name was, sort of low, as if it was something I ought to be ashamed of;
and the minnit I told him, he went to the door of the keeping-room and
bawled out,
"Mr. Jonathan Slick."
I went in and there sot our Jase, in a great armed chair, as red and
pussy as a turkey-gobbler, jest afore Christmas. He got up and come
for'ard, but looked nation wamblecropped when he see that there wasn't
nobody with me. That wife of his'n cum up with her fat hands stuck out,
and asked how I was, and why Lord Morpeth didn't cum, and Jemima, she
stood a giggling worse than ever, and a tossing them yaller curls of
her'n about on her shoulders and cousined me off to kill.
I told Jase how Lord Morpeth had sarved me, but he didn't seem to mind
that, arter he found out that he was a coming by-am-by, so we sot down.
I took a sort of a survey of the premises. Now if there is anything that
makes me mad, it's to see a chap a selling off his harnsome things when
they git a little siled or out of fashion. I couldn't no more sell a
cheer or a table that any of my friends had eat off from, or sot on,
than I would strike my granny. Jest think how you'd feel to see grand
par Slick's arm'd chair sold at Vandue, or the chest o' drawers that
marm kept her "leetle things" in when I was a baby bought in by the
neighbors. It makes me feel wamblecropped only jest to think of it, and
yet there wasn't a single thing in the two great rooms that I went into
at Cousin Jase's, that had a place where it was the last time I was
there. Everything looked spick-span new, and I haint no doubt that the
hull house had been transmogrified and titivated up jest cause a Lord
was coming to eat dinner there. The carpets were a'most all red, with a
vine of pink and yaller a running crinkle-crankle all over 'em as if
somebody had been a scattering a hat full of butter-cups and meadow
pinks all over it, the whole consarn giving under your feet like a flat
meadow lot thick with a fall arter growth.
Great smashing looking-glasses were set into the wall from top to bottom
between the winders, and a hull dry-goods store of red silk curtains sot
off with yaller bordering, fell in great heavy winrows from over a
couple of long spikes, feathered off at the eend, and a glistening with
gold, kivered both ends of the room all but the looking-glasses and
winders. A whopping great picter of Jase a setting in his easy chair,
and reading a book, kivered with velvet and gold, was hung over one
mantle-tree shelf, and over t'other sot his wife, all feathers and
flowers, and silks and satins, with her red pussy face a shining among
the whole, and all pen'd up in a gold frame, as wide as a slab, and a
glist'ning like all natur.
Cousin Jase had gone into the fine arts to kill, arter he got hopes of a
Lord. There was Jemima's shaller head cut out in marble, a kind of half
swarry, with stun curls a hanging like icicles down her back, and a stun
post to stand on, a rolling up its eyes to a corner of the room; and
there were two funny sort of women, with wings that looked as if they'd
been made of gold at fust, and then touched off with a thin coat of
blacking, that made a sort of amalgamation critters, black and gold,
stood each side of the looking-glasses, a holding back the silk curtains
that would have fell ca-swash over the whole eend of the room if it
hadn't been for them; then out on the carpet was tables made out of
black shiny stuff, and the whole round tops kivered over with picters
that seemed as if they were polished down clear into the black wood, and
all around was benches and foot-stools of the same black wood, sprigged
off with gold, and cushioned off with red silk, besides the settees that
had high backs and high arms at one eend, but curlecued down at the
back, tapered off to a square bench on t'other, and sot out like the
stools with thick red cushions.
Right over the pictered tables was a sort of a golden tree, chained to
the ruff, and kivered over and over with chunks of glass, that shone
like tears in a gal's eye, when she gits the grit up.
Besides all these, was tu great round silk cushions, as thick as
mother's cheese tub, a sitting right squat on the carpet, and tassled
off to kill, with a mess of other things that I hadn't a chance to look
at afore the door was pushed open by the help that stood in the hall;
and there stood a tall man, with a blue coat on, and gilt buttons, each
on 'em pictered off like our ten cent pieces, on'y instead of the Eagle,
there was a Lion, and some kind of a one-horned animal, a pawing up hill
arter a sort of a cap with pints to it.
