_Same Scene as in Act I. The PROF. has returned from town. He is half
asleep in a chair at the table. His valise is lying on the floor._
_PEGGY comes in cautiously from the room. She has a hat and coat and
suitcase, which she hides in the lower part of the cupboard._
PEGGY [_regarding PROF._]. Gracious, wasn’t mother and the Kilroys
foolish to think you’d go away?... Important engagement in London....
Wake up, uncle!
PROF. [_looks around and scratches his head_]. I wonder to Gawd where
I’m now! Paris or London....
PEGGY. You’re all right, uncle. You’re at home ... in Ireland.
PROF. [_parrot-like_]. Pritty Peggy.... Pritty Peggy. Lent me three
pounds at five per cent.... Rich or poor you’re my uncle, Peggy.... Full
or empty, welcome home.... Order! [_Sleeps._]
PEGGY. It’s perfectly hopeless. [_Exit back._]
PROF. [_sits up again_]. Whisht, Kelly! By some dispensation of
Providence you can sing none. Let me try it. [_Sings._]
“I’m a daughter of Daniel O’Connell,
From England last week I sailed o’er;
The people to me are all strangers
And I don’t know my friends from my foes.”
[_Scratching his head_] If a man doesn’t know his friends from his foes
he has only to come home broke. [_Sleeps._]
_JOHN comes in back. He is coatless and has the salley switch in
his hand._
JOHN. Are you sleeping, Tim? [_No answer._] Waken up, man! I’m going
to cart you over to the other farm....
PROF. Whisht, Kelly! You’re simply murdering that. Let me at it.
[_Sings_]
“I must confess I am content, no more I wish to roam,
So steer my bark for Erin’s Isle, for Erin is my
home.”
Gum, Kelly, I’m awful homesick! I’ll go home--if I should have to walk
it!
JOHN. Poor fellow.
_MRS. S. comes in from the room. She has her hair done and wears
a shiny silk blouse and a conspicuous watch-chain._
MRS. S. Give him a shake, man! Don’t be so gentle with him.
JOHN. I could never cart this man across, Briget, in such a
condition. He’s like a lump of wet putty.
MRS. S. You’ll take him over and close him in the barn, and he’ll
stay there on bread and water till I give the order to release him. I’ll
not have my plans upset by such a wandering vagabond. [_She grabs the
switch from JOHN and hits PROF. a lick._] Waken up! or I’ll lift the
bark off you.
_It has no effect._
JOHN. See that now, Briget. He’s paralysed.
MRS. S. And them Kilroys coming at six o’clock!
JOHN. If we could get him upstairs, Briget ... and let him lie in the
back room....
MRS. S. [_explodes and batters PROF._]. Get up! Rise! Wake up--or
I’ll finish you!
JOHN [_takes the switch from her_]. Don’t do that, woman! Don’t
hammer the unfortunate.
PROF. [_awake_]. What’s the row?
MRS. S. Get up.
PROF. Where am I? Who struck me with the marlin spike?
MRS. S. I did. Get up.
PROF. Hallo, sister Briget! Glad to see you. [_Yawns._] I’m awful
tired.
MRS. S. Well, there’s a room upstairs ready for you. Go up and lie
down. John’ll help you up.
PROF. What time is’t?
MRS. S. It’s bed-time.
JOHN. Ah, no, Briget. It’s not six o’clock yet.
MRS. S. [_to JOHN_]. Big head!
PROF. [_blinking_]. I’m not going to bed at six o’clock.... Like in a
reformatory.... I want a drink. I’m dry....
MRS. S. You’ll get no drink here. Not a spark.
PROF. My valise! Where’s my valise?
MRS. S. It’s here. [_To JOHN_] Take it up to the back room, John.
Quick now.
_JOHN goes off with valise._
PROF. Come back here, Johnny? Come back, you little cutworm. [_Draws
knife._] Gum, I’ll teach you crofters’ manners. [_Goes out after JOHN._]
MRS. S. Oh, sweet bad luck to you! And the same to big, windy Kilroy,
for leaving you on the platform instead of flinging you into the
train....
_PEGGY comes in back._
PEGGY. What’s wrong, mother?
MRS. S. What’s not wrong?
PEGGY. Where’s uncle Tim?
MRS. S. The last I saw of him he was chasing our father upstairs with
a knife. This house is going straight to the devil.
PEGGY. Gracious, he might hurt father.
MRS. S. He hasn’t the least intention of hurting father! He knows
soft John too well for that.
PEGGY. There’s always something wrong in this house.
MRS. S. Yes, and there’s something wrong with you, too! You’ve been
flitting about all afternoon like a ghost. Don’t tell me you haven’t,
for I’ve eyes in my head.
PEGGY. Well, mother, you do have some silly notions. You’d think I
was only sixteen.
MRS. S. Your age has nothing whatever to do with it. You’re under my
care till Joseph Kilroy takes you off my hand, then you’ll be your own
mistress.
PEGGY. You’re making a sermon out of nothing.
MRS. S. Well, I’ll cut my sermon short. You’ll marry Joseph Kilroy
before you’re a week older. His mother’ll be here in a few minutes, and
I’ll make my own arrangements.... Go now and close the parlour windows
and have everything ready for tea....
_JOHN comes in right shaking his head._
JOHN. By the hedges, that’s a case. He lay down on the parlour floor
and fell asleep.
MRS. S. [_shrieks_]. Why did you let him in there? Go and fetch him
out of that. Don’t you know the Kilroys have to sit in there! Drag him
out.
JOHN. By hokey, I’ll do nothing of the kind, Briget.... He’s that
long seafaring knife in his hand, and vows he’ll give somebody the
length of it.... I’ll not face him anyway....
MRS. S. You’ll not face him! [_Blazing._] But I’m the lady ’ill face
him! [_Stalks to the room._]
_Noise from the room._
JOHN. Your mother’s getting very hard to live with, Peggy. She’s out
of one tantrum into another the whole year round. I’ve made myself an
old man trying to humour that woman and keep peace in the house, but
it’s going to beat me in the end.
_Noise from MRS. S. and PROF._
PEGGY. Listen, father. She’s giving uncle Tim a great tongue
thrashing.
JOHN. She won’t shift him. You might as well try to draw the badger.
PEGGY. I thought you were going to take him over to the other farm?
JOHN. The man’s not able to go anywhere! He wants about a month’s
sleep. God knows when that man got a dacent sleep. Maybe not for years.
PEGGY. Well, it’s a pity, father. The Kilroys are coming and we can’t
take them into the room.
JOHN. What’s the matter with this kitchen?
PEGGY. Not a thing, father. But Mrs. Kilroy’s coming.
JOHN. And who’s Mrs. Kilroy? Is she any better than the rest of us?
PEGGY. Not a whit. But she thinks she is.
JOHN. The priest sits in this kitchen. If it’s good enough for him
it’s good enough for Mrs. Kilroy. If she doesn’t think so she needn’t
sit down. I’m fair sick of vanity.
PEGGY. Just a word, father, before they come in. Don’t you sign any
papers for James Kilroy. Hugh O’Cahan says they have nothing.
JOHN. Do you think I don’t know what Kilroy’s here for? Do you think
I don’t know what all the match-making’s about? Ho, the very best. His
ill-bred son wants a settlement and there’s nothing to settle him
with....
PEGGY. They shan’t settle him with me anyhow.
JOHN. You’re right, Peggy. If I was a nice educated girl like you I’d
put a shirt on Hugh O’Cahan. He’s a man with all his faults; and the
other’s a prig with all his virtues.
PEGGY. Father, I never thought you could size up people so well.
JOHN. I’m not as soft as I let on, Peggy. By minding my own business
I’m a strong farmer. Kilroy by minding other people’s business is a weak
one. He’d ruin me now like himself, but he won’t.... I won’t let him.
PEGGY. Mother ’ill be wild if you don’t sign.
JOHN. I know, Peggy. It means civil war. But I’m prepared for war.
Your mother treated me very shabby this day. Before them Kilroys too.
That’s what stomachs me. It was “Silence, John!” every time I opened my
mouth. Your uncle Tim said I was only a scarecrow on my own land, and he
wasn’t far wrong. But, by God, the scarecrow’s tired of his job!
_MRS. S. comes in baffled and angry._
MRS. S. Have you pair been here ever since?
JOHN. We were waiting for you to bring out the invader, Briget.
MRS. S. But you couldn’t come in and give me a hand!
JOHN. I knew if you couldn’t shift him yourself, nothing could shift
him.
MRS. S. [_to PEGGY_]. Nor you didn’t think it worth while to come!
PEGGY. I was afraid, mother. He was raveling in his sleep. You never
knew what he’d do.
MRS. S. Well, put on your apron and lay the table. We’ll have to
entertain the Kilroys in the kitchen.
PEGGY. All right, mother. [_Gets cloth._]
MRS. S. [_to JOHN_]. Go you and leave your cowstick outside and put
something clean on your neck. You’ll be sitting at the table with Mrs.
Kilroy.
JOHN. That’s a great honour.... Peggy, is there a rag of a collar
about the house?
PEGGY. Your collar and tie’s here. [_Gets them from drawer._]
JOHN. Put them on me, like a good gerl. My hands is dirty.
MRS. S. And so is your face! Go out and wash your face and hands at
the pump.
JOHN. I’ll attend to all that in a minute, Briget.
_PEGGY puts collar and tie on JOHN. MRS. S. goes to room and
returns with grand red chair._
MRS. S. If I’d a man like a man, and not a jinny, he’d soon clear the
room! [_Goes out for another chair._]
JOHN. She’s working herself up into a serious pucker, Peggy.
PEGGY. Never mind, father.
JOHN. I’m as much to blame as herself. I let her tramp over me at the
start. Before you childer grew up I was servant gerl and all here.
