navigation, etc. I remember one Sabbath day, when I was at Marazion, I
heard some people singing of hymns. I think they were Lady Huntingdon's
people, when sincerely wished I had been one of them. I often[33]
thought there was very great beauty in religion, and when I have been
with others laughing and ridiculing the methodists, wished I had been
one of them, whom I thought best of them. See what hypocrite was here.
I remember aboute a year before this I went with my wife to Caerlean
preaching, on the Sunday afternoon, where I stood as near as I could by
the door. When the word fastened upon my mind, saying, "Thou art the
man." So that I was constrained to turn my face to the wall and weep
bitterly, with promises to mend my life, etc. But, alas! I had not gone
perhaps an hundred yards from the house until I joined my old
companions, so lost all my convictions. That was not the only time by
many when I have set up resolutions in my own strength to serve the
Lord, etc. Well, then, in the course of this time, whilst at this place,
my wife would come to see me, and sometimes bring the child with her,
and spend a day or two, so that I passed my time pleasantly whilst she
was with me. I think it was in the latter end of August my wife was
taken very poorly in consumption, being before of a delicate
constitution, and was allwayse obliged to come and go at night. I think
it was in the beginning of Oct^{r.} in 1788 when I went to Helford to
see her, in company with a servant man to brother John, one night, as
she removed from her own house to be with her mother. I found her in a
very weak state, and as I expected then soon to quit the country, I
stayed with her about two or three hours, when we took our final
farewell of each other, never expecting to see each other no more in
time. Oh, what a trying scene it was, to leave her in flood of tears. So
I arrived home to my dreary solitude a little before day. I, before
then, was greatly distressed for her soul, and through friends desired
Uncle James Thomas to visit her, so he did often. I think it was about
the 10 or 12 of the same month, when I was sitting upon a bench in one
of the ground floors, bemoaning my sad estate, I began to say to myself,
"I have loste my liberty, my property; I have loste my wife also"--as
she was the same as dead to me then--so I thought that if her life were
spared, it mattered little to me if I was to go to the West or East
Indies, so that I could only hear from her by letters, would leave me
some comfart. But that was taken away allso; so that when I was cutt off
from every comfart in this life, that I had not the least straw to lay
hold of, I begun to see the emptiness and vanity of everything here
below, and set up the resolution, God being my Helper, I will serve Him
the remnant of my days, so that I immediately fell to my knees and begun
to say, "Lord have mercy upon me. Christe, have mercey upon me," etc.;
and at that time I could not say the Lord's Prayer without form, if any
man would give me my liberty, being so long living without prayer. So,
then, as before time I used to divert myself in the daytime in looking
at the ships and boats in the bay, the men and cattle working in the
fields, etc., but now shut my eyes against them all; and if I had
business in the daytime to go to the top of the house, was with my eyes
shut. So I went on with the above prayer, sometimes in hope of mercy,
othertimes lost allmoste all hope. Oct^{r.} 24, in 1788, sailed from
Mounts Bay for Leghorn in the ship "George," Capt^{n.} Dewen, master.