Afore I saw these pictered buttons, I kinder thought the chap must be
Lord Morpeth himself, for he come in sort of softly, and yit
independent, like a feller that felt himself to hum any where, but yit
didn't want to walk over other folks, as them big bug foreigners al'rs
du; but on a second peak I see that it wasn't the chap that I had seen
at the Astor House, and beside that he was shaved clean, and hadn't a
speck of hair, only on his head and eye-brows, and that was a little
mite gray; so, think sez I to myself, that other chap was the Lord, and
this is his waiter, cum to tell Jase that the big bug has gin up cumin.
For no Lord that can git dye stuff or buy a wig, would ever come a
visiting with gray hairs in his head. You wouldn't ketch one of our York
tippies at that, let alone a ginuine Lord.
I never saw Jase so wrothy as he was when he ketched sight of the
feller, for he got a peak at the buttons the fust thing, and sez he,--
"By gracious! if his lordship haint sent word to say he can't come!"
With that he went to the door, and sez he to the man, sez he,--
"Wal, Sir, did you bring a note for me, or what?"
And then he strutted right in the door-way, as pussy and pompous as a
prize pig jest afore killing time, and there stood the tall chap, jest
afore him, a looking right into his red face, with a pair of eyes as
black and keen as a weazle's, yit sort of easy and good natured, as if
he couldn't think what the matter was. He took off his hat sort of easy,
and kinder bent his head a leetle, and sez he,--
"Is it Mr. Slick?"
He spoke so soft and humble that it seemed to mollify Jase; he stepped
for'ard and waved his hand about as big as cuffy, and sez he, as
condescending as could be, sez he,--
"Put on your hat, my good fellow, I've been a poor man myself. What word
did his lordship send? don't be afeard to speak!"
The chap looked at Jase, and I could see his mouth pucker up the
leastest mite in the world, and his eyes begun to twinkle as if he'd
choked back a smile from his lips that was detarmined to break through
somewhere. He bowed his head a little, and then he handed over a piece
of square pasteboard jest like that Miss Elssler gave to me.
Didn't my pussy cousin look as if he'd fell through a thin place in the
ice! He wilted right down, and looked as sneaking as a turkey gobbler
ketch'd out in a rainy storm; but when he see that Lord Morpeth didn't
seem to know that he'd mistook him for a waiter, he walked into the room
a spreading his hands and a sending out a storm of excuses, and
welcomes, and friendships, like a junk bottle of cider letting off
steam.
Lord Morpeth, he walked along into the room jest as if he'd been to hum,
and then Jase he spread himself agin, and made him acquainted with his
wife.
Lord Morpeth made a little slow bow, and Mrs. Jase Slick she gin her
turban a toss, spread out the skirts of her velvet frock that was jest
the color of a wild cherry, and then, after sticking out her fat foot,
she began to fold up her jints, till she threatened to settle down on
the carpet all in a heap, before she'd a let out all her kinks agin.
Jemima she come up and begun to flourish out her foot, and show her
curls, and her teeth, and twitter about, while Lord Morpeth was a bowing
to her. I swow, it made me grit my teeth to see what tarnal coots the
whole consarn were a making of themselves! Then cum my turn. I stood a
leaning agin the mantle-shelf, detarmined to show this Lord that all
the Slicks on arth warn't darned etarnal chuckleheads if some of them
was. I'd a seen him in Guinea and further yet, afore he'd a got one
speck of a bow more than he give me.
Well, Lord Morpeth, he bowed his head rather sparing of his neck, and I
stood right straight up, and gin him as good as he sent, and no more on
it, by hokey; yet there was something about this critter that took my
notion amazingly; he didn't seem stuck up a bit, nor yet as if he wanted
to poke fun at us, but sot down on one of the curlecued settees, and
begun to talk about the weather, and things in general, jest like our
folks. Miss Slick, she sot down by him, and purty soon let him into the
state of things here in York. She went into a fit of the dreadful suz,
to think Lord Morpeth didn't ride up in the carriage--it was a dreadful
thing to walk in the streets among the common people--her daughter
Jemima had once brushed the skirt of her tunic agin a mechanic, as she
went down Broadway, and they felt it their bounden duty to keep her from
walking ever since,--Jemima was so delicate, so very literary, so--here
Jemima, who sot on a bench close by the settee, turned up them eyes of
her'n and gin a sigh that made the pucker come to Lord Morpeth's mouth
agin, and when Miss Slick got up and handed over some varses that she
said Jemima had writ the minit she heard that Lord Morpeth had come to
this country, the tickle burst into his eyes, and he went to the winder
with the paper in his hand, jest as if he wanted to read it over agin.
