The morning after the receipt of the letter, the contents of which I
have in part made known to the reader, O'Grady called on me to accompany
him into the city.
'I am on a borrowing expedition, Jack,' cried he; 'and there's nothing
like having a new face with one. Cavendish, Hopeton, and the rest of
them, are so well known, it's of no use having them. But you, my boy,
you 're fresh; your smooth chin does not look like a protested bill,
and you've got a _dégagé_, careless manner, a kind of unsuspicious look
about you, a man never has, after a bailiff has given him an epaulette
of five dirty fingers.'
'But, Phil,' said I, 'if you really want money----'
'My very excellent young friend,' interrupted he, in a kind of sermon
voice, 'don't finish it, I beseech you; that is the very last thing in
the way of exchequer a gentleman is ever driven to--borrowing from a
friend. Heaven forbid! But even supposing the case that one's friend has
money, why, the presumption is, that he must have borrowed it himself;
so that you are sponging upon his ingenuity, not his income. Besides,
why riddle one's own ships, while there is an enemy before us to fight?
Please to remember the money-lenders, the usurers, the stockbroking
knaves at fifty per cent, that the world is glutted with; these are the
true game for a sporting gentleman, who would rather harpoon a shark any
day, than spear a salmon.'
'But what's become of Paul? Is he not available.'
'Don't you know what has happened there? But I was forgetting you 've
kept the house this week past. In the first place, La Belle Louise has
gone home, Paul has taken his departure for the circuit, and Mrs. Paul,
after three days' sharp hysterics, has left town for her villa, near
Bray--old Harvey finding it doubtless more convenient to visit her
there, with twenty guineas for his fee, than to receive one for his call
at Stephen's Green.'
'And what is supposed to be the cause of all this?' said I, scarce able
to conceal my agitation.
'The report goes,' replied he, 'that some bank has broke in Calcutta
or the Caucasus, or somewhere, or that some gold-mine in Peru, in which
Paul had a share, has all turned out to be only plated goods; for it
was on the receipt of a letter, on the very morning of Paul's departure,
that she took so dangerously ill; and as Paul, in his confusion, brought
the attorney, instead of the surgeon-general, the case became alarming,
and they gave her so much ether and sal-volatile that it required the
united strength of the family to keep her from ascending like a balloon.
However, the worst of it all is, the house is shut, the windows closed,
and where lately on the door-steps a pair of yellow plush breeches
figured bright and splendent as the glorious sun, a dusky-looking planet
in threadbare black now informs you that the family are from home, and
not expected back for the summer.'
'Perhaps I can explain the mystery,' said I, as a blush of shame burned
on my cheek. Read this.'
So saying, I handed O'Grady the letter, doubled down at the part where
Lord Dudley's mention of the Rooneys began. Grieved as I felt thus to
expose the absurd folly of my mother's conduct, yet I felt the necessity
of having at least one friend to advise with, and that, to render
his counsel of any value, a perfect candour on my part was equally
imperative.
While his eye glanced over the lines, I walked towards the window,
expecting at each moment some open burst of indignation would escape
him--some outbreak of passionate warmth, at the cold-blooded ingratitude
and malevolence of one whom previously we had regarded but as a fool.
Not so; on the contrary, he read the letter to the end with an unchanged
countenance, folded it up with great composure, and then turning
his back to the fire, he burst out into a fit of the most immoderate
laughter.
'Look ye, Jack,' cried he, in a voice almost suffocated with the
emotion, 'I am a poor man, have scarcely a guinea I can call my own,
yet I 'd have given the best hack in my stable to have seen the
Rooneys reading that letter. There, there! don't talk to me, boy, about
villainy, ingratitude, and so forth. The fun of it, man, covers all
the rest. Only to think of Mr. Paul Rooney, the Amphytrion of viceroys,
chancellors, bishops, major-generals, and lord mayors, asked for his
bill--to score up all your champagne and your curacoa, your turtle, your
devilled kidneys; all the heavy brigade of your grand dinners, and
all the light infantry of luncheons, breakfasts, grilled bones, and
sandwiches! The Lord forgive your mother for putting it in his head!
