--Finigan's Dialogue with Hycy
The severest tax upon Hycy's powers of invention was, in consequence of
his habits of idleness, to find means of occupying his time. Sometimes,
it is true, he condescended to oversee the men while at work, but
there it was generally found that so far from keeping them to their
employment, he was a considerable drawback upon their industry. The
ordinary business of his life, however, was riding about the country,
and especially into the town of Ballymacan and home again. He was also a
regular attendant in all the neighboring fairs; and we may safely assert
that no race in the province ever came off without him.
On the second day after his interview with Teddy Phats and the Hogans,
he was riding past the post-office, when he heard the window tapped,
and, on approaching, a letter was handed out to him, which on opening he
found to contain the following communication:--
“Worthy Mr. Hyacinthus--
“A friend unknown to you, but not altogether so to fame, and one.
whom no display of the subtlest ingenuity on behalf of your acute and
sagacious intellect could ever decypher through the medium of this
epistle, begs to convey to you a valuable portion of anonymous
information. When he says that he is not unknown to fame, the assertion,
as far as it goes, is pregnant wid veracity. Mark that I say, as far
as it goes, by which is meant the assertion as well as the fame of your
friend, the inditer of this significant epistle. Forty-eight square
miles of good sound fame your not inerudite correspondent can
conscientiously lay claim to; and although there is, with regret I admit
it, a considerable portion of the square superficies alluded to, waste
and uncultivated moor, yet I can say, wid that racy touch of genial and
expressive pride which distinguishes men of letters in general, that the
other portions of this fine district are inhabited by a multitudinity
of population in the highest degree creditable to the prolific powers
of the climate. 'Tisn't all as one, then, as that thistle-browsing
quadruped. Barney Heffeman, who presumes, in imitation of his betters,
to write Philomath after his name, and whose whole extent of literary
reputation is not more than two or three beggarly townlands, whom, by
the way, he is inoculating successfully wid his own ripe and flourishing
ignorance. No, sir; nor like Gusty Gibberish, or (as he has been most
facetiously christened by his Reverence, Father O'Flaherty) Demosthenes
M'Gosther, inasmuch as he is distinguished for an aisy and prodigal
superfluity of mere words, unsustained by intelligibility or meaning,
but who cannot claim in his own person a mile and a half of dacent
reputation. However, _quid multis_ Mr. Hyacinthus; 'tis no indoctrinated
or obscure scribe who now addresses you, and who does so from causes
that may be salutary to your own health and very gentlemanly fame,
according as you resave the same, not pretermitting interests involving,
probably, on your part, an abundant portion of pecuniarity.
“In short, then, it has reached these ears, Mr. Hyacinthus, and between
you and me, they are not such a pair as, in consequence of their
longitudinity, can be copiously shaken, or which rise and fall according
to the will of the wearer; like those of the thistle-browser already
alluded to; it has reached them that you are about to substantiate a
a disreputable--excuse the phrase--co-partnership wid four of the most
ornamental villains on Hibernian earth, by which you must understand me
to mane that the villains aforesaid are not merely accomplished in all
the plain principles and practices of villainy, but finished off even
to its natest and most inganious decorations. Their whole life has been
most assiduously and successfully devoted to a general violation of the
ten commandments, as well as to the perpetual commission of the seven
deadly sins. Nay, the 'reserved cases' themselves can't escape them, and
it is well known that they wont rest satisfied wid the wide catalogue of
ordinary and general iniquity, but they must, by way of luxury, have a
lick at blasphemy, and some of the rarer vices, as often as they can,
for the villains are so fastidious that they won't put up wid
common wickedness like other people. I cannot, however, wid anything
approximating to a safe conscience, rest here. What I have said has
reference to the laws of God, but what I am about to enumerate relates
to the laws of man--to the laws of the land Wid respect, then, to them,
I do assure you, that although I myself look upon the violation of a
great number of the latter wid a very vanial squint, still, I say, I
do assure you that they have not left a single law made by Parliament
