more! 'Up hammocks, boys--clear the decks, and prepare for action!
'that's the way to live and be merry; then the music of a good broadside
pouring into an enemy's under-works, and cutting her slap in two between
wind and water--that's glory, my christian! May I never taste grog
again, if we are not all ruined by the peace. There's only one fighting
fellow left of the old stock of commanders, and they have turned him
out of the navy lest he should infect the psalm-singers. Look out a-head
there, shipmate; d'ye see that fine frigate, the Peranga, now lying oft'
Spithead, and can you ever forget Basque Roads and the gallant Cochrane?
I just got a glimpse of his figure head t'other morning, coming up
Point here; so I hauled to and threw my shattered hulk slap across his
headway, lowering my top-gallants as I passed round under his bows.
'Officer,' said he, 'you and I should know one another, methinks.'
'Success attend your honour,' said I; 'do you remember your
master-gunner when you captured the Spanish galleon, who carried away
a spar or two in the action?' 'What, Tom Tackier said he: 'Heaven help
thee, lad! I'd give the bounty of a good boat's crew if I could put you
into sailing-trim and commission again; but here, officer, is something
to drink to old acquaintance with, and if you can find your way on board
the Peranga to-morrow, I'll take care they don't throw you over the
ship's side before you have had a skinfull of grog: 'so seizing fast
hold of my single tin with both his grappling-irons, I thought he would
have shook it out of the goose-neck at parting; and when I went on board
next day, he treated me like a port-admiral, and sent me on shore with
every cranny well-filled, from my beef-tub to my grog-bucket, and put
a little more of the right sort o' stuff" in my jacket pockets to pay
harbour dues with. That's the commander for me! And now I hear, after
having taken ~186~~and destroyed all the Spanish king's navy, he's off
to give the Grand Signor a taste of his quality. My forelights! how
I should like to see him with his double rows of grinders wide open,
bearing down upon a whole fleet of Mussulmen--there'd be weeping, and
wailing, and gnashing o' teeth among the Turks! I wouldn't give my
wooden pin for the whole of the Grand Sultan's flotilla. But come,
shipmate, may I never want 'bacca, if we don't drink his health, and
that 'ere gemman you've taken in tow shall join us, if he likes." I
was too much amused to desire to part company just yet, and the
good-humoured tars perceiving my bent, linked themselves to each arm,
and in this way, laughing at the curiosity we provoked, did our party
reach the middle of Point-street, and brought ourselves to anchor
under the head of old Admiral Benbow, where Tom assured us we should
be supplied with the best of grog and ship-stores of the first quality.
Horace had proceeded to escort some ladies, whom he met with on board
the steamboat, to the house of a friend in the High-street, where I
had appointed to meet him in the space of an hour. Sitting myself down
therefore with my two jovial associates, I determined to humour
the frolic which had brought me into the society of such eccentric
characters. "Shiver my timbers! Jem," said the one-legged mariner, "but
you never make any inquiries after Betsy Bluff, among your other old
friends. It's true, the wench has got spliced again, to be sure; but
then, you know, she waited three years, and had the log-books overhauled
first." "Ay, ay, Tom, so they say she did; but I never believed 'em:
howsomedever, that wasn't the worst of it; for having got my will and my
power in her possession, she drew all my pay and prize-money, and when
at last I got home from an enemy's keeping, I had not a shot left in the
locker to keep myself. But the mischief did not end even there, for she
disgraced me, ~187~~and the British flag, by marrying a half-starved
tailor, and setting him up in the Sally port with the money that I had
been fighting the enemies of my country for. May I never get groggy
again, if I couldn't have forgiven her freely if she'd taken some
honest-hearted fellow, like yourself, in tow, who had got disabled in
the service, or consorted with a true man of war's man, all right and
tight; but to go and lash herself alongside of such a crazy land lubber
as this ninth degree of manhood--may I never taste 'bacca again if
Bet's conduct is bearable! She's no wife of mine, Tom; and when I go to
pieces, a wreck in this world, may I be bolted into old Belzy's caboose
if she shall be a copper fastening the better for Jem Buntline!" During
the recital of this story the countenance of the old tar assumed a fiery
glow of honest indignation, and when he had finished the tale, his fore
lights gave evident signs that his heart had been long beating about
in stormy restlessness at the remembrance of his wife's unfaithfulness.