Miss Slick she stretched up and looked at Jase, and Jemima, and me, and
nodded her head, as much as to say--
"That's clenched the business. If Lord Morpeth don't take a shine to my
darter arter reading that, I want to know, that's all!"
Jase he twirled his great gold watch key, and peaked at Lord Morpeth
from under his eye-brows, and Jemima, she struck her head a one side and
tried to look as if she couldn't help it, till Lord Morpeth he come back
agin from the winder, a looking as meek as a gray cat with a dab of
cream on her whiskers, jest as if he hadn't been tickling himself to
death behind the curtains there; and I, consarn me, if I didn't feel as
mean as a frozen potater, to think my name was Slick.
Miss Slick she spread herself out on the settee agin beside Lord
Morpeth, and give him another dose of soft sodder, till I raly felt
sorry for the poor critter. She held up her two chunked hands, and
rolled up her eyes like all natur, when he told her which side of
Broadway he come up; but Lord Morpeth said the west side was the most
crowded, and so he took t'other.
"On'y jest to think, Jemima," sez Miss Slick, "Lord Morpeth come up on
the east side of Broadway, dear me!"
Jemima she lifted up her head, and looked a whole biling of lasses candy
at Lord Morpeth, and said she shouldn't wonder if it would be all the
fashion to walk that side after that.
Lord Morpeth bowed agin, and looked as meek as new milk, and kinder
acted as if he'd jest as lives talk about something else, but my pussy
cousin stuck to him like a dog to a briar.
"Now my Lord," sez she, a laying her hand on to his'n, rings and all,
"now, arter reading my darter's poetry, jest give me your opinion; we
shouldn't think of ever letting her print anything, on'y we've heard
that it's getting to be the fashion for English Lords and ladies to be
sort of literary, and Jemima is so full of poetry and writes so sweet
and soft--don't you think so, my Lord?"
"Very soft," says Lord Morpeth, as sober as a deacon, but yet giving a
sort of a sly squint at Jemima, where she sot a puckering up her mouth
and half shutting her eyes, and a shaking for'ard her yaller curls, till
they eenamost touched her lap, and a trying to look like a love-sick
robin on an apple-tree limb.
"Oh, you can't form no idee, you can't, indeed," sez Miss Slick,
"without you hear Jemima read them herself, but she's so modest, so
sensitive--but mebby she'll be persuaded by your lordship."
Lord Morpeth give another squint at the stuck up little varmint, and
sed, "he was afeared to urge the young lady agin her feelings."
"Oh, but she'll do it to oblige you, I'm sartin she will," sez Miss
Slick agin; "and here's our literary cousin, he will persuade her, I am
sure;" and with that she cum across the room and put her hand on my coat
sleeve, and sez she, "Now do, cousin."
"Oh, you go to grass," sez I; "If Jemima there is a mind to make a coot
of herself, she can do it without my boosting her along." Lord Morpeth
kinder give a start, and looked at me like all natur, but yet he didn't
look mad.
"Why, Cousin Slick!" sez my pussey she cousin, a dropping her hand as if
it had gripped a hot potatoe.
"Oh dear!" sez Jemima.
Jase he let his watch-key drop, and turned as red as a tomato. "What on
arth do you mean by that, Mr. Jonathan Slick?" sez he.
"Wal, I reckon I mean just what I say," sez I, a dropping my hands into
my trousers pockets; and a crossing one boot over t'other, as I leaned
sort of slantindicular, with my shoulder agin the mantle-tree. "If
there's anything on arth that makes a man sick of all the feminine
gender, it's the etarnal hankering which some on 'em get to show off and
trot themselves out afore the men folks, jest to show that their
stockings have been in a dye-tub, and that what they are lacking in
brains, is made up by impudence. I wouldn't marry a gal that could get
up afore a stranger, before a hull room full on 'em, and shake her curls
about, roll up her eyes like a pious hen, and squinch her face over a
lot of poetry, whether it's her's or anybody else's. I swow, I wouldn't
marry her if her heart was a solid lump of gold, and every hair of her
head strung with diamonds. That's my opinion, and Cousin Jemima is
welcome to it such as it is."
