objection."
"Sartinly," sez he, as easy as all natur, and with that he got up and
walked out of the room, and I arter him, till we cum out onto a sort of
an etarnal big barn floor that was shut out from the rest of the
Theatre, by that whopping curtain that I'd seen the t'other side on it.
There was a hull regiment of empty hay lofts--or what looked jest like
'em, great naked rafters and posts, with rows of smoky lamps stuck on
'em, and what looked like pieces of board fence daubed over with all
sorts of paint, and the wind come a whistling and croaking among them
all, till my teeth a'most begun to chatter in my head.
I was so busy a wondering what on arth those awful dismal premises could
be used for, that I forgot the auctioneer, till he turned round as good
natured as a sucking pig, and asked what I wanted of him.
"Look a here," sez I, as wrothy as could be for the cold, "I want the
gal that I bid off in the Theatre to-night, so you jest hand over and
save trouble, that's all."
The feller he stared at me like a stuck pig, and then he bust right out
a larfing in my face as if he meant to make fun of it all, but he'd got
hold of the wrong chicken for that sort of corn, and I give him to
understand as much afore he'd done with me.
"Now," sez I, "look a here. It aint of no use for you to try to
bamboozle me with your haw-hawing. I want the gal that I bid off--I
don't care how much the charge is. I'll hand over the chink the minit
you'll go to one of them pesky lawyers and git the deed drawn out. I'm
sartin that I outwinked every chap in the theatre, and darn me if I give
up to any of em."
He stared at fust like a calf's head jest dressed, and then he bust out
a larfin, till I was mad enough to kick him on eend till he flew up into
one of the empty hay lofts.
"Come," sez I, "do you mean to toe the mark or not? I'm getting awful
tingley about the fingers eends, I can tell you."
"Now," sez he, a sobering down a leetle, "did you take me for an
auctioneer, in rale arnest?"
I began to feel sort of unsartin what to say, and instead of speaking
right out, I circumnavigated a leetle, for a sort of a notion cum over
me, that mebby, arter all, it wasn't nothing but make-believe, and that
I was jest on the point of making a consarned coot of myself.
"Wal, now, you did it up as cute as a razor, didn't you?" sez I. "It was
eenamost enough to make a feller think that you was in arnest, wasn't
it? but then I aint quite sich a green horn as some chaps that come from
the country, and know what's what. I haint seen anything that tickled me
so much as that--that----"
"Comic song," sez he.
"Oh," sez I, as quick as wink, "you needn't take a feller up afore he's
down. I was jest a going to say that you raly are a sneezer at saying
over them comic songs, and sartinly you do look as nat'ral as life. In
course I knew there warn't no wall-eyed critter a bidding, and thought
I'd jest see if you was as cute a looking critter close to. More than
that, I've got a notion to take a peak at the fixins back of the curtain
close tu--so s'posing you and I jest walk among them hills, and housen,
and trees, that looked so plaguey cool and shady."
I kept on a talking so that he needn't see how tarnal sheepish I felt,
arter making sich a coot of myself as to believe he'd sold Miss Elssler
in rale arnest.
"Why," sez he, as good natured as could be, "here you are, right in the
midst of all the trees and hills and houses that you saw in front."
"Oh, now, you git out!" sez I, "I aint green enough to swaller that, any
how."
He looked round at a pile of old wooden partitions, daubed over with
paint, and a standing edgeways, and sort of slantindicular, under the
naked rafters and hay lofts, and sez he--
"I'm in arnest now--this is all the scenery that you saw from the front.
You stand on the stage, jest back of where I sung my comic song, and
that is the curtain."
"What, that old sloop sail?" sez I. "How you du talk! I sniggers, but I
can't believe it."
"Jest go to the curtain and look through the edge there," sez he.
And with that he went with me, and pulled back the edge of the curtain,
and I gin a sudden peak through. Sure enough, the theatre was right
before me, chuck full of folks, jest as I'd left it; and the pen full of
fiddlers, was a streaming out the music right under my nose, till I
couldn't hear myself think. When I turned round agin, and see how awful
dark and chilly every thing looked, and found myself wandering with Mr.
Williams among a hull univarse of posts, and boards, and lamps, and
painted cloth, I felt chilled through and through, as if I'd got ketched
in a rain storm, and had found kiver in a saw mill. Nothing but a
rickety old barn, or a lot full of white pine stumps, could look half so
dismal.
"Wal," sez I, "if this is the theatre, I pity the poor critters that's
got to get a living in it, any how."
