MANNERS

"There is something higher in Politeness than Christian moralists have

recognized. In its best forms, as a simple, out-going, all-pervading

spirit, none but the truly religious man can show it; for it is the

sacrifice of self in the little habitual matters of life,--always the

best test of our principles,--together with a respect, unaffected, for

man, as our brother under the same grand destiny."--C. L. BRACK.

"Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase,

barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible

operation, like that of the air we breathe in."--BURKE.

* * * * *

Manners are the most external manifestation by which men display their

individual peculiarities of mind and heart; and unless used artificially

to conceal the true Character, they form a transparent medium through

which it is exhibited.

It has been sarcastically asserted, that few persons exist who can

afford to be natural; and it is probable that if the human race were to

allow their manners to be perfectly natural; that is, were they to allow

all the passions of the soul to display themselves without restraint in

their manners, social intercourse would become insupportable. Among

the merely worldly, the difference between an ill-bred and a well-bred

person is that the former displays his discomfort, ill-humor, or

selfishness in his Manners, while the latter conceals them all under a

veil of suavity and kindness. Selfishness prompts the one to be rude,

and the other to be hypocritical, and each is alike unworthy of

commendation.

Manners are the garments of the spirit; the external clothing of the

being, in which Character ultimates itself. If the Character be simple

and sincere, the Manners will be at one with it; will be the natural

outbirth of its traits and peculiarities. If it be complex and

self-seeking, the Manners will be artificial, affected, or insincere.

Some persons make up, put on, take off, alter, or patch their Manners to

suit times and seasons, with as much facility, and as little apparent

consciousness of duplicity, as if they were treating their clothes in

like fashion. If an individual of this class is going to meet company

with whom he wishes to ingratiate himself, he puts on his most polished

Manners, as a matter of course, just as he puts on his best clothes;

and when he goes home, he puts them off again for the next important

occasion. For home use, or for associating with those about whose

opinion he is indifferent, no matter how rude the Manners, or how

uncared for the costume. Perhaps the rudeness may chance to come out in

some overt act that will not bear passing over in silence, and then the

perpetrator utters an "excuse me," that reminds one of a bright new

patch set upon an old faded garment. Not that such a patch is unworthy

of respect when worn by honest poverty, and set on with a neatness that

makes it almost ornamental. This is like the "excuse me" of a truly,

well-bred man, apologizing for an offence he regrets; while the "excuse

me" of the habitually rude man is like the botched patch of the sloven

or the beggar, who wears it because the laws of the land forbid

nakedness.

The fine lady of this class may be polished to the last degree, when

arrayed in silks and laces she glides over the rich carpets of the

drawing-room; and yet, with her servants at home, she is possibly less

the lady than they; or worse still, this fine lady, married, perhaps, to

a fine gentleman of a character similar to her own, in the privacy of

domestic life carries on a civil war with him, in which all restraint of

courtesy is set aside.

There is so much undeniable hypocrisy in the high-bred courtesy of

polished society, that among many religious persons there has come to

be an indifference, nay, almost an opposition, to Manners that savor of

elegance or courtliness. If, however, Christian charity reign within,

rudeness or indifference cannot reign without. One may as well look for

a healthy physical frame under a skin revolting from disease, as for a

healthy moral frame under Manners rude and discourteous; for Manners

indicate the moral temperament quite as accurately as the physical

temperament is revealed by the complexion. Selfishness and arrogance

of disposition express themselves in indifferent, rude, or overbearing

Manners; while vanity and insincerity are outwardly fawning and

sycophantic. If Christian charity reign in the heart, it can fitly

express itself only in Manners of refinement and courtesy; and the

Christian should not be unwilling to wear such Manners in all sincerity,

because the worlding assumes them to serve his purposes of selfishness.

Worldly wisdom ever pays Virtue the compliment of imitation; but that is

no good reason why Virtue should hesitate to appear like herself. The

best Manners possible are the simple bringing down of the perfect law of

charity into the most external ultimates of social life. Until Character

tends at all times, and in all places, and towards all persons, to

ultimate itself in Manners of thorough courtesy, it is not building

itself upon a sure foundation. The ultimates of all things serve as

their basis and continent; therefore must true charity of heart be built

upon and contained within true charity of Manner.

When we are in doubt regarding the value of any particular trait of

Character, we can generally find the solution of our difficulty by

working out an answer to the question, How does it affect our usefulness

in society? There are three modes in which we express ourselves towards

those with whom we come in contact in the family and social relations of

life,--Action, Conversation, and Manners. The importance of ordering

the first two of these expressions aright can hardly be doubted by any

thinking being; but that conscience has anything to do with Manners

would probably be questioned by many. Let us ascertain the moral bearing

of Manners by the test just indicated.

What effect have our Manners upon our usefulness as social beings?