_MRS. S. comes in with another chair._
MRS. S. If my three sons were here they’d soon clear the room! [_Goes
out for a plant._]
JOHN. You’d think they weren’t my sons, too, to hear her.... If ever
you marry, Peggy, never treat a man like that.
PEGGY. Now, now, father. Don’t get vexed with her. After all, she’s a
good mother. And she improved you....
JOHN. She improved me, but at a terrible price.
_MRS. S. comes in with large plant._
MRS. S. If these strangers weren’t coming I’d give you pair a bit of
my mind! [_Staring at them_] Are you going to stand there thumbing and
fiddling till they walk in?
JOHN. Hurry up, Peggy.
PEGGY. There you are. I’m finished.
JOHN. I’ll go now and have a nice wash at the pump. [_Goes out
back._]
MRS. S. Get the tablecloth.
PEGGY [_gets cloth_]. Will you just give them tea in their hands?
MRS. S. I’ll see when the times comes. Straighten the cloth.
_PEGGY puts on cloth. MRS. S. sets plant in centre._
PEGGY [_going towards cupboard_]. I’ll get out the cups....
MRS. S. Never mind the cups. I’ll get them out myself. Put on your
apron.
_PEGGY gets an apron and watches MRS. S. nervously. MRS. S.
opens cupboard and takes out tea-things. Finally she peers into
the lower part and drags out PEGGY’S hat, coat and suitcase._
PEGGY. O--h!
MRS. S. [_very calm_]. What are these things doing here?
PEGGY [_stiffly_]. I don’t know.
MRS. S. When did you put them here?
PEGGY. I don’t know.
MRS. S. Perhaps they don’t belong to you?
PEGGY. I don’t know.
MRS. S. Since you don’t appear to know anything, I must find out for
myself. [_Tries to open suitcase._] Where’s the key of this bag?
PEGGY. I don’t know.
MRS. S. [_flies into temper and tries to smash it_]. I’ll smash more
than the bag before I’ve finished! There’ll be no runaway matches in my
house....
_JOHN hurries in back, drying his face with an old towel._
JOHN. Here they come, Briget! The Royal Procession. James and the
wife and Joseph.
MRS. S. Go you and put on your hat and coat and meet them and put in
the horse and throw that old towel out of your hand!
JOHN. By the hedges, there’s a fine string of orders! [_Sees
suitcase._] What’s this going on?
MRS. S. Step on and do what you’re told!
JOHN. Hokey tattler! [_Going._] As Tim says, it’s like a house of
correction. [_Goes out back._]
PEGGY. Father’s getting pretty sick of all this stupid badgering. And
so am I.
MRS. S. You are?
PEGGY. I am. It makes life a burden.
MRS. S. If these strangers weren’t coming in I’d give you and your
father a lesson you wouldn’t forget....
_PROF. staggers in from room._
PROF. A drink of water, please.
MRS. S. Ooooooooh!
PROF. What’s the matter with you? Gum, you’d think you’d swallowed a
tenpenny nail. [_To PEGGY_] A glass of water, pigeon.
_MRS. S. grabs hold of PROF., runs him backward, and shoots him
into the room. He is heard falling._
MRS. S. There’s a glass of water for you! [_She picks up hat, coat
and suitcase, pitches them into the room, and locks the door._] Now!
we’ll see who’s mistress here. From this night forth I’ll rule with an
iron rod....
PEGGY. I hear someone coming in....
_MRS. S. smooths hair and dress and goes to back door. MRS.
KILROY comes in. She is a big vain countrywoman, aged 45, and
dressed in her very best._
MRS. S. W-ell, Mrs. Kilroy! At last! [_They kiss lightly._] It’s a
shame to bring you in this way, but the parlour’s turned upside down for
the Professor coming....
MRS. K. This is perfection. Nothing would do Mr. Kilroy but I should
come over and see Peggy. He has raved all afternoon about Peggy. And for
Joseph, I declare the boy’s half crazy.
MRS. S. This is Peggy herself ... just in her apron. Peggy darling,
this is Mrs. Kilroy.
MRS. K. [_kissing PEGGY_]. Your girls are all very good-looking, Mrs.
Scally, but Peggy’s the pick of the bunch.
MRS. S. The people say that anyway. The others take more after the
Scallys, but Peggy favours my own people. She has the Professor’s eyes.
MRS. K. Well, Peggy dear, I hope you’ll make Joseph a good wife. He’s
very young and wild and foolish, but you’re a good sensible girl.
PEGGY. I’ll do my best.
MRS. K. That pleases me better than big promises. After all, it’s a
great lottery.
MRS. S. Put off your things, Mrs. Kilroy.
MRS. K. I’ll put off this jacket, I’m warm. But I’ll keep on my hat.
We haven’t long to stay.
_She takes off jacket, showing a formidable dress and jewellery.
_
MRS. S. [_taking jacket_]. I’ll leave your jacket in the hall. Peggy,
get Mrs. Kilroy a comfortable chair. [_Goes out left._]
MRS. K. Peggy dear, won’t Rush Hill make a lovely home for you and
Joseph?
PEGGY. Beautiful. [_Gets chair for MRS. K._]
MRS. K. [_sits_]. I want to ask you one thing before your mother
comes in. Joseph says Hugh O’Cahan walked in here this morning and threw
down your presents and told you to make jam of them. Is that true,
Peggy?
PEGGY. Quite true, Mrs. Kilroy.
MRS. K. Well, that relieves my mind more than words can say.... I
hear he’s going off to-night, so you’re rid of him for life and for
ever. You don’t happen to know where he’s going.
PEGGY. I think Australia.
MRS. K. That’s the place for him. The farther away the better. For
I’d be afraid of Joseph quarrelling with him. Joseph’s that hasty.
_MRS. S. comes in and locks door._
MRS. S. Are the men not in yet? [_Sits._]
MRS. K. Oh, they’ll be looking at the cattle. Joseph’s a great judge
of cattle. He was at the Agricultural College, you know. [_To PEGGY_]
Peggy dear, would you mind telling them to come in? We haven’t long to
stay, for Mr. Kilroy has a Council meeting to-night....
_PEGGY goes out back._
MRS. S. Your husband’s a very busy man.
MRS. K. Fearful! I hardly ever see him. Fairs and markets and council
meetings and political meetings. You may guess, one of the childer asked
him the other day--“Daddy, where do you live?”
MRS. S. He’s a great man.
MRS. K. And he thinks you’re a great business woman. But indeed I’ve
heard many a one praising your management. So I want to ask you about
the match. Are you content with everything?
MRS. S. And was from the very first. But what about yourself? Are you
content?
MRS. K. Now that I’ve seen Peggy and talked to her, I’m more than
content. I’m pleased and happy.
MRS. S. Thank goodness to hear that! We’ll have the wedding
immediately.
MRS. K. That brings me to what I want to say, Mrs. Scally. James--I
won’t call him Mr. Kilroy any more--tells me you’ve a brother a
Professor coming here.
MRS. S. Yes. I’d a letter this morning.
MRS. K. Where does he reside usually?
MRS. S. He travels a great deal.
MRS. K. James said he thought he was a Professor in Edinboro’
University.
MRS. S. No, I don’t think he belongs to that University. He travels a
great deal in foreign countries.
MRS. K. Well, dear, you’ll maybe think me a very vain woman. But I’d
like to have the Professor at the wedding. It would give a bit of tone
to it and lift it above the ordinary country wedding.
MRS. S. I’d like to have the Professor there myself. But it mightn’t
fit in with his plans.
MRS. K. Could we not make our plans fit in with his?
MRS. S. Perhaps we could. I’ll see. If it can possibly be arranged
I’ll have him at the wedding.
MRS. K. That’s grand. I’m glad I mentioned it. I’m content now.
_PEGGY comes in back._
PEGGY. They’re coming in. They were looking at the new binder....
_KILROY, JOSEPH, and JOHN come in back. JOHN has on his black
coat and hat._
KILROY. Well, have you ladies had a nice sumptuous crack about the
latest hats and all the falderals?
MRS. S. We never mentioned a hat, James, nor a falderal. But we’d a
very pleasant chat just the same.
KILROY [_slapping wife’s shoulder_]. Doesn’t this caretaker of mine
wear well?
MRS. S. Remarkable! She’s still the best-looking woman and the best
put-on woman that comes into the chapel.
KILROY. Do you hear that, Ellen? [_Slaps._] And that’s from a lady
that flatters nobody. [_Slaps._] She’s as good as new, Briget.
MRS. K. Sit down now and behave yourself. If I was gone you’d have a
young one before a week.
KILROY. Haha! She wouldn’t say that so gaily if she believed it.
MRS. S. Not a bit of her.... Now, Peggy, make the tea.
_PEGGY sees them all seated at table, then starts making tea._
JOHN. Strong, Peggy. I want a good strong cup. [_Holds his head._]
MRS. S. Joseph, you’re very quiet.
MRS. K. That’s because I’m here.
JOSEPH [_mutters_]. Awwwwwh! [_Hangs his head._]
_MRS. S. takes a bottle of wine and glasses from cupboard._
MRS. S. This won’t do anybody any harm. It’s only wine. [_Pours a
glass for each._] Will you have some, Peggy? It’s not every night this
happens.
PEGGY. Thanks, mother. I’ll wait and have tea.
MRS. S. All right, dear. [_Puts round the wine._]
KILROY [_stands up_]. I’m not going to make a speech. I’m only going
to say a few words. Briget, I want you and my Ellen to be very great
friends. Very great friends. In fact, this wedding ’ill make us more
than friends. It’ll make us near relations....
MRS. S. Hear, hear!
KILROY. With your own two farms and Rush Hill all lying in together,
we practically own the landscape....
