AS Mrs. _Bridget_ opened the door before the corporal had well given
the rap, the interval betwixt that and my uncle _Toby_’s introduction
into the parlour, was so short, that Mrs. _Wadman_ had but just time to
get from behind the curtain——lay a Bible upon the table, and advance a
step or two towards the door to receive him.
My uncle _Toby_ saluted Mrs. _Wadman_, after the manner in which women
were saluted by men in the year of our Lord God one thousand seven
hundred and thirteen——then facing about, he march’d up abreast with her
to the sopha, and in three plain words——though not before he was sat
down——nor after he was sat down——but as he was sitting down, told her,
“_he was in love_”——so that my uncle _Toby_ strained himself more in
the declaration than he needed.
Mrs. _Wadman_ naturally looked down, upon a slit she had been darning
up in her apron, in expectation every moment, that my uncle _Toby_
would go on; but having no talents for amplification, and Love moreover
of all others being a subject of which he was the least a master——When
he had told Mrs. _Wadman_ once that he loved her, he let it alone, and
left the matter to work after its own way.
My father was always in raptures with this system of my uncle _Toby_’s,
as he falsely called it, and would often say, that could his brother
_Toby_ to his processe have added but a pipe of tobacco——he had
wherewithal to have found his way, if there was faith in a _Spanish_
proverb, towards the hearts of half the women upon the globe.
My uncle _Toby_ never understood what my father meant; nor will I
presume to extract more from it, than a condemnation of an error which
the bulk of the world lie under——but the _French_, every one of ’em to
a man, who believe in it, almost as much as the REAL PRESENCE, “_That
talking of love, is making it._”
——I would as soon set about making a black-pudding by the same receipt.
Let us go on: Mrs. _Wadman_ sat in expectation my uncle _Toby_ would do
so, to almost the first pulsation of that minute, wherein silence on
one side or the other, generally becomes indecent: so edging herself a
little more towards him, and raising up her eyes, sub blushing, as she
did it——she took up the gauntlet——or the discourse (if you like it
better) and communed with my uncle _Toby_, thus:
The cares and disquietudes of the marriage state, quoth Mrs. _Wadman_,
are very great. I suppose so—said my uncle _Toby:_ and therefore when a
person, continued Mrs. _Wadman_, is so much at his ease as you are—so
happy, captain _Shandy_, in yourself, your friends and your
amusements—I wonder, what reasons can incline you to the state——
——They are written, quoth my uncle _Toby_, in the Common-Prayer Book.
Thus far my uncle _Toby_ went on warily, and kept within his depth,
leaving Mrs. _Wadman_ to sail upon the gulph as she pleased.
——As for children—said Mrs. _Wadman_—though a principal end perhaps of
the institution, and the natural wish, I suppose, of every parent—yet
do not we all find, they are certain sorrows, and very uncertain
comforts? and what is there, dear sir, to pay one for the
heart-achs—what compensation for the many tender and disquieting
apprehensions of a suffering and defenceless mother who brings them
into life? I declare, said my uncle _Toby_, smit with pity, I know of
none; unless it be the pleasure which it has pleased God——
A fiddlestick! quoth she.