off tu kill with all sorts o' notions and foreign fixins. The winders
were shut up close, and kivered from top tu bottom with a hull Niagara
of red silk. The benches and settees and chairs shone and glistened all
around, and overhead was one of them concerns of fire and chink glass, a
blazin and flashing round us till it seemed as if the ruff overhead was
made of solid gold. The wall were kivered all over with picters--them
golden frames was all cirlicued off, and shone out dreadful harnsome, I
can tell you. Right under that heap of swinging glass, and jest where
the fire felt strongest, there was a table about as large round as
marm's cheese tub, and kivered over with a red cloth, all figured off
that fell clear to the carpet, and looked sort o' rich, like a pile of
winter apples heaped afore a cider mill.
Two or three chaps sot afore the table, larfin and a talkin together,
while they kinder tilted back the chairs they sot in, and seemed to make
themselves tu hum all over.
I looked around for Miss Sneers, but she wasn't there yit, and the chaps
by the table didn't seem tu know that I was standin there, and a lettin
off my prime bows all for nothin. But jest as I was a goin to back out,
a feller that lay on one of these new-fangled settees that have an arm
chair at each eend, and a bench in the middle all cushioned off with red
silk, he kinder riz up, and I see it was the chap that waited on Miss
Sneers at the theatre the first time I ever saw her. He cum for'ard on
seein me, and a lookin eenamost tickled tu death tu think I'd cum. He
told the chaps by the table who I was, and they got up tu, and was in a
mighty takin about my bein there. I sot down on a chair, and histed one
leg top of t'other, and begun tu teeter my right foot sort of
independent, and looked about for Miss Sneers. She wasn't there jest
then, and I begun to feel rather awkward. But the man that I'd seen with
her at the theatre, he sot down close by me, and begin to talk as
chipper as if he'd known me a hundred years. I hadn't had a good chance
tu look at the feller before in arnest, but now as he sot agin me, I gin
him considerable observation. He was a tall, harnsome chap, with hair
as thick and black as midnight. His eyes were black tu, and as sharp as
darningneedles, but you never could ketch them a lookin at you more'n a
minute at a time--they al'ers shied when a feller looked right straight
into them. His voice was as soft as a mealy potater, and he kinder slid
up to you across the room like a gray cat, and seemed tu be jest about
as innocent. He begun tu talk about farming, and the price of produce in
York, jest as cozey as git out, and seemed tu be right tu hum on any
subject that cum up. The other chaps they jined in' and laid on a
considerable soft sodder about my letters in the Express--but they did
it slick, I can tell you, smoothed it down nice and ily, till you
couldn't jest tell exactly whether it was soft sodder or not.
Arter a few minutes, Miss Sneers she cum in--I felt my heart jump intu
my mouth, and the blood bile up over my face, like hot flip when the
iron is put in. It seemed tu me, as if she never did look so harnsome
afore--her frock was all blue shiny velvet, as bright as a damson
plum--that ere round neck so pesky white, hadn't no kiverin on, but a
leetle finefied gold chain, and another gold chain was tangled up with
the great swad of hair that was twistified up on the nap of her neck.
She kinder slid intu the room sort of easy, jest like a trout sailin
along the bottom of a brook--her cheeks looked as fresh as a full blown
rosy, and her mouth, the darned provokin thing, looked jest like a bunch
of ripe strawberries, ready tu drop from the stems.
She kinder bowed tu the chaps that sot by the table, and then cum right
up tu where I stood with both her hands out tu once, as if she was
tickled all over tu see me agin.
Both them little white hands wasn't more than one handful for me, and I
wasn't in no very great hurry tu let go, when I once got a good grip at
'em--she didn't seem tu mind my havin 'em, but sot down right between me
and her brother, and there she sot a smilin right intu my eyes and a
askin so arnest arter my helth that I couldn't but jest speak, my heart
riz so. The critter really seemed tu have took a notion tu you, and
marm. She was dreadful arnest tu know if I'd hearn from you, and how you
stood the cold weather, and then consarn me! if she didn't ask how
Captin Doolittle did, jest as if the old coot had a ben her own Par.