_PROF. makes a racket at room door._
PROF. [_off_]. Open this door!
KILROY [_shudders but tries to proceed_]. We’ll drink now to the
prosperity of the young couple. That they may ... may ... may may....
[_He can’t get another word._]
PROF. [_giving door a heavy thud_]. Open up, you clodhoppers! Or I’ll
batter it down.
MRS. S. [_in desperation_]. Go on, James! Go on with your speech....
KILROY. That they may ... may ... always ... always ... always ...
have the grace ... grace ... grace ... to always....
_Another heavy smash on the door._
PROF. [_off, yells_]. Open! Open! Open this door.
MRS. K. [_frightened_]. In God’s holy name, who’s that?
PROF. [_off, loudly_]. It’s me! Professor Tim! Sister Briget has
locked me in--trying to hide me! [_Kicks the door._]
KILROY. Ah, Mrs. Scally! [_Collapses on chair._]
MRS. S. [_rising_]. I may just as well tell the truth, Mrs. Kilroy.
It’s my brother. And he’s no credit to me. He’s not the man I expected.
MRS. K. Not the Professor, is it?
PROF. [_off_]. It is the Professor! Professor Tim. Open up!
JOHN. You may open the door, Briget.
MRS. S. He’s not ... not presentable.
JOHN. If you don’t open the door he’ll present himself. He’ll come
through it.
MRS. S. [_goes to open door_]. Lie down on the sofa, Tim. And rest
yourself. We’ve visitors.
PROF. [_off_]. Open up! Amn’t I a visitor, too?
MRS. S. Ah, this is cruel!
_She unlocks door and PROF. comes in._
PROF. You thought you’d killed me, Briget. Eh?
MRS. S. Whisht, now.... You tripped over something.
PROF. I tripped over nothing at all. You gimme a heave that sent me
heels over kettle.... Here, feel this lump.... [_on his head_].
MRS. S. Nonsense, Tim. You only imagine things....
PROF. Imagination doesn’t raise a lump on a man’s head like an onion.
[_Fingers lump gingerly._]
MRS. S. Your head’s all wrong.
PROF. My head was all right till you smashed it.
MRS. S. [_to company_]. He’s half dazed....
PROF. I’m whole dazed with that unmerciful fall you gimme. [_Draws
knife._] For two pins I’d slit you!
MRS. K. [_screams_]. Oh, James! he’s a knife.
_MRS. S. runs away. PEGGY goes to PROF._
PEGGY. Give me that knife. [_She gets knife._] I’ll keep it safe,
uncle.
PROF. You’d better, pigeon. For that’s the knife I cut my food and
baccy with.
PEGGY. Come and sit down.
PROF. [_coming to table_]. Hallo, all! Who’s this smashing big heifer
in the hat?
MRS. K. [_afraid_]. James!
KILROY. It’s all right, Ellen. He’ll not touch you. [_To PROF._]
That’s my wife, sir, Mrs. Kilroy. Isn’t she a good specimen?
PROF. Gum, I should say so. She’s like a Burmese idol.
MRS. K. [_jumps up_]. James Kilroy, I’m going out of this place!
PROF. Sit down, dear. Sit down. I won’t eat you. You’re not my style
of muslin....
MRS. K. How dare you speak to me!... James Kilroy, both you and your
son told me a parcel of lies! You told me this man was a Professor in
Edinburgh University....
PROF. Gum, that was a whopper.
MRS. K. And Mrs. Scally backed you up in deceiving me! [_To MRS. S._]
You and your Professor! A drunken sailor! [_Marches out back._]
KILROY [_rising_]. Come back, Ellen. Don’t go away.... [_To MRS. S._]
Briget, get this man put out of the road. Put him in the churn and put
the lid on him.... I’ll fetch Ellen back in a minute.... [_Hurries out
back._]
PROF. I’m tired. [_Sits._]
JOSEPH. Will this matter to you and me, Peggy?
PEGGY. It won’t matter to me, Joseph.
JOSEPH. No, nor to me.... I don’t care if the Professor was ten times
as bad a case.... Nor my father doesn’t care either....
PROF. Nor your mother won’t care either, Joseph.... Wait till she
hears what your father has to say outside. She’ll come in and eat out of
my hand....
JOSEPH. Awwwh!
PROF. What are you trying to say? Gum, if I strike you I’ll change
the whole shape of your face. You oaf.
MRS. S. Tim, I’ll forgive you a lot if you go and lie down in the
room for half an hour....
PROF. I don’t think you’ve a great lot to forgive.... I think I’m the
injured party....
_KILROY and MRS. K. come in back. He is very red and
embarrassed, she very crestfallen._
KILROY. We’re all right now. Sit down, Ellen. Sit down.
_KILROY and MRS. K. resume their places at table._
PROF. Mrs. ... Mrs. ... Kilroy, I apologise. I’ll behave myself like
a gentleman and a scholar. I’m tired.
KILROY. There now, Ellen. He won’t bother us again. He’s not that bad
after all. [_Takes up glass._] Come on now. Let’s all be the best of
friends. Here’s luck and prosperity and wedding bells. Drink up,
Ellen....
_All drink._
PEGGY. Uncle, will you have some wine?
PROF. No, dear. I’ve the pledge, for life.
MRS. S. Tea, Peggy.
_PEGGY is pouring out tea when MR. ALLISON comes in back. He has
a bundle of papers in his hand._
ALLISON. Well, Professor, are you still here?
PROF. No, I’m evaporated.
KILROY. Nothing wrong, Mr. Allison?
ALLISON. Not a thing the matter, James. I was over at your place and
was told you were here. The Bank wants this agreement signed by you and
John Scally to-night....
JOHN. Me! What does the Bank want me to sign?
MRS. S. Silence, John!
JOHN. This is too sarious for silence! [_To ALLISON_] What business
have you or the Bank with me?
MRS. S. James Kilroy bought Rush Hill on the understanding that you
would go in with him as security....
JOHN. James Kilroy never mentioned the like to me!
MRS. S. But he mentioned it to me! I said you’d do it and you shall!
JOHN [_bouncing up_]. Well, I’m cursed if I shall!
PROF. Bully Johnny! Your “shall’s” not geographically correct, but
that’s only a detail.
JOHN. I know myself what I mean. I’ll sign no bills! No bills.
[_Sits._]
MRS. S. Mr. Allison, have you the papers here?
ALLISON. Yes, ma’am. [_Takes paper from bundle._]
MRS. S. Hand it to me and a pen.
ALLISON [_gives her both_]. Your husband signs there [_points_].
PROF. Now, Johnny! You’re going to get your new spine tested.
MRS. S. [_places pen and paper under JOHN’S nose_]. John Scally, you
never disobeyed me since the morning I married you! I told James Kilroy
to buy Rush Hill and you would sign this paper. He’s making a home for
your daughter. Now then. Take the pen in your hand and write your
name....
JOHN [_wavering_]. I’d rather not, Briget....
MRS. S. Lift the pen!
JOHN [_picks up pen, he is trembling violently_]. I know nothing
about Banks or bills....
MRS. S. Write your name!
JOHN [_hesitating_]. I know in my heart I shouldn’t do this....
PROF. Johnny Scally! if you sign that paper every small boy in the
parish ’ll laff at you.
JOHN [_throws down pen and jumps up_]. I’m cursed over again if I
sign it! [_Sweeps pen and paper and tumblers off table._] Take the whole
thing away to blazes out of my sight and sign it yourselves!
PROF. Bully Johnny! That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you in
pants.
JOHN [_raging_]. I’ll not be made a scarecrow of any longer! Nobody
ever signed a bill for me, and I’ll sign nothing for no man! [_Sits
down._]
MRS. S. I’ll not affront myself before these people, John, but I’ll
make you rue this night’s work.
JOHN. From this night forth--aye, from this minute--you’ll take your
own place in this house and I’ll take mine!
PROF. Sit down, sister. You’re beaten to the ropes. Your despotic
reign is over. Johnny’s cock of the walk.
_O’C. comes in back. He wears a tweed suit and has an overcoat
and suitcase._
O’C. I apologise for interrupting the picnic. But I want one word
with you, Mr. Allison.
ALLISON. Shall we go outside?
O’C. It isn’t necessary. I’m going off to-night. There’s the key of
Rush Hill. That’ll save you any trouble.
ALLISON [_taking key_]. O’Cahan, you’re a prince.
O’C. Don’t mention it.
_PEGGY goes off quietly to the room._
ALLISON. I’ve a car, Hugh. Won’t you let me drive you in?
O’C. I’ll be very glad of a lift. I don’t think I ever walked to town
in my life. [_Turns to JOHN_] John, I owe you forty pounds for a foal.
JOHN [_angrily_]. You owe me nothing! You buried the foal....
O’C. [_taking out roll of money_]. You couldn’t help that, John. It
might as readily have won the Derby. There’s your money. [_Lays it on
the table._]
JOHN. Will you take a luckpenny?
O’C. A luckpenny for a dead foal! Ah, John, that’s too thin!
JOHN. Will you let me shake hands with you?
O’C [_holding out his hand_]. I’m very glad you want to, John. [_They
shake._]
JOHN. Good-bye, Hugh. And remember this: John Scally always wished
you well.
O’C. Thanks, John. I always thought so.
_PEGGY comes in dressed for travelling._
PEGGY. Now, Hugh. Are you ready?
MRS. S. [_jumps up_]. What! Where are you going, Peggy?
PEGGY. I don’t really know yet. Wherever Hugh’s going.
PROF. Bully Peggy?
MRS. S. Peggy Scally, you’re mad! You won’t cross the threshold this
night!
PEGGY. Hugh, I’m going with you. Take me out of this.
O’C. I will, Peggy, and I don’t think anyone present--or all of
them--will try to stop me.
