Cross, Charing Cross, affords the greatest variety of character and
entertainment to a humorist. Vehicles to all parts of the kingdom, and
from the inscription on the Dover coaches, I might add to all parts of
the world, _via Paris_. "Does that coach go the whole way to France?"
said an ~278~~unsuspecting little piece of female simplicity to me, as
I stood lolling on the steps at the coach-office door. "Certainly,"
replied I, unthinkingly. "O, then I suppose," said the speaker, "they
have finished the projected chain-pier from Dover to Calais." "France
and England united? nothing more impossible," quoth I, correcting
the impression I had unintentionally created. "Are you going by the
Brighton, mam?" "Yes, I be." "Can't _take_ all that luggage." "Then you
sha'n't _take_ me." "Don't wish to be __taken for a waggon-man."
"No, but by Jasus, friend, you are a wag-on-her," said a merry-faced
Hibernian, standing by. "Have you paid down the _dust_, mam?" inquired
the last speaker. "I have paid for my place, sir," said the lady; "and
I shall lose two, if I don't go." "Then by the powers, cookey, you had
better pay for one and a half, and that will include luggage, and then
you'll be a half gainer by the bargain." "What a cursed narrow hole this
is for a decent-sized man to cram himself in at?" muttered an enormous
bulky citizen, sticking half-way in the coach-door, and panting for
breath from the violence of his exertions to drag his hind-quarters
after him. "Take these hampers on the top, Jack," said the porter below
to the man loading the coach, and quietly rested the baskets across the
projecting _ultimatum_ of the fat citizen (to the no little amusement
of the bystanders), who through his legs vociferated, "I'll indict you,
fellows; I'll be----if I don't, under Dick Martin's act." "It must be
then, my jewel," said the waggish Hibernian, "for overloading a mule."
"Do we take _the whole_ of you to-day, sir?" said coachee, assisting to
push him in. "What do you mean by _the whole_? I am only one man."
"A master tailor," said coachee, aside, "he must be then, with the
_pickings_ of nine poor journeymen in his paunch." "Ish tere any room
outshide te coach?" bawled out a black-headed little Israelite; "ve
shall be all shmotered vithin, ~279~~tish hot day; here are too peepels
inshite, vat each might fill a coach by temselves." "All right--all
right; take care of your heads, gemmen, going under the gateway; give
the bearing rein of the near leader one twist more, and pole up the off
wheeler a link or two. All right, Tom--all right--stand away from the
horses' heads, there--ehewt, fee'e't!"--smack goes the whip, and away
goes the Brighton Times like a Congreve rocket, filled with all manner
of combustibles.
The box-seat has one considerable advantage--it exempts you from the
inquisitive and oftentimes impertinent conversation of a mixed group
of stage-coach passengers; in addition to which, if you are fond of
driving, a foible of mine, I confess, it affords an opportunity for an
extra lesson on the noble art of _handling the ribbons_, and at the same
time puts you in possession of all the topographical, descriptive, and
anecdotal matter relative to the resident gentry and the road.
The first two miles from the place of starting is generally occupied
in clearing obstructions on the road, taking up old maids at their own
houses, with pug-dogs, pattens, and parrots, or pert young misses at
their papas' shop-doors; whose mammas take this opportunity of delaying
a coach-load of people to display their maternal tenderness at parting,
while the junior branches of the family hover round the vehicle, and
assail your ears with lisping out their eternal "good b'yes," and the
old hairless head of the family is seen slyly _tipping_ coachee an
extra shilling to take care of his darling girl. The Elephant and Castle
produces another _pull-up_, and here a branch-coach brings a load of
lumber from the city, which, while the porter is stowing away, gives
time to exhibit the _lions_ who are leaving London in every direction.
King's Bench rulers with needy habiliments, and lingering looks, sighing
for term-time and ~280~~a _horse_,{1} on one side the road, and Jews,
newsmen, and _touters_, on the other; who nearly _give away_ their
goods, if you believe them, for the good of the nation, or force you
into a coach travelling in direct opposition to the road for which
you have been booked, and in which your luggage may by such mischance
happily precede you at least half a day. At length all again is declared
right, the supervisor delivers his _way-bill_, and forward moves the
coach, at a somewhat brisker pace, to Kennington Common. I shall not
detain my readers here with a long dull account of the unfortunate
rebels who suffered on this spot in 1745; but rather direct their
attention to a neat Protestant church, which has recently been erected
on the space between the two roads leading to Croydon and Sutton, the
portico of which is in fine architectural taste, and the whole
building a very great accommodation and distinguished ornament to the
neighbourhood. About half a mile farther, on the rise of Brixton hill,
is another newly erected church, the portico in the style of a Greek
temple, and in an equally commanding situation: from this to Croydon,
ten miles, you have a tolerable specimen of civic taste in rural
architecture.