By-am-by she bent over, and kinder whispered tu me, and sez she--
"I must go and speak tu the gentlemen there--you make me forget
everything but yourself."
With that she gin my fingers a leetle grip and went up tu the table.
"You seem dull," sez she, "supposin you take a game at cards till supper
is ready."
"If Mr. Slick hain't no objection" sez her brother, a lookin at me
kinder anxious. "His father's a deacon you know."
They all turned on their chairs, and looked at me, as if a man that
didn't like cards must a have been brought up in the woods. It made me
feel kinder streaked--so sez I, "oh never seem tu mind me, I aint a
skeered at a pack of cards, if my Par is."
"Du you ever play," sez Miss Sneers, a smilin on me like a June sun.
"Wal," sez I, speakin up crank, "I haint done much at it, since I was a
little shaver, and used tu play high-low-jack and the game, with one of
our workmen in Par's barn tu hum, but I was a considerable of a sneezer
at it in them days, I recon."
Miss Sneers's brother, sez he, "Wal then, supposin you take a hand
here."
I felt kinder bad at the idea of touching cards arter promisin you not
tu, Par, when you ketched me at it and gin me that allfired lickin in
the barn--but Miss Sneers stood right afore me, shuffling a bran new
pack o' cards in them little white hands and a lookin at me so cunnin
that I couldn't stand it--yet I felt sort o' loth and held back.
"I'm afeared I've eenajest forgot how," sez I; a loungin back.
"Oh never mind," sez one of the chaps in a red and green vest, and with
checkered trousers on, "Miss Sneers will show you how."
"Certainly," says the harnsome critter--a smilin right in my face again;
"Shall I be your teacher, Mr. Slick?"
"Jest so," sez I--"I'd jump down my own throat, if you on'y told me tu."
With that I sot down by the table--crossed one leg a top of t'other and
wiped my nose. Miss Sneers, she leaned her arm on my chair and the rest
sot down.
"Wal, what shall we play?" sez the chap in checkered trousers.
"Oh, high-low-jack and the game--Mr. Slick understands that"--sez the
rest, sort a larfin. I begun to rile a trifle--"I guess Mr. Slick knows
a thing or two besides that," sez I; "he wasn't born in the woods tu be
skared at owls!" sez I.
They all choked in at that--one feller shuffled the cards, I cut, and
the checkered trousers took the deal. I got an allfired good hand the
first dive--ace, jack and the two spot of trumps, besides a ten. Miss
Sneers she bent over until I could feel her breath agin my cheek, as
warm and sweat as the steam from an apple-sarse cag when the sarse is
sot off to cool. I swow, it made me feel so kinder unsettled, that the
cards danced afore my eyes, like picters run crazy. We begun to play.
Miss Sneers kept a pokin that pesky little finger of hern amongst my
cards every minute, puttin out them that I ought to play, one by
one--and afore I knew it myself, I'd beat the hull biling on 'em three
games without stoppin. Miss Sneers she seemed to be eenamost tickled to
death to think I'd done 'em up so slick, and the men they looked
streaked enough. I tell you--that one in the checkered trousers above
all. Jest as we was cuttin in for a new deal, the doors right afore me
slid back inter the wall, and there was another room spread out afore us
like a picter. It was as light as day from one eend of the room tu
t'other--and it was enough to dazzle one's eyes to see the shiney silk
tumblin down from the golden poles over the winders--the great whoppin
lookin glasses a blazin all over that eend of the room--the carpet
kivered over and trod down with posies--the picters agin the walls and
leetle marble babies a standing round, with the candle light a pourin
down over 'em. Oh, Gosh! it was enough to make a feller loose his
breath, and never ketch it agin. There, right in the midst of the room,
was a table a shinin and a glistenin, like a heap of ice-chunks and new
half dollars piled up together in the hot sun. The plates and the knives
and forks spoons and all, was solid silver--everything else was silver
but the glasses, and they were all pinted and pictered off, and cut
down in lines, till there was nothing but flash, flash, flash, wherever
the light fell, and that was strong enough; for right overhead was
another of them great gold spangles branching out every which way, and
runnin over with fire.