I wish you could a seen Jase and his wimmen folks when I burst out with
that speech. Didn't they turn red and white in streaks? I ruther guess
so! And Lord Morpeth! I never seed a feller's face brighten up as his
did. Jase put his arm through mine, and asked me to slip into the hall a
minit.
"Look a here, cousin, this is ruther too bad," sez Jase, eenamost
crying; "you ought to make apology to his lordship for speaking so afore
him--what'll he think of American manners?"
"What'll he think," sez I, "darn me if I care what he thinks; if he's a
ginuine nobleman--one that's got good English common sense--he wont
think the better of us for trying to make believe we're a notch above
what we raly be, and he'll like my human natur better than your soft
sodder by a jug full. If he expects the hull nation of America to pucker
and twist itself out of all nat'ral shape jest to gibe with his
notions, he _ought_ to be disappointed and that's the long and the short
of it; and if he believes that we want to see our wimmen folks to be
spitting out poetry and varses afore strangers, or that the ginuine
wimmen of America want to du sich things, he'd better stay to hum and
read Mrs. Trollope's books. Now, jest hold your gab, Jase," sez I, as he
was a going to speak again, "I'm in the right on't--if we want to give
these English Lords a true idea of us, act out human natur, and give me
a warm, honest welcome, but less soft soap."
As I'd spoke out, jest so, the bell rung, and a hull grist of big bugs
got out of some carriages at the door and come in. There was three or
four harnsome wimmen and gals dressed off in silks and satins, with the
dresses all fringed off round the bottom and a hugging tight up to them
white necks as close as the skin to an eel, and a showing off the wide
shoulders and leetle tapering waists about the best of any dresses I
ever sot eyes on. The men folks had on span white gloves, and looked as
if they'd jest come out of a band-box. While Jase was a blustering about
from one to t'other, I jest cut stick for the other room, detarmined not
to have any more jaw with the critter if I could help it. Miss Slick and
Jemima looked sour enough to turn new milk; but Lord Morpeth he cum
right up to me and begun to talk as if I'd been his twin brother. He
asked me about every thing on arth, and more too; all about the way we
raise onions and garden sarce, how much hay our Weathersfield meadows
give to an acre, and all about our district schools, meeting houses, and
the old blue laws of Connecticut. When I told him that a man was fined
five dollars for bussing his wife on the sabberday arter he'd been away
to sea four years, Lord Morpeth he larfed right out as nat'ral as could
be. Then I took turn about and asked him a few pozers about Old England,
and he answered right up like a man that understood things, for all he
was a Lord. I raly took a shine to the critter, though I'd made up my
mind agin it, tooth and nail, and while he was a talking I took a good
squint at his head and face.
He aint so over harnsome, not quite so good looking as a sartin chap I
could tell you on if I wasn't so mealy-mouthed, but then he's got an
allfired big head, high up over the ears, and one that looks chuck full
of brains as an egg is full of meat. His eyes aint great black starers
like some folk's, but as bright as diamonds, and as sharp as a hull
paper of cambrick needles, and they know how to look right straight
through a feller without flinching the first glance.
Purty soon, the gals and them chaps I'd seen in the hall cum a pouring
in, and then there was no more talk with Lord Morpeth; he had to be led
around like a race-horse by Miss Slick and Jemima, and I cum in for my
share of the fun, for arter he and I got so thick together, they begun
to think what I'd said was according to gunter, and sot it all down for
eccentricity of genius instead of ginuine common sense; howsomever, I
did not care so long as all was ship-shape agin with 'em, for I hate to
get a woman a pouting with me, for if I'm ever so right it makes me feel
kinder ugly.
* * * * *
THE DINNER SCENE.
We hadn't but just got settled down when the great wide looking-glass
that I've told you of, seemed to slide back of the curtains to the lower
eend of the room, and by gauly! there was another room further on, with
a table sot in it all kivered over with silver plates, and soup dishes,
and Chiny ware, with one of them trees of gold and glass all lighted up,
and swung to the wall, a glittering, and flashing, and pouring down the
shine over the heap of silver things, till it made a feller ketch his
breath on'y jest to peak in.