_My_ chalk would be a fearful one, not to speak of the ugly item of
“cash advanced.” Oh, it 'll kill me, I know that! Don't look so serious,
man; you may live fifty years, and never have so good a joke to laugh
at. Tell me, Jack, do you think your mother has kept a copy of the
letter? I would give my right eye for it. What a fearful temper Paul
will be in, on circuit! and as to Mrs. Rooney, it will go hard with her
but she cuts the whole aristocracy for at least a week. There never was
anything like it. To hint at transporting the Princess O'Toole, whose
ancestor was here in the time of Moses. Ah, Jack, how little respect
your mother appears to have for an old family! She evidently has no
classical associations to hallow her memory withal.'
'I confess,' said I, somewhat tartly, 'had I anticipated the spirit with
which you have taken up this matter, I doubt whether I should have shown
you the letter.'
'And if you had not,' replied he, 'I 'd not have forgiven you till the
day of my death. Next to a legacy, a good laugh is the best thing I
know; indeed, sometimes it is better, for you can't be choused out of it
by your lawyer.'
'Laughing is a very excellent practice, no doubt, but I looked for some
advice-----'
'Advice! to be sure, my boy; and so you shall have it. Only give me a
good training canter of a hearty laugh, and you 'll see what running
I' ll make, when it comes to sound discretion afterwards. The fun of a
man's temperament is like the froth on your champagne; while it gives a
zest to the liquor of life by its lightness and its sparkle, it neither
detracts from the flavour nor the strength of the beverage. At the same
time, when I begin to froth up, don't expect me to sober down before
twenty-four hours. So take your hat, come along into town, and thank
your stars that you have been able to delight the heart of a man who's
trying to get a bill discounted. Now hear me, Jack,' said he, as we
descended the stairs; 'if you expect me to conduct myself with becoming
gravity and decorum, you had better avoid any mention of the Rooneys for
the rest of the day. And now to business!'
As we proceeded down Dame Street my friend scientifically explained to
me the various modes there were of obtaining money on loan.
'I don't speak,' said he, 'of those cases where a man has landed
security, or property of one kind or other, or even expectations,
because all these are easy--the mere rule of three in financial
arithmetic What I mean are the decimal fractions of a man's
difficulties, when, with as many writs against him as would make a
carpet for his bedroom, he can still go out with an empty pocket in the
morning and come back with it furnished at night. And now to begin. The
maxims of the sporting world are singularly applicable to the practice
before us. You're told that before you enter a preserve your first duty
is to see that your gun is properly loaded--all the better if it be
a double-barrelled one. Now, look here'--as he spoke he drew from
his sabretache five bills for one hundred pounds each; 'you see I am
similarly prepared. The game may get up at any moment, and not find me
at half-cock; and although I only go out for a single bird--that is, but
one hundred, yet, if by good-luck I flush a covey, you see I am ready
for them all. The doctrine of chances shows us that five to one is
better than an even bet; so, by scattering these five bills in different
directions, the odds are exactly so many in my favour that I raise a
hundred somewhere.' 'And now,' said I, 'where does the game lie?'
'I'm coming to that, Jack. Your rich preserves are all about the
neighbourhood of Clare Street, Park Street, Merrion Street, and that
direction. With them, alas! I have nothing to do. My broad acres have
long since taken wings to themselves; and I fear a mortgage upon Mount
O'Grady, as it at present exists, would be a poor remedy for an empty
pocket. The rich money-lenders despise poor devils like me; they love
not contingencies; and, as Macbeth says, “They have no speculation
in their eyes.” For them, my dear Jack, you must have messuages and
tenements, and outhouses, townlands, and turbaries; corn, cattle, and
cottages; pigs, potatoes, and peasantry. They love to let their eyes
range over a rich and swelling scene of woodland and prairie; for
they are the landscape-gardeners of usury--they are the Hobbimas and
Berghems of the law.
'Others again, of smaller range and humbler practice, there are,
to whom, upon occasion, you assign your grandfather's plate and the
pictures of your grand-aunts for certain monied conveniences you stand
in need of. These are a kind of Brobdingnag pawnbrokers, who have fine
houses, the furniture of which is everlastingly changing, each creditor
sending his representative, like a minister to a foreign court; with
them, also, I have nothing to do. The family have had so little to eat
for the last two generations that they trouble themselves but slightly
on the score of silver dishes; and as to pictures, I possess but one
in the world--a portrait of my father in his wig and robes. This,
independent of other reasons, I couldn't part with, as it is one of the
only means I possess of controlling Corny when his temper becomes more
than usually untractable. Upon these occasions, I hang up the “jidge”
over the chimney-piece, and the talisman has never failed yet.
