YOU see ’tis high time, said my father, addressing himself equally to
my uncle _Toby_ and _Yorick_, to take this young creature out of these
women’s hands, and put him into those of a private governor. _Marcus
Antoninus_ provided fourteen governors all at once to superintend his
son _Commodus_’s education,—and in six weeks he cashiered five of
them;—I know very well, continued my father, that _Commodus_’s mother
was in love with a gladiator at the time of her conception, which
accounts for a great many of _Commodus_’s cruelties when he became
emperor;—but still I am of opinion, that those five whom _Antoninus_
dismissed, did _Commodus_’s temper, in that short time, more hurt than
the other nine were able to rectify all their lives long.
Now as I consider the person who is to be about my son, as the mirror
in which he is to view himself from morning to night, by which he is to
adjust his looks, his carriage, and perhaps the inmost sentiments of
his heart;—I would have one, _Yorick_, if possible, polished at all
points, fit for my child to look into.——This is very good sense, quoth
my uncle _Toby_ to himself.
——There is, continued my father, a certain mien and motion of the body
and all its parts, both in acting and speaking, which argues a man
_well within;_ and I am not at all surprised that _Gregory_ of
_Nazianzum_, upon observing the hasty and untoward gestures of
_Julian_, should foretel he would one day become an apostate;——or that
St. _Ambrose_ should turn his _Amanuensis_ out of doors, because of an
indecent motion of his head, which went backwards and forwards like a
flail;——or that _Democritus_ should conceive _Protagoras_ to be a
scholar, from seeing him bind up a faggot, and thrusting, as he did it,
the small twigs inwards.——There are a thousand unnoticed openings,
continued my father, which let a penetrating eye at once into a man’s
soul; and I maintain it, added he, that a man of sense does not lay
down his hat in coming into a room,—or take it up in going out of it,
but something escapes, which discovers him.
It is for these reasons, continued my father, that the governor I make
choice of shall neither[31] lisp, or squint, or wink, or talk loud, or
look fierce, or foolish;——or bite his lips, or grind his teeth, or
speak through his nose, or pick it, or blow it with his fingers.——
He shall neither walk fast,—or slow, or fold his arms,—for that is
laziness;—or hang them down,—for that is folly; or hide them in his
pocket, for that is nonsense.——
He shall neither strike, or pinch, or tickle—or bite, or cut his nails,
or hawk, or spit, or snift, or drum with his feet or fingers in
company;——nor (according to _Erasmus_) shall he speak to any one in
making water,—nor shall he point to carrion or excrement.——Now this is
all nonsense again, quoth my uncle _Toby_ to himself.——
I will have him, continued my father, cheerful, faceté, jovial; at the
same time, prudent, attentive to business, vigilant, acute, argute,
inventive, quick in resolving doubts and speculative questions;——he
shall be wise, and judicious, and learned:——And why not humble, and
moderate, and gentle-tempered, and good? said _Yorick:_——And why not,
cried my uncle _Toby_, free, and generous, and bountiful, and
brave?——He shall, my dear _Toby_, replied my father, getting up and
shaking him by his hand.—Then, brother _Shandy_, answered my uncle
_Toby_, raising himself off the chair, and laying down his pipe to take
hold of my father’s other hand,—I humbly beg I may recommend poor _Le
Fever_’s son to you;——a tear of joy of the first water sparkled in my
uncle _Toby_’s eye, and another, the fellow to it, in the corporal’s,
as the proposition was made;——you will see why when you read _Le
Fever_’s story:——fool that I was! nor can I recollect (nor perhaps you)
without turning back to the place, what it was that hindered me from
letting the corporal tell it in his own words;—but the occasion is
lost,—I must tell it now in my own.
[31] Vid. _Pellegrina._