_Women and Children_
Different Ways of Wooing
The Diplomat says:—“Oh, let us form an everlasting alliance.”
The Soldier:—“You gave my heart an incurable wound; or ‘you came; I saw;
you conquered.’”
The Doctor:—“Only you can cure my suffering heart.”
The Florist:—“Just one word from your lips and our path through life
shall be strewn with roses.”
The Builder:—“Let us plan our cottage together.”
The Sailor:—“Loveliest maiden, united to you, I could brave all the
storms of life.”
The Jeweler:—“This single band shall form a golden chain.”
The Scientist:—“Ah, let me explore your heart and read my happiness in
your eyes.”
The Sculptor:—“If your heart is not of marble, let my image dwell
therein.”
The Baker:—“Will you share my bread in joy and sorrow?”
The Candlemaker:—“You shall be the light of my life.”
A Pretty Compliment
Lady:—“The gentleman will surely buy this small bouquet!”
Gentleman:—“Certainly, madam, how much is it?”
Lady:—“Suppose we say twenty marks?”
Gentleman:—“Madam, that is too dear for me!”
Lady (pressing a kiss on the flowers):—“And now, sir?”
Gentleman (turning away):—“Now it is altogether beyond my means.”
A Habit of His
“My lady, there is a gentleman down-stairs, who wishes to see you!”
“Did he not give you his name?”
“No; he said it was not necessary.”
“You do not know him?”
“No; he pinched my arms and cheeks.”
“Oh, that is my brother Gustave.”
Tender-hearted
Young Housewife:—“Why Nanny, how can you be so heartless as to throw
those poor lobsters at once into boiling water? They ought to be put on
in fresh water so they could get used to the heat by degrees!”
When the Tide Comes In
He:—“I am going to take a bottle of sea-water home with me as a souvenir
from Norderney!”
She:—“But don’t fill it quite full, or it will burst on us when the tide
comes in.”
Malady to Suit the Place
“So that is why you are in the dumps, my dear; you want to go to
Wiesbaden, and are ordered to Ems. Don’t be offended, but if ever I pay a
yearly salary to my family physician, and should want to go to a certain
watering place, I would see that he found the proper malady for it.”
He Knew
Father:—“Karl, the stork brought you a little brother last night.”
Karl:—“I know it.”
Father:—“How’s that?”
Karl:—“I heard you say to the stork as he flew away, ‘Won’t you take an
umbrella; it is raining very hard.’”
A Protection
Lady:—“Were you not afraid to travel with your wife through the Abruzzen?”
Gentleman:—“Oh no! my mother-in-law always sat with the driver.”
Would Change His Mind
“I assure you, my friend, my son is dead in love with that actress. He
has told me repeatedly that he could not live without her.”
“Well, then let him marry her, and he will soon learn to!”
Retaliation
A farmer had worked all day in the field in storm and rain, and in the
evening, came home very tired, and wet to the skin. At the door, his dear
wife who had been in the house all day met him, and said: “Dear husband,
it has been raining so hard that I could not fetch any water, and so was
not able to cook a soup for you. Since you are so wet, fetch a couple of
pails; you can’t get any wetter.”
There was no disputing this fact, so the man took the pails and went to
the distant pump. When he returned to the house, his wife sat cozily by
the fire; so he took one pail after the other, poured the water over his
wife and said: “Now you are just as wet as I am, and you can fetch the
water yourself. You can’t get any wetter.”
Suited the Case
Sophie (to her elderly maiden aunt):—“Auntie, is not ‘to leave’
conjugated: I leave, I left, I have been left?”
A Worthy Setting
Women are the pearls of creation, and, as such, expect to be set in gold.
Women’s Rights
Since the fair sex has been talking so much about women’s rights, there
are fewer of the “right women” on earth.
Depends on the Age
When the suitor appears, the belle of seventeen asks: “Who is he?”—of
twenty-five: “What is he?”—and after ten years more: “Where is he?”
Extract From a Love-Letter
“Beloved Anton! I waited in the rain for you to-day at the corner. I hope
you have been ill. Shall come again to-morrow. Your true Anna.”
Economical Unhappiness
Wife:—“I don’t know what is the matter with our Clara; she does not wish
to go to the balls; she is indifferent to dress; the theatre no longer
gives her pleasure; and now she even refuses to go to a watering-place
for the summer. The girl must love unhappily.”
Husband:—“Good gracious! how economical! Sarah, could not you love me
unhappily for once?”
Not What He Expected
Admirer:—“It gives me the most exquisite pleasure to hear you say that
you discover daily how much I am like your sainted husband. Might I ask
in what I resemble him?”