On both sides of the road may be seen a variety of incongruous edifices,
called villas and cottage _ornees_, peeping up in all the pride of a
retired linen-draper, or the consequential authority of a man in office,
in as many varied styles of architecture as of dispositions in the
different proprietors, and all exhibiting (in their possessors' opinion)
claims to the purest and most refined taste.
For example, the basement story is in the Chinese or Venetian style,
the first floor in that of the florid Gothic, with tiles and a
pediment _a-la-Nash_, at the Bank; a doorway with inclined jambs, and a
hieroglyphic _a-la-Greek_: a gable-ended glass _lean to_ on
1 A day-rule, so called.
~281~~one side, about big enough for a dog-kennel, is called a
green-house, while a similar erection on the other affords retirement
for the _tit_ and tilbury; the door of which is always set wide open
in fine weather, to display to passers-by the splendid equipage of the
occupier. The parterre in front (green as the jaundiced eye of their
less fortunate brother tradesmen) is enriched with some dozens of
vermilion-coloured flower-pots mounted on a japanned verdigris frame,
sending forth odoriferous, balmy, and enchanting gales to the grateful
olfactory organs, from the half-withered stems of pining and consumptive
geraniums; to complete the picture, two unique plaster casts of naked
figures, the Apollo Belvidere and the Venus de Medici, at most a foot
in altitude, are placed on clumsy wooden pedestals of three times that
height before the parlour-windows, painted in a chaste flesh-colour,
and guarded by a Whitechapel bull-cdog, who, like another Cerberus, sits
growling at the gate to fright away the child of poverty, and insult the
less wealthy pedestrian.
Happy country! where every man can consult his own taste, and build
according to his own fancy, amalgamating in one structure all the known
orders and varieties, Persian, Egyptian, Athenian, and European.
Croydon in 1573 contained the _archiepiscopal palace_ of the celebrated
Archbishop Parker, who, as well as his successor Whitgift, here had
frequently the honour to entertain Queen Elizabeth and her court: the
manor since the reign of William the Conqueror has belonged to the
Archbishops of Canterbury. The church is a venerable structure, and the
stately tower, embowered with woods and flanked by the Surrey hills,
a most picturesque and commanding object; the interior contains some
monuments of antiquity well worthy the attention of the curious. The
town itself has little worthy of note except the hospital, ~282~~founded
by Archbishop Whitgift for a warder and twenty poor men and women,
decayed housekeepers of Croyden and Lambeth: a very comfortable and
well-endowed retirement.
"This was formerly the King's road," said coachee, "but the radicals
having thought proper to insult his majesty on his passing through to
Brighton during the affair of the late Queen, he has ever since gone by
the way of Sutton: a circumstance that has at least operated to produce
one christian virtue among the inhabitants, namely, that of humility;
before this there was no _getting change_ for a civil sentence from
them."
To Merstham seven miles, the road winds through a bleak valley called
Smithem Bottom, till recently the favourite resort of the cockney
gunners for rabbit-shooting; but whether from the noise of their
harmless double-barrel _Nocks_, or the more dreadful carnage of the
Croydon poachers, these animals are now exceedingly scarce in this
neighbourhood. Just as we came in sight of Merstham, the distant view
halloo of the huntsman broke upon our ears, when the near-leader rising
upon his haunches and neighing with delight at the inspiring sound, gave
us to understand that he had not always been used to a life of drudgery,
but in earlier times had most likely carried some daring Nimrod to the
field, and bounded with fiery courage o'er hedge and gate, through dell
and brake, outstripping the fleeting wind to gain the honour of _the
brush_. Ere we had gained the village, reynard and the whole field broke
over the road in their scarlet frocks, and dogs and horses made a dash
away for a steeple chase across the country, led by the worthy-hearted
owner of the pack, the jolly fox-hunting Colonel, Hilton Jolliffe, whose
residence caps the summit of the hill. From hence to Reigate, four miles
farther, there was no circumstance or object of interest, if I except a
very romantic tale coachee ~283~~narrated of his hunting leader, who had
of course been bred in the stud of royalty itself, and had since been
the property of two or three sporting peers, when, having put out a
_spavin_, during the last hunting season, he was sold for a __machiner;
but being since fired and turned out, he had come up all right, and
was now, according to coachee's disinterested opinion, one of the best
hunters in the kingdom. As I was not exactly the customer coachee was
looking for, being at the time pretty well mounted, I thought it better
to indulge him in the joke, particularly as any doubt on my part might
have soured the whip, and made him sullen for the rest of the journey.