Miss Sneers she put her hand on my arm, jest so as tu let the tip eend
of her leetle finger lie agin my wrist. I swore it made the blood tingle
up my arm. We went intu the room with the rest a follerin arter, Indian
file. A great strappin nigger stood at each side of the door-place, when
we went, with white gloves on, and towels in their hands--they bowed
a'most tu the carpet as we went by, and when we sot down, then they
stood right up on eend behind our chairs, like militia trainers jist
tryin tu drill. They lifted up the kivers from a lot of dishes, and up
riz the steam among the glasses and silver, till it seemed as if they
hung in a cloud. Oh gracious, I can't begin to tell you all that them
dishes had in 'em. There was leetle teinty tonty birds cooked hull,
claws and all--partridges with their stomachs stuffed till they looked
as pussey as cousin Jasin--squirrels a lyin there like human babies jest
baked over a trifle, and all sorts of wild varmints that a feller ever
thought of killin.
The niggers they dodged about, fillin plates and a handin 'em round like
lightnin. They gin Miss Sneers and I each on us a leetle bird--darn me
if I know what it was, without it was a woodpecker stewed hull. It raly
seemed tu be a shame tu stick a fork intu the teinty varmint. I kinder
diddled my knife and fork about, till Miss Sneers got purty intimate
with her bird, for I wanted tu see if it was the fashion tu swaller 'em
down in'ards and all. She'd used her little chap purty well up, when I
sot my jaws a workin in arnest. The bird went down my throat the
quickest. It was awful sweet tastin; and the leg bones scratched a
trifle as they went down, but nothin tu speak on.
Wal, we laid into the squirrels and other wild critters rather hard,
till I begun tu feel a dry. There was a leetle bottle of water stood
agin each plate. I poured some out of mine, and was a goin tu drink, but
Miss Sneers, she laid her hand on the glass, and sez she--
"Mr. Slick, let me help you tu wine?"
"Not as you know on," sez I, a bowin, and a takin the tumbler from under
her hand--"I'm a teetotaler, marm, tu the back bone!"
"Oh, I'd forgot," sez she, a lookin at her brother. He took up a bottle
with leetle chunks of sheet lead a stickin tu the neck, and sez he--
"You will not refuse a glass of this cider, Mr. Slick--there's no
alcohol in this, I can tell you."
I was jest a goin tu say no, but Miss Sneers, she held out her glass,
and all the time that cider was a gurglin out of the bottle and a sendin
up sparkles in her glass, she kept them smilin eyes a pourin their
brightness right intu mine. When the glass was full, she touched it tu
her mouth, and gin a leetle sip, jest enough tu make them pesky lips
look a trifle damp, and redder than ever, and sez she, a reachin the
glass towards me--
"You must drink this, Mr. Slick."
I felt the blood bile intur my face agin. I kinder part reached out my
hand--then I pulled it back, and sez I--
"I've signed the pledge."
"Not agin this harmless cider," sez they altogether.
"Not when a lady kisses the glass," says Miss Sneers--a holdin out the
tumbler yit, and a lookin kinder anxious, as if she'd cry right out if I
didn't give up.
"Take it for my sake," sez she, a bendin close tu me, and a holdin the
glass right up tu my lips. They were all a lookin at me, and kinder
larfin, as if they thought I darsent take it.
"You see Mr. Slick will not give up the point, even tu you Miss Sneers,"
sez the man with checkered trousers. "Allow me to drain the glass your
sweet lips have kissed."
"You be darned," sez I, a takin the cider and drinkin it down a'most at
three swallers.