"Cheer up, messmate," said Tom; "I see how the land lies. Come, fill
your pipe, and I'll sing you the old stave I used to chant on Saturday
nights, when we messed together on board the Leander.
A man's like a ship on the ocean of life,
The sport both of fair and foul weather,
Where storms of misfortune, and quicksands of strife,
And clouds of adversity gather.
If he steers by the compass of honour, he'll find,
No matter what latitude meets him,
A welcome in every port to his mind,
And a friend ever ready to greet him.
If love takes the helm in an amorous gale,
Of the rocks of deception beware,
Steer fairly for port, and let reason prevail,
And you're thus sure to conquer the fair.
For the Bay of Deceit keep a steady look out,
Steer clear of the shoals of distress,
~188~~
Yet ever be ready to tack and about
When the black waves of misery press.
Like a vessel, digest out in all colours, d'ye see,
Are the virtues and vices of life:
Blue and red are the symbols of friendship and glee,
White and black of ill-humour and strife.
True worth, like true honour, is born of no clime,
But known by true courage and feeling,
Where power and pity in unison chime,
And the heart is above double dealing."
[Illustration: page189]
"Ay, Tom, now you're on the right tack--a good song, and a jovial
friend, and let the marines blubber about love and lullaby, it'll never
do for the sailors. As we are overhauling old friends, do you remember
Charley Capstan, the coxswain's mate of the Leander V "Shiver my
timbers, but I do; and a bit of tough yarn he was, too: hard as old junk
without, and soft as captain's coop meat within. Wasn't I one of the
crew that convoyed him up this very street when returning from a cruise
off the Straits, we heard that Charley's old uncle had slipt his cable,
and left him cash enough to buy out and build a ship of his own? That
was a gala, messmate! There was Charley, a little fat porpoise, as
round as a nine-pounder, mounted on an eighteen gallon cask of the
real Jamaica, lashed to a couple of oars, and riding astride, on his
messmates' shoulders, up to the Point. Then such a jolly boat's crew
attended him, rigged out with bran new slops, and shiners on their
topmasts, with the Leander painted in front, and half a dozen fiddlers
scraping away 'Jack's alive,' and all the girls decked out in their
dancing dresses, with streamers flying about their top-gallants, and
loose nettings over their breastworks--that was a gala, messmate! And
didn't Charley treat all Point to the play that night, and engage the
whole of the gallery cabin for his own friends' accommodation; and when
the reefers in the hold turned saucy, didn't you and two or three more
~189~~drop down upon 'em, and having shook the wind out of their sails,
run up the main haliards again, without working round by the gangway?"
"Right, Tom, right; and don't you remember the illumination, when we
stuck up ten pound of lighted candles round the rim of the gallery
before the play began, and when Jane Shore was in the midst of her
grief, Charley gave the signal, and away they went, like a file of
marines from a double broadside, right and left, tumbling about the ears
of the reefers and land lubbers in the chicken coops below? Those were
the days of glory, messmate, when old Jack Junk, who had never seen a
play before, took it all for right down arnest matter o' fact; and when
poor Mrs. Shore came to ask charity of that false-hearted friend of
hers, what was jealous of her, and fell down at the door, overcome
by grief and hunger, poor Jack couldn't stand it no longer; so after
suffering the brine to burst through the floodgates of his heart, till
he was as blind as our chaplain to sin, he jumped up all at once, and
made for the offing, blubbering as he went, 'May I be blistered, if
ever I come to see such cruel stuff as this again!' Then didn't Stephen
Collins, and Kelly, and Maxfield, the three managers, come upon deck,
and drink success to the Leander's crew, out of a bucket of grog we had
up for the purpose, and the ould mare of Portsmouth sent his compliments
to us, begging us not to break our own necks or set fire to the
playhouse? Another glass, Jem, to the crew of the Leander: don't you
remember the ducking ould Mother Macguire, the bum-boat woman, received,
for bringing paw-paw articles on board, when we came in to refit?" "May
I never want 'bacca, if I shall ever forget that old she crocodile!