Was put on board with a boate from the King's Cove, accompanied by
brother John, and I think I was allmoste like a dead man; thought little
or nothing consarning my wife or child, or anything in this world, but
was earnestely crying for mercy. I had a little cabin to myself to lodge
in, where there was only a single partition between me and the men. At
first it was a great pain to me to hear them swearing, but after a
little while took very little notice of it. I had sume very good books
to read with me, but they seem to be all locked up to me, as the natural
man cannot desarn the things of the Spirit of God, for they are to be
spiritualy desarned. I remember sumetimes reading, when I could not
understand, I should be so peevish and fretfull that I could heave the
book overboard. Then, oh, what a torment in my poor soul I feeled. Then
to think, surely the mercy of God is clean gone from me. Oh, what
burthen my life was unto me. At them times I seldom prayed then less in
secret than twelve times a day and night, and when I could pray with a
little liberty, I should be in hope of mercy, and at other times kneel
down and groan without one word brought to my remembrance, then allmoste
ready to give up all, saying, "Surely there is no mercy for me; all my
prayers is no use at all, God pays no respect unto them"; but still I
dare not give up praying. I could look back afterwards and see I was all
prayer. So I think I arrived at Leghorn in the latter end of December,
where I passed my Christmas. I think the first Sabbath after I came
there the Capt^{n.} asked me to go on shore to church with him, as there
was an English church and clergyman there. I gladly went. The minister
being a good reader, I saw in his countenance much gravity and
solemnity. I said to myself, "Surely this is the man of God," and
thought I was highly favoured to hear him. The next Sunday I gladly
went again, but on coming on board after the service was over, I was
told that sacrament days he did not scruple to go to the plays, and play
cards, etc., which poisoned my mind so with prejudice, I never went
nomore. In the course of all this time I never meet with one person to
give me one word of advice consarning my soul, but I laboured to keep
myself to myself so much as posable, still reading and praying with all
diligence. Well, then, the Capt^{n.} got a freight there to go to
Barcelona, to load with brandy for New York in America. I was very glad
when I heard of it, as I heard that there was methodists there, in hope
I should fall in with sume of them to give me a word of instruction. So
I think we sailed from Leghorn in the latter end of Jan^{y.} 1789. The
Lord still continued to strive with me, sumetimes in hope of salvation,
other times allmoste ready to give up all hope; but I still was diligent
in reading and prayer, but I was so ignorant of the ways of salvation
as I was at the first time I began to pray. I remember on my passage
there one day, scudding before the wind, very cold weather, and a very
big sea, looking over the starn. I thought I should be very glad to be
tyed in a rope and towed after the ship for a fortnight, if that would
get me into the favour of God. But alas! I know all such works would not
merit anything from God as salvation. I arived at New York on the 19
April in '89, and aboute ten or twelve days before I arived there, I was
taken with a violent inflammation in one of my eyes, so I could see very
little on that eye and the other was much afected allso. So after two or
three days being there, there came a glasar[34] on board to put in a
pane of glass in the cabin windows. And as the Capt^{n.} and mate was
not presant, I thought it was my time to enquire out the methodists, and
as shame allways hunted me much, I begun to ask him aboute the defrante
persuasions of people there; at laste I asked, "Is there any of Mr.
Wesly's methodists here?" He answerd, "There is many." I asked him, "Do
you know any of them?" He answered, "Yes, many of them." I asked, "What
sort of people are they?" thinking, if he gave them a bad carakter, to
say no further. His answer, "They are a good sorte of people," so then I
asked him, "Do you know the precher?" He said, "I do, and I go to hear
him sometimes." I said, "Then I shall be obliged to you if you will send
your little boy with me to show me the precher's house." So after he
stared a little at me, said, "If you will stay a little until I have
done this job, I will ither go with you myself or git sume person that
shall." So that encouraged me very much, set me in high spirits, and
after a little further discourse, he told me his wife was a methodist,
and soon after took me to his house, where the dear woman received me
very kindly. And when she know I wanted to speak to the precher, she
asked me if I did belong to the connection in _England_. I answered,
"No, but I wants to speak to the precher." She said, "To-night is
publick meeting night. I will go with you a half hour sooner, when we
shall find Mr. Dickinson home." So accordingly we went together, where I
found the dear man and his wife in the kitchen. As soon as I looked at
him, I said to myself, "This is the man I wants to see; this is the man
of God." I said, "Sir, I should be glad to speak a few words with you."
So as there was no persons presant but his wife and the good woman that
come with me, said, "Say on." I said, "To yourself, if you please, sir."
So he took me into a small parlour and said, "What do you want of me?" I
said, "Sir, I am an Englishman, and belong to a ship in the harbour. I
know I am a great sinner, and as I am informed you belongs to Mr.
Weseley's people, I want to know what I must do." He looked at me and
said, "Do you think God would be just to send you to hell?" I was
surprised at such a question, did not know what answer to make. Then he
begun to say to this purpose, that Christe come to seek and to save that
which was lost, etc. He likewayse asked me, "Do you pray?" I said, "Yes,
a little." "Do you fast too?" said he. I said, "No, sir." So, after
asking me a few more questions he said, "There is a publick prayer
meeting here this evning, you may stay if you please."
