I have written, and it seems to me as if I had said nothing; I have not
written during the past week, because I found no words to express my
thoughts.... I am happy, and language, which is eloquent in the
expression of sorrow, has no tongue for joy and happiness.
Last week, I took up my pen to write, but I soon gave up the attempt; my
feelings and ideas were confused with their own constant repetition and
renewal, and when my poor head would have presided over the arrangement
of the words, my heart melted into hopes and desires.... I can write
to-day, because the fear of misfortune, of some sudden catastrophe, has
seized upon me.... If he should cease to love me!...
The royal princes, Clement and Albert, arrived last Thursday. There have
been hunting parties without intermission. Prince Martin had sent for
plenty of wild animals; they were let loose in the park, and the princes
have had as much as they could do. My maid tells me the princes Clement
and Albert leave this morning; my first thought was that he would go
too.... Happiness has entirely absorbed me during the past week;
happiness, unalloyed by a single fear; my cares too as mistress of the
house (for since the princess's accident I have taken her place) have
left me not a moment unemployed!... And now, these few words uttered by
my maid have completely unsettled my mind: Great Heaven, if he were to
go too! For whom would I wake in the morning, for whom would I dress
with so much care, for whom would I strive to be more beautiful? Ah!
without him, I can see but death and a void which nothing can fill!... I
grow faint.... I must open the window.... I breathe, and already feel
better.
It is only six o'clock, and yet I see a white handkerchief floating from
the window of the pavilion. That is his daily signal, to say good
morning. I will never confess to him that my awakening each day preceded
his.... But who is that man running toward the castle; I know him
well--his favorite huntsman; he brings me a bouquet of fresh flowers;
they must have been sent for to an orangery four leagues from here....
How silly and unjust I was to torment myself so! He is still here, no
one has told me that he is going, he will doubtless remain a long
time.... Ah yes, some days of happiness will still be granted
me--perhaps some weeks.