Wasn't it her that brought that sea-dragon, Bet Bluff, on board, and
persuaded me to be spliced to her? shiver her timbers for it!" "Avast
there! messmate," said Tom: "when you ~190~~can't skuttle an enemy, it's
best to sail right away from her hulk before she blows up and disables
her conqueror. May I never get groggy, if I shall ever forget the
joke between you and the old Sheenie, when you threatened to throw him
overboard for selling you a dumb time-keeper. 'Blesh ma heart,' said the
Jew, while his under works shook like a cutter's foresail going about,
'how could you expect de vatch to go well, ven de ship vas all
in confushion?' an excuse that saved him from sailing ashore in a
skuttle-bucket." "Have you weathered Gosport lately?" inquired Jem:
"there used to be a little matter of joviality going forward there upon
the beach in war time, but I suppose it's all calm enough now." "All
ruined by the peace; and all that glorious collection of the kings and
queens of England, and her admirals and heroes, which used to swing to
and fro in the wind, when every house upon the beach was a grog-shop,
are past, vanished, or hanging like pirates in tatters; the sound of a
fiddle never reaches their ears; and the parlour-floors, where we used
to dance and sing till all was blue, are now as smooth and as clean as
the decks of Lord Nelson's flag ship, the Victory, which lies moored in
our harbour, like a Greenwich pensioner, anchored in quiet, to drop to
pieces with old age. You may fire a nine-pounder up the principal street
at noon-day now and not hurt any body; and if the peace lasts much
longer, horses may graze in their roads, and persons receive pensions
for inhabiting the vacant houses." The period within which I had
promised to join Horace Eglantine had now elapsed. It was no easy task
to separate myself from my nautical friends, and the amusement they had
afforded me demanded some acknowledgment in return; calling, therefore,
for a full bowl of punch, we drank success to the British navy, toasted
wives and sweethearts, honoured our gracious king, shook ~191~~hands at
parting, like old friends, and having promised to renew my acquaintance
before I left Portsmouth, I bade adieu to jolly Jem Buntline and what
remained of his noble messmate, the lion-hearted Tom Tackle.
[Illustration: page 191]
EVENING, AND IN HIGH SPIRITS.
A SCENE AT LONG'S HOTEL.
~192~~
Sketches of Character--Fashionable Notorieties--Modern
Philosophy--The Man of Genius and the Buck--"A short Life
and a merry one "--A Short Essay on--John Longs--Long Corks
--Long Bills--Long Credits--Long-winded Customers--The
Ancients and the Moderns, a Contrast by Old Crony.
Ye bucks who in manners, dress, fashion, and shiny,
So often have hail'd me as lord of your gang--
"O lend me your ears!" whilst I deign to relate
The cause of my splendour, the way to be great;
My own chequered life condescend to unfold,
And give a receipt of more value than gold;
Reveal t' ye the spot where the graces all dwell,
And point out the path like myself to excel.
--Pursuits of Fashion.
Only contrive to obtain the character of an eccentric, and you may ride
the _free horse_ round the circle of your acquaintance for the remainder
of your life. If my readers are not by this time fully satisfied of my
peculiar claims to the appellation of an _oddity_, I have no hopes of
obtaining pardon for the past whims and fancies of a volatile muse,
or anticipating patronage for the future wanderings of a restless
and inquisitive humorist. But my bookseller, a steady, persevering,
inflexible sort of personage, whose habits of business are as rigid as a
citizen of the last century, or a puritan of the Cromwell commonwealth,
has lately suffered the marble muscles of his frigid countenance to
unbend with a sort of mechanical ~193~~inclination to an expression
of--what shall I say--lib--lib--liberality; no, no, that will never
do for a bookseller--graciousness--ay, that's a better phrase for the
purpose; more characteristic of his manner, and more congenial to my
own feelings. Well, to be plain then, whenever a young author can pass
through an interview with the headman of the firm without hearing any
thing in the shape of melancholy musings, serious disappointments,
large numbers on hand, doubtful speculation, and such like pleasant
innuendoes, he may rest satisfied that his book is selling well, and
his publisher realizing a fair proportion of profit for his adventurous
spirit. I am just now enjoying that pleasant gratification, the
reflection of having added to my own comforts without having detracted
from the happiness of others. In short, my scheme improves with every
fresh essay, and my friend Bob Transit, who has just joined me in
a bottle of iced claret at Long's, has been for some minutes busily
engaged in booking mine host and his exhibits; while I, under pretence
of writing a letter, have been penning this introduction to a chapter on
fashion and its follies, annexing thereunto a few notes of characters,
that may serve to illustrate that resort of all that is exquisite and
superlative in the annals of high ton. "Evening, and in High Spirits,"
--a scene worthy of the acknowledged talent of the artist, and full of
fearful and instructive narrative for the pen of the English Spy. Seated
snugly in one corner of Long's new and splendid coffee-room, we had
resolved on our entering to depart early; but the society we had
the good fortune to be afterwards associated with might have tempted
stronger heads than those of either Bob Transit the artist, or Bernard
Blackmantle the moralist.
