AS the ancients agree, brother _Toby_, said my father, that there are
two different and distinct kinds of love, according to the different
parts which are affected by it—the Brain or Liver——I think when a man
is in love, it behoves him a little to consider which of the two he is
fallen into.
What signifies it, brother _Shandy_, replied my uncle _Toby_, which of
the two it is, provided it will but make a man marry, and love his
wife, and get a few children?
——A few children! cried my father, rising out of his chair, and looking
full in my mother’s face, as he forced his way betwixt her’s and doctor
_Slop_’s—a few children! cried my father, repeating my uncle _Toby_’s
words as he walk’d to and fro——
——Not, my dear brother _Toby_, cried my father, recovering himself all
at once, and coming close up to the back of my uncle _Toby_’s chair—not
that I should be sorry hadst thou a score—on the contrary, I should
rejoice—and be as kind, _Toby_, to every one of them as a father—
My uncle _Toby_ stole his hand unperceived behind his chair, to give my
father’s a squeeze——
——Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my uncle _Toby_’s
hand—so much dost thou possess, my dear _Toby_, of the milk of human
nature, and so little of its asperities—’tis piteous the world is not
peopled by creatures which resemble thee; and was I an _Asiatic_
monarch, added my father, heating himself with his new project—I would
oblige thee, provided it would not impair thy strength—or dry up thy
radical moisture too fast—or weaken thy memory or fancy, brother
_Toby_, which these gymnics inordinately taken are apt to do—else, dear
_Toby_, I would procure thee the most beautiful woman in my empire, and
I would oblige thee, _nolens, volens_, to beget for me one subject
every _month_——
As my father pronounced the last word of the sentence—my mother took a
pinch of snuff.
Now I would not, quoth my uncle _Toby_, get a child, _nolens, volens_,
that is, whether I would or no, to please the greatest prince upon
earth——
——And ’twould be cruel in me, brother _Toby_, to compel thee; said my
father—but ’tis a case put to shew thee, that it is not thy begetting a
child—in case thou should’st be able—but the system of Love and
Marriage thou goest upon, which I would set thee right in——
There is at least, said _Yorick_, a great deal of reason and plain
sense in captain _Shandy_’s opinion of love; and ’tis amongst the
ill-spent hours of my life, which I have to answer for, that I have
read so many flourishing poets and rhetoricians in my time, from whom I
never could extract so much——
I wish, _Yorick_, said my father, you had read _Plato;_ for there you
would have learnt that there are two LOVES—I know there were two
RELIGIONS, replied _Yorick_, amongst the ancients——one—for the vulgar,
and another for the learned;—but I think ONE LOVE might have served
both of them very well—
I could not; replied my father—and for the same reasons: for of these
Loves, according to _Ficinus_’s comment upon _Velasius_, the one is
rational——
——the other is _natural_——
the first ancient——without mother——where _Venus_ had nothing to do: the
second, begotten of _Jupiter_ and _Dione_—
——Pray, brother, quoth my uncle _Toby_, what has a man who believes in
God to do with this? My father could not stop to answer, for fear of
breaking the thread of his discourse——