At Reigate a trifling accident happened to one of the springs of the
coach, which detained us half an hour, and enabled me to pay a visit
to the celebrated sand cavern, where, it is reported, the Barons met,
during the reign of King John, to hold their councils and draw up
that great _palladium_ of English liberty, _Magna Charta_, which was
afterwards signed at Runnymede.
There was something awful about this stupendous excavation that
impressed me with solemn thoughtfulness; it lies about sixty feet from
the surface of the earth, and is divided into three apartments with
arched roofs, the farthest of which is designated the Barons' Chamber.
Time flowed back upon my memory as I sat in the niches hewn out in the
sides of the cavern, and meditation deep usurped my mind as I dwelt on
the recollections of history; on the
"Majestic forms, and men of other times,
Retired to fan the patriotic fire,
Which, bursting forth at Runnymede,
With rays of glory lightened all the land!"
Near to the mouth of this cavern stands the remains of Holms Castle,
celebrated in the history of the civil wars between Charles the
First and his parliament; and on the site of an ancient monastic
establishment, ~284~~near to the spot, has been erected a handsome
modern mansion called the Priory of Holmsdale, the name of the valley
in which the town is situate. Returning to the inn I observed the new
tunnel, which we had previously passed under, a recent work of great
labour and expense, which saves a considerable distance in the approach
to the town; it has been principally effected by a wealthy innkeeper,
and certainly adds much to the advantage and beauty of the place.
Coachee had now made all right, and his anxious passengers were again
replaced in their former situations to proceed on our journey. The
next stage, ten miles, to Crawley, a picturesque place, afforded little
variety, if I except an immense elm which stands by the side of the
road as you enter, and has a door in front to admit the curious into its
hollow trunk. Our next post was Cuckfield, nine miles, where I did not
discover any thing worthy of narration; from this to Brighton, twelve
miles, coachee amused me with some anecdotes of persons whom we passed
upon the road. A handsome chariot, with a most divine little creature
in the inside, and a good-looking _roue_, with huge mustachios, first
attracted my notice: "that is the golden Ball," said coachee, "and his
new wife; he often _rolls down_ this road for a day or two--spends his
cash like an emperor--and before he was _tied up_ used to tip pretty
freely for _handling the ribbons_, but that's all up now, for _Mamsell_
Mercandotti finds him better amusement. A gem-man who often comes down
with me says his father was a slopseller in Ratcliffe Highway, and
afterwards marrying the widow of Admiral Hughes, a rich old West India
nabob, he left this young gemman the bulk of his property, and a
very worthy fellow he is: but we've another rich fellow that's rather
notorious at Brighton, which we distinguish by the name of the _silver
Ball_, only he's a bit of a _screw_, and has lately ~285~~got himself
into a scrape about a pretty actress, from which circumstance they have
changed his name to the _Foote Ball_. I suppose you guess where I am
now," said coachee, tipping me one of his knowing winks. "Do you see
that machine before us, a sort of cabriolet, with two horses drove in
a curricle bar? that is another _swell_ who is very fond of Brighton,
a Jew gentleman of the name of Solomon, whom the wags have made a
Christian of by the new appellation of the _golden calf_; but his
godfathers were never more out in their lives, for in _splitting a bob_,
it's my opinion, he'd bother all Bevis Marks and the Stock Exchange
into the bargain." In this way we trotted along, gathering good air and
information at every step, until we were in sight of Brighton Downs, a
long chain of hills, which appear on either side; with their undulating
surfaces covered with the sweet herb wild thyme, and diversified by the
numerous flocks of South-down sheep grazing on their loftiest summits.
After winding through the romantic valley of Preston, the white-fronted
houses and glazed bricks of Brighton break upon the sight, sparkling in
the sun-beams, with a distant glimpse of the sea, appearing, at first
sight, to rise above the town like a blue mountain in the distance: we
entered the place along what is called the London Road, with a view of
the Pavilion before us, the favourite abode of royalty, shooting its
minaret towers and glass dome upwards in the most grotesque character,
not unlike the representations of the Kremlin at Moscow; exciting, at
the first glance, among the passengers, the most varied and amusing
sallies of witticisms and conjectures.--Having procured a sketch of it
from this view, I shall leave you to contemplate, while I retire to
my inn and make the necessary arrangements for refreshment and future
habitation.