[Illustration: page193]
"Waiter, bring another bottle of iced claret, and tell Long to book
it to the king's lieutenant." "By the honour of my ancestry," said the
Honourable Lillyman Lionise, "but I am devilishly cut already."
~194~~"You do well, mighty well, sir, to swear by the honour of your
ancestors; for very few of your modern stars have a ray of that same
meteoric light to illumine their own milky way."
"That flash of your wit, lieutenant, comes upon one like the electric
shock of an intended insult, and I must expect you will apologize."
"Then I fear, young valiant, you will die of the disease that has killed
more brave men than the last twenty years' war."
"And what is that, sir, may I ask?"
"Expectation, my jewel! I've breakfasted, dined, supped, and slept upon
it for the last half century, and am not one step higher in the army
list yet."
"But, lieutenant, let me observe that--that--"
"That we are both pretty nigh bosky, and should not therefore be too
fastidious in our jokes over the bottle."
Enter Waiter. "The claret, gentlemen. Mr. Long's compliments, and he
requests permission to assure you that it is some of the late Duke of
Queensberry's choice stock, marked A one."
"Which signifies, according to Long's edition of Cocker, that we must
pay double for the liqueur. Come, Lionise, fill a bumper; and let us
tails of the lion toast our caput, the sovereign, the first corinthian
of his day, and the most polished prince in the world."
"Tiger, Tiger,"{1} ejaculated a soft voice in the adjoining box; "ask
Tom who the trumps are in the next stall, and if they are known here,
tell them the Honourable Thomas Optimus fills a bumper to their last
toast."
1 Since the death of the Earl of Barrymore, Tom has
succeeded to the "vacant chair" at Long's; nor is the Tiger
Mercury the only point in which he closely resembles his
great prototype.
~196~~A smart, clever-looking boy of about fifteen years of age darted
forward to execute the honourable's commands; when having received the
requisite information from the waiter, he approached the lieutenant and
his friend, and with great politeness, but no lack of confidence, made
the wishes of his master known to the _bon vivants_; the consequence
was, an immediate interchange of civilities, which brought the
honourable into close contact with his merry neighbours; and the result,
a unanimous resolution to make a night of it.
At this moment our _tete-a-tete_ was interrupted by the appearance of
old Crony, who, stanch as a well-trained pointer to the scent of
game, had tracked me hither from my lodgings; from him I learned
the lieutenant was a fellow of infinite jest and sterling worth; a
descendant of the O'Farellans of Tipperary, whose ancestry claimed
precedence of King Bryan Baroch; a specimen of the antique in his
composition, robust, gigantic, and courageous; time and intestine
troubles had impaired the fortunes of his house, but the family
character remained untainted amid the conflicting revolutions that had
convulsed the emerald isle. Enough, however, was left to render the
lieutenant independent of his military expectations: he had joined the
army when young; seen service and the world in many climates; but the
natural uncompromising spirit which distinguished him, partaking perhaps
something too much of the pride of ancestry, had hitherto prevented his
soliciting the promotion he was fairly entitled to. Like a majority of
his countrymen, he was cold and sententious as a Laplander when sober,
and warm and volatile as a Frenchman when in his cups; half a dozen
duels had been the natural consequence of an equal number of intrigues;
but although the scars of honour had seared his manly countenance, his
heart and person were yet devoted to the service of the ladies. Fame had
trumpeted forth his prowess in the wars of ~196~~Venus, until notoriety
had marked him out an object of general remark, and the king's
lieutenant was as proud of the myrtle-wreath as the hero of Waterloo
might be of the laurel crown.