"Bravo!" they all sung out tu once. "Here's to the ladies!" Miss Sneers,
she held out my glass agin. Her brother lifted the bottle, and this time
the cider splashed over that leetle white hand, and come drippin over
the table all the way tu my mouth. I felt streaked about makin any more
touse about a leetle cider, and poured the glass down without squinchin.
By the time I found the bottom of that glass, I didn't feel askeared of
the next one the leastest might in the world. But, somehow, the more I
drank, the plates seemed to grow brighter and more unsteady. The birds
that lay yet in one of the silver dishes seemed to grow smaller, but
more on em, like young robins in a nest, when they jest begin tu feather
out. The wine decanters blazed out redder and redder, and the
cider-bottles popped and foamed like ginger-beer in the summer time. The
folks, tu, sot orful oneasy, and somehow, the feller that sot agin me
looked jest as if he'd found a twin with checkered trousers, and a
red-and-green vest, as much like his'n as two peas in a pod.
I kinder seemed tu remember that Miss Sneers kept a kissin the glasses
for me, till by-am-by I sot out to do it myself, and kissed her instead.
With that, she went intu tother room. We followed arter, and the two
niggers arter us with the cider and wine decanters in their hands.
"Now," sez Miss Sneers' brother sez he, "less have another game; I'll
bet Mr. Slick wont beat three times runnin agin."
"I'll bet he will," sez Miss Sneers, a pintin tu a seat by the table,
and a lookin good enough tu eat.
I sot down, and the chap in checkered trousers he begun to shuffle away,
like a house a fire.
Miss Sneers she bent over me agin, and her brother he sot down and cut
cards. I beat agin, right straight ahead; the hull swad on em begun to
grow kinder wamblecropped at that, and Miss Sneers she larfed so
good-natured, and bent forward so much that her cheek a'most lay agin
mine all the next game.
By gauly, I beat agin; and by that time, they all begun tu look a trifle
rily. The checkered trousers he took the cards and gin em a snap along
the eends that might a ben heard in the street. With that, he slapped em
down on the table, and sez he, a nodden his head at me, sez he, "I'll
bet fifty dollars you don't beat this time." With that, he larfed till
the hair on his upper lip curled up and showed his teeth, like a dog
when he snarls.
"Nonsense," sez Miss Sneers, "we can beat twenty such felers--you and I,
Mr. Slick, can't we?"
"I ruther thinks so," sez I.
"I'll bet fifty dollars," sez checkered trousers, "that we beat you all
hollow."
"I'll bet you don't," sez I, a rilin up.
"Plank the money," sez he, a slappin the cards agin, "plank the chink."
I took your old wallet from the leetle pocket in my under vest, and
unrolled the bills that I'd put there arter sellin out the sloop
load--"I spose you think I haint got it," sez I, a shakin the harnful of
bills that was left. "Hurra for old Connecticut!" The other chaps they
shell'd out, and a hull heap of bills lay on the table. Miss Sneers she
went away a minute, and then bent over me agin, with another glass of
that white cider in her hand--she held the glass to my lips, and
wouldn't take it away till I'd drunk the hull.
That was prime cider, and I was a beginnin to feel dry agin, so I drunk
another glass; and at it we went, shovel and tongs. As true as you live,
they raly did beat that game; and when they saw how wrothy I was, they
offered tu bet a hundred dollars on my luck the next time. I don't know
who beat arter that; for somehow I seemed tu be sort o' dreamin; the
candles seemed tu be a darncin round us, and it seemed as if the cards
were leetle teenty folks, all alive and a grinnin at us as we handled
em. I took out the old wallet every few minutes--I du seem to remember
that--and arter it was empty, Miss Sneer's brother, sez he, "Never mind,
my boy, we'll take your autograph."
"I don't keep any such new-fangled varmints," sez I.
"Oh, on'y jest write your name here," sez he, a handin over a strip of
paper.
"Jest so," sez I, a takin the pen he held out; "jest so, but good gauly,
du hold the paper still. I can't ketch up with it if it moves about the
table this way."
"It's your hand," sez he.
"My hand!" sez I--"you git out!"