"It's bad enuf," sez Mr. Williams, a twistifying up his face sort of
comical, and yit looking as if he'd bust out a crying if you said two
words more, "its bad enuf, but then we put the best side out."
"I should think you did," sez I, a looking round; but jest that minit I
got a squint at a gal, a streaking it through the posts and boards, all
kivered over with a cloak, but there warn't no cheating me in the
critter. I knew in the dark who it was--nobody on arth but Miss Elssler
could walk so teaterish. My heart riz in my mouth, and without stopping
to say goodnight, I cut away from Mr. Williams and pulled foot after her
like all possessed. She was jest a going out of a dark entryway that led
out doors, when I ketched up with her.
"How do you du, Miss Elssler?" sez I, all in a twitter, "shall I have
the pleasure to see you hum?"
With that I crooked my right elbow and looked right straight down into
the darndest consarned, harnsomest pair of eyes, as arnest as could be,
for I was awfully afeard of gitting the mitten; but she looked up and
see who it was a standing there, with the blood a biling up into his
face, and a trembling all over, he was so arnest; and then she up and
give me one of them tantalizing smiles of her'n, and sez she, as nat'ral
as life, sez she--
"Oh, Mr. Slick, I am so pleased to see you again," and with that she
laid them purty white fingers of her'n on my coat sleeve jest as if I
had been her twin brother. Gracious goodness! how the blood did tingle
and cut about up my arm, and all around the vicinity of my life engine,
the minit that etarnal purty leetle hand touched my arm; but when I
helped her down them dark steps, and had to put my arm kinder round her
waist to keep her from slipping up, I never did feel so all overish in
my hull life. It seemed as if I could a danced on one toe with her to
all eternity, and never felt a hungry nor a dry. There was a coach stood
close to the steps right by the back door of the theatre, and a feller
stood by it a holding the door open. Miss Elssler kinder staggered a
trifle as I went to help her in, so I lent her the leetlest mite of a
genteel boost and got in arter her, jest as if I was tu hum. The inside
of the carriage was chuck full of posies, and there I sot right in the
middle on 'em, with that consarned harnsome critter a smiling and a
talking her soft sodder right in my face till I got to the Astor House.
Gaully offilus! wasn't I as happy as a bee on a red clover top! You
don't know nothing about it, Par.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER XXIII.
Jonathan gets out of love with Fanny Elssler--Doctors the Ague in her
Face and Leaves her--Receives an Invitation from his Pussey Cousin to a
Thanksgiving Dinner, with a three cornered Note for Lord
Morpeth--Jonathan's Opinion of the Travelling Lords and Democratic
Hospitality.
DEAR PAR:
When I'd seen Miss Elssler hum arter the Theatre, I couldn't shut my
eyes all night a thinking about her. She seems to get into a critter's
head like a glass of Cousin Beebe's cider, and dances about there till
everything else is kicked out. Her harnsome face seemed to be a bending
over mine and smiling into my eyes through the dark all night, and if it
was to save my life, I couldn't get a wink of sleep. Sometimes it seemed
as if she was a whirling round and round with one toe on the bed post, a
spreading out her hands so tempting, and flying about jest at my feet.
Then again it seemed to me as if she was a standing in a corner of the
room and holding her finger up jest to tantalize me, larfing in her
sweet, cunning way, and a cutting up all sorts of tantrims, jest to keep
me awake all night. I got up arly in the morning, but it wasn't of the
leastest mite of use my trying to do anything but think of that
consarned critter; so arter trying to write a letter without making out
anything for two hull hours, I slicked up and went down to Miss
Elssler's room detarmined to give up to once, and not try any more, but
jest stay with her till it was time to go to the sloop, and take a cold
cut as we'd agreed on.
I felt in a tarnation twitter, for all she'd asked me to cum; but I
knocked at the door and walked straight in as if I'd been tu hum. Miss
Elssler was a half lying on that settee that I wrote to you about; her
head was boosted up with pillows and cushions with tossels to the arms,
and them consarned leetle feet of hern jest peaked out from under a
great red shawl that she'd flung over 'em. She ris up sort of quick as
I cum in, and kinder tried to smile, but oh! gracious, how her face
looked! I cut right off short with a jerk in the bow I was a making, and
stared at her with all the eyes I'd got in my head. She'd got the ager,
and that harnsome face of hern was puckered and twistified up till it
looked as if she'd been fed on crab-apples for a whole month.