But see, the door opens; how perfumed, what style! Long bows to the
earth. What an exquisite smile! Such a coffee-house visitor banishes
pain: While Optimus rising, cries "Welcome, Joe Hayne! May you never
want cash, boy--here, waiter, a glass; Lieutenant, you'll join us in
toasting a lass. I'll give you an actress--Maria the fair." "I'll drink
her; but, Tom, you have ruined me there. By my hopes! I am blown, cut,
floor'd, and rejected, At the critical moment, sirs, when I expected
To revel in bliss. But, here's white-headed Bob, My prime minister; he
shall unravel the job. And if Jackson determines you've not acted well,
I'll mill you, Tom Optimus, though you're a swell." "Sit down, Joe; be
jolly--'twas Carter alone That has every obstacle in your way thrown.
Nay, never despair, man--you'll yet be her liege; But rally again, boy,
you'll carry the siege." Thus quieted, Joe sat him down to get mellow;
For Joe at the bottom's a hearty good fellow.
"Have you heard the report," said Optimus, "that Harborough is actually
about to follow your example, and marry an actress? ay, and his old
flame, Mrs. Stonyhewer, is ready to die of love and a broken heart in
consequence."
"Just as true, my jewel, as that I shall be gazetted field-marshal; or
that you, Mr. Optimus, will be accused of faithfulness to Lady Emily.
Our young friend here, the rich commoner, has given currency to such
a variety of common reports, that the false jade grows bold enough to
beard us in our very teeth."
"Why, zounds! lieutenant," said Lionise, "how very sentimental you are
becoming."
"It's a way of mine, jewel, to appear singular in some sort of society."
~197~~"And satirical in all, I'll vouch for you, lieutenant;" said
Optimus.
"By Jasus, you've hit it! if truth be satire, it's a language I love,
although it's not very savoury to some palates."
"Will the duke marry the banker's widow, Joel that's the grand question
at Tattersall's, now your match with Maria's off, and Earl Rivers's
greyhounds are disposed of. Only give me the office, boy, in that
particular, and I'll give you a company to-morrow, if money will
purchase one; and realize a handsome fortune by betting on the event."
"Then I'll bet Cox and Greenwood's cash account against the
commander-in-chief's, that the widow marries a Beau-clerc, becomes in
due time Duchess of St. Alban's, and dies without issue, leaving her
immense property as a charitable bequest to enrich a poor dukedom; and
thus, having in earlier life degraded one part of the peerage, make
amends to the Butes, the Guildfords, and the Burdetts, by a last
redeeming act to another branch of the aristocracy."
"At it again, lieutenant; firing ricochet shot, and knocking down duck
and drake at the same time."
"Sure, that has been the great amusement of my life; in battle and
abroad I have contrived to knock down my share of the male enemies of my
country; in peace and at home I've a mighty pleasant knack of winging a
few female bush fighters."
"But the widow, my dear fellow, is now a woman of high {2} character;
has not the moral Marquis of Hertford undertaken to remove all ------and
disabilities? and did he not introduce the lady to the fashionable world
at his own hotel, the Piccadilly (peccadillo) Guildhall? Was not the
fete at Holly Grove attended by H.R.H. the Duke of York, and Mrs. C--y,
and all the virtuous portion of our nobility? and has she not since been
admitted to the parties at the Duke of "Query--did Mr. Optimus mean
_high_ as game is _high_?
~198~~Devonshire's, and what is still more wonderful, been permitted to
appear at court, and since, in the royal presence, piously introduced to
the whole bench of Bishops?"
"By Jasus, that's true; and I beg belle Harriette's pardon. But, I well
remember, I commanded the cityguard in the old corn-market, Dublin, on
the very night her reputed father, jolly Jack Kinnear, as the rebels
called him, contrived to wish us good morning very suddenly, and took
himself off to the sate of government."
I shall be obliged to entertain the world with a few of her
eccentricities some day or other; the ghost of poor Ralph Wewitzer cries
loudly for revenge. The sapient police knight, when he _secured the box
of letters_ for his patroness, little suspected that they had all been
_previously copied_ by lieutenant Terence O'Farellan of the king's own.