Young widow:—“You have all his bad habits.”
To Please Him
Husband:—“You are lovely in this dress, that is true, but—the money!”
Wife:—“That does not count, when the object is to please you!”
Must Scream
Gentleman:—“But, ladies, this loud talking during the concert is
abominable!”
Lady:—“I fully agree with you. One must actually scream, to make oneself
understood.”
The Newest
“You wish a New Testament, madam?”
“Yes, but, please, the very newest.”
Painted Angels
Mother:—“My daughter does not please you?”
Gentleman:—“To tell the truth, I do not care for paintings.”
Mother:—“Pardon me, but did you ever see an angel, other than painted?”
No Economy Necessary
Cook:—“Miss Helene, please, shall I put a pinch of paprika into the
chicken-stew?”
Miss Helene (just back from boarding-school):—“Why, Anna, you do not have
to be so economical here; put a good big tablespoonful into it.”
Ignorant Professor
Lady:—“Do tell me, Professor, why we are called the fair sex?”
Professor:—“Well, I am sure I don’t know either.”
The Flirt
“... Oh, who dares to deny it! She knows how to chain the men! And
yet—caprice of nature—she never can chain one man!”
The Convenient Grandmother
Young Lady:—“Can I get a guide to write love-letters here?”
Clerk:—“For yourself?”
Young Lady (embarrassed):—“For myself?—oh, no! for—my—grandmother!”
Sharpening His Teeth
A housemaid was ordered to go to a guest’s room to tell him that dinner
was ready. She found him standing before the looking-glass, tooth-brush
in hand, cleaning his teeth. She gave her message, and on returning
to her mistress, said, “The gentleman will come at once; he is just
sharpening his teeth.”
Butter, Then Cheese
A butter-dealer and a cheese-monger were to be godmothers at a
christening. At church the latter pushed herself into the place of honor,
next to the mother. But the butter-dealer stepped in front of her saying,
“Butter comes before cheese.”
Thoroughly Washed
Young wife (fresh from boarding-school):—“Oh, Kathi, what are you doing?
That fish does not need washing! Why he has been in water all his life.”
Forethought
To a Banker. “Why do you let your daughter marry your cashier?”
“Precaution, my dear sir; if he ever runs away with the bank’s money, my
daughter will, in all probability, get some of it.”
To Suit Her Mourning
At a Ball. “May I ask for the first waltz?”
“Certainly—but please, Doctor, dance a little slower; I am still in
mourning.”
Inhospitality
Lady:—“But John, my guests drank only three bottles of champagne
yesterday, and here are four missing.”
John:—“Did they drink only three? Well, I didn’t count them,—I don’t
think it is nice to watch one’s guests.”
Too Literal
Intended Husband:—“You know, Bertha, I would go to the end of the world
for you!”
Fiancée:—“Then, please, stay a few days longer with us.”
Intended Husband:—“Why, my dear Bertha, I should lose my return ticket!”
A Fatal Mistake
Doctor’s Wife:—“Why, my dear husband, what are you so dreadfully excited
about?”
Doctor:—“Just think of it! By mistake I signed my name under the
question, ‘Cause of death,’ in a death certificate!”
Her Faulty Geography
An Eskimo family was being exhibited at the zoölogical gardens. The young
wife of an Army officer who had taken her there, asked them, “How do you
like it in Berlin?” and as the Eskimos kept silent, not understanding
her, the talkative little woman went on, “Don’t you think it’s nicer
here, than in Eskimo?”
A New Composer
Lady:—“Dear Emilie, by whom is this magnificent piece, that is being
played?”
Emilie:—“I think it is by ‘Da Capo,’ an Italian composer, who has written
a great many pieces.”
Eels by the Yard
Young Housewife (helping the cook prepare the menu for a
dinner-party):—“As second course, we will have baked eel.”
Cook:—“How much shall I order, my lady?”
Young housewife:—“I think ten yards ought to be enough.”
A Hint
“Say, papa, when I am a papa, I’ll make Liesel roast a goose for me, too;
but I shall give my little boy some of it.”
A Young Lady’s Diary on an Ocean Steamer
First Day. Stormy weather; poor company.
Second Day. Captain very amiable; offers me his heart and hand. Refused.
Third Day. Captain renews his offer. Threatens to kill us both and to
blow up the vessel with three hundred souls on board. Refused.
Fourth Day. Saved three hundred lives.
Toast to Women
“The ladies lessen our sorrows, double our joys, and treble our expenses.
Long may they live!”
A Precaution
“Auntie, do you like chocolates?”