Her cheeks were swelled a trifle and as red as a piney, and her eyes
kinder sunk in till you couldn't but jest see 'em twinkle, and when she
started herself to larf, her mouth tipped up at one corner and down at
t'other, till it cut across her face slantindic'lar, and made her look
all one side every time she squinched her face. I swow, but it made me
feel wamblecropped to see her; I begun to think there wasn't much chance
for a cold bite aboard the sloop that day, but think sez I, there's no
harm in doctoring any how. So I thought over all the cures marm has for
the ager, and arter calling a waiter, I told him to bring up about a
peck of hops biling hot with vinegar.
When the chap cum back, I tied a hull swad of 'em in a pink silk long
shawl that I found a lying on a chair, and crossed them over the
critter's face, and tied the shawl in a double bow knot on the top of
her head; but the hops were rather hot I reckon, and she squalled out
like all natur till I took 'em off, and sent the waiter off for a ginger
plaster and a bag of hot ashes. Arter she'd tried them a few minits,
they seemed to mollify the ager quite considerable; but as the pain went
off, her face begun to swell and puff up, like a baking of bread wet up
with turnpike emptins, and I see that there warn't no chance left of her
going to Captin Doolittle's cold bite, nor nowhere else for a long
spell.
By-am-by that old maid, that I'd seen before, she cum in, and begun too
look pitchforks and darning-needles at me, as if she thought my room was
as good as my company, so I up and went off, jest stopping to make a
leetle chunk of a bow at the door, to let the old maid see I hadn't
forgot my manners if she had.
I cut for my room, feeling a leetle streaked to think how I'd been a
follering round arter Miss Elssler. I'd been a hankering arter that
critter for nothing on arth but her harnsome face and finefied manners,
when a trifle of cold could transmogrify it so tarnally. It made me feel
cheap, and I couldn't help it.
Marm al'rs said that harb tea was a cure all, but raly I never should a
thought of taking it to get rid of a lovesick fit, and arter all I'm
afeared that Miss Elssler's face will git cured up afore I git over the
tantrum it's sot me into.
Wal, when I'd got to my room agin, there was a letter on the mantle
shelf, sealed with a great whopping bunch of wax, and stomped down with
a round "O," as big as a cent, with a rooster stuck right in the middle
of it. I broke the consarn open, and found out it was an invite to
Thanksgiving Dinner to Cousin Jason Slick's. Arter writing a hull page
of soft sodder, the pussy coot let the cat out of the bag. There's an
English lord a putting up here, and he wanted me to ask him up to his
house to dinner, and said Lord Morpeth would sartinly come if I asked
him, because we were both kinder of literary together.
Now, if there's anything on arth that I despise, it's a genuine true
born Yankee a hankering arter the big-bug lords that come over here,
on'y jest because they've got a long tail to their names. For my part, I
haint no idee of demeaning myself in that way anyhow. If a lord behaves
himself like folks, he's as good as a Yankee any day; and he ought to be
treated jest as well, and I don't think the most ginuine republican
amongst us ought to be ashamed to ask him to take pot luck or a glass of
drink, if he likes it.
As long as they treat us according to gunter, when we go to see them on
t'other side of the water, it is no more than the fair thing if we take
turn about, and do the genteel by them a trifle. We ought to feel
streaked with all our lands and barns full of grain, if we can't give a
foreign chap something to eat and drink without grudging on it, and then
agin, without being tickled to death because they don't feel too much
pomposity to eat it.
Jason had sent a leetle finefied letter inside of mine, doubled over and
twisted up at the corners like an old fashioned cocked hat, and smelling
as sweet as a garden pink root in full blow. It was directed in leetle
finefied writing to His Highness the Right Honorable Lord
Morpeth--Howard Member of Parliament, &c., &c. Think sez I, this
English chap needn't be consarned that his kite wont sail high among the
Yankees for want of a long tail to it, if they all tuck the etceteras
onto his name so strong as cousin Jase does.
But I hadn't no idee of being waiter to my pussy cousin, anyhow. If Jase
has a mind to send his invite to a lord, done up like a cocked hat, let
him be his own nigger, or else send it by the post-office--I wasn't a
going to do it for him nor touch it. No lord that is any great shakes
will think the better of an honest Republican for acting as if he was
scared to ask him to eat dinner, or tickled to death if he didn't feel
tu much stuck up to come with plain Yankee asking.