unfractured. They have gone over the whole statute-book several times,
and I believe are absolutely of opinion that the Parliament is doing
nothing. The most lynx-eyed investigator of old enactments could not
find one which has escaped them, for the villains are perfectly black
letter in that respect; and what is in proper keeping wid this, whenever
they hear of a new Act of Parliament they cannot rest either night or
day until they break it. And now for the inference: be on your
guard against this pandemonial squad. Whatever your object may be in
cultivating and keeping society wid them, theirs is to ruin you--fleece
was the word used--an I then to cut and run, leaving Mr. Hycy--the
acute, the penetrating, the accomplished--completely in the lurch. Be
influenced, then, by the amicitial admonitions of the inditer of this
correspondence. Become not a smuggler--forswear poteen. The Lord forgive
me, Mr. Hycy--no, I only wished to say forswear--not the poteen--but
any connection wid the illegal alembic from which it is distillated,
otherwise they will walk off wid the 'doublings,' or strong liquor,
leaving you nothing but the residuum or feints. Take a friend's advice,
therefore, and retrograde out of all society and connection wid the
villains I have described; or if you superciliously overlook this
warning, book it down as a fact that admits of no negation, that
you will be denuded of reputation, of honesty, and of any pecuniary
contingencies that you may happen to possess. This is a sincere advice
from
“Your Anonymous Friend,
“Patricius O'Finigan, Philomath.”
After perusing this characteristic production, Hycy paused for a little,
and felt it very probable that there might be some reasonable grounds
for its production, although he could scarcely understand upon what
motive these fellows should proceed to practice treachery towards him.
That they were without principle or honesty he was perfectly satisfied;
but he knew it was their interest to keep within bounds in all matters
connected with their employment, He laughed very heartily at Finigan's
blunder--for such it evidently was--in signing his name to a document
that he intended to be anonymous.
“At all events,” thought he, “I will ride over to his 'seminary,' as he
calls it, and see what he can mean, or what his object is in sending me
such a warning.”
He accordingly did so, and in some twenty minutes reached a small cabin
that stood about a couple of hundred yards from the high-road. A little
bridle way led to it, as did several minor pathways, each radiating
from a different direction. It was surrounded by four or five acres of
common, where the children played from twelve to one, at which hour
Mr. O'Finigan went to the house of some wealthy benefactor to dine. The
little village of Ballydruthy, at a short distance from which it stood,
was composed of a couple dozen dwelling-houses, a chapel, a small
grocer's and publican's, together with a Pound at the entrance, through
which ran a little stream necessary to enable the imprisoned cattle to
drink.
On riding up to the school, Hycy, as he approached the door, heard his
own name repeated by at least two dozen voices.
“Here's a gintleman, masther”--“It's Misther Hycy Burke, sir “--“It is,
bedad, sir, Hycy the sportheen--”
“Him that rides the race, masther”--“Ay, an' he has on top-boots and
buckskins, an's as gran' as a gintleman--”
“Silence!” said Finigan, “silence! I say; is this proper scholastic
decorum in the presence of a stranger? Industry and taciturnity, you
reptiles, or castigation shall result. Here, Paddy Sparable,” he
added, rising up--“here, you nailroad, assume my office, and rule
the establishment till I return; and, mark me, as the son of a nailer,
sirra, I expect that you will rule them with a rod of iron--ha! ha! ha!”
“Ay, but Paddy Pancake's here to-day, sir, an' he's able to welt me; so
that's it's only leathered I'd get, sir, i' you plase.”
“But have you no officers? Call in aid, I ordher you. Can't you make
Sam Scaddhan and Phiddher Mackleswig there two policeman get Pancake
down--flatten him--if he prove contumacious during my absence. Pancake,
mark me, obedience is your cue, or, if not, the castigator here is your
alternative; there it is, freshly cut--ripe and ready--and you are not
to be told, at this time o' day, what portion of your corpus will catch
it. Whish-h-h!--silence! I say. How do you do, Mr. Burke? I am proud of
a visit from you, sir; perhaps you would light down and examine a class.
My Greeks are all absent to-day; but I have a beautiful class o' Romans
in the Fourth Book of Virgil--immortal Maro. Do try them, Mr. Hycy; if
they don't do Dido's death in a truly congenial spirit I am no classic.