“Oh yes, little one, I love them!”
“Ah! Then I had better ask grandmamma to take care of my box of bonbons.”
A Novice in Gardening
Husband:—“Just think, little wife, I saw the first asparagus in the
garden. Would it give you pleasure to cut it yourself?”
Young Housewife (trying to hide her ignorance in this direction):—“I tell
you what, Adolf; we’ll go together. You pick it off, while I hold the
ladder.”
Poor Memory
Servant:—“Will you please tell me, madam, where you buy your sausages?”
Mistress:—“On Humboldt Street.”
Servant:—“I am afraid I can’t remember that.”
Mistress:—“Just think of the Kosmos.”
A Different Meaning
Bride:—“What is the name of that beautiful star over there?”
Bridegroom:—“That is Venus.”
Bride:—“What does it mean?”
Bridegroom:—“The happiness of love!”
Twenty Years Later
Wife:—“What is the name of that beautiful star over there?”
Husband:—“It’s the evening star; don’t know the name of it.”
Wife:—“Do you know what it means?”
Husband:—“That it is getting night.”
Hard on Him
A flirt is a rose, of whom each plucks a leaf; the thorns remain for the
future husband.
Her Idea of Rome
Gentleman:—“You were some time in Italy, Baroness; how did you like Rome?”
Baroness:—“Rome? Just wait a moment! (To her daughter.) Emma, was it not
at Rome where we bought those poor gloves?”
Misunderstood
Baroness (returning home):—“Maria, I cannot suffer you to take your
sweetheart into the kitchen!”
Cook:—“Your ladyship is very kind, but my sweetheart would not go into
the salon!”
Not Men Pleasers
Husband:—“I wish you would tell why you women are forever dressing up and
have to have such a lot of new clothes all the time; do you think such
extravagance pleases the men?”
Wife:—“Oh, we don’t care to please the men; we want to make the other
women jealous!”
Depends on the Kind
Little Fritz (to the cook):—“Anna, how do you spell ‘sauce’?”
Cook:—“Sauce? Well, you see, Fritz, there are so many different kinds of
sauce!”
A Question of Likes
Gentleman:—“Mein Fräulein, do you like sauerkraut?”
Fräulein:—“Why, what a queer question to ask me!”
Gentleman:—“Well, you see, I love the little sausages that go with it, so
if you liked sauerkraut, we should match beautifully.”
Thought for the Future
Professor:—“Well, dear Elise, after passing such a brilliant examination,
I suppose you will settle down at once to practice law?”
Student:—“Oh, no, I am going to enter the government service; else my
future husband would not receive a—pension.”
Conclusive Evidence
A little girl was heard holding the following monologue:
“Did God really make the whole world? I couldn’t do it. It must have been
dreadfully hard. But I know one thing He didn’t make, this washrag of my
doll’s; I knitted that myself, the dear Lord can’t knit.”
Misery Loves Company
Little Carl had been scolded a good many times for dropping and breaking
things. One day his mother happened to drop and break a cup. “Why,
mother, now you are a naughty boy, too!” exclaimed the little one.
Uncle and the Donkey
There is nothing like a jolly and good-natured uncle in a family. What
fun the children have with him! Just now they are all hanging around him
waiting for what is coming next.
“Now, young gentleman,” he says to the oldest, “I am going to give you a
riddle. It is gray, has rather large ears, and you can ride on it; what
is it?”
“Why uncle, that is you,” cries the youngest, joyfully.
The Unsuccessful Ruse
Little Anna was ill in bed, and could not be induced to take her pill.
Her clever mamma hid it in a preserved pear and gave her that. After a
while she asked: “Well, my darling, have you eaten your pear?”
“Oh, yes, mamma,” answered the little one, “all but the pit.”
An Ancient Fowl
Elsie (who, with her mamma, is dining off a very tough chicken at a
railway station):—“Mamma, don’t you think this chicken must have been
hatched from a hard boiled egg?”
A Classical Maid
Lady:—“Has the Baron not been here yet to-day?”
Maid:—“Everything has been here once,” says Lessing, “but—the Baron has
not been here yet.”
From the Diary of a Singer
Monday:—“Aïda.” Starved with my lover in the prison cell.
Tuesday:—Sang “Gilda” in “Rigoletto.” Was murdered and dragged from the
stage in a bag.
Wednesday:—In “Traviata” I sang “Violetta,” and coughed
virtuos-tuberculos, my life away.
Thursday:—As “Selika” (in l’Africaine) died from the poisonous odor of
the Manzanillen tree.
Friday:—Sang the “Jewess,” and as a _finale_ was thrown into a kettle of
boiling oil.
