Feigning illness to O'Grady as the reason of my not going to the
Rooneys, I kept my quarters for several days, during which time it
required all my resolution to enable me to keep my promise; and scarcely
an hour of the day went over without my feeling tempted to mount my
horse and try if, perchance, I could not catch even a passing look at
her once more. Miss Bellew was the first woman who had ever treated me
as a man; this, in itself, had a strong hold on my feelings; for after
all, what flattery is there so artful as that which invests us with a
character to which we feel in our hearts our pretension is doubtful? Why
has college life, why has the army, such a claim upon our gratitude at
our outset in the world? Is it not the acknowledgment of our manhood?
And for the same reason the man who first accepts our bill, and the
woman who first receives our addresses, have an unqualified right to our
regard for evermore.
It is the sense of what we seem to others that moulds and fashions us
through life; and how many a character that seems graven in letters
of adamant took its type, after all, from some chance or casual
circumstance, some passing remark, some hazarded expression! We begin by
simulating a part, and we end by dovetailing it into our nature; thence
the change which a first passion works in every young mind. The ambition
to be loved and the desire to win affection teach us those ways of
pleasing, which, whether real or affected, become part and parcel of
ourselves. Little know we that in the passion we believe to be the most
disinterested how much of pure egoism is mixed up; and well is it for us
that such is the case. The imaginary standard we set up before ourselves
is a goal to strive for, an object of high hope before us; and few, if
any, of our bolder enterprises in after-life have not their birth in
the cradle of first love. The accolade, that in olden days by its magic
touch converted the humble squire into the spurred and belted knight,
had no such charm as the first beam from a bright eye, when, falling
upon the hidden depths of our heart, it has shown us a mine of rich
thoughts, of dazzling hopes, of bright desires. This indeed is a change;
and who is there, having felt it, has not walked forth a prouder and a
nobler spirit?
Thoughts like these came rushing on my mind as I reflected on my
passion for Louisa Bellew; and as I walked my room my heart bounded with
elation, and my step grew firm in its tread, for I felt that already a
new influence was beaming on me, a new light was shining upon my path
in life. Musing thus, I paid but little attention to my servant who
had just left a letter upon my table; my eye, at length, glanced at the
address, which I perceived was in my mother's handwriting. I opened it
somewhat carelessly, for somehow my dear mother's letters had gradually
decreased in their interest as my anti-Irish prejudices grew weaker by
time; her exclusively English notions I could no longer respond to so
freely as before; and as I knew the injustice of some of her opinions, I
felt proportionably dispose to mistrust the truth of many others.
The letter, as usual, was crossed and recrossed; for nothing, after
all, was so thorough a criterion of fashion as a penurious avoidance
of postage, and in consequence scarcely a portion of the paper was
uncovered by ink. The detail of balls and dinners, the gossip of the
town, the rumoured changes in the ministry--who was to come in and who
to go out; whether Lord Arthur got a regiment, or Lady Mary a son--had
all become comparatively uninteresting to me. What we know and what we
live in, is the world to us; and the arrival of a new bear is as much a
matter of interest in the prairies of the far west as the first night
of a new ballet in the circles of Paris. In all probability, therefore,
after satisfying myself that my friends were well, I should have been
undutiful enough to put my mother's letter to bed in a card-rack without
any very immediate intention of disturbing its slumbers, when suddenly
the word 'Rooney' attracted my eye, and at once awakened my curiosity.
How the name of these people should have come to my mother's
aristocratic ears I could not conceive; for although I had myself begun
a letter about them, yet, on second thoughts, I deemed it better to
consign it to destruction than risk a discovery, by no means necessary.
I now sat patiently down before the fire, resolved to spell over the
letter from beginning to end, and suffer nothing to escape me. All her
letters, like the preamble of a deed, began with a certain formula---a
species of lamentation over her wretched health; the difficulty of her
case, which, consisting in the absence of all symptoms, had puzzled the
Faculty for years long; the inclemency of the weather, which by some
fatality of fortune was sure to be rainy when Dr. Y------ said it ought
to be fine, and oppressively hot when he assured her she required a
bracing element; besides, it was evident the medical men mistook her
case, and what chance had she, with Providence and the College of
Physicians against her! Then every one was unkind--nobody believed her
sick, or thought her valuable life in danger, although from four o'clock
in the afternoon to the same hour the next morning she was continually
before their eyes, driving in the park, visiting, dining, and even
dancing, too; in fact, exerting herself in every imaginable shape and
form for the sake of an ungrateful world that had nothing but hollow
civilities to show her, instead of tears for her sufferings. Skimming
my eye rapidly over this, I came at length to the well-known paragraph
which always concluded this exordium, and which I could have repeated by
heart--the purport of it being simply a prophetic menace of what would
be the state, and what the feelings, of various persons unknown, when at
her demise they discovered how unjustly, how ungenerously, how cruelly,
they had once or twice complimented her upon her health and looks,
during her lifetime. The undying remorse of those unfeeling wretches,
among whom it was very plain my father was numbered, was expatiated
upon with much force and Christian charity; for as certain joint-stock
companies contrive in their advertisements to give an apparent stability
to their firm, by quoting some well-known Coutts or Drummond as their
banker, so my poor mother, by simply introducing the word 'Providence'
into all her worldly transactions, thought she was discharging the most
rigid of Christian duties, and securing a happy retreat for herself when
that day should arrive when neither rouge nor false hair would supply
the deficiencies of youth, and death should unlock the jaw the dentist
had furnished.