PROF. Now, Joseph, there’s a chance for you to get knocked flat.
MRS. S. John Scally, save your daughter! She won’t heed me any more.
JOHN [_rising_]. Do nothing rash, Peggy. You’re a good girl.
PEGGY. I’m doing nothing rash, father. I was engaged to Hugh O’Cahan
when he had plenty. I’m going with him now when he has nothing.
PROF. Gum, she’s a thick and thinner.
JOHN. By the hedges, she put that plain and dacent. I’m proud of my
Peggy.... Hugh O’Cahan, you don’t know what you’re getting. It’s not
because she’s my daughter. But no man in the world is good enough for
Peggy Scally to clean her feet on.
O’C. That’s the one thing I do know, John.
JOHN. But she’s going with you, and I won’t try to stop her.... Lord,
I wish you were staying at home ... that I could see Peggy whiles....
But here’s an offer. You’ll stay here another week and get married
decently, and I’ll give Peggy her fortune.
O’C. You’re manly, John. You always were. But I won’t take any
fortune with Peggy. I want to throw off my coat and vest and work....
I’m going to prophesy now. [_He looks at the KILROYS_] You people have
got Rush Hill. But if I live I’ll come back and root you out of it! If I
die a son of mine will come back and root you out of it! But I believe
I’ll come back myself, and bring Peggy back to Rush Hill.
PROF. That’s inspiration. If a man holds on to that he can crush the
earth like an eggshell. He can break the Wheel that tried to break him.
JOHN. Peggy, you and me was always the best of friends. I never seen
your frown. Won’t you make Hugh wait here another week?
PEGGY. We’ll do as father says, Hugh.
O’C. Right you are, Peggy. You’re the law and the prophets.
JOHN. Hugh O’Cahan, I’ll say out before all these people what was
always in my mind. I always had a great grah for you. You were a wild
fella but a good fella. You as good as gimme a brown mare that has made
me a power of money with her foals....
O’C. Never mind about the brown mare, John. I took a profit on her.
Tell us some of the wild deeds.
JOHN. Well, you went too fast, Hugh. That’s the short way of putting
it.
PROF. That takes in wine, women, and cards....
JOHN. And leppin’ horses.
O’C. How much, John, do you reckon I’ve spent on wine, women and
cards and leppin’ horses since my uncle died?
JOHN. Some says fifty thousand pounds, and some twice that.
O’C. Mr. Allison, how much has the Bank against Rush Hill?
ALLISON. Four thousand pounds!
O’C. How much had the Bank against it when uncle Hugh died?
ALLISON. The same--four thousand pounds.
O’C. There you are, John. It isn’t hard to earn a local reputation
for riotous living. As a matter of fact, I never had the ghost of a
chance.
JOHN. By the hedges, I’d rather hear that than a thousand pound!
[_Sits down._]
PROF. Come and sit down, Hugh. Gum, I’m proud of my sex. A young
Irishman’s the noblest work of God.
_O’C. sits._
KILROY [_rising_]. Mr. Allison, I want to speak to you.
_KILROY and ALLISON go out back._
PEGGY [_puts off coat and hat_]. Shall I pour out the tea, mother?
PROF. Gum, she’s a cool one. As the poet says, “Mistress of herself,
though china fall.”
MRS. K. No tea for me. My jacket, please!
MRS. S. I’ll get it. [_Goes out for it._]
MRS. K. Go and put the horse in the trap, Joseph. You’ve had a very
narrow escape....
JOSEPH [_rising_]. I’ve Rush Hill anyway. And I can marry any gerril
I like in two counties. I don’t want anybody’s leavings.... [_Going to
the door back_] Look at this circus....
_JOSEPH stands aside to allow MOLL and PADDY to come in. Both
have been weeping. MOLL is still sniffing audibly. She has on
the new hat and dress, carries a big, ungainly bundle, and has
a cat in a basket. PADDY has a saddle and bridle and other
riding tackle strung about him._
MOLL [_not seeing O’C._]. We’ve seen the last av him ... and the last
av Rush Hill. [_Sniffs._] Och, hum! we’re all homeless this night, and
broken-hearted as a motherless colt.... May the holy saints--Colum,
Patrick, and Brigid--be with him wherever he goes....
O’C. Amen, Moll. The saints are all here.
MOLL. Oh, sweet heavens! Gimme another look at you.... [_Peering at
him_] I can hardly see you for my crying eyes....
PEGGY [_placing a chair_]. Sit down, Moll, and take a good look at
him.... What have you got in the basket?
MOLL. Ach, sure it’s the cat. Toby. We couldn’t lave him behind us to
be starved and beaten to death by the Kilroys. [_Sits._] Och, hum.
JOSEPH. Awwwwh! [_Goes out._]
PEGGY [_with a chair_]. Sit down, Paddy. We’re having tea.
PADDY [_sits_]. It’s good to be all here--if only for a minute--as
the swallows light on the road.
MRS. K. [_loudly_]. My jacket! My jacket!
_MRS. S. comes in with jacket._
MRS. S. This is getting a very distinguished gathering!
PROF. “Go ye out into the highways and byeways,” etc., etc.
JOHN. Briget, don’t be harsh. They’ve no home. Moll Flanagan has the
homeless cat in that basket. That’s a lesson to us all.
MRS. S. You’d think to hear you that I was a hard-hearted woman. But
I’ll let you see our mistake. If Peggy’s going away I’ll keep Moll
Flanagan and the cat as long as they like to stay.
JOHN. Good, Briget. I know’d the homeless cat would touch the
heart.... And Paddy could give the boys a hand with the harvest....
PEGGY. Moll, I’m going away with Hugh. Will you stay here till I send
for you?
MOLL. I will--if it was fifty years!
O’C. Paddy, you can hang around here, too, and give John a hand with
the horses, till you hear from me. That won’t be long.
PADDY. Right, master. It can’t be too soon for me. [_Pulls the hat
over his eyes._]
PROF. [_rising_]. Lucky devil, O’Cahan! Youth, love, friendship,
devotion, and the cat for luck.... My valise.... Gum, I’m dry. [_He goes
to the room._]
MRS. K. Mrs. Scally, I’ll take my jacket now. You’ll have a fine
collection here after a bit....
MRS. S. [_giving her jacket_]. Thank God, Mrs. Kilroy, there’s plenty
for them to eat. And we’ll not ask you to bail us if we want more....
JOHN. Holy tattler! That’s a posey! Outrageous, Briget! Atrocious!
_KILROY and ALLISON come in. KILROY has a paper in his hand._
KILROY [_to JOHN_]. Now, Scally, as man to man--will you go bail with
me and two other good men for Rush Hill?
MRS. S. He’ll do nothing of the sort. John has more good sense than
all in the house. I just see that now, that bail’s a near cut to the
poor-house.
JOHN. Thank you, Briget.
KILROY. That ends it. [_Tears the agreement._] The deal’s off,
Allison. You can give Rush Hill to some of your Freemason friends. My
opinion is you never wanted me to get it.
ALLISON. You carry the sting in your tail, James. But for once in a
way you’re right. I didn’t want you to get it. Nor any of my Freemason
friends either. I wanted Rush Hill to remain with O’Cahan. And it does!
O’C. Allison ... Sam ... that’s a cruel sort of joke....
ALLISON. It’s no joke, young man. I don’t make jokes like that.
[_Holds up papers._] It’s all here. The deeds and documents of Rush
Hill. Your mortgages are paid--a clean wipe out.
O’C. [_gasping_]. Allison ... you wouldn’t.... I know you
wouldn’t....
ALLISON [_looking round_]. Where’s the Professor?
PEGGY. He’s in the room.
ALLISON [_lowering his voice_]. We people have been making sad fools
of ourselves. Mrs. Scally, you ought to’ve known better. You knew the
brother was always a little eccentric.... The man’s a real Professor of
Geology. A big man in the world. And very wealthy. He’s tons of it.
MRS. S. My God! has he been acting?
ALLISON. Aye, and doing it not badly. I tell you I was with him in
the Bank for two hours, and ’twas an eye-opener to me. He’s been in the
East--Chief of a Geological Expedition--and he’s worth a pot of money.
_JOSEPH comes in back with eyes bulging._
JOSEPH. Lord save us! There’s a waggon-load of stuff come for the
Professor--trunks, bags, golf sticks, and fishing-rods--like a load of
hay!
_JOSEPH runs out again._
ALLISON. I told you so.
_PROF. comes in from the room, suitably dressed, a touch of
distinction about himself and his clothes._
PROF. I’ve some luggage at the front door. But I’ve told the man to
wait. Part of it is going over to Rush Hill, and part of it staying
here. [_With a quaint smile_] I’ve been enjoying myself. But my little
experiment is at an end. On the whole it has yielded good results. I’ve
found some hearts of gold.
ALLISON [_handing him papers_]. You’ve the deeds and old mortgages
all there, Professor. Some of them haven’t seen daylight for a hundred
years.
_JOSEPH comes in quietly at back._
PROF. [_takes papers_]. Give me the key. [_ALLISON gives key._] Come
here, Peggy. [_She goes to him._] You gave me a kindly welcome to-day,
and three pounds. Do you remember?
PEGGY. Y-es.
PROF. There’s part of your reward. [_Hands her papers and key._] A
wedding present.
PEGGY [_after a pause_]. Uncle ... I’m going to cry....
PROF. Ah, Peggy, don’t be so obvious. Tears are as common as
rain-water. Do something original.
PEGGY. Can I do with these what I like, uncle?
PROF. Do with them whatever you please, Peggy. Light your pipe with
them.
PEGGY [_hands all to O’C._]. You’re a great prophet, dear. Without
going away you’re coming back to Rush Hill.... Say something, Hugh.