So I thought he paid me a very great compliment. I thanked him, and when
the time come, that dear woman took me to the _meeting_ house and put me
in a place to sit down. So after they had sung and prayed, the precher
gave an exhortation, and I thought all to me, so that I was a little
comfarted; and after the meeting was ended, the dear woman took me by
the hand, as I was half blind, and lead me home to her own house; and
the good glasar, her husband, lead me on board, with a strict charge not
to fail coming to see them to-morrow. So I gladly accepted of the
invitation, and when I came there she had brought one of the class
leaders and a good old woman to meet me, who gave me great encouragement
to seek the Lord. My eye still getting worse, and as I could not get
leeches as I used to do at home, applyed to a doctor, and he cutt the
small blood-vessels of the apple of my eye, and so lett the blood out.
So as the ship was going to Baltimore to load, I thought if I went in
her I should be in danger to lose the sight of one eye if not both, as
both was much afected. So, then, I concluded to stay there, where I
attended all the ordinance; some place to go to every night. And I think
it was aboute the 1 of May when I was asked if I would have a note of
admittance to meet in class. I thought it to be the greatest compliment
I ever received in all my life, and gladly accepted it; so that when the
leader asked my name, as he took me in surprize, I said "Harry." He
said, "Is that your sir name?" I said, "Yes." Then he asked, "What is
your Christian name?" I said, "Henry." So the people called me, sume
Mr. Harry and sume Capt^{n.} Harry, as the sailors I come with me _caled
me_ Capt^{n.} Harry; so that in the course of a very little time I got
more acquaintance with them dear people. I could see afterwards I was
hungering and thirsting after righteousness, but sometimes in hope of
mercy, othertimes allmoste ready to give up all. I used to walk out of
town every morning in sume solitary place to myself to read and pray;
and I know since that time if I wanted to know when the clock struck
twelve in order to go home, that the family should not wait for me for
dinner--I did hardely know much better when the clock had done striking
no more than when it begun--I had not the time to count two, for all my
soul was in a blaze of prayer. I think in the beginning of May, Doctor
Cook[35] come there to hold confarence. I wished to make myself known
unto him, but was afraid, as at that time I know very little aboute the
methodists--afraid of the shaking of a leaf. And for all[36] I was so
highly favoured with so much helps and means I could form no idea of
justifying faith. Sometimes I thought I should here as a man's voice to
speak unto me, other times think to see something with my bodily eyes,
other times think as if my body should be changed. I have thought many
times that there never was one so ignorant as I was in the ways of
salvation. Sometimes, if I could weep a little under a sarmon, or in a
prayer meeting, I should have some hope I was in the way, and sumetimes
feel the drawings of the Father, which would give me sume encouragement
and hope; other times, if I saw any persons weeping by me, should
complain of the hardness of my heart, and be allmoste ready to give up
all. Nevertheless I still continued praying--I supose seldom less than
twelve times in aday--and sometimes think whether the hindrance was
because I missed naming myself. Well, then, I have thought many a time
since of my unwillingness to belief, for all I was blessed with so many
helps and means. The prechers, and aboute six or seven people in
particular, took me by the hand and was like fathers, mothers, brothers,
and sistars, so that I often in the afternoon amongst sume of them dear
women and the prechers, drinking tea, &c.; and if I should sit with them
more than an half hour without sume of them should ask me something of
the state of my mind, I should be so much dejected, and say to myself,
"Surely I am beneath the least of their notice; how can I expect the
least of their notice?" and I remember one day went to the hospital to
preching. When the preching was over, the two prechers, Mr. Morld and
Mr. Cloude, in their way home, I drew nigh to them; thought to have some
conversation with them, and as they used to make so free with me, then
only spoke as I thought coldly. I was so much dejected in my own mind,
I thought I was the worst creature that ever was born, and that allmoste
all things cryed vengance against me. Another time I remember I went to
the precher's house to inquire after Mr. Cooper, he not being there that
presant, and as I went out to one door he came in to the other, I not
seeing him.