Of one thing I can assure you, that they ought; for I pledge my
reputation it is not the first time I've made them practice the Irish
cry over it. This, however, was but natural; for it is now well known to
the learned that, if Dido herself was not a fair Hibernian, she at least
spoke excellent Irish. Ah, Mr. Hycy,” he added, with a grin, “the birch
is the only pathetic switch growing! Will you come in, sir?”
“No, thank you, Mr. Finigan; but perhaps you would have the goodness
to come out for a little;” and, as he spoke, he nodded towards the
public-house. “I know the boys will be quiet until you return.”
“If they don't,” replied Finigan, “the alternative is in no shape
enigmatical. Mark what I've already said, gintlemen. Sparable, do you
keep a faithful journal of the delinquents; and observe that there are
offices of importance in this world besides flagellating erudition into
reptiles like you.”
He then looked about him with an air of vast importance, and joined Hycy
on his way to the public-house. Having ordered in the worthy pedagogue's
favorite beverage, not forgetting something of the same kind for
himself, he addressed Finigan as follows:--
“Finigan, I received a devilish queer letter from you to-day--take your
liquor in the mean time--what did you mean by it?”
“From me, Mr. Hycy--_nego_, I say--_pugnis et calc bu nego_.”
“Come, come, you know you wrote me an anonymous letter, referring to
some ridiculous copartnership or other that I can neither make head nor
tail of. Tell me candidly what you meant.”
“Very good, Mr. Burke; but sure I know of old that jocularity was always
your forte--even when laying in under my own instruction that sound
classical substratum on which the superstructure of your subsequent
knowledge was erected, you were always addicted to the facetious and the
fabulous--both of which you contrived to blend together with an ease and
volubility of language that could not be surpassed.”
“That is all very well; but you need not deny that you wrote me the
letter. Let me ask you seriously, what was it you warned me against?”
“_Propino tibi salulem_--here's to you. No, but let me ask you what you
are at, Mr. Hycy? You may have resaved an anonymous letter, but I am
ignorant why you should paternize it upon me.”
“Why, because it has all the marks and tokens of you.”
“Eh?--to what does that amount? Surely you know my handwriting?”
“Perfectly; but this is disguised evidently.”
“Faith,” said the other, laughing, “maybe the inditer of it was
disguised when he wrote it.”
“It might be,” replied Hycy; “however, take your liquor, and in the mean
time I shall feel exceedingly obliged to you, Mr. Finigan, if you will
tell me the truth at once--whether you wrote it or whether you did
not?”
“My response again is in the negative,” replied Finigan--“I disclaim it
altogether. I am not the scribe, you may rest assured of it, nor can I
say who is.”
“Well, then,” said Hycy, “I find I must convict you yourself of the
fabulous at least; read that,” said he, placing the letter in his own
hands. “Like a true Irishman you signed your name unconsciously; and now
what have you to say for yourself?”
“Simply,” replied the other, “that some knave, of most fictitious
imagination, has forged my name to it. No man can say that that is my
manuscription, Mr. Hycy.” These words he uttered with great coolness;
and Hycy, who was in many things a shrewd young fellow, deemed it better
to wait until the liquor, which was fast disappearing, should begin to
operate. At length, when about three-quarters of an hour had passed, he
resolved to attack his vanity.
“Well, well, Finigan, as regards this letter, I must say I feel a good
deal disappointed.”
“Why so, Mr. Hycy?”
“Why, because I did not think there was any other man in the country who
could have written it.”
“Eh? how is that now?”
“Faith, it's very simple; the letter is written with surprising
ability--the language is beautiful--and the style, like the land of
Canaan, flowing with milk and honey. It is certainly a most uncommon
production.”
“Now, seriously, do you think so? At all events, Mr. Hycy, it was
written by a friend of yours--that's a clear case.”
“I think so; but what strikes me is its surprising ability; no wonder
the writer should say that he is not unknown to fame--he could not
possibly remain in obscurity.”