_O’C. damps his lips and tries to speak, but in vain._
PROF. Don’t open your lips, young man, or your heart ’ill fly out. I
can hear it beating against the roof of your mouth.
PEGGY [_petting him_]. Try again, Hugh. [_O’C. shakes his head._] You
see, uncle, he hasn’t had much practice in thanking his lucky stars.
That’s why he can’t speak now. He’s so much finer in defeat.
PROF. It depends on what a man’s best used to, Peggy.
O’C. [_shaking himself_]. I can speak now. [_Shakes hands with
PROF._] I suppose I may call you uncle?
PROF. Yes, it’s only a little ante-dated.
O’C. It’ll take some time for me to realise what has happened. For
the last ten days I’ve been like a blind man. One smash coming after
another, old friends disappearing as if by magic, and the future as
black as the inside of a cloud. Leaving Rush Hill to-night was like
walking out to be hanged.
PROF. Sonny, you please me well. You pleased me to-day at the
auction, when the world was falling in pieces about your ears. That’s
when a man stands out. Not when he’s eating strawberries and cream. If
you call a boy after me I’ll put six figures to his name.
ALLISON. And never miss it!
PADDY. In sowl, at that rate, we’ll call a dozen for him.
MOLL. Pad-ee! have some morals.
PROF. For the rest of my life I want to spend half time in this house
and the other half at Rush Hill. Can I have a room there facing the
south?
O’C. Can Peggy and I have a room there facing anywhere? The rest
belongs to you. Peggy and I are your tenants.
PROF. Good. I’ll be a bachelor and a family man combined. We can have
everything we want at Rush Hill. And Peggy the undisputed boss of the
show. You hear that, Peggy!
PEGGY. I should think I do, uncle.... And you hear it, Hugh? No more
double-banks or champion stone walls. I don’t want to be left a widow at
Rush Hill.
O’C. Before all these witnesses, Peggy, I hand you the whip and the
reins. [_Gives PADDY the key._] Take the key, Paddy, and turn up the
lights. I’ll be over after you directly.
PADDY. Come on, Moll Flanagan. Get into your gear. I’m sorry I bought
you all that finery.... Bring Toby and all with you....
MOLL [_struggling to her feet_]. Oh, Lord above! The torrents of
joy’s killing me....
_PEGGY gets PADDY and MOLL ready for the road._
PROF. Paddy Kinney!
PADDY. Yes, your honour, Professor.
PROF. You gave me two shillings to-day.
PADDY [_embarrassed_]. Ah, God forgimme, Professor! Sure I thought
you were as poor as myself.
PROF. I’ll give you two hundred pounds if you kiss Moll Flanagan in
that hat and dress.
PADDY. Well, in sowl, it’s a big lump of money....
MOLL. Daar ye! Daar ye!
_PADDY kisses MOLL._
PROF. I’ll give you five hundred pounds, Paddy, and build you a
cottage if you marry Moll Flanagan inside thirty days.
PADDY. Well, you’ll pay that bonus, Professor, in one fortnight.
MOLL. I wouldn’t like to say but you’re right, Paddy. For that bonus
would drive anyone to it.
PADDY. Come on, then. You’re going to get me after all.... Turn your
head for home. We left Rush Hill, carriage paid for destruction, and
we’re going back to begin a golden age.... Good bless Professor Tim!
MOLL. Amen. May he live for ever.
_PADDY and MOLL go out back._
KILROY [_rising_]. We may as well go home, Ellen.
PROF. James Kilroy, you’re a good Irishman. You put a pound note in
my hand at the station....
KILROY. I wish from my heart I’d had nothing to do with Rush Hill.
PROF. Sit down, James, and smoke a cigar.
JOHN. Sit down, James.
_KILROY sits down._
PROF. Peggy, you’ll find a box of cigars in my valise.
PEGGY. All right, uncle. [_Goes into the room._]
PROF. Hugh, would you mind telling Peggy it’s the small flat box I
want?
O’C. The mild ones.... [_Goes to room scratching his head._]
ALLISON. May I stay and smoke a cigar, Professor?
PROF. I’ll be very glad if you will.
MRS. K. Keep up your heart, Joseph. Mrs. Scally has more daughters
than Peggy.
JOSEPH. I’d marry any of the other three ... any one of them that
would have me.
PROF. You’re what’s called a marrying man, Joseph.
JOSEPH. Yes, sur.
_PEGGY comes in with cigars, followed by O’C., who hands her a
sidecomb._
PEGGY. Joseph, you ought to set your cap for Susan. I know she likes
you, and she’s been frightfully jealous of me....
JOSEPH [_brightening_]. Will you speak to Susan for me, Peggy?
PEGGY. I will indeed, Joseph.
JOSEPH. Mrs. Scally, will you speak for me, too?
MRS. S. [_in a low voice_]. I’ll see, Joseph. [_Pause._] If God
spares me, I mean to talk less.... [_Rising_] I’ll go to my room for
half an hour.... I’m feeling upset....
PEGGY [_throwing her arms round MRS. S.’S neck_]. Mother! don’t leave
us! [_Sets her down and kisses her._] Sure you’ve made us all what we
are!... Come here, Hugh, and kiss mother.
PROF. That’s a tall order, Hugh.
O’C. Not before the crowd, Peggy. But some other time [_shaking hands
with MRS. S._]. My dear mother, you’re the only living thing I was ever
afraid of. And that was because I was very often ashamed of myself.
MRS. S. God bless you, Hugh. I was always anxious about Peggy.
JOHN. By the hedges, it’s grand! It’s outrageous. Atrocious!
PEGGY. And uncle Tim has had his little joke, mother. He must have
counted the cost and known what to expect--especially if he took snuff.
PROF. [_chuckling_]. Gum, yes. I got off very lightly, more so than I
deserved.... Shake hands, sister Biddy. [_They shake._] Like every good
Irish mother, you’ve a sharp tongue and a good vocabulary. And it needs
both to bring up a big family of boys and girls.
MRS. S. [_drying her eyes_]. We’ve seven of the best children in the
world.
JOHN. As straight as seven dies.
PROF. Glad to hear it. And glad to be home. Have a cigar, friends? I
bought these cigars in Bombay.
THE END
------------------------------------------------------------------------
PAUL TWYNING
_A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS_
------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHARACTERS
PAUL TWYNING _A Tramp-plasterer_
JAMES DEEGAN _A Farmer and Magistrate_
DAN DEEGAN _His Son_
PATRICK DEEGAN _Another Son, a Publican_
MRS. DEEGAN _Patrick’s Wife_
JIM DEEGAN _Patrick’s Son_
DENIS M’GOTHIGAN _A Farmer_
ROSE M’GOTHIGAN _His Daughter_
DAISY MULLAN _A returned American_
MR. O’HAGAN _A Solicitor_
ACTS I AND III: _JAMES DEEGAN’S kitchen_
ACT II: _PAT DEEGAN’S Public-house_
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first performance of PAUL TWYNING took place at the Abbey
Theatre, Dublin, on 3rd October 1922, with the following cast:
_Paul Twyning_ BARRY FITZGERALD
_James Deegan_ GABRIEL J. FALLON
_Dan Deegan_ MICHAEL J. DOLAN
_Patrick Deegan_ P. J. CAROLAN
_Mrs. Deegan_ MAY CRAIG
_Jim Deegan_ TONY QUINN
_Denis M’Gothigan_ ERIC GORMAN
_Rose M’Gothigan_ EILEEN CROWE
_Daisy Mullan_ CHRISTINE HAYDEN
_Mr. O’Hagan_ PETER NOLAN
The Play was produced by Lennox Robinson
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT I
_Scene: JAMES DEEGAN’S new kitchen. The walls are raw and the doors and
windows unpainted, for the building is still unfinished._
_At the back are a door and windows to the farmyard; another door L. to
rooms. The fireplace is on the R., and a little beyond it is a cupboard,
built in the wall._
_A table, an old armchair, and a few ordinary chairs have been brought
over from the old house and are piled up in a corner._
_Time: A July night, about dusk._
_PAUL TWYNING, in white jacket and overalls, is mixing mortar on
the floor with a shovel._
OLD DEEGAN [_off_]. Anybody here?
PAUL. Yes, your worship; Paul’s here.
_JAMES DEEGAN, J.P., a tall, grave old man, dressed in
Gladstonian style, comes in from the yard._
OLD DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, I want to speak a word.
PAUL. Well, your worship?
OLD DEEGAN [_irritably_]. I have told you repeatedly not to “worship”
me, sir! I’m not on the Bench now.
PAUL. Well, sure I can’t bring myself to address you like an ordinary
man. Let me call you “your honour.” Sure, south of the Boyne a big man
like yourself--a farmer and magistrate--is called “your honour,” and
looks for it.
OLD DEEGAN. We in the North are more democratic.... But that’s not my
errand here. What I want to know is--when will you be through with this
plastering?
PAUL. In three or four days, master, if I’m spared the health. I’m
now at the cornishing in the parlour-room, and, as you see, I’m working
overtime and attending myself.
OLD DEEGAN. The sooner you’re done and out of this the better.
PAUL. Of coorse! That’s a tradesman’s thanks the world over.
DEEGAN. When I took you in--a tramp off the highway--it was to
plaster my house, not to meddle in my family affairs.
PAUL. Mr. Deegan, your honour, d’ye mean that? Is it in dead earnest
you are?
DEEGAN. Certainly so.
PAUL. And when and how did I meddle in your family affairs? Out with
it, now, for I won’t lie under it.
DEEGAN. You had my son Daniel at a dance in M’Gothigan’s barn and
without my permission.
PAUL. But your other son--Pat, that has the pub. in the town--was at
the dance himself and supplied the drink....
DEEGAN. That was a business transaction. Besides, Patrick is a
married man, but this lad at home is single.
