[Illustration 'P']
PUNCHINELLO has for some time past carefully considered the subject of
our national tariff of imposts, (_that is to say, he happened to see, in
a Tribune, the other day, that lucifer matches were now to be stamped
separately, and not by the box, as heretofore_) and he has come to the
conclusion, after duly weighing in his mind all the arguments for and
against the present system of taxation, (_that is to say, he made up his
mind the minute he read the article_,) that what the present tariff
needs, is a more thorough application and a better classification; or,
what the technologists call Taxonomy, which term is suggested to him by
a work on the subject which he has been recently studying. (_That is to
say, he looked in the dictionary to find out what Taxidermy meant, and
seeing Taxonomy there, snapped it up for a sort of collateral pun_.) As
an illustration of what our impost legislators (or imposters) ought to
be, let us take the Taxidermist. He is one who takes from an animal
every thing but his skin and bones, and stuffs him up afterward with all
sorts of nonsense. Now, our National Taxidermists ought to take a lesson
from their original. Many of the good people of the United States have
much more left them than their skin and bones. Why is not all that
taken? The condition of the ordinary stuffed animal of the shops is
strikingly significant of what should be expected of loyal communities.
(_That is to say, communities which vote a certain ticket which need not
be named here_.) It is often said that there are things which flesh and
blood will not bear. Now, a thorough system of Taxidermy remedies all
this. A stuffed 'possum, for instance, having no flesh or blood, will
bear any thing. When the people of this country are thoroughly cleaned
out, they will be just as docile. Among the things which PUNCHINELLO
would recommend as fit subjects of taxation, is a man's expenses. They
have not been taxed yet. If he pays for his income, why not for his
outgoes? The immense sums that are annually expended in this country for
this, that, and the other thing ought certainly to yield a revenue to
the government. (_That is to say, there ought to be a new army of
collectors and assessors appointed. P. knows lots of good men out of
office_.) And then there's a man's time. Why not tax that? Nearly every
man spends a lot of time, and he ought to pay for it. As it would be our
tax, it could not be a very minute tax, although it is only the second
tax which we have suggested. (_That is to say--- something pun-ny_.) And
besides these things, there's energy. We often hear of a man's energies
being taxed; but, so far as the matter is apparent to the naked eye, it
is difficult to see whose energies are taxed for the good of the
government at the present day. This subject should certainly be
investigated. (_That is to say, a committee of Congressmen should be
appointed, with power to send for persons, papers, and extra
compensation_.) Politics, too. Every man has his politics, (_that is to
say, every man except Bennett_,) and they ought to be taxed, if for no
other reason than the great impetus the measure would give to the
erection of fences throughout the land. And letters, too. If every one
sent by the mail should yield one cent to the Treasury, how the currency
would be inflated in that locality! (_That is to say, in the locality to
which the collectors would abscond_.) But it is impossible, with the
limited time at his disposal, for PUNCHINELLO to enter into a full
examination and elucidation of this subject. (_That is to say, he can't
think of any more illustrations just now, and the printer wouldn't stand
any more, if he could_.) But it must be admitted that the great task of
opening up the country, of which we hear so much, will never be complete
until the Washington skinners and stuffers get us all into the prepared
specimen condition. (_That is to say, when the people are all willing
to_ "_dry up_.")
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JOHN CHINAMAN'S BILLING AND COOING.--Pigeon English.
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