——And so to make sure of both systems, Mrs. _Wadman_ predetermined to
light my uncle _Toby_ neither at this end or that; but, like a
prodigal’s candle, to light him, if possible, at both ends at once.
Now, through all the lumber rooms of military furniture, including both
of horse and foot, from the great arsenal of _Venice_ to the _Tower_ of
_London_ (exclusive), if Mrs. _Wadman_ had been rummaging for seven
years together, and with _Bridget_ to help her, she could not have
found any one _blind_ or _mantelet_ so fit for her purpose, as that
which the expediency of my uncle _Toby_’s affairs had fix’d up ready to
her hands.
I believe I have not told you——but I don’t know——possibly I have——be it
as it will, ’tis one of the number of those many things, which a man
had better do over again, than dispute about it—That whatever town or
fortress the corporal was at work upon, during the course of their
campaign, my uncle _Toby_ always took care, on the inside of his
sentry-box, which was towards his left hand, to have a plan of the
place, fasten’d up with two or three pins at the top, but loose at the
bottom, for the conveniency of holding it up to the eye, &c. . . . as
occasions required; so that when an attack was resolved upon, Mrs.
_Wadman_ had nothing more to do, when she had got advanced to the door
of the sentry-box, but to extend her right hand; and edging in her left
foot at the same movement, to take hold of the map or plan, or upright,
or whatever it was, and with out-stretched neck meeting it half way,—to
advance it towards her; on which my uncle _Toby_’s passions were sure
to catch fire——for he would instantly take hold of the other corner of
the map in his left hand, and with the end of his pipe in the other,
begin an explanation.
When the attack was advanced to this point;——the world will naturally
enter into the reasons of Mrs. _Wadman_’s next stroke of
generalship——which was, to take my uncle _Toby_’s tobacco-pipe out of
his hand as soon as she possibly could; which, under one pretence or
other, but generally that of pointing more distinctly at some redoubt
or breastwork in the map, she would effect before my uncle _Toby_ (poor
soul!) had well march’d above half a dozen toises with it.
—It obliged my uncle _Toby_ to make use of his forefinger.
The difference it made in the attack was this; That in going upon it,
as in the first case, with the end of her fore-finger against the end
of my uncle _Toby_’s tobacco-pipe, she might have travelled with it,
along the lines, from _Dan_ to _Beersheba_, had my uncle _Toby_’s lines
reach’d so far, without any effect: For as there was no arterial or
vital heat in the end of the tobacco-pipe, it could excite no
sentiment——it could neither give fire by pulsation——or receive it by
sympathy——’twas nothing but smoke.
Whereas, in following my uncle _Toby_’s forefinger with hers, close
thro’ all the little turns and indentings of his works——pressing
sometimes against the side of it——then treading upon its nail——then
tripping it up——then touching it here——then there, and so on——it set
something at least in motion.
This, tho’ slight skirmishing, and at a distance from the main body,
yet drew on the rest; for here, the map usually falling with the back
of it, close to the side of the sentry-box, my uncle _Toby_, in the
simplicity of his soul, would lay his hand flat upon it, in order to go
on with his explanation; and Mrs. _Wadman_, by a manœuvre as quick as
thought, would as certainly place her’s close beside it; this at once
opened a communication, large enough for any sentiment to pass or
re-pass, which a person skill’d in the elementary and practical part of
love-making, has occasion for——
By bringing up her forefinger parallel (as before) to my uncle
_Toby_’s——it unavoidably brought the thumb into action——and the
forefinger and thumb being once engaged, as naturally brought in the
whole hand. Thine, dear uncle _Toby!_ was never now in ’ts right
place——Mrs. _Wadman_ had it ever to take up, or, with the gentlest
pushings, protrusions, and equivocal compressions, that a hand to be
removed is capable of receiving——to get it press’d a hair breadth of
one side out of her way.
Whilst this was doing, how could she forget to make him sensible, that
it was her leg (and no one’s else) at the bottom of the sentry-box,
which slightly press’d against the calf of his——So that my uncle _Toby_
being thus attack’d and sore push’d on both his wings——was it a wonder,
if now and then, it put his centre into disorder?——
——The duce take it! said my uncle _Toby._