We leave Warsaw to-morrow; I am going with the prince and princess to
their estate at Opole. My father has written to the princess to say that
I may remain with her so long as my presence may be agreeable to her. I
hope she will never be dissatisfied with me; I endeavor to please her in
every possible way. She inspires me with infinite fear and respect; she
controls me entirely, and I am always ready to yield to the lightest
expression of her will; when she smiles upon me, when she looks at me
kindly, it seems to me as if heaven were opening before me. If I should
ever reach an advanced age, I would like to inspire the same feelings
which I experience toward her. The prince royal himself is afraid of the
princess.
Would any one believe that I am glad to think that I shall not now go to
Maleszow? I dread the home of my childhood; it seems to me as if I
should profane it were I to visit it with a heart so filled with unrest
and disquietude!
Ought I to regret the past? Will a life of torment be the price of a
single ray of happiness enlightening the highest pinnacle of human
felicity? If the wish which I dare not express should ever be
accomplished, I will surely be equal to my position; but I will also
know how to bear the shipwreck of my dearest hopes.... Great God, how
can I write, how dare I confide to paper what I fear to confess to
myself! When I think of him, I tremble lest any one should divine my
feelings, and yet I write!... If my journal were to fall into any one's
hands I should be deemed mad, or at least most foolishly presumptuous; I
must shut it up under four locks.