_To Editor Woman’s Page who make bright talk on dusty subjects._
Dear Sir:
I have just abandoned the home of Mrs. Hirem B. Bellus, Trenton, N. J.,
where I was. I shall describe circumstances, showing how I quit it.
This Mrs. Bellus, 211 lbs. sweethearted lady complete with curly-puff
hair, employ me for do Gen. Housework, price $4.50 weekly payment. This
are too less money, but she tell me small pay for small Japanese are
entirely satisfactory. Satisfactory to who? I ask it. No reply from her.
“Are you an intelligent duster?” are first question for her.
“Japanese dusters is more intellectual than Turkey dusters,” I snop
back. “I am acquainted with the habits of dirt and how to kill him. I
am an experienced soaper and a fearless rubb. Therefore, you hire me.”
“Have you ever cleaned with a Vacuum?” she ask to know.
My soul was exhausted to answer this peculiarity.
“I never met him,” I acknowledge.
“How could I hire servant girl not familiar with this form of art?” she
require peevly. “Vacuum cleaning are most delightful sport of home life
to-day. It are enjoyed even in the farthest suburbs of the Universe,
and yet you ignore it!”
“Ah, Mrs. Boss Lady,” I pledge with pathos, “do not fire me before
hiring takes place! Try my sagacity. I shall learn to wrastle with this
Vacuum you told about until you are proud to know me.”
So she took me to store room and introduce me to Hon. Vacuum.
The Hon. Vacuum that cleans, Mr. Editor, are like an ingrowing garden
hose. He can inhale forever without coughing outwards. He are a species
of mechanical snake whose breath always travels toward his tail. To use
him, following directions must be did:
1--Screw tail of Hon. Vacuum to sprocket in wall.
2--Button the electricity and see what happen.
3--You will hear a sound. It will resemble moan of puppy cats
aggravated by Winter blowing cyclones among ghosts. I cannot hear that
Vacuum noise without feeling of lonesome poetry.
4--Hon. Vacuum begin to act disturbed. That are sign he want to eat
dust.
5--Find some dust. Lead Hon. Vacuum to this and say, “Sick him!”
Snorts! Hon. Dust will jump to nowhere while Hon. Vacuum howell for
more food.
What are this Hon. Vacuum, anyhows? Hon. Dictionary Book say “Vacuum
are Nothing.” How could Mr. Danl Webster speak such untruth by his
Dictionary? Vacuum cannot be Nothing and yet make so much noises.
This intellectual Vacuum machinery resemble ostriches in what they eat.
He delight to sip up tacks, needles, buttons and other hard groceries.
He appreciate small wad of paper occasionally, but when I attempt feed
him entire newspaper he hold it firmly against his nose, but refuse to
go furthermore. I should like a photo of his digestion.
Mrs. Bellus, who are a wonderfully housekept lady, admire this Vacuum
more than any of her relatives.
“I hate Dust,” she proclaim to me.
“Why should it?” I require. “Nearly all Earth are composed of this
delicious powder. Mexico, Sahara Desert & Jersey City is built on dust
and enjoys it continuously. Entire Italian army fight to get Tripoli,
which are nothing but dust inhabited by Mohammed.”
“They are welcome to get it,” she snib. “With a regiment of Vacuum
Cleaners led by Gen. Housekeeping I could wipe both armies off from
Morocco and make it fit to sleep in.”