DEAR _Yorick_, said my father smiling (for _Yorick_ had broke his rank
with my uncle _Toby_ in coming through the narrow entry, and so had
stept first into the parlour)—this _Tristram_ of ours, I find, comes
very hardly by all his religious rites.—Never was the son of _Jew,
Christian, Turk_, or _Infidel_ initiated into them in so oblique and
slovenly a manner.—But he is no worse, I trust, said _Yorick._—There
has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in
some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was
formed.—That, you are a better judge of than I, replied
_Yorick._—Astrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both:—the
trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry,—or the opposite of their
ascendents have not hit it, as they should,—or the lords of the
genitures (as they call them) have been at _bo-peep_,—or something has
been wrong above, or below with us.
’Tis possible, answered _Yorick._—But is the child, cried my uncle
_Toby_, the worse?—The _Troglodytes_ say not, replied my father. And
your theologists, _Yorick_, tell us—Theologically? said _Yorick_,—or
speaking after the manner of apothecaries?[25]—statesmen?[26]—or
washer-women?[27]
——I’m not sure, replied my father,—but they tell us, brother _Toby_,
he’s the better for it.——Provided, said _Yorick_, you travel him into
_Egypt._—Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when
he sees the _Pyramids._——
Now every word of this, quoth my uncle _Toby_, is _Arabic_ to me.——I
wish, said _Yorick_, ’twas so, to half the world.
—ILUS,[28] continued my father, circumcised his whole army one
morning.—Not without a court martial? cried my uncle _Toby._——Though
the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle _Toby_’s
remark, but turning to _Yorick_,—are greatly divided still who _Ilus_
was;—some say _Saturn;_—some the Supreme Being;—others, no more than a
brigadier general under _Pharaoh-neco._——Let him be who he will, said
my uncle _Toby_, I know not by what article of war he could justify it.
The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different
reasons for it:—others, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the
opposite side of the question, have shewn the world the futility of the
greatest part of them.—But then again, our best polemic divines—I wish
there was not a polemic divine, said _Yorick_, in the kingdom;—one
ounce of practical divinity—is worth a painted ship-load of all their
reverences have imported these fifty years.—Pray, Mr. _Yorick_, quoth
my uncle _Toby_,—do tell me what a polemic divine is?——The best
description, captain _Shandy_, I have ever read, is of a couple of ’em,
replied _Yorick_, in the account of the battle fought single hands
betwixt _Gymnast_ and captain _Tripet;_ which I have in my pocket.——I
beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle _Toby_ earnestly.—You shall, said
_Yorick._—And as the corporal is waiting for me at the door,—and I know
the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his
supper,—I beg, brother, you’ll give him leave to come in.—With all my
soul, said my father.——_Trim_ came in, erect and happy as an emperor;
and having shut the door, _Yorick_ took a book from his right-hand
coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.
[25] Χαλεπῆς νόσου, καὶ δυσιάτου ἀπαλλαγὴν, ἣν ἄνθρακα καλοῦσιν.—PHILO
[26] Τὰ τεμνόμενα τῶν ἐθνῶν τολυγονώτατα, καὶ πολυανθρωπότατα εἶναι.
[27] Καθαριότητος εἵνεκεν.—BOCHART.
[28] Ὁ Ἶλος, τὰ αἰδοῖα περιτέμνεται, ταὐτὸ ποιῆσαι καὶ τοὺς ἅμ’ αυτῷ
συμμάχους καταναγκάσας.—SANCHUNIATHO.