PAUL. But the M’Gothigans are respectable people, and your lad, as
you call him, is over forty years of age....
DEEGAN. My son Daniel is--like all the young men of his
generation--graceless and without understanding.
PAUL. Well, of coorse, I only know him a short time, your honour, but
I’d formed a very high opinion of Dan.
DEEGAN. No doubt.... But a tramp’s opinion of respectability and mine
are different. [_Sternly._] I don’t want a daughter-in-law of your
choosing, sir!
PAUL. Nor, I suppose, of Dan’s either, your honour?
DEEGAN. You have said it. Daniel will have no choice. [_Turning to
go_] I’m going now to interview a suitable female to be his wife, and if
she suits me, she’ll have to suit him, and you, and the M’Gothigans.
[_He goes out back._]
PAUL. Well, begorry, I’ve tramped Ireland, England, and parts of
Scotland, but there is the worst specimen of the landed aristocracy I’ve
met.... That’s the sort of democrats the Land League left behind it.
[_Shouts._] Hi, Dan! You may emerge from your rat-hole. Ould Clanricarde
has gone out.
_DAN DEEGAN comes in back. He is a wild-visaged man of medium
height, with hair turning from grey to whiteness. He is clothed
a few degrees worse than a hired servant, and moves with quick,
furtive gestures._
DAN. What did my fader say, Paul? In God’s name, amen.
PAUL. Well, he seems to think, Dan, you’ve been sporting your figure
at M’Gothigan’s dance....
DAN. Flames, has he heard I was there? What did he say? Did he
mention Rose? Quick, man, for your sowl, and tell a buddy.
PAUL. Oh, he knows all about your love affair, Dan. But I must say he
took a very wide view of it. He says what is very true--that you have to
marry some time and why not now?
DAN. My sowl, that is a wide view!
PAUL. He also says that you were always a headstrong lad, and he
supposes if you’ve made Rose M’Gothigan a promise that you’ll stick to
it....
DAN [_excited_]. Did he say that, Paul? Did he call me a stubbornt
fella?
PAUL. Stiff-necked and stubborn were the words he used.
DAN. I’m in flames, but he’s right! I was always as stiff as a mule
if I took a thing in my head.... But I didn’t speak the word to Rose,
Paul....
PAUL. Eh! Is that the next of it? Let you answer me a few simple
questions. Didn’t you sit beside her last night till the cocks were
crowing this morning?
DAN. I did, heth.
PAUL. And didn’t you hold her hand for hours at a stretch?
DAN. I’ll never deny it.
PAUL. And didn’t you slip her a conversation-lozenger with the
inscription upon it:
“I love you very dearly,
And if you love me,
In spite of wind and weather
We shall married be.”
DAN. I did, heth. And she read it and laft her fill.
PAUL. And then you have the nerve to stand there and tell me you’re
not engaged!
DAN [_confused_]. Does Rose think I axed her?
PAUL. Aye, and what is more important, her father and mother both
maintain that you axed her....
DAN. Oh, flames! has it went that far?
PAUL. But they all know the sort of James Deegan, J.P. They know you
can’t bring a wife in here without his consent....
DAN. Is that gospel true, Paul? Would Rose and her fader and mother
agree to wait?
PAUL. Rose is only in the bud, and can afford to wait as long as you
like.
DAN. Then, I’m in flames, but that settles it! I’ll see Rose this
night, afore I lay my side to a bed, and settle the match.... That’s the
sort of me. If ever I made up my mind to do a thing, I always tore
through it like a mad bull with the cholic.
PAUL. Now that’s bould, headstrong talk. Now I like the way you
lowered your brows when you said that. I never saw such determination in
my life....
DAN [_lowers his brows_]. I can look very detarmint when I like.... I
wish I’d done it twenty-five years ago.... I’ve been the wee boy too
long. But I’ve turned Turk at last.
PAUL. Well, that will do for the present, Dan. [_Looks about the
floor_] See if I left my spatula in the room. [_DAN goes into the
room._] Poor Dan! Your battering-ram expression will change quickly once
ould Bismarck comes in....
DAN [_comes in with spatula_]. Is that your bottle in the room, Paul?
PAUL. That’s a souvenir of M’Gothigan’s dance. Fetch it here, Dan,
and we’ll celebrate your betrothal.
_DAN goes into the room and returns with a bottle._
DAN [_spelling the name on the label_]. “Pathrick Degan ... Boar’s
Head, Ballybullion.”... This is my brother Pat’s whiskey, Paul.
PAUL. It’s nothing the better of that, Dan. Get a cup. [_DAN gets a
cup and PAUL pours a dose._] Toss it off quickly now, before it explodes
in your hand.
DAN. Here’s to Rose herself, Paul.... Angels guard her, amen.
[_Drinks and wreathes violently._] I’m in flames, but that’s torpentine!
PAUL [_pours a drink for himself_]. Here’s every day to you, Dan. May
yourself and Rose live for ever. [_Drinks._] Faith, sowl, that’s your
brother’s whiskey sure enough. You might as well swallow a torchlight
procession.
DAN. Well, he said he made it spacial for the dance.
PAUL. And so he did--he took too much pains with making it! Take it
away now. [_DAN leaves the bottle in the room and comes back._] Get me
some water, Dan, for this cement....
DAN. Here’s the bucket.... [_Goes out to the yard._]
PAUL. Rose M’Gothigan ought soon to be showing up, just if she hasn’t
changed her mind.
_DAN rushes in._
DAN. Paul, Paul Twyning! Who’s coming down the road? And all by her
lone! Guess!
PAUL. Oh, I could never guess, Dan, in twenty years. I give it up.
DAN. Rose herself.... May I never do what’s sinful.... And she’s
taking every look at the new house. Now’s my chance, Paul.
PAUL. Tell me this quickly. Do you feel that nip of special in your
head yet?
DAN. No, but I feel it in my feet. It’s flying down to my toes....
Will I go out and put the spake on her?
PAUL. And a nice posy y’are to put the speak on anyone! Look at the
dirt of your face. And where is the blue dicky you wore at the dance?
DAN. It should be here. [_Takes an old rag of a dicky from the
cupboard._] I hid it in here this morning when I come in from the dance.
PAUL. Put the dicky on your neck and give the face a rub with a wet
rag, and I’ll invite Rose in to see the house....
DAN. But what am I to say, Paul? How am I to seal the match? I never
did the like afore.
PAUL. I believe I’ve a ring here that I picked up many years ago at
Lisdoonvarna. [_Takes a ring from his pocket._] It mayn’t be eighteen
carat, Dan, but it’s better than no ring at all. [_He gives DAN the
ring._] Put that on her finger, Dan, and she’s yours till the sands of
the desert grow cold.
DAN. What finger, Paul?
PAUL. Oh, she’ll hould out the correct finger, never fear you.
DAN. But if it wouldn’t fit, Paul?
PAUL. Then try some of the others. Put it on any finger it fits. The
main thing is to get it on.
DAN. But what am I to say, Paul? How does other people do it?
PAUL. There is no cut-and-dry formula, Dan. Some proposes with tears
in their eyes, and others with their eyes tight shut. And some says one
thing and some another. But in your case, something like this might do:
“Rose dear, after long and serious consideration, I’ve decided to ask
you to be Mrs. Dan Deegan. Now or never, Rose, will you marry me?”
DAN. Sowl, that’s fine talk, Paul. You’re a handy boy wi’ the tongue.
PAUL [_going_]. When you’re nicely groomed and the face scrubbed,
sing a lilt of a song, and I’ll fetch Rose in. [_He goes out back._]
DAN [_scrubbing his face_]. Rose dear, after long and sarious
confederation, I’ve decided to ask you to be my wedded wife. [_Shakes
his head._] I don’t think that’s Paul’s version of it.... [_Struggles
with the dicky._] Is confederation or conflageration the best word?...
Och, what odds about a word? She’ll know what I mean, and that’s the
main thing. [_Gets the dicky fastened, and sings._]
“No pipe I’ll smoke, no horse I’ll yoke,
Till my plough with rust turns brown:
Till a smiling maid, by my own fireside,
Sits the star of the County Down.”
_PAUL and ROSE M’GOTHIGAN come in back. ROSE is a pretty girl,
aged twenty._
PAUL. By glory above, Dan, you’ve a voice like a piccolo. About a
fortnight in Italy would make you perfect.
DAN. Och, you’re only sconcing me, Paul. I wasn’t singing that well
at all. [_Shakes hands with ROSE._] Morra, Rose. You’re welcome there.
How are you feeling after the ball?
ROSE. The best, Dan. How’s yourself?
DAN. Oh, as right as the mail. [_Shakes his head._] We’d a big night,
Rose.... The biggest night ever I put in.
ROSE. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, Dan. [_Looks about_] This is a
fine big kitchen.
DAN. Heth, sowl, it’s big enough. It’s like a gaol-yard.
ROSE. It wants for nothing, Dan.
DAN. Oh, it’s very complete, Rose.
PAUL. Now that’s where you’re wrong, the pair of you. It is by no
means complete. It wants the main feature. Wait and I’ll explain what I
mean. [_Brings the old armchair to the fireside._] Now, my decent girl,
subside into that chair....
ROSE. Oh, Paul, I haven’t a minute.
PAUL. But I won’t keep you a second. I only want to let Dan see what
I’m driving at. [_ROSE sits down._] There now. The kitchen is no longer
a gaol. ’Tis a home sweet home.
DAN [_chortling_]. Sowl, Paul, it takes yourself.
PAUL. Now, Rose, I’ll ask you one simple question. If Dan had no one
but himself in the world, wouldn’t you be content to fill that chair for
life and for ever?
ROSE. I suppose I would.
DAN. And it’s my mother’s chair, too, Rose. Rest her in pace, amen.