Saturday:—As “Sulamithe” in the “Queen of Saba” was suffocated in the
Simoom of the desert.
Sunday:—“Hamlet” and I as “Ophelia” drowned—under a storm of applause—in
the brook. How beautiful it is, to be able to devote one’s art and one’s
life to give _pleasure_ to one’s fellow-men!
Deep Mourning
Count:—“Gracious lady, are you not dancing to-night?”
Lady:—“Not till after midnight, Count.”
Count:—“Why not until then?”
Lady:—“Because to-day is the anniversary of my husband’s death.”
Without Nerves
Mother (coming home, meeting her children):—“Why, children, how you do
look; where have you been?”
Walter:—“At the Major’s, across the street, mamma, and didn’t we have a
great time playing!”
Elsa:—“And just think, mamma, Clara’s mother has no nerves at all!”
Unaccountable Stupidity
Fanny had succeeded in coaxing her mother to take her to hear
“Lohengrin.” During the performance she turns to her mother and says:
“Why, mamma, how stupid of Elsa to ask Lohengrin his name, when all she
had to do was to look at the program!”
A Gentle Hint
“Ah, sir, if ever I should have grandchildren, I could not wish them a
better father than yourself!”
A Suggestive Question
“So sad to-day, Miss Alice?”
“Oh, yes; I am very unhappy!”
“May I ask why?”
“Papa told me just now, that we are going home to-morrow.”
“Am I perhaps the happy one, on whose account you are so very unhappy?”
The Swan Song
“Is it true, mamma, that swans sing before they die?”
“Yes, my child! but come, stop feeding them or you will make them ill.”
“That is just what I want to do. I am going to feed them till they die. I
do want to hear a swan-song, so much!”
A Slight Misunderstanding
“So you have but just returned from a trip to Paris! You visited the
Louvre, I suppose?”
“Oh, certainly, was so delighted with it, that I went all over it!”
“And which one of the many magnificent pictures pleased you most,
Baroness?”
“Pictures? I did not see any pictures; the velvet coats charmed me most!”
“Ah, then you were at the dry-goods store ‘Louvre’!”
“Why, where else did you think?”
The Boy Understood
Minister (who has a few boy boarders):—“So you have sunk so low, Fritz,
as to steal my milk from the cellar! But who is it, from whom you can
conceal nothing; who sees everything; before whom I myself am nothing but
a grain of sand?”
Fritz (weeping):—“Your wife, sir!”
A Child’s Request
The mother, on leaving the room, warns her little daughter: “Don’t think
of taking a pear from the basket when I am gone; you know, little one,
that if I cannot see you, the dear Lord can.” Mother gone, the little
girl can’t resist the temptation, and looking up to heaven, she says, in
a pleading voice: “Dear Lord, do please turn around!”
The Order of Things
“Mamma, I know how things in this world are ordered,” said little Bertha,
who had just administered a severe rebuke to her doll. “The doll must
mind me; I must mind the nurse; the nurse must mind you; you must mind
papa; papa must mind the Emperor; the Emperor must mind God; and God——”
here she stopped, thought a moment, and then said decidedly—“and God must
mind Bismarck.”
A Large Hood
“The dear Lord must wear a very large hood, mamma!”
“Why so, child?”
“Because at school we always pray:
“‘Make us, dear Lord, pious and good,
And take us all beneath Thy hood!’”
Not to Her Liking
A pretty little girl was often hurt by the way the neighbors and servants
talked about her red hair. One day her grandmother tried to comfort her,
saying: “Dear child, God made your hair, and everything He does is well
done.”
“Oh, but then I would rather He would not make anything more for me,”
declared the little one.
Her Fears
Little Elsie was at a children’s party with her nurse. In the evening
there were fireworks set off. When the first sky-rocket went up, the
child began to cry bitterly, calling to her nurse in a voice full of
fear, “They are shooting the dear Lord!”
Only the Repair Angel
Lieschen, on Christmas day with her new doll:—“See, Hannchen, what a
beautiful new doll the Christ-child has brought me!”
Hannchen (with an old, but repaired doll):—“My mamma said that only the
repair angel came to us this year.”
A Question of Belief
At the examination the children were to say the creed before the
superintendent. It was practiced so that three children were each to say
one article.
The first began: “I believe in God the Father——”
The superintendent skipped the second, and asked the third: “Go on,
child!”
“I believe in the Holy Ghost!”
“No; I believe in Jesus Christ!”
“No I don’t believe in Him. He believes in Him,” said the boy, pointing
towards his overlooked neighbor.