Mr. Morld said to him, "Brother Carter was here inquiring after you." I
heard him, and was immediately struck with wonder to think a such man as
he should be so humble as to call a such poor creature as me, brother.
So these was some of the ways I was tryed. Some times up, sume times
down, sume times in hope and sume times allmoste ready to give up.
Notwithstanding all this I continued still in prayer, and I remember
when walked the streets I was like one with his eyes shut, crying for
salvation, and likewayse crying to the Lord that there might nothing
take my attention or the least of my afection from Him in this world. I
think I was there aboute three or four weeks, when I was asked why I did
not go to sacrament. I answered, "I am unworthy." The person answered,
"You are the very person that is worthy." So as he could not prevail
upon me to go, he told the preachers of it, and after class meeting on
the Sabbath morning, as they was going to a friend's house to breakfast,
asked me to go with them. They soon opened their commission, and asked
me to come to the sacrement to-day. I answered, I could not. They asked
my reason. I said, "Him that eateth and drinketh unworthy, eateth and
drinketh his own damnation," and immediately I burst out in a flood of
tears, and desired the company to pray for me. The whole large company
kneeled down, and prayed for me with great powar, so that I had not the
only wet face by many in the company, and after prayer took me to
reason, so I consented to go. And I went with much fear and trembling. I
feeled nothing particular in the ordinance, but ever after continued to
go. I think it was in the beginning of June I begun to abstain from
eating, and as I eate to the full before, I slackoned a little every
meal. I was afraid to fast for fear the family should take notice of me;
and aboute this time I sent home for sume money, then thinking to set on
a shop in C^{o.} with Rob^{t.} Snow, then thinking to leave my bones
there. So I still went on sume times thinking I was getting into
lukewarm state, other times a little hope of mercy, and sume times
allmoste despair of all mercy. But I remember 19 July I went to
preaching as usual, when, as the preacher was pointing out the
odiousness of sin, and the hartfeelt sorrow that a true penitent soul
feeled for it, he mentoned of a woman that had a cancer cutt out of her
breast a few days before, and when she was asked if the pain was not
very great, her answer was, "Not so great as when I was under
convictions for sin." I immediately concluded I was out of the way. I
had hardley the least hope left of Christ, Heaven, or happyness. So in
my way home in company with Mr. Cooper, a little before we parted he
said, "Capt^{n.}, what is the matter? You seem to be lowspirited
to-night." I answered, "Yes, and well I may." He said, "What then is the
matter?" I said "Did you not hear Mr. Morel saying aboute the woman that
had the cancer cutt out of her breast, and I am sure I am not in the
way, I never feeled such pain at all," etc. He said, "I am sure you are
in the way," and then begun to repeat the promises, etc. I thought I had
heard the same promises repeated hundreds of times before, but never in
such manner as at presant. Hope sprung up that the blessing was very
near to me. I went home to my lodgings, and after prayer opened the
Hymbook to--
Salvation, oh the joyfull sound,
What music to our ears;
A sovereign Balm for every wound,
A cordial for our fears.