PAUL. There you are now, Dan. Yourself and Rose are half engaged
already. So I’ll give you a few minutes to settle it in the usual way,
and then I’ll come back.
_He goes to the room door, but is seen to listen._
DAN [_after an awkward pause_]. This was a fine growing day, Rose.
ROSE. It was a bit hot about twelve.
DAN. Aye, it was like rain in the forenoon.... I was in the moss all
day.
ROSE. I was working in the hay.
DAN. How’s it cutting, Rose?
ROSE. Oh, fairly well, I think.
DAN. Boys, we’d a big night last night, Rose. You were the belle of
the ball.
ROSE. Och, you’re only saying that, Dan.
DAN. I’m saying nothing of the kind, Rose. It’s the holy truth. You
were the belle.
ROSE. The people was all remarking you and me talking, Dan.
DAN. Let them remark their fill. They’ll maybe remark more than that
afore long. [_After a painful effort_] Rose dear, after long and sarious
confederation, I’ve decided to make you Mrs. Dan Deegan. Now or never,
Rose, will you marry me?
ROSE. Oh, Dan, we needn’t talk.
DAN. Why, Rose?
ROSE. Because I haven’t a penny, and you’ll be wanting a girl with a
big fortune for this grand house....
DAN. Me want a fortune! Not the cross of coin, Rose. You’re a fortune
yourself. You can feed pigs and milk cows and keep a house. That’s
enough for me.
ROSE. But it’s not enough for your father, Dan. He’ll want a fortune.
DAN. Well, my fader’s over seventy. Can’t we wait till he goes? All
here is mine after his day. Pat has the pub. in the town.
ROSE. Well, Dan, I’ll wait.
DAN. Och! I know’d you’d cave in at last! Love always finds a way.
And the ring’s here and all. [_Puts it on her finger._] You’re Rose
Deegan now, come weal or woe. It’s a long time since I concaited you.
_PAUL comes in._
PAUL. Another match made in heaven! My blessing, childer. [_Shakes
hands._] And now for a speedy marriage.
DAN. Oh, we’ve agreed to wait my fader’s day, Paul.
PAUL. I heard the arrangement, Dan. But that’s only because you can’t
see your way sooner. With your father’s consent and blessing you’d lose
little time, I’ll go bail.
DAN. Not a day, Paul.
PAUL. Very well, then, just leave me to settle with the ould man. I
think I can manipulate him.... If I succeed I’ll expect a small money
present. Say five pounds--to carry me down to Carlow.
DAN. And you’ll get it. There’s my hand. [_They shake._]
ROSE [_making to rise_]. I’ll be going now, Dan. Your father might
come in....
DAN. Och, sit still, Rose. My fader won’t be in this hour. He’s away
to look at the young heifers....
ROSE. I saw him going into Mullan’s.
PAUL. It’s maybe an _ould_ heifer he’ll look at before he comes back.
DAN [_alarmed_]. What d’ye mean, Paul? In God’s name, amen.
PAUL. Isn’t there an ould doll in the name of Mullan, home from
America with a boatload of money?
DAN. I’m in flames but you’re right. Ould Daisy Mullan.
PAUL. Well, she’s the heifer your father’s off to see, Dan.
[_Listens._] Whisht! And, begorry, she hasn’t kept him long ... here
he’s back. [_He runs into the room._]
DAN [_wildly_]. My fader, my fader, as God’s my judge!
ROSE [_leaps up_]. Oh, Dan, Dan!
DAN. Hide the ring--hide the ring!
_OLD DEEGAN comes in back._
OLD DEEGAN. Just so. I beg leave to be excused for coming in without
knocking.
ROSE. I’ll be going, Dan....
OLD DEEGAN. Tarry a moment, Miss M’Gothigan.
DAN [_shaking_]. I was only showing her the new house, fader.
DEEGAN. Did you tell her who built the new house?
DAN. Oh, the whole world knows that, fader. It was yourself built it
and paid it.
DEEGAN. How do you know whether it’s paid or not, young man?
DAN [_dashed_]. Oh, well, I hope it is, anyway.
DEEGAN. That’s a good boy. Hope well and you’ll have well. [_Glancing
at the chair_] You have been trying how Miss M’Gothigan would fill your
mother’s chair, I see.
DAN [_broken_]. She was only in it a minute, fader.
DEEGAN. And you have on your good dicky, I observe.
DAN. I only put it on after you went out, fader.
DEEGAN. Take it off, sir!
DAN. Yes, fader. [_Goes back and struggles with dicky._]
DEEGAN. Does the new house suit you, Miss M’Gothigan?
ROSE [_choking_]. It’s a fine house, sir....
DEEGAN. It will be a fine home for a young woman with certain
qualifications. Daniel would be inclined to be rash in these matters,
but I’ll take care he makes no mistakes. Now I won’t detain you, Miss
M’Gothigan. I’ll bid you a good evening.
ROSE. Good ... evening.... [_Goes out sobbing._]
DEEGAN [_wipes the chair with his handkerchief and sits down_]. Come
forward, boy.
DAN. Yes, fader. [_Stands forward._]
DEEGAN. Is there anything between you and that low-born trull of
Denis M’Gothigan’s?
DAN. Not a ha’porth, fader. Thank God, amen.
DEEGAN. What authority had you to bring her into my house?
DAN. It was Paul Twyning, fader. He axed her in to see the
plastering.
DEEGAN. And what authority had Paul Twyning to invite a strange
female in here?
DAN. I don’t know, fader. Him and the M’Gothigans is very pact. Maybe
that was it.
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning and the M’Gothigans are much the same breed of
inferiors. Tell Paul Twyning to come forth.
DAN. Yes, fader. [_Goes to the room door and shouts_] Paul Twyning,
you’re awanting! [_PAUL appears._] My fader wants you, Paul. [_Aside_]
Not a word, Paul, for the love of God, amen. I’m denying everything.
PAUL [_coming forward_]. Well, your honour, have you brought the ould
aisy-chair across to the new hearth? Long may you fill it in comfort.
DEEGAN. Oh, thank you.... It won’t be long empty when I’m gone....
Was it you invited that person M’Gothigan to inspect the new house in my
absence?
PAUL. I didn’t see much harm in asking a good girl to look at the
plastering, God bless it. And by the same token, I thought yourself was
upstairs the while.
DEEGAN [_sharply_]. That will do, sir!
PAUL. What will do, sir?
DEEGAN. I want no more of that.
PAUL. Oh, very well, all right! [_Takes off his jacket._] If you want
no more of it, neither do I.... Give me three days’ pay and let me back
to a dacent country....
DEEGAN [_stands up_]. You have taken me up wrong, sir. I didn’t mean
you to stop work. I meant you to stop lying.
PAUL. That’s worse again! [_Pitches the jacket on the floor._] My
three days’ pay, or an apology. Now suit yourself.
DEEGAN. An apology? For what?
PAUL. For as good as calling me a liar. [_Loudly_] Devil recaive the
spark of plaster I’ll put on the wall till you apologise! And for
little, I’d plaster the house with writs for defamation of character.
DEEGAN. Writs! I’ve been in the Four Courts of Dublin in my time.
PAUL. And from what I hear, you’ve dragooned the whole parish ever
since.... But by my sowl, you won’t dragoon Paul Twyning! You were only
a week-end in Dublin, but I was born and raised and educated in it.
DEEGAN. You’re a great credit to it.... But go on with the
plastering. I withdraw the words I said ... or perhaps you’d prefer a
written apology?
PAUL. Oh, the verbal repudiation will satisfy my honour. But since
you’ve raised my dander I’ll press for full trades union rights. As a
journeyman I’m entitled to bring in any man, woman, or child to examine
my work. That’s how we tradesmen build up a reputation.
DEEGAN. Just so. Who will you invite next?
PAUL. Daisy Mullan’s aunt, for one. She has a bedroom wants a
ceiling.
DEEGAN. Miss Mullan’s aunt will be very welcome.
PAUL. And Denis M’Gothigan’s pantry needs new lath and plaster.
[_Picks up his jacket._] I’ll have my full rights, or down tools. [_Goes
into the room._]
DEEGAN. That tramp scoundrel has more in his mind than plastering....
I hope you gave no promise of any kind to the slut?
DAN. No promise, fader. Thank God, amen.
DEEGAN. If you have, I’ll deal drastically with you. I’ll march you
to Derry quay and put you aboard the emigrant ship, with my own hands.
Mind that.
DAN [_shivers_]. You wouldn’t do that, fader dear.
DEEGAN. Try to thwart me, or disobey me, and you’ll see.... I have
done it with your brothers and sisters when I was less independent than
I’m now, and I’ll do it with you, too. [_Holds up his hand._] Do you see
that hand on my body?
DAN. Yes, fader.
DEEGAN. May it wither if I don’t make an example of you!
DAN [_trembles_]. But I’m not trying to twart you, fader. I’ve no
mind to twart you.
DEEGAN. Not to my face. But the moment you get my back turned, you
have a dirty M’Gothigan cocked in your dead mother’s chair.... May the
Most High keep me in temper....
DAN. Amen, fader. Don’t vex yourself, fader. I’ll never marry nobody
your day....
DEEGAN. You’ll marry to-morrow if you’re told! And the choice will be
mine, not yours.
DAN. All right, fader. You’re the best judge of a cow or a horse in
the parish, and maybe of a well-doing woman too.
DEEGAN. If she has a certain sum of hard money I won’t look too
closely at her points. My thick-witted son is not such a catch in
himself.
DAN. God knows that’s true, fader.
DEEGAN. I have my eye on a suitable female for this chair. She’s like
yourself, not embarrassed with too much intelligence, but I understand
she has money....
DAN [_aghast_]. The ould Yankee Mullan! Ould Daisy Mullan that could
be my granny!