'Now, Jack, my constituency live about fleet Street, and those small,
obscure, dingy-looking passages that branch from it on either side. Here
live a class of men who, having begun life as our servants or valets,
are in perfect possession of all our habits of life, our wants, and our
necessities. Having amassed enough by retail robbery of us while in our
service, to establish some petty tavern, or some low livery-stable, they
end by cheating us wholesale, for the loan of our own money, at their
rate of interest. Well aware that, however deferred, we must pay
eventually, they are satisfied--good, easy souls!--to renew and renew
bills, whose current percentage varies from five-and-twenty to forty.
And even, notwithstanding all this, Jack, they are difficult devils
to deal with, any appearance of being hard up, any show of being
out-at-elbows, rendering a negotiation as difficult as the assurance of
a condemned ship for a China voyage. No, my boy; though your house be
besieged by duns, though in every passenger you see a bailiff, and never
nap after dinner without dreaming of the Marshalsea, yet still, the very
moment you cross the precincts of their dwelling, you must put your
care where your cash ought to be--in your pocket. You must wear the easy
smile of a happy conscience, and talk of your want of a few hundreds
as though it were a question of a pinch of snuff, or a glass of
brandy-and-water, while you agree to the exorbitant demands they exact,
with the careless indifference of one to whom money is no object, rather
than with the despair of a wretch who looks for no benefit in life save
in the act for insolvent debtors. This you 'll say is a great bore, and
so I once thought too; now, however, I have got somewhat used to it, and
sometimes don't actually dislike the fun. Why, man, I have been at it
for three months at a time. I remember when I never blew my nose without
pulling out a writ along with my pocket-handkerchief, and I never was in
better spirits in all my life. But here we are. This is Bill Fagan's,
a well-known drysalter; you'll have to wait for me in the front parlour
for a moment while I negotiate with Billy.'
Elbowing our way through a squalid and miserable-looking throng of
people that filled the narrow hall of a house in fleet Street, we forced
on till we reached an inner door in which a sliding panel permitted
those within to communicate with others on the outside. Tapping at this
with his cane, O'Grady called out something which I could not catch, the
panel at once flew back, a red carbuncled face appeared at the
opening, the owner of which, with a grin of very peculiar signification,
exclaimed--' Ah, it's yourself, Captain? Walk in, sir.' With these words
the door was opened, and we were admitted into the inner hall. This was
also crowded, but with a different class from what I had seen without.
These were apparently men in business, shopkeepers and traders, who,
reduced by some momentary pressure, to effect a loan, were content
to prop up their tottering credit by sapping the very core of their
prosperity. Unlike the others, on whom habitual poverty and daily misery
had stamped its heavy impress, and whose faces too, inured to suffering,
betrayed no shame at being seen--these, on the contrary, looked downward
or aside; seemed impatient, fretful, and peevish, and indicated in
a hundred ways how unused they were to exigencies of this nature,
muttering to themselves in angry mood at being detained, and feigning a
resolution to depart at every moment. O'Grady, after a conference of a
few moments with the rubicund Cerberus I have mentioned, beckoned to me
to follow him. We proceeded accordingly up a narrow creaking stair,
into a kind of front drawing-room, in which about a dozen persons were
seated, or listlessly lounging in every imaginable attitude--some on
chairs, some on the window-sills, some on the tables, and one even on
the mantel-piece, with his legs gracefully dangling in front of the
fire. Perfectly distinct from the other two classes I have mentioned,
these were all young men whose dress, look, and bearing bespoke them of
rank and condition. Chatting away gaily, laughing, joking, and telling
good stories, they seemed but little to care for the circumstances which
brought them there; and, while they quizzed one another about their
various debts and difficulties, seemed to think want of money as about
the very best joke a gentleman could laugh at. By all of these O'Grady
was welcomed with a burst of applause, as they eagerly pressed forward
to shake hands with him.
'I say, O'Grady,' cried one, 'we muster strong this morning. I hope
Fagan's bank will stand the run on it. What 's your figure?'
