. (_A sneeze heard off._) What was that?
_The Lady_ (_terrified_). I fancy it was the wind--the cold wind--and
now, believe me, Mr. GLADSTONE will abandon Home Rule.
_Mr. G._ (_suddenly appearing_). Never! I tell you to your face that
you are a traitor! [_Sneezes, and hurriedly closes the window._
_The Duke_ (_savagely_). That sneeze shall be your last!
[_Takes up a knife lying on the table._
_Mr. G._ (_repeating the action_). I am ready, Sir!
_Mrs. G._ (_rushing between them_). Oh, WILLIAM! Do not fight!
_The Lady_ (_falling on her knees_). I prithee stay!
_Mr. G._ Never! May the better man win!
_The Duke._ So be it!
[_The Scene closes in upon a desperate duel. Curtain._
_There, Mr. Punch!_ What do you think of that? Still, perhaps, under
the circumstances of the case, it is better as it is.
Yours most truly,
ONE WHO NEVER PAID TWOPENCE FOR MANNERS.
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