By way of postscript, I enclose you a very entertaining scene I
witnessed between D'Almaine and ~286~~his wife the night previous to my
journey: they are strange creatures; but you love eccentrics, and may be
amused with this little drama, which formed the motive for my visit.
Horatio Heartly.
[Illustration: page286]
THE PROPOSITION.
_Family Secrets--Female Tactics--How to carry the Point._
~287~~"It was ever thus, D'Almaine," said Lady Mary; "always hesitating
between a natural liberality of disposition, and a cold, calculating,
acquired parsimony, that has never increased our fortune in the sum of
sixpence, or added in the slightest degree to our domestic comforts."
"All the _prejudice of education_" said D'Almaine, good-humouredly; "my
old uncle, the banker, to whose bounty we are both much indebted, my
dear, early inculcated these notions of thrift into the brain of a
certain lighthearted young gentleman, whose buoyant spirits sometimes
led him a little beyond the _barrier of prudence_, and too often left
him environed with difficulties in the _marshes of impediment_. 'Look
before you leap,' was a wise saw of the old gentleman's; and 'be just
before you're generous,' a proverb that never failed to accompany a
temporary supply, or an additional demand upon his generosity."--"Hang
your old uncle!" replied Lady Mary, pouting and trying to look
ill-tempered in the face of Lord Henry's good-natured remonstrance,--"I
never ask a favour for myself, or solicit you to take the recreation
necessary to your own health and that of your family, but I am pestered
with the revised musty maxims of your dead old uncle. He has been
consigned to the earth these ten years, and ~288~~if it were not for the
ten thousand per annum he left us, ought long since to have shared the
fate of his ancestry, whose names were never heard more of than the
tributary tablet imparts to the eye of curiosity in a country church,
and within whose limits all inquiry ends." "Gratitude, Lady Mary, if
not respect for my feelings, should preserve that good man's name
from reproach." Lord Henry's eye was unusually expressive--he
continued:--"The coronet that graces your own soul-inspiring face would
lack the lustre of its present brilliancy, but for the generous bequest
of the old city banker, whose _plum_ was the _sweetest windfall_ that
ever dropt into the empty purse of the poor possessor of an ancient
baronial title. The old battlements of Crackenbury have stood many a
siege, 'tis true; but that formidable engine of modern warfare, the
_catapulta_ of the auctioneer, had, but for him, proved more destructive
to its walls than the battering-ram and hoarse cannonades of ancient
rebels."
~288~~When a woman is foiled at argument, she generally has recourse
to finesse. Lady Mary had made up her mind to carry her point; finding
therefore the right column of her vengeance turned by the smart attack
of D'Almaine's raillery, she was determined to out-flank him with
her whole park of well-appointed artillery, consisting of all those
endearing, solicitous looks and expressions, that can melt the most
obdurate heart, and command a victory over the most experienced general.
It was in vain that Lord Henry urged the unusual heavy expenses of the
season in town,--the four hundred paid for the box at the opera,--or the
seven hundred for the greys and the new barouche,--the pending demand
from Messrs. Rundell's for the new service of plate,--and the splendid
alterations and additions just made to the old family hall,--with
~289~~numerous other most provoking items which the old steward had
conjured up, as if on purpose, to abridge the pleasures of Lady Mary's
intended tour. "It was very _distressing_--she heartily wished there
was no such thing as money in the world--it made people very
miserable--they were a much happier couple, she contended, when they
were merely Honourables, and lived upon a paltry two thousand and
the expectancy--there never was any difficulty then about money
transactions, and a proposition for a trip to a watering-place was
always hailed with pleasure."--"True, Lady Mary; but then you forget we
travelled in a stage coach, with your maid on the outside, while my
man servant, with a led-horse, followed or preceded us. Then, we were
content with lodgings on the West-cliff, and the use of a kitchen: now,
we require a splendid establishment, must travel in our own chariot,
occupy half a mews with our horses, and fill half a good-sized barrack
with our servants. Then, we could live snug, accept an invitation to
dinner with a commoner, and walk or ride about as we pleased, without
being pointed at as _lions_ or _raro aves_ just broke loose from the
great state aviary at St. James's." "We shall scarcely be discovered,"
said Lady Mary, "among the stars that surround the regal planet."--"We
shall be much mortified then," said Lord Henry, facetiously.--"You are
very provoking, D'Almaine. I know your turf speculations have proved
fortunate of late: I witnessed Sir Charles paying you a large sum
the other morning; and I have good reason for thinking you have
been successful at the club, for I have not heard your usual morning
salutation to your valet, who generally on the occasion of your losses
receives more checks than are payable at your bankers. You shall advance
me a portion of your winnings, in return for which I promise you good
health, good society, and, perhaps, if the stars _shoot ~290~~rightly_,
a good place for our second son. In these days of peace, the distaff can
effect more than the field-marshal's baton."--"Always provided," said
my sire (clapping his hand upon his _os frontis_), "that nothing else
_shoots out_ of such condescensions."