I made up my mind, that if Lord Morpeth took a notion to eat
Thanksgiving with Jase, he'd be jest as likely to get his paper cocked
hat from the Post Office, as anywhere. So, as I was a going through the
Park, I took the consarn between my thumb and finger, for fear of siling
it, and tucked it through a slit in the post office, made a purpose for
city letters; and off I went, a tickling myself eenamost to death, with
thinking how the post office clarks would giggle and stare, and snuff up
their noses to see such a pinted critter directed to a Lord, and a
smelling so sweet, with a long tail of names curled up in all the
corners,--and Lord Morpeth, tu, wouldn't he set our Jase down for a
shaller pated coot? I've a kind of a sneaking notion that it's as like
as not he would, but that's none of my bisness. In this country, a
feller aint to blame for his relations, that's one comfort.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER XXIV.
Description of Cousin Jason's Equipage--Figure cut by Mrs. Jason Slick
and her Daughter--Manners of a Noble Lord--The Dinner--Jason boasts of
his Birth, Heraldry, and Coat of Arms--Jonathan creates great
Consternation by proclaiming the Head of the Family as a
Shoemaker--Makes a Speech.
DEAR PAR:
Wal, next day was Thanksgiving, and down come another letter to say that
Lord Morpeth was a coming, and that Jase was a going to send down his
span fired new carriage to the Astor House, arter Lord Morpeth and I,
afore dinner time; and he gin me to understand, that if I could keep the
carriage a spell afore the Astor House steps, where folks could get a
chance to see the new fixings and horses, there wouldn't be no harm done
to nobody,--the darned mean pussy coot! When a feller tries to make me
do a mean thing I'm awful ugly, my Yankee grit is up in a jiffy, and I'm
jest like a skeery horse that al'rs backs up hill when you want to lead
him down.
Afore this I'd been on a cyphering voyage through my purse to see if I
couldn't afford to go down to Lynde & Jennings' and bye a new narrow
collar'd coat and some other dandy consarns, seeing I was a going to
dine with a Lord; but when this letter cum I detarmined to go in the old
fix up, jest to let this Lord and my pussy cousin see a ginuine Yankee
that wasn't ashamed of hisself in a homespun coat and trousers.
Howsomever I gin myself a purty good sudsing, and shaved as close as a
Wall street broker; besides I did some extra fixing to my collar and
hair, and paired off my finger-nails harnsomely, and scrubbed the yaller
from off my teeth with the corner of a brown towel that I found in my
saddle-bags; for there aint no reason that I know on, why a true born
American shouldn't wash up and keep a clean face and a stiff upper lip,
if he does weed his own onions and wear a humspun coat. A chap may live
in a land of Liberty and let these lords know it tu, without swellin
like a toad to outshine the British, or going slouching about as if we
put a tax on soap and water, jest as they do on winder glass.
For my part, I didn't mean to let Lord Morpeth think that we give so
much soft soap here in York without keeping enough to wash our own faces
on thanksgiving day.
When I was fixed up about tu the right noch, down stairs I went, with
the eend of my checkered silk neck-hankercher a tucked under my streaked
vest, my hair slicked down on both sides, my face a shining like a new
pin, and my boots blacked up till they glistened like a gal's eye.
I tucked up my yaller silk hankercher clear into my coat pocket, for I
didn't feel like showing all out to once, and I put my new mittens on
sort a careless, and streaked the blue and red fringe up as I went down
the Astor House steps through a double row of dandies that had swarmed
out of the stun hall above to see my pussey cousin's carriage and horses
that stood a glistening jest afore the house.
There the carriage stood right in Broadway, about the dashingest consarn
that ever I sot eyes on. The wheels were a good ways apart and black as
a minister's coat, and a great harnsome box swung over 'em, shut up
tight, and a glistening in the sun till it a'most blinded a feller's
eye-sight to look on it. There was a door on each side as big as them in
the pulpit of our meeting house, with a whopping square of glass in the
top and bottom all figgered off with gold, and then crouchonts, and
lions, and roosters all pictered out in gold tu, and looking as nat'ral
as life, for all they were so yaller and jammed down in a heap till it
seemed as if the lions would roar right out, and the rooster give a
coo-co-doo-dle-do if any body went tu tuch them.
Behind the hull consarn, was a great wide flat stair, with two pussy
fellers a standing on it,--each on 'em holding to a yaller tossel fixed
tight to the coach and dressed out like folks in the theatre, with great
high boots, and topped off with a wide rim of white, wide white cuffs to
their coats, and white ribbons and beaus twisted round their hats.
Right in front was a seat with a great square cushion on it, and all
hung off with the finest kind of boughten cloth and piles of heavy
yaller fringe, with the golden lions, and crouchants, and roosters
pictered out and a glistening among the folds, till it a'most outshined
the sun--and that was purty bright for November.