After this came the column of court gossip, the last pun of the prince,
and a _mot_ of Mr. Canning. 'We hope,' continued she, 'poor Somerset
will go to Madrid as ambassador: to refuse him would be a great cruelty,
as he has been ordered by his medical men to try a southerly climate.'
Hum; ah!--'Lady Jane to replace Miss Barclay with the Landgravine.' Very
stupid all this. But come, here we have it, the writing too changes as
if a different spirit had dictated it.
'_Two o'clock_. I've just returned from the Grevilles, seriously ill
from the effect of the news that has reached me. Wretched boy! what have
you done? What frightful career of imprudence have you entered upon?
Write to me at once; for although I shall take immediate steps for your
recall, I shall be in a fever of impatience till you tell me all about
it. Poor dear Lord Dudley de Vere, how I love him for the way he speaks
of you! for although, evidently, your conduct to him has been something
very gross, yet his language respecting you is marked not only by
forbearance, but by kindness. Indeed, he attributes the spirit you have
manifested to the instigation of another member of the staff, whose
name, with his habitual delicacy, we could not prevail upon him to
disclose. His account of that wretched country is distressing indeed;
the frightful state of society, the barbarism of the natives, and the
frequency of bloodshed. I shall not close my eyes to-night thinking of
you; though he has endeavoured to reassure me, by telling us, that as
the Castle is a strong place, and a considerable military force always
there, you are in comparative safety. But, my dear child, who are these
frightful Rooneys, with the odious house where all this gambling and
ruin goes forward? How feelingly poor Lord Dudley spoke of the trials
young men are exposed to! His parents have indeed a treasure in him.
Rooney appears to be a money-lender, a usurer--most probably a Jew.
His wretched wife, what can she be? And that designing minx, niece,
daughter, or whatever this Miss Belloo--what a shocking name!--may be?
To think you should have fallen among such people! Lord George's debts
are, they say, very considerable, all owing, as he assures me, to his
unfortunate acquaintance with this Rooney, with whom he appears to have
had bill transactions for some time past. If your difficulties were only
on the score of money I should think little of it; but a quarrelsome,
rancorous spirit, a taste for low company, and vulgar associates, and
a tendency to drink--these, indeed, are very shocking features, and
calculated to inflict much misery on your parents.
'However, let us, as far as possible, endeavour to repair the mishap.
I write by this post to this Mr. Rooney, requesting him to send in his
account to your father, and that in future any dinners, or wine, you may
have at his house will not be paid for, as you are under age. I shall
also let him know that the obscurity of his rank in life, and the
benighted state of the country he lives in, shall prove no safeguard to
him from our vigilance; and as the chancellor dines with us to-morrow, I
think of asking him if he couldn't be punished some way. Transportation,
they tell me, has already nearly got rid of the gypsies. As for
yourself, make your arrangements to return immediately; for, although
your father knows nothing about it, I intend to ask Sir Henry Gordon to
call on the Duke of York, and contrive an exchange for you. How I hate
this secret adviser of yours! how I detest the Rooneys! how I abhor
the Irish! You have only to come back with long hair, and the frightful
accent, to break the heart of your affectionate but afflicted mother.
'Your cousin Julia desires her regards. I must say she has not shown a
due respect to my feelings since the arrival of this sad intelligence;
it is only this minute she has finished a caricature of you making love
to a wild Irish girl with wings. This is not only cruel towards me, but
an unbecoming sarcasm towards a wretched people, to whom the visitations
of Providence should not be made matters of reproach.'
Thus concluded this famous epistle, at which, notwithstanding that
every line offended me deeply, I could not refrain from bursting into
laughter. My opinion of Lord Dudley had certainly not been of the
highest; but yet was I totally unprepared for the apparent depth of
villainy his character possessed. But I knew not, then, how strong an
alloy of cunning exists in every fool; and how, almost invariably, a
narrow intellect and a malevolent disposition are associated in the same
individual.
There is no prejudice more popular, nor is there any which is better
worth refuting, than that which attributes to folly certain good
qualities of heart, as a kind of compensation for the deficiency in
those of the head. Now, although there are of course instances to the
contrary, yet will the fact be found generally true, that mediocrity of
mind has its influence in producing a mischievous disposition. Unable to
carry on any lengthened chain of reasoning, the man of narrow intellect
looks for some immediate result; and in his anxiety to attain his
object, forgetful of the value of both character and credit, he is
prepared to sacrifice the whole game of life, provided he secure but the
odd trick. Besides, the very insufficiency of his resources leads
him out of himself for his enjoyments and his occupations. Watching,
therefore, the game of life, he gradually acquires a certain low and
underhand cunning, which, being mistaken by himself for ability, he
omits no occasion to display; and hence begins the petty warfare of
malice he wages against the world with all the spiteful ingenuity and
malevolence of a monkey.
I could trace through all my mother's letter the dexterity with which
Lord Dudley avoided committing himself respecting me, while his delicacy
regarding O'Grady's name was equally conspicuous to a certain extent. He
might have been excused if he bore no good-will to one or other of us;
but what could palliate his ingratitude to the Rooneys? What could
gloss over the base return he made them for all their hospitalities and
attention? for nothing was more clear than that the light in which he
represented them to my mother made them appear as low and intriguing
adventurers.
This was all bad enough; but what should I say of the threatened letter
to them? In what a position would it place _me_, before those who had
been uniformly kind and good-natured towards me! The very thought of
this nearly drove me to distraction, and I confess it was in no dutiful
mood I crushed up the epistle in my hand, and walked my room in an agony
of shame and vexation.