Lord Morpeth he gin his arm to my pussy she cousin--Jase gin his to a
harnsome gal that stood close to him, and I crooked my elbow up to
Jemima, for I kinder wanted to make up for what I'd sed about her
reading--poor critter! she aint to blame if she is a little shaller. The
rest on 'em followed on two and two, and arter a little we all sot down
round the table with six great strapping fellers, with blue and white
regimentals on, and gloves on all their twelve hands, a standing up
behind our chairs. I can't give you no idea of what we had to eat, for
they called every thing by some darn'd jaw-breaker of a name, and kept a
carrying things on and off and giving a feller clean plates all of
solid silver, till it a'most made me dizzy with seeing them a flashing
about so in the critters' hands. They had all sorts of mince meat with
hard names tucked to it, and fish kivered with gravy, and butter, and
every thing else, and sich a darn'd heap of things that I can't begin to
tell you all. I tried to take a bite of everything, but it wasn't of no
use--I was purty well filled up afore the puddings, and pies, and
custards cum on, and arter they were carried off I thought we'd all made
a purty good Thanksgiving dinner, considering it wasn't to hum, and I
can't tell when I've felt so big and pussy; but jest as I was thinking
we'd got about through, the fellers went to work and swept the hull
table clean as could be, and by-am-by on they cum agin with silver
baskets full of grapes, and oranges, and prunes, with a grist of fust
rate apples, and hull bunches of raisins that made a feller feel wrothy
because he'd eat enough, they looked so tempting a hanging over the
sides of them silver baskets, and a looking so meller in the light that
cum a shining down from the consarn overhead.
When the wimmen folks had jest eat a few grapes, and mebby a chunk of
orange or so, Miss Slick she got up and off they went into t'other room,
but yet a looking back sort of longing, jest as Eve did when the angels
made her quit the garden of Eden, poor critter!
The minit the wimmen folks had made themselves scarce the servants begun
to cut about like all possessed, and a hull regiment of decanters and
cider bottles with sheet-lead caps to 'em, marched onto the table, and
arter them cum another regiment of glasses, some of 'em round and bulky
with short stems and kinder dark green, some white as ice, and then agin
some that was short and slender, cut on in squares, and red as a gal's
lip, besides the long necked cider glasses that stood poking up among
the rest, like a Down East gineral, and his officers ready to lead on
the red and green militia agin the hull squad of bottles and decanters,
till one side gin up beat. The help gin the first shot, for each on 'em
took a bottle, and pop, pop, pop, went the corks--then the red, and
green, and white glasses marched up, and cum off chuck full and a
brimming over with plunder. As for me, I sent up a long necked feller
and took a swig at the cider, and Lord Morpeth he went dead into the
green glasses, but they put me in mind of an old maid's goggles, and I
couldn't take a notion to 'em till arter I'd drunk two hull glasses of
the cider, and then I didn't seem to care what I drank out on. By-am-by
some one called out and wanted a toast. I never heard of topping off a
Thanksgiving dinner with toast afore, but it made me think of hum, and
so I thought I'd have one tu.
"Look a here," sez I to the chap that stood back of my chair, "you may
make me a toast tu, but none of your dry stuff now, but make it as marm
used to, you remember Jase," sez I, "half a pint of hot milk with a
chunk of butter about as big as a piece of chalk melted in, and then the
hull soaked up with slices of toasted bread--hum made is best--one slice
laid on top of t'other. Now you git out, and make some right off," sez I
to the chap, sez I.
"Look a here, Jonce, what are you about?" sez Jase, a poking his elbow
sort of sly into my ribs. "It aint that we mean, we're a going to drink
a toast."
"Wal," sez I, "I haint no arthly objection, but if the feller makes it
according to rule it'll be ruther tough to swaller without some
chawing."
"I tell you," sez Jase agin, "we are a going to drink a toast to Lord
Morpeth in wine."
"Wal," sez I agin, "I haint no objection, if Lord Morpeth likes toast
and wine, it's his idee of what's good, and I can't help it; but as for
me, hand over a bowl of ginuine toast and cider with the bread crumbled
in, Weathersfield fashion, ruther hot, and sweetened well with lasses,
that's my notion. Lord a massey, how marm does mix them critters up,
it's enough to make a feller's nose tingle to think on it, aint it,
cousin Jase."