A tall feller dressed out like the chaps behind, sot on this heap of
gimcracks with a great long whip stuck up by his elbow, and a holding in
two tremendous harnsome black horses that stood hitched to the carriage,
under a hull net of black shiney leather, golden buckles, and deers'
heads cut out in chunks of gold, and sot on to the blinder, and
saddle-trees, and every place an inch square that they could be poked
in.
If there is a critter on arth that I take tu, it's a good horse, and I
couldn't help but be proud of them smashing arnimals as they shook their
heads up so sarsy, as if the sun hadn't no business in their great eyes
that had fire enough in 'em without its help, and pawed on the ground
with their fore-feet--the mettlesome varmints!--like a couple of
harnsome women, chuck full of music and crazy to dance it off.
When the chaps saw me a coming down the Astor House steps, one of 'em
jumped down and opened the door and let out a hull grist of steps down
to the ground, all kivered over with the brightest kind of carpet, till
it looked as if somebody had been a flinging hull baskets full of posies
all over 'em for me to stomp down with my shiney boots, if I wanted tu.
Jest as I was a thinking whether it was best for Lord Morpeth to come
before I got in myself--for I didn't want to du nothing that wasn't
according to gunter, if he was a lord--a feller come down the Astor
House steps dressed off to the nines, with a harnsome cloak slung across
his shoulder, and one side of his hat tipped up jest enough to show a
hull swad of curly hair a frizzling round his ears.
He had a leetle dab of hair a curling jest under his nose, and another
leetle peaked consarn up in a pint from his chin.
When this chap come down the steps, the other varmint that stood behind
the carriage in his white topped stompers give a dive to the arth, and
stood a one side the door which t'other one held open. Think sez I, this
is Lord Morpeth as sure as a gun; so I haul'd back my foot from the fust
step, for I was jest a going to get in, and I stepped back as the chap
come up, and arter making him a half bow--for I never give off the extra
touches in a bow only to the harnsome gals--sez I,
"Walk in, Lord Morpeth, and I'll foller arter."
The feller looked at me sort of supercillious, and I could see the dab
of hair on his lip curl the leastest mite scornful as if he smelt
something that didn't agree with him. He didn't make a bow, but stepped
back as if he didn't jest know what to du.
I give my mitten a short flourish towards my hat, and arter stepping
back agin, sez I--
"Arter you is manners for me. Make yourself to hum, Lord Morpeth."
The chap looked at me agin, and then he went close to the feller that
held the door, and said that Lord Morpeth couldn't go jest yit, but that
we'd better go on and he'd come by-am-by; and with that he went up the
steps agin without as much as saying, git out, to me.
Gawrie, but wasn't I wrothy to see that crowd of York dandies see me
slighted so by a lord. There they stood a puckering up their faces like
monkeys in a show, and there I stood feeling as mean as the meanest
among 'em; but arter a minit my dander ris right up.
"Darn the critter," sez I, a'most out loud, and a pulling my mitten up
so wrothy that a whole swad of frieze gin away in my hand. "Does the
stuck up varmint feel above riding with an honest Yankee, because he
haint got no title? I'll be licked if a lord ever gets a speck of good
manners from me agin, consarn the hull biling on 'em."
With that I gin an allfired jump, and settled down in the carriage, as
savage as a young arthquake, and sot down on one of the harnsome
cushions kivered over with silks and figgered off with blue and white
roses, that kivered the two seats and sort of sprangled up over the
sides and ruff of the carriage. A narrow finefied border squirmed all
around the cushions, around the doors, and into all the corners, and the
hull consarn made a chap feel as if he was shut up in a band-box, lined
with silk and with a chunk of the sky, white clouds and all, shut over
him for a lid.
I was so allfired wrothy, that, without thinking on it, I histed my
boots agin one of the cushions, jest as it's nat'ral tu, when a feller's
so mad he can't help it, and left a purty considerable smooch of
blacking amongst the blue and white posies, that sot them off ruther
more than cousin Jase would like, I calculate.
Them carriages do cut dirt so soft and easy like a streak of greased
lightning, that there is no knowing how fast a feller gets along. It
didn't seem more than a half a jiffy when we drew up co-wallop right
afore Jase's house. Down got the two varmints in white topped stompers,
open went the door, and out I jumped.
I didn't have to ring at the silver knob, but the door swung open of
itself, or seemed tu, and in I poked, as independent as a clam in high
water, but not afore I'd ketched a squint at that shaller little Jemima,
a peaking out from behind the winder curtains to see who was coming with
me.