Easter week is over, and I am really sorry; I had found happiness in
repose, and already have care and disquiet won their way into my heart
and my mind.... How many sins I have committed! Poor humanity! poor
nature, so frail and weak! Notwithstanding my promises and the
resolutions which I fancied so strong, I yield to the least temptation.
For example, and it is indeed incredible, but a fact, that on Holy
Thursday, the very day after my confession, I sinned, and sinned through
pride. I should have worn black when I went to be present at the court
ceremony, but I could not resist the seduction of a beautiful costume.
Just as I was beginning my preparations, the Princess Lubomirska entered
my room, accompanied by her maids, who brought me a charming dress of
white velvet, with a long train, and trimmed with white roses; the
headdress consisted of a garland of white roses, and a long white blonde
veil. The taste and richness of this costume surpasses description! How
could I resist the happiness of seeing myself so becomingly attired!
I asked the princess why she required me to wear so brilliant a costume
to church; she replied that on Holy Thursday it was customary after the
service to go into the great hall of the castle, where the king would
wash the feet of twelve old men, in commemoration of the humility of our
Saviour, and that he would also wait upon them at table. During this
pious and edifying ceremony, a young girl belonging to one of the
noblest families must make a collection for the poor; the king himself
names the lady, and this year he was pleased to honor me by his
selection; he at the same time announced that the results of my efforts
should be given to the hospital for the poor under the Abbé Baudoin's
charge.
I was very happy as I listened to the princess; but, must I confess it?
I was not happy through the good action I was about to perform; I
thought only of myself, of my beauty, of the charming costume, of the
effect I should produce among all the other women dressed in black, and
I rejoiced to think that I should be the most beautiful. What culpable
vanity! And on Holy Thursday! But at least I frankly admit my sin, and
humiliate myself for it.
My collection surpassed my hopes. I received nearly four thousand
ducats. Prince Charles Radziwill said, as he put his hand to his purse:
'My dear (Panie Kochanku, his favorite expression), one must give
something to so beautiful a lady;' and he threw five hundred gold pieces
on my plate, which would have fallen from my hands had I not been aided
in holding it. When I began my collection, I was very much embarrassed;
I trembled all over, and blushed at each new offering I received; but by
degrees I gained courage, and profited by my dancing master's lessons.
The grand marshal of the court gave me his hand, and named each lord as
he repeated the customary formula employed in handing them the plate; as
for me, I could not have said a word; I found it quite enough to make a
proper and becoming courtesy to each one. When the plate became too
heavy, the marshal emptied it into a large bag, borne behind us.
I heard many compliments, and I was more looked at and admired than I
ever had been before in my life. The prince royal said to me: 'If you
had asked each of us to give you his heart, no one could have refused
you.'