Conversation is in general the expression of our thoughts; much more

seldom do we express our affections in words. Manners, on the contrary,

are the direct expression of our affections. They are to Action what

tone is to Conversation. Many persons may be found who make use of

falsehood in their Conversation, but very few who can lie in the tones

of their voice. So many persons can act hypocritically, but there are

comparatively few whose Manners are habitually deceitful. Our words and

actions are more easily under our control than our tones and manners;

because the former are more the result of Thought, while the latter

are almost entirely the result of Affection. Although few persons are

distinctly aware of this difference, every one is powerfully affected by

it. There is no physical quality more powerful to attract or to repel

than the tones of the voice; and this power is all the stronger because

both parties are usually unconscious of it; and so mutually act and are

acted upon, simply and naturally, without effort or resistance. Thus

conversation often owes its effect less to the words used than to the

tones in which they are uttered. An unpalatable truth may come without

exciting any feeling of irritation or opposition from one who speaks

with a tone of voice expressive of the benevolent affections, and

produce much good; while the very same words, uttered in a tone of

asperity or bitterness, may exasperate the hearer, and be productive

only of harm. It has already been said, that Manners bear the same

relation to life that tone bears to conversation; and a good life loses

great portion of the power it might exert over those who come within the

influence of its sphere if it ultimate itself in ungracious or repulsive

Manners. In the old English writers we often find persons characterized

as Christian gentlemen or Christian ladies; and courtesy seems formerly

to have been clearly understood to be a Christian virtue. Our conflict

with, and our escape from, the aristocracy and privileges of rank of

older nations has caused a reaction, not only against them, but also

against the external politeness which was connected with them, and

which was, and is too often, though certainly not always, false and

hypocritical; and thus the growth of republican principles has had the

effect to diminish the respect once entertained for good Manners, and

the mass of our countrymen seem to look upon politeness as an antiquated

remnant of a past age, which the present has outgrown as entirely as

wigs and hoop-petticoats. It is, however, a curious feature in the

change, that at no previous time have the titles of gentleman and lady

been so universally and pertinaciously assumed as at the present. The

rudest even are resentful at being called simply men or women, while

they unconsciously show the weakness of their claim to a higher title by

denying it to those who they assume are no better than themselves. The

often-repeated anecdote of the Yankee stage-driver who asked of the Duke

of Saxe Weimer, "Are you the man that wants an extra coach?" and on

being answered in the affirmative, said, "Then I am the gentleman to

drive you," is an illustration of what is going on continually around

us. A large proportion of the members of one half of society stands in

perpetual fear that those in the other half do not esteem them gentlemen

and ladies; and yet it seldom seems to occur to them to substantiate

their claim to the coveted title by that cultivation of good Manners,

which can alone make it theirs of right.

The artificial Manners and laws of social life are so overloaded with

conventionalisms, and a knowledge of these is so often made a test of

good-breeding, that much confusion of opinion exists regarding the

requisites that constitute the true gentleman and lady. These titles

belong to something real, something not dependent on the knowledge and

practice of conventionalisms that change with every changing season,

but to substantial qualities of Character which are the same yesterday,

to-day, and to-morrow.

The foundation of good Manners is the sincere acknowledgment that we are

all children of one great family, all one band of brothers, each having

a right to receive from the rest all the consideration and forbearance

that can be given him without diminishing the portion that belongs to

the others. The rich complain of the envy and jealousy of the poor, and

the poor murmur because of the arrogance and haughtiness of the rich;

yet if those among the two classes who are guilty of these vices were to

change positions, they would change vices too; for arrogance _in_ the

possessor and envy _towards_ the possessor of wealth are but differing

phases of a love for wealth based on the love for that consideration

in society which it gives, and not for the power it yields of added

usefulness.

The ill-bred fashionist sails haughtily into the shop where she obtains

materials for her adornment, and with a supercilious air purchases her

ribbons and laces of a sulky girl, who revenges herself for not being

able to wear the costly gauds by treating as rudely as she dares the

customer who can; and as they look upon each other, the one with scorn,

and the other with envious hate, we see in both only the very same

littleness of feminine vanity, which in its narrow-minded silliness

believes that the first requisite of a lady is costly garments.

It would be a great mistake to suppose that in our higher society there

are no good Manners, none that are really good in essence and purpose,

as well as in form; and it would be an equal mistake to suppose, that in

all society of lower caste there is either a want of true refinement or

an envy and distrust of all that is above it; but it is also true that

there is a magic circle known as "genteel," and a perpetual antagonism

prevails here between those who are within and those who desire

admittance, but are refused; as there are literary circles where

contentions and envyings arise between pedantic scholarship and assuming

ignorance.

The ill-breeding so often complained of in the intercourse between the

different classes of society, and by none more indignantly than those

who exercise it most, results from the factitious value set upon the

externals of life by those who estimate them in proportion as they give

distinction among men, and not as they increase the means of happiness

and usefulness in this world, and so prepare us for the usefulness and

happiness of the world to come.