I gin a dive at the paper and held it kinder still, while I did up a
long tailed J. I had tu begin agin at the S, but arter a dive or tu, I
curlecued it up about right, and then we went tu playin cards agin. They
seemed tu take a great shine tu my name that night, and kept a askin me
for it every few minutes, till I went away. I don't jest know when Miss
Sneers went away, or exactly how I got away myself; but the next
morning I woke up in my bunk with the darndest head ache that I ever
dreamed on. Captin Doolittle he sot in the cabin a lookin at me, and a
cryin like a great baby.
"What's the matter, Captin?" sez I, a turnin over.
"Jonathan," sez he, a risin from the locker, and diggin both hands in
his old trousers pocket, "Jonathan, its time for us tu haul up stakes
and go hum."
The tears run down the old chap's face, as he said this, and he turned
his face away that I shouldn't see them.
I tried tu think of what had turned up tu make the captin take on so. My
head beat like a drum--I partly remembered the cider, the cards and Miss
Sneers. I looked at Captin Doolittle; he had the poor old empty wallet
in his hands, and I could see the tears drop into it.
I lay down agin, kivered my face with the piller, and burst out a cryin.
I guess I lay still a cryin like a baby as much as ten minutes and there
sot Captin Doolittle a holdin the empty wallet all the time. At last I
sot up an eend and looked at the captin as well as I dare, and sez I,
"Captin what shall I du?"
The Captin he looked up, and sez he,
"Jonathan you'd better fust tell me jest what you have done a'ready." I
sot to as well as I could and told him the hull story about Miss Sneers,
the theatre, playing cards, the bird supper, and the cider. When I'd got
through he shook his head sort of mournful, and sez he--
"Jonathan, this is a bad business; you've made a shote of yourself and
gambled all your father's money away; it's eenamost as bad as stealen."
"Oh don't say that are," sez I, a kiverin my face with both hands. "I
feel bad enough without bein twitted of what I've done, gracious knows?"
"Wal, I know it aint generous tu strike a feller when he's down," sez
the captin, "but what is to be done? That's the question."
"Wal," sez the Captin, "supposin you put on your things and we'll go up
to that consarned gamblin hole and see if any thing can be done to git
the money back. I hain't no doubt but that Miss Sneers will be tickled
tu death tu see you agin."
I got up and dressed myself as well as I could for my head ached as if
it would crack open. The Captin he was as good as any thing; he poured a
hull pitcher full of cold water over my hair, and arter making me drink
a strong cup of tea, I felt kinder better about the head, but oh Lord a
massy, how my heart ached!
I felt so down in the mouth that I couldn't talk, so we both started off
towards that consarned house agin.
"Now Jonathan," sez the Captin, as we got agin the steps, "it goes agin
the grain tu say so, but you jest make believe that I am a police
officer, and keep a stiff upper lip, ring the bell and walk right in;
I'll come arter and we'll du their bisness for em in less than no time."
I rung the bell.
"Is Miss Sneers tu hum?" sez I.
"No," sez he, as quick as lightning, "she went into the country this
morning."
I was a going tu say that I'd seen her, when Captin Doolittle pushed
right by and giving the nigger a shove on one side, sez he,
"Walk in, Jonathan, walk in and make yourself tu hum." With that he dove
into the hall and I arter him--he opened the side door into the room we
were in the night before, and gin a peak round.
"Nobody there," sez he, "go up stairs, I'll settle the nigger if he gets
obstropulous, and then follow arter."
I went right up stairs, and was jest a knocking at the door of Miss
Sneers' room, when I see that it was open a trifle; and as I gin a peak
through, there was the chap that she called her brother shying out
through the eend door--I jest gin a knock that sent the door a flyin
open, and went in. Miss Sneers was settin on that silken bench, dressed
out in a ruffled white frock, and with her hair twisted back in a hurry,
and kinder tousled up with a gold chain in it, as if she hadn't touched
it since the night afore. She jumped half up when she see me, and then
settled down agin with her lips shet tight together, and a lookin hard
in my eyes as if uncertain who it was.