A mighty inquisitive sort of a personage, who will try his art to do her
justice, spite of "leather or prunella."
The party was at this moment increased by the arrival of Lord William,
on whose friendly arm reposed the Berkley Adonis--"_par nobile
fratrum_."
"Give me leave, lieutenant," said his lordship, "to introduce my friend
the colonel." "And give me leave," whispered Optimus, "to withdraw my
friend Hayne, for 'two suns shine not in the same hemisphere.'"
"The man that makes a move in the direction of the door makes me
his enemy," said the lieutenant, loudly. And the whole party were
immediately seated.
Hitherto, my friend Crony and myself had been too pleasantly occupied
with the whim, wit, and anecdote of the lieutenant, to pay much
attention to the individuality of character that surrounded the festive
board; but, having now entered upon our second bottle, the humorist
commenced his satirical sketches.--
"Holding forth to the gaze of this fortunate time The extremes of the
beautiful and the sublime."
~199~~"Suppose I commence with the pea-green count," said Crony. "I know
the boy's ambition is notoriety; and an artist who means to rise in
his profession should always aim at painting first-rate portraits,
well-known characters; because they are sure to excite public inquiry,
thus extending the artist's fame, and securing the good opinion of his
patrons by the gratification of their unlimited vanity. The sketch too
may be otherwise serviceable to the rising generation; the Mr. Greens
and Newcomes of the world of fashion, if they would avoid the sharks who
infest the waters of pleasure, and are always on the anxious _look-up_
for a nibble at a new 'come out.'
"The young exquisite's connexion with the fancy, or rather with the
lowest branch of that illustrious body, the bruising fraternity and
their boon companions, had been, though not an avowed, a real source
of jealousy to many of his dear bosom friends at Long's hotel, from the
moment of the count's making his _debut_,
'_Imberbis juvenis, tandem custode remote_,'
into the fashionable world. That he would be ultimately floored by his
milling _proteges_ it did not require the sagacity of a conjurer to
foresee; nor was it likely that the term of such a catastrophe would
be so tediously delayed, as to subject any one who might be eager to
witness its arrival to that sickness of the heart which arises from hope
deferred. But this process for scooping out the Silver (or Foote) Ball,
as he has since been designated, by no means suited the ideas of the
worthies before alluded to. The learned Scriblerus makes mention of
certain _doctors_,{3} frequently seen at White's in his day, of a modest
and upright appearance, with no air of overbearing, and habited like
true masters of arts in black and white only. They were justly styled,
says the above high authority,
3 A cant phrase for dice,
~200~~subtiles and graves, but not always irrefragabiles, being
sometimes examined and, by a nice distinction, divided and laid open.
The descendants of these doctors still exist, and have not degenerated,
either in their numbers or their merits, from their predecessors. They
take up their principal residence in some well-known mansions about the
neighbourhood of the court, and many of the gentlemen who honoured the
count with their especial notice on his _entree_ into public life are
understood to be familiarly acquainted with them. Now could they have
only instilled into the young gentleman a wish to be introduced to these
doctors, or once prevailed upon him to take them in hand for the
purpose of deciding what might be depending upon the result of the
investigation; nay, could they even have spurred him on to an exhibition
of his tactics, in manoeuvring
'Those party-colour'd troops, a shining train,
Drawn forth to combat on the velvet plain;'
they could have so delightfully abridged the task which to their
impatient eyes appeared to be much too slow in executing, could
have spared their dear friend so much unnecessary time and labour in
disencumbering himself of the superfluity of worldly dross which had
fallen to his share. A little _cogging, sleeving, and palming_; nay, a
mere spindle judiciously planted, or a few long ones introduced on the
weaving system, could have effected in one evening what fifty milling
matches, considering the 'glorious uncertainty' attaching to pugilistic
as well as legal contests, might fail to accomplish. By this method,
too, the person in whom they kindly took so strong an interest would,
even when he had lost every thing, have escaped the imputation of having
dissipated his property. It would have been comfortably distributed
in respectable dividends among a few gentlemen of acknowledged talent,
instead of floating in air like the leaves of the