Glory, honour, etc. etc.[37]
I was allmoste ready to fly away. I went to bed, but did hardly sleep
all the night, praying and praising God. Never the less in all this I
did not believe that my sins was pardoned, but I hope God would do it,
and that soon. In the morning went to the man of God, told him how I
feeled, to which he gave me great encouragement. The next night went to
preaching aboute two miles out of town. I was still very comfartable,
but could not believe. The next day being 21, aboute two or three
o'clock in the afternoon, I went to pray that God would show me the
hindrance that stood between him and my soul, and that he would show me
by that man of God, or by some other means. After I rose up from my
knees I went to the man of God. He saw me coming, and asked me with a
smile, "Well, Captain, how is it with you now?" I answered, "I have been
just now praying that God would show me the hindrance that stands
between him and my soul, and take it away from me." He answered in his
usual pleasant way, "Nothing at all, Captain, only unbelief; but I
would advise you to spend moste of this afternoon in prayer, that God
would show you under the sarmon, or by some other means, before you go
to bed," etc. So I did according to his direction, and in the evning
went to preching in great expectation. And when Mr. Morel delivered his
text from the 15 chapter St. John, "Abide in me and I in you," and as he
went on a little, I thought, surely this is for me. Hope sprung up; but
after a little further I thought Mr. Cooper had been telling the precher
of what I had told him, which set me in doubting. But after he went on a
little further, I said to myself, "Whether he have told him or not, it
is for me," and I believed in that moment, so that I rejoiced with joy
unspeakable and full of glory. As soon as the sarvice was ended, lest
Satan should get an advantage over me, I told the preacher what the Lord
had done for me, and immediately Mr. Cooper, so that we rejoiced
greately together, to which the latter told me, "You must go in the
morning to such and such a ones" (mentioned six or seven houses), "and
tell them what the Lord have done for you, and forget not to sing and
pray with them." So I went according to his order, and told them that I
had received the comforter, so that we had a happy morning together.
Well, then, I went on my way rejoicing, no doubts, no fears, nither
hardly a temptation, until the end of ten or twelve days. So then I went
on, sume times on the mount with Peter and John, some times in doubts
and fears; and if I did not allwayse find my mind in a blaze of prayer
unto God, I frequent used to say to myself, "Now I am surely getting
into a lukewarm state," and so write bitter things against myself.
Aboute this time I begun to fast once a week, until aboute four o'clock
in the afternoon, and abstain to nearly half my fill. I think it was in
the later end of Augst when I received a letter from my mother-in-law
consarning my wife's death. I soon begun to reason if she was gone happy
or not, so that in the course of a few days after I used to go out by
night, and looking up towards heaven, wishing and praying to see her
vision, or to know by some means whether she was gone happy or not. And
one night, before I went to bed, I prayed earnestely to the Lord if he
would show me by dream or by vision. So that night I dreamed I was
amongst serpents and vipars, and the worst of venemest beasts, that I
had the hardest struggels to get clear of them, so when I awaked I was
in a lake of sweat from head to foot. Then I thought I had not done
according to the will of God. I continued in that state, with my harp
hanged upon the willows, could not sing one note for a thousand worlds
for all so much delight I took in it in times past, keep it all this
time to myself, so that I got myself into such wilderness state that I
could hardly tell if I was in the favour of God or not. But I think it
was to the end aboute fourteen days I opened my mind to Mrs. Snow, who
said, "By your own account your wife had good morals, and she _had_ also
the preachers and people to pray and instruct her; I have a good hope
she is gone happy. Nevertheless, whether or not, you must leave that to
God, it is a business you must have nothing at all to do with; and if
you continue to go on in this way, I am in doubt as you are in danger to
lose all your Religion." So we kneeled down and she prayed for me, and
immediately I went to a prayer meeting. The first hymn was,
My God, the spring of all my joy,
The life of my delights, etc.
I sung with a loud voice but with a wet face, so that the temptation
left me. Glory be to God for dear friends, etc. So I went on as before,
some times happy and other times in doubts and fears, but still getting
a little strength.
I think it was aboute this time that I left of drinking water, and I
think it was in the beginning of September I concluded in my mind to
quit the town and go to Baltimore; and as there was a ship bound there I
spoke for a passage, and got most things ready for the voyage. But oh!
what a tryal it was to me to think of leaving of my New York friends,
where the Lord had helped me in such abundant manner, and then to go 700
miles from there to a place and people I knew nothing of. I begun to
reason as before with the enemy of my soul, "Surely at last I shall
become a castaway, surely I shall be stripped of all my Religion!" I
suppose no man can conceive the misery I feeled in my own mind for the
course of aboute ten or twelve days; I have thought since that I never
had a greater tryal. But to the end of this time one night I went to
preching, where Mr. Asbery,[38] with his great loud voice, gave out this
hymn--
Tho' troubles assail and dangers afright,
If friends all should fail and foes all unite,
Yet one thing assures us, what ever betide,
I trust in all dangers the Lord will provide,
etc., etc.[39]