DEEGAN. You are wrong, sir. Miss Mullan is in the prime of life.
[_Sternly_] Would you dare turn the word on me, sir?
DAN [_meekly_]. Oh, whatever you plan, yourself, fader, I’m
agreeable.... You’re a highly educated man.... And I know nothing, God
help me.... But I don’t like her Yankee twang....
DEEGAN. If her Yankee twang keeps you in the far fields, so much the
better. I’m not marrying you to be happy, or to sit with your toes in
the ashes.... Go now, and put on your Sunday clothes....
DAN. Where am I going, fader?--in God’s name, amen!
DEEGAN. You’re going over with me to Mullan’s!... Wash the lime and
mortar from behind your ears. And keep the cap pulled down over your
hair.... It’s nice to see a boy of your age with grey hair in his head!
DAN. I can’t help my hair turning white, fader.... Will I put this
dicky on my neck?
DEEGAN. Certainly so.
_PAUL comes in for mortar._
PAUL. Dan, boys will be boys, and all of us make mistakes. But I
think you ought to take your distinguished father into your
confidence....
DAN. I’m in flames, but I’m betrayed! Sold like a bullock in
Smithfield! [_Dashes into the room._]
PAUL. I may be only a tramp, your honour, but I’ve an Irish heart in
my body, and it hurts me to see a foolish boy deceiving a good father.
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, you are a better man than I gave you credit
for.... What has this lad been doing?
PAUL. He has been offering marriage to Rose M’Gothigan, and, needless
to say, she accepted.
DEEGAN [_staggers_]. Oh, don’t say that word! Tell me he has stolen
something, or taken a false oath, but don’t say he’s pledged to that
inferior.
PAUL. It grieves me to hurt a proud father’s feelings, but I must
protest the truth. He proposed to her in that aisy-chair a few minutes
ago, and was accepted under my own eyes....
DAN [_appears in room doorway_]. It’s a lie, Judas! Mind, I’m
prepared to fight for my life. It’s your oath again mine, and what are
you but a tramp from God knows where?
DEEGAN. Go inside, sir, and close the door! Leave my sight, lest
Satan tempt me to lift my hand.
DAN. My oath’s as good as Paul Twyning’s.
PAUL. You could probably swear me clean out of court, Dan; but you
can’t swear your way through an engagement-ring.
DAN [_loudly_]. Flames to the traitor! [_Goes in and bangs the
door._]
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, be careful. A ring?
PAUL. A ring, your honour. He put it on her finger and kissed her
before I could run out and stop him.
DEEGAN. Are you prepared to swear to that?
PAUL. I couldn’t do otherwise, your honour, and keep the conscience
right.
DEEGAN [_drops into the chair_]. Then Denis M’Gothigan has got a case
against me at last!
PAUL. I’ll leave you alone now with your grief, master. I’m glad I’d
the courage to do my duty.
DEEGAN. Thank you.
PAUL [_knocks at room door_]. May I come in, Dan?
DAN [_inside_]. Flames to the traitor!
_PAUL goes in._
DEEGAN [_stands up_]. This has decided me. If Daisy Mullan can give
me proof of her financial position, I’ll make the match before I
sleep....
_DAISY MULLAN comes in back. She is an oldish, noisy,
over-dressed person, with horn-rimmed glasses, much cheap
jewellery, and a conspicuous vanity-bag._
DAISY. Ogee, Mr. Deegan, what do you blamed well think? I let you
come away without getting your advice on several business propositions.
First thing, I wanna ask you about the Irish banking system. Is the
Irish banks safe, Mr. Deegan?
DEEGAN. Our leading banks are perfectly safe.
DAISY. And you think they’d give a gel a square deal if she was
having her money crossed over from the States to this country, do you,
Mr. Deegan?
DEEGAN. Not the least doubt of it.
DAISY. Then I’d wanna know the best gamut for collecting my rents and
having ’em remitted, in case I should buy me a shack and settle down
around here for a spell. Whatcha know about that, Mr. Deegan?
DEEGAN. That could easily be arranged later.
DAISY. Say, Mr. Deegan, you’ve sure taken a mighty weight off my
shoulders. But ain’t it too blamed bad, my racing after you like this
and blistering you with my troubles, ain’t it?
DEEGAN. No trouble, Miss Mullan, where you are concerned.
DAISY. By gosh, ain’t that just lovely! Say, Mr. Deegan, I guess it
ain’t the first time you’ve jollied a gel, sure not. [_Throws her eye
round the house._] So this is your noo house, is it? And a blamed swell
building to look at, you bet. Large, airy, and commodious. Health to
enjoy it, my friend.
DEEGAN. Thank you kindly. It’s still in a raw state, or I would take
you through it. The plasterer is still working in the room....
DAISY. Oh, that Dublin feller, eh? He’s a good mechanic, ain’t he?
M’auntie’s going to have him plaster a bedroom.
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning may have other faults, but he’s a good
tradesman.
DAISY. Hits the liquor, do he?
DEEGAN. He is by no means a sot. But he can’t keep his nose out of
other people’s business. He has only been three weeks in this locality,
but he could write a history of the inhabitants. He questions the very
children along the road as to their antecedents.
DAISY. Ain’t that for you, now! And m’aunt she thinks him such an
innocent babe. [_Opens her vanity-bag._] And now for some more trouble,
Mr. Deegan. I’ve got an American bank draft here for a small amount, but
seems I gotta have it endorsed by a responsible person before an Irish
bank can fork out. Is that right, Mr. Deegan?
DEEGAN [_chary_]. I’m much afraid that’s the rule. [_Puts on his
specs._]
DAISY [_fishes out a paper_]. This ain’t it. This is my insurance
policy on a block of house property I got on Mount Airy, West
Philadelphia. [_Hands it to him._] You hang on to that a moment, please,
till I root out what I want.
DEEGAN [_brightening_]. With pleasure. [_Scans the document._]
DAISY [_takes out another paper_]. What the all-fired noosiance have
I got here? Why, yeah. My broker’s receipts for a bunch of stock in the
Chesapeake, Ohio, and Pennsylvania Railway. [_Hands it over._] I’ll
trouble you to hold it, Mr. Deegan.
DEEGAN. No trouble. [_Reads it._]
_PAUL comes in, and coughs to draw attention._
PAUL. Beg pardon. I’m sorry to interrupt the good work, but I want my
spatula.
DEEGAN. No harm, Paul.
DAISY. Say, Mr. Paul Twyning, when are you coming to plaster
m’auntie’s bedroom?
PAUL [_takes off his hat_]. About the fourth day from now, melady, if
I’m spared the health.
DAISY. Waal, that’s a date. I’ll tell m’auntie to have the room all
cleared out.
PAUL. She may clear out the room, melady, but let her not order the
material till I first run my dimension-rule over the interior and give
her an estimate.
DAISY. I’ll sure tell her so. But, say, if you was in America and
talk like that, you’d get fifteen dollars a day easy.
PAUL. I’ve a brother in Chicago--a lath-and-plasterer--making exactly
that sum, melady.... But I mustn’t be interrupting the good work....
[_Looks about the floor_] I thought my spatula was here, but it must be
outside. [_Goes out back._]
DAISY. Say, ain’t he mannerable?
DEEGAN. He can pass himself very well.
DAISY [_takes out the draft_]. Ah, here we are.... It’s only for
three thousand bucks--about six hundred pounds. You just have a squint,
Mr. Deegan, and see if it’s correctly drawn.
DEEGAN [_scans it carefully_]. It’s drawn on the local bank,
Ballybullion.
DAISY. Yeah, the local bank. It’s got a branch in Ballybullion, has
it?
DEEGAN. Certainly so.... And, better still, I do business there
myself and know the manager intimately.
DAISY. Why, dear Mr. Deegan, you’re a real public benefactor.
DEEGAN [_hands her back all papers_]. I’m going into the town
to-morrow morning, and I’ll give myself the pleasure of driving you to
the bank, and if you require my signature, I’ll be at your side.
DAISY. Why, my dear friend! I thank you over and over again, and then
some.
DEEGAN [_takes off his specs._]. No thanks at all, Miss Mullan. I’m
very pleased to be able to oblige you, and more than pleased to see how
well you have succeeded abroad. [_Draws forward armchair_] Take this
chair, if you please, till I call my son Daniel.
DAISY [_sits down, laughing_]. Say, Mr. Deegan, you’re such a
professor of human kindness. You might put in a good word for me with
your son Dan or some other likely feller in the settlement. I allus said
I’d never marry a Yankee, and you bet I’ve kept my word.
DEEGAN. I’m going to recommend you to my son Daniel. This house and
ninety-five acres of freehold will be his portion. He’s a good steady
boy, free of all vice.
DAISY. Say, Mr. James Deegan, I hope you ain’t joshing me. Mind, I’m
plum-serious. Yes, sir, if you can offer me a loose proposition like Dan
Deegan, I’m just going to prance right in and grab.... I can put a few
thousands into this ranch and make things buzz like a top.
DEEGAN. I’m not a frivolous man, Daisy Mullan. I’m a serious man, and
particularly serious in matters affecting my own house and family.
DAISY [_sets her hat_]. Then you can’t have Den too blamed speedy on
the tape for mine. Is he in?
DEEGAN. He should be in this room. [_Pausing._] I’ll leave you
together after the introduction. You may have to encourage him a little.
DAISY [_giggles_]. Gee! Am I to do the sparking, am I?
DEEGAN. That will depend on how he behaves. [_Opens room door_] Are
you here, Daniel?
DAN [_inside_]. Ay, I’m fixing myself.
DEEGAN. You’ll do very well. Come forth. [_DAN comes out in an
ill-fitting ready-made suit._] Miss Mullan, my son Daniel.