'Oh, a couple of hundred,' said Phil carelessly; 'I have got rather a
heavy book on the steeplechase.'
'So I hear,' said another; 'and they say Ulick Burke won't ride for
you. He knows no one can sit the horse but himself; and Maher, the story
goes, has given him a hundred and fifty to leave you in the lurch!'
'How good!' said Phil, smiling; for although this intelligence came upon
him thus suddenly, he never evinced the slightest surprise nor the most
trifling irritation.
'You'll pay forfeit, of course, Phil,' said the gentleman on the
chimney.
'I fancy not.'
'Then will you take two fifties to one, against your horse?'
'Will you give it?' was the cool reply. 'Yes.'
'And I--and I also,' said different voices round the room.
'Agreed, gentlemen, with all of you. So, if you please, we 'll book
this. Jack, have you got a pencil?'
[Illustration: 202]
As I drew forth my pocket-book I could not help whispering to O'Grady
that there seemed something like a coalition among his opponents. Before
I could conclude, the red face appeared at the door. O'Grady hastily
muttered, 'Wait for me here,' and left the room.
During his absence I had abundant time to study those about me. Indeed,
a perfect sameness in their characters as in their pursuits rendered
it an easy process; for as with unguarded frankness they spoke of
their several difficulties, their stories presented one uniform
feature-reckless expenditure and wasteful extravagance, with limited
means and encumbered fortunes. They had passed through every phase of
borrowing, every mode of raising money, and were now reduced to the last
rung of the ladder of expediency, to become the prey of the usurer, who
meted out to them a few more months of extravagance at the cost of many
a future year of sorrow and repining.
I was beginning to grow impatient as the door gently opened, and I saw
my friend, as he emerged from the back drawing-room. Without losing a
moment's time I joined him. We descended the stairs together, and walked
out into the street.
'Are you fond of pickled herrings, Jack?' said O'Grady, as he took my
arm.
'Pickled herrings! Why, what do you mean?'
'Probably,' resumed he, in the same dry tone of voice, 'you prefer ash
bark, or asafetida?'
'Why, I can't say.'
'Ah, my boy, you 're difficult to please, then. What do you say to whale
oil and Welsh wigs?'
'Confound me if I understand you!'
'Nothing more easy after all, for of each of these commodities I 'm now
a possessor to the amount of some two hundred and twenty pounds. You
look surprised, but such is the nature of our transactions here; and for
my bill of five hundred, payable in six months, I have become a general
merchant to the extent I've told you, not to mention paying eighty
more for a certain gig and horse, popularly known in this city as the
discount dennet. This,' continued he with a sigh, 'is about the tenth
time I've been the owner of that vile conveyance; for you must know
whenever Fagan advances a good round sum he always insists upon
something of this kind forming part of it, and thus, according to the
figure of your loan, you may drive from his door in anything, from a
wheel-barrow to a stage-coach. As for the discount dennet, it is as well
known as the black-cart that conveys the prisoners to Newgate, and the
reputation of him who travels in either is pretty much on a par. From
the crank of the rusty springs, to the limping amble of the malicious
old black beast in the shafts, the whole thing has a look of beggary
about it. Every jingle of the ragged harness seems to whisper in your
ear, “Fifty per cent.”; and drive which way you will, it is impossible
to get free of the notion that you're not trotting along the road to
ruin. To have been seen in it once is as though you had figured in the
pillory, and the very fact of its being in your possession is a blow of
a battering-ram to your credit for ever!'
[Illustration: 205]
'But why venture into it? If you must have it, let it be like the
pickled herrings and the paving-stones--so much of pure loss.'
'The fact is, Jack, it is generally passed off on a young hand, the
first time he raises money. He knows little of the town, less of its
secret practices, and not until he has furnished a hearty laugh to
all his acquaintances does he discover the blunder he has committed.
Besides, sometimes you're hard up for something to carry you about.
I remember once keeping it an entire winter, and as I painted Latitat a
good piebald, and had his legs whitewashed every morning, few recognised
him, except such as had paid for their acquaintance. After this account,
probably, you'll not like to drive with me; but as I am going to
Loughrea for the races, I 've determined to take the dennet down, and
try if I can't find a purchaser among the country gentlemen. And now
let's think of dinner. What do you say to a cutlet at the club, and
perhaps we shall strike out something there to finish our evening?'