Those among the poor, the ignorant, and the vulgar, whose hearts are

burning with envy and hatred; and those among the rich, the learned, and

the fashionable, who are rendered arrogant and supercilious by their

possessions, are alike unconscious of the true worth of the blessings

that excite the covetousness of the one class and the exultation of the

other. Each party values man for his possessions, and not for the use

that he makes of them; for what he has, and not for what he is. Where

this is the case, mutual aversion ultimating itself on both sides in

acts of discourtesy, will ever keep alive a spirit of antagonism among

the various classes of society; and this will disappear in proportion as

society becomes sufficiently Christianized to perceive and acknowledge

that every human being is worthy of respect so far as he fulfils the

duties of his station; and that we cannot be discourteous even towards

the evil and the unfaithful, without indulging feelings of pride and

disdain that are incompatible with Christian meekness.

In the social intercourse of equals, and in domestic life, ill-temper,

selfishness, and indifference, which is a negative form of selfishness,

are the principal sources of ill-breeding. Where the external forms of

courtesy are not observed in the family circle, we are almost sure to

find perpetually recurring contention and bickering. Rudeness is a

constant source of irritation; because, however little the members of a

family regard politeness, each will have his own way of being rude,

and each will probably be disgusted or angry at some portion of the

ill-breeding of all the rest. Rudeness is always angular, and its

sharp corners produce discomfort whenever they come in contact with a

neighbor. Politeness presents only polished surfaces, and not only never

intrudes itself upon a neighbor, but is rarely obtruded upon; for there

is no way so effectual of disarming rudeness as by meeting it with

thorough politeness; for the rude man can fight only with his own

weapons.

Indifference of Manner exhibits a disregard for the comfort and pleasure

of those around us, which, though not so obtrusive as rudeness, shows an

egotism of disposition incompatible with brotherly love. If we love our

neighbor as ourself, we cannot habitually forget his existence so far

as to annoy him by neglecting to perform, the common courtesies of life

towards him, or interfere with what he is doing by not perceiving that

we are in his way.

If we would be thoroughly well-bred, we must be so constantly. It is not

very difficult to distinguish in society between those whose manners are

assumed for the occasion and those who wear them habitually. The former

are apt to forget themselves occasionally, or they overact their part,

or if they succeed in sustaining a perfect elegance of deportment that

is really pleasing as an effort of art, they always want the grace of

naturalness and simplicity which belongs to the Manners of those who

have made courtesy and refinement their own by loving them. It is only

when we act as we love to act, that our Manners are truly our own. If we

cultivate the external forms of politeness from an indirect motive, that

is, from the love of approbation, or from pride of character, it is the

reward we love, and not the virtue; and if we gain this reward, it is

only external and perishable; and is of no benefit to our character, but

the reverse, for it ministers only to our pride. If, on the contrary,

we cultivate politeness with simplicity, because we believe it to be a

virtue, and love it for its own sake, we are sure of the reward of an

added grace of character, which can never be taken from us, because it

is a part of ourselves; and though we may enjoy the external rewards if

they come, we shall not be disturbed if they do not; because these were

not the motives that induced our efforts.

Politeness, where it is loved and cultivated with simplicity for its own

sake, gives a repose and ease of action to the moral being which may be

compared to the comfort and satisfaction resulting to the physical

frame from habits of personal cleanliness. The moral tone is elevated

and refined by the one, as the animal functions are purified and renewed

by the other.

As in civil life liberty to the whole results from the subjection of

the evil passions of all to legal enactments, so in social life every

individual is free and at ease in proportion as all the rest are subject

to the laws of courtesy. Ease and freedom are the result of order,

and it is as incorrect to call rude Manners free and easy, as to call

licentiousness liberty. No man is truly free who allows his sphere of

life to impinge upon that of his neighbor. Fluids are said to move

easily because each particle is without angular projections that prevent

it from gliding smoothly with or by its companions; and in like manner

the ease of society depends on the polish of each individual. If the

units of society seek their own selfish indulgence, without regard to

the rights of the neighbor, the whole must form a mass of grating atoms

in which no one can be free, or at ease.

Indifference, ill-temper, selfishness, envy and arrogance, all positive

vices, are the characteristics that ultimate themselves in ill-manners.

Rudeness is, as it were, the offensive odor exhaled from the corrupt

fruit of an evil tree; and he who would be a branch of the true vine

must remember, whenever he is tempted to do a rude thing, that he will

never yield to such temptation unless there is hidden somewhere upon his

branch fruit that should be cut off and cast into the fire.

The Christian gentleman and lady are such because they love their

neighbor as themselves; and to be a thorough Christian without being

a gentleman or lady is impossible. Wherever we find the rich without

arrogance, and the poor without envy, the various members of society

sustaining their mutual relations without suspicion or pretension, the

family circle free from rivalry, fault-finding, or discord, we shall

find nothing ungentle, for there the spirit of Christianity reigns. He

who is pure in heart can never be vulgar in speech, and he who is meek

and loving in spirit can never be rude in manner.