I walked right up to her and held out my hand, "How do you du this
morning, Miss Sneers," sez I.
She kinder leaned back, and lookin right straight in my eyes, sez she,
"You must have mistook the room, sir, I do not usually receive company
here."
I swow, it seemed as if the critter had swallered a chunk of ice, she
spoke so stiff and cold. I looked around the room a minit, and then I
turned tu her agin, and sez I,
"Look a here marm, you don't seem tu be over tickled tu see me this
morning, so I'll make myself scarce the minit you'll give me a chance tu
see that brother of yourn."
"You are laborin under another mistake," sez she, as frosty as ever. "My
brother is not in the house."
"Perhaps you'll tell me by-am-by that I mustn't believe my own eyes,"
sez I a getting wrothy. "Jest ask that mean shote to come out of the
other room there--I saw him sneak off with my own eyes not three minutes
ago."
She turned a trifle red when I talked up to her so, and arter chokin a
second, sez she, as cool as a cowcumber, sez she,
"Not my brother, you did not see my brother, he is my husband, sir."
I felt the blood bile in my veins and my face seemed afire. "Your
husband marm?" sez I, a getting up a laugh that eended off in a savage
grin, "and so you're, you're,"--
"His wife sir," sez she, with a cold tarntalisin smile, "and now, as I
am particularly engaged, perhaps you will leave the house."
"Not jest yet," sez Captin Doolittle, a bolting intu the room. "We've
got some business with that husband of your'n, marm."
"And who are you sir?" sez the woman a turnin white as curd and sittin
down half scared tu death.
"I don't know as that is any consarn of your'n," sez he, a hauling a
piece of paper folded up square from his pocket. "I want that swindlin
scamp that you call husband, and its my opinion that he and I get
better acquainted afore I leave these ere premises."
I never see a poor critter wilt down as she did, her face was as white
as snow, so was her mouth, and I could see it begin tu tremble all she
could du to help it.
"Surely, surely, you havn't brought a police officer here?" sez she, a
lookin at me, and them soft eyes of her'n were a swimmin in tears. I
begun to relent.
"Jonathan, don't make a coot of yourself," sez the Captin, a givin me a
sly poke in the ribs; then he went right up tu her, and sez he,
"I don't wonder you're surprised marm, it aint often that you get a
decent chap like me in this nest of varmints, but when one on us du come
we generally make purty clean work of it, I can tell you that! Perhaps
your husband won't be the only one that will get hauled over the coals.
I've seen purtyer women than you are afore the police magistrates afore
now."
The critter began tu tremble and looked at me as pitiful as a rabbit in
a trap.
"It ain't of no use," sez Captin Doolittle a pushin me back, "salt won't
save you if that scamp of your'n don't shell out. Mr. Slick here haint
nothin to du with the bisness now that he's gin it up tu the law. You
haint got sich a mealy hearted chap as him to deal with, I can tell
you."
"But what du you want?" sez she, a shakin as if she was a cold.
"I want the money you swindled out of this young feller las night," sez
he. "The money and the notes you made him give and by the living hokey
if it aint handed over in less than ten minutes, I'll have every darned
varmint in the house marched off tu the tombs."
The poor critter grew wuss and wuss; after a minute she turned to me and
sez she, a sobbin like all natur,
"So you've indicted the house, have you?"
I didn't just know what she meant, and the Captin seemed as bad off, but
he gin me a poke to keep still, and sez he, "You'll find out I reckon,
but as that are husband of yourn seems loth tu come out I'll jest give
him a little invite." With that he went into t'other room and arter a
little noise of scuffling cum out agin a leadin the woman's brother or
husband by the ear. He had taken an orful hard grip, and the critter's
souse looked as red as if it had just been scalded.
"Are you a goin to shell out or not?" sez the Captin. The feller gin a
pull, and the Captin follered suit, which stretched his ear rather more
than he seemed to relish.