"But why has Brighton the preference as a watering place?" said Lord
Henry: "the Isle of Wight is, in my opinion, more retired;
Southampton more select; Tunbridge Wells more rural; and Worthing more
social."--"True, D'Almaine; but I am not yet so old and woe-begone, so
out of conceit with myself, or misanthropic with the world, to choose
either the retired, the select, the rural, or the social. I love the
bustle of society, enjoy the promenade on the Steyne, and the varied
character that nightly fills the libraries; I read men, not books, and
above all I enjoy the world of fashion. Where the King is, there is
concentrated all that is delightful in society. Your retired dowagers
and Opposition peers may congregate in rural retirement, and sigh with
envy at the enchanting splendour of the court circle; those only who
have felt its cheering influence can speak of its inspiring pleasures;
and all who have participated in the elegant scene will laugh at the
whispers of malignity and the innuendoes of disappointment, which are
ever pregnant with some newly invented _on dit_ of scandalous tendency,
to libel a circle of whom they know nothing but by report; and that
report, in nine instances out of ten, 'the weak invention of the
enemy.'" "Bravo, Lady Mary; your spirited defence of the Pavilion party
does honour to your heart, and displays as much good sense as honest
feeling; but a little interest, methinks, lurks about it for all that: I
have not forgotten the honour we received on our last visit; and you, I
can perceive, anticipate a renewal of the same gratifying condescension;
so give James his instructions, and let him proceed to Brighton
to-morrow to make the necessary arrangements for our arrival."
~291~~Thus ended the colloquy in the usual family manner, when well-bred
men entertain something more than mere respect for their elegant and
accomplished partners.
[Illustration: page291]
SKETCHES AT BRIGHTON.
_The Pavilion Party--Interior described--Royal and Noble
Anecdotes--King and Mathews_.
~292~~I had preceded D'Almaine and the Countess only a few hours in my
arrival at Brighton; you know the vivacity and enchanting humour which
ever animates that little divinity, and will not therefore be surprised
to hear, on her name being announced at the Pavilion, we were honoured
with a royal invitation to an evening party. I had long sighed for an
opportunity to view the interior of that eccentric building; but to
have enjoyed such a treat, made doubly attractive by the presence of
the King, reposing from the toils of state in his favourite retreat, and
surrounded by the select circle of his private friends, was more than my
most sanguine expectations could have led me to conjecture. Suspending,
therefore, my curiosity until the morrow, relative to the Steyne, the
beach, the libraries, and the characters, I made a desperate effort in
embellishing, to look unusually stylish, and as usual, never succeeded
so ill in my life. Our residence on the Grand Parade is scarcely a
hundred yards from, and overlooks the Pavilion--a circumstance which
had quite escaped my recollection; for with all the natural anxiety of a
young and ardent mind, I had fully equipped myself before the Count had
even thought of entering his dressing-room. Half-an-hour's lounge at
the projecting window of our new habitation, on a tine summer's evening,
gave me an opportunity of remarking the ~293~~singular appearance the
front of this building presents:
"If minarets, rising together, provoke
From the lips of the vulgar the old-fashioned joke--
'_De gustibus non est_ (I think) _disputandum_'
The taste is plebeian that quizzes at random."
There is really something very romantic in the style of its
architecture, and by no means inelegant; perhaps it is better suited for
the peculiar situation of this marine palace than a more classical or
accredited order would be. It has been likened, on its first appearance,
to a chess-board; but, in my thinking, it more nearly resembles that
soul-inspiring scene, the splendid banquet table, decorated in the best
style of modern grandeur, and covered with the usual plate and glass
enrichments: for instance, the central dome represents the water magnum,
the towers right and left, with their pointed spires, champagne bottles,
the square compartments on each side are exactly like the form of
our fashionable liqueur stands, the clock tower resembles the centre
ornament of a plateau, the various small spires so many enriched
_candelabra_, the glass dome a superb dessert dish; but