“BY the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and
of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin _Mary_, mother and
patroness of our Saviour.” I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr.
_Slop_, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to
my father——as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it
aloud——and as Captain _Shandy_ seems to have no great inclination to
hear it——I may as well read it to myself. That’s contrary to treaty,
replied my father:——besides, there is something so whimsical,
especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the
pleasure of a second reading. Dr. _Slop_ did not altogether like
it,——but my uncle _Toby_ offering at that instant to give over
whistling, and read it himself to them;——Dr. _Slop_ thought he might as
well read it under the cover of my uncle _Toby_’s whistling——as suffer
my uncle _Toby_ to read it alone;——so raising up the paper to his face,
and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrin——he
read it aloud as follows——my uncle _Toby_ whistling _Lillabullero_,
though not quite so loud as before.
“By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and
of the undefiled Virgin _Mary_, mother and patroness of our Saviour,
and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones,
dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy
patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of
the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy
to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of
the holy virgins, and of all the saints together, with the holy and
elect of God,—May he” (_Obadiah_) “be damn’d” (for tying these
knots)——“We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the
thresholds of the holy “church of God Almighty we sequester him, that
he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with _Dathan_ and
_Abiram_, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we
desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with water, so let the
light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him”
(_Obadiah_, of the knots which he has tied) “and make satisfaction”
(for them) “Amen.”
“May the Father who created man, curse him.——May the Son who suffered
for us curse him.——May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism,
curse him” (_Obadiah_)——“May the holy cross which Christ, for our
salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.
“May the holy and eternal Virgin _Mary_, mother of God, curse him.——May
St. _Michael_, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.——May all the
angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly
armies, curse him.” [Our armies swore terribly in _Flanders_, cried my
uncle _Toby_,——but nothing to this.——For my own part I could not have a
heart to curse my dog so.]
“May St. John, the Præcursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter
and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ’s apostles, together
curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who
by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and
wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are
found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him’ (_Obadiah_.)
“May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ
have despised the things of the world, damn him——May all the saints,
who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be
beloved of God, damn him—
“May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein,
damn him,” (_Obadiah_) “or her,” (or whoever else had a hand in tying
these knots.)
“May he (_Obadiah_) be damn’d wherever he be——whether in the house or
the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path,
or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.——May he be cursed in
living, in dying.” [Here my uncle _Toby_, taking the advantage of a
_minim_ in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued
note to the end of the sentence.——Dr. _Slop_, with his division of
curses moving under him, like a running bass all the way.] “May he be
cursed in eating and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in
fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in
sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and
in blood-letting!
“May he” (_Obadiah_) “be cursed in all the faculties of his body!
“May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!——May he be cursed in the hair
of his head!——May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex,” (that
is a sad curse, quoth my father) “in his temples, in his forehead, in
his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his
nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat,
in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his
fingers!
“May he be damn’d in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and
purtenance, down to the very stomach!
“May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin,” (God in heaven
forbid! quoth my uncle _Toby_) “in his thighs, in his genitals,” (my
father shook his head) “and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs,
and feet, and toe- nails!
“May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of the members,
from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no
soundness in him!
“May the son of the living God, with all the glory of his
Majesty”——(Here my uncle _Toby_, throwing back his head, gave a
monstrous, long, loud Whew—w—w———something betwixt the interjectional
whistle of _Hay-day!_ and the word itself.——
——By the golden beard of _Jupiter_—and of _Juno_ (if her majesty wore
one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by
the bye was no small number, since what with the beards of your
celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatick—to say nothing of the
beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses
your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines
(that is in case they wore them)——all which beards, as _Varro_ tells
me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less
than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan
establishment;——every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges
of being stroken and sworn by—by all these beards together then——I vow
and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I
would have given the better of them, as freely as ever _Cid Hamet_
offered his——to have stood by, and heard my uncle _Toby_’s
accompanyment.
——“curse him!”—continued Dr. _Slop_,—“and may heaven, with all the
powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him”
(_Obadiah_) “unless he repent and make satisfaction! Amen. So be it,—so
be it. Amen.”
I declare, quoth my uncle _Toby_, my heart would not let me curse the
devil himself with so much bitterness.—He is the father of curses,
replied Dr. _Slop_.——So am not I, replied my uncle.——But he is cursed,
and damn’d already, to all eternity, replied Dr. _Slop_.