“Mr. Hycy, your health--I remember when you were wid me you certainly
were _facile princeps_ for a ripe judgment, even in your rudiments;
so then, you are of opinion that the epistle in question has janius?
I think myself it is no everyday production; not I believe such as
the thistle-browser Heffernan, or Misther Demosthenes M'Gosther could
achieve--the one wid his mile and a half, and the other wid his three
townlands of reputation. No, sir, to the divil I pitch them both; they
could never indite such a document. Your health, Mr. Hycy--_propino
tibi_, I say; and you are right, _ille ego_--it's a a fact; I am the
man, sir--I acknowledge the charge.”
This admission having been made, we need scarcely add that an
explanation was at at once given by Finigan of the motive which had
induced him to write the letter.
“On laving the kemp,” said he, “and getting into the open air--_sub
diu_, Mr. Hycy--I felt a general liquidation of my whole bodily
strength, with a strong disposition to make short excursions to the
right or to the left rather than hold my way straight a-head, with, I
must confess, an equal tendency to deposit my body on my mother earth
and enact the soporiferous. On passing Gerald Cavanagh's kiln, where
the Hogans kennel, I entered, and was greeted wid such a chorus of
sternutation as you might expect from a pigsty in midsummer, and made me
envy the unlicked young savages who indulged in it. At the period spoken
of neither you nor they had come in from the kemp. Even this is but a
dim recollection, and I remember nothing more until I overheard your
voice and theirs in dialogue as you were about to depart. After you
went, I heard the dialogue which I hinted at in the letter, between
Teddy Phats and them; and knowing my position and the misbegotten satyrs
by whom I was surrounded, I patiently waited until they were asleep,
when I quietly took my departure.”
Burke could not help inferring from Finigan's manner, that he had
overheard a greater portion of their conversation on the occasion
alluded to than he seemed disposed to acknowledge.
“Now, Finigan,” he said, “I feel disposed to place every confidence in
you. Will you answer candidly the question I am about to propose to you?
Did you hear Bryan M'Mahon's name mentioned?”
“You say, Mr. Hycy,” replied Finigan, emptying his glass, “that you
would enthertain no apprehension in placing confidence in me?”
“Not the slightest,” replied Hycy; “I believe you to be the very soul of
honor; and, besides, are you not my old master? As you say yourself, did
I not break grammatical ground, under you?”
“The soul of honor,” replied the pedagogue, complacently--“that is
excellently said. Well, then, Mr. Burke, I shall not deal out my
confidence by beggarly instalments--I did hear Bryan M'Mahon's name
mentioned; and I heard a plan alluded to between you and them for
reducing him to--”
“That was all humbug, Finigan, so far as I am concerned; but for the
present I am obliged to let them suppose what you allude to, in order
to keep them honest to myself if I can. You know they have a kind of
hereditary hatred against the M'Mahons; and if I did not allow them to
take their own way in this, I don't think I could depend on them.”
“Well, there is raison in that too,” replied Finigan.
“I am sure, Finigan,” proceeded Hycy, “that you are too honorable a man
to breathe either to Bryan M'Mahon or any one else, a single syllable
of the conversation which you overheard merely by accident. I say I
am certain you will never let it transpire, either by word of mouth or
writing. In me you may always calculate on finding a sincere friend;
and of this let me assure you, that your drink, if everything goes right
with us, won't cost you much--much! not a penny; if you had two throats
instead of one--as many necks as Hydra, we should supply them all.”
“Give me your hand, Mr. Hycy--you are a gintleman, and I always said
would be one--I did, sir--I prognosticated as much years ago; and
sincerely felicitous am I that my prognostications have been verified
for so far. I said you would rise--that exaltation was before you--and
that your friends might not feel at all surprised at the elevated
position in which you will die. _Propino tibi_, again--and do not fear
that ever revelation of mine shall facilitate any catastrophe that may
await you.”
Hycy looked keenly into the schoolmaster's face as he uttered the last
observation; but in the maudlin and collapsed features then before him
he could read nothing that intimated the sagacity of a double meaning.
This satisfied him; and after once more exacting from Finigan a pledge
of what he termed honorable confidence, he took his departure.