FANNY
Some wise man, who was a poet too, once said: "the best fame for a woman
is to have no fame at all." I might add: "the best life history is that,
which has no history."
Such is the romance of Fanny's life and of mine.
Eight years had passed since they brought a little girl from
Fuersten-Allee to take my place: the little girl had grown into a big
girl,--and was still occupying my place.
How I envied her those first days, when I had to yield my place to her,
that place veiled with holy memories in our family's mourning circle, in
mother's sorrowing heart; and how I blessed fate, that I was able to
fill that place with her.
My career led me to distant districts, and every year I could spend but
a month or two at home; mother would have aged, grandmother have grown
mad from the awful solitude had Heaven not sent a guardian angel into
their midst.
How much I have to thank Fanny for.
For every smile of mother's face, for every new day of grandmother's
life--I had only Fanny to thank.
Every year when I returned for the holidays I found long-enduring happy
peace at home.
Where everyone had so much right every day madly to curse fate, mankind,
the whole world; where sorrow should have ruled in every thought;--I
found nothing but peace, patience, and hope.
It was she who assured them that there was a limit to suffering, she who
encouraged them with renewed hopes, she who allured them by a thousand
possible variations on the theme of chance gladness, that might come
to-morrow or perhaps the day after.
And she did everything for all the world as if she never thought of
herself.
What a sacrifice it must be for a fair lively girl to sacrifice the most
brilliant years of her youth to the nursing of two sorrow-laden women,
to suffering with them, to enduring their heaviness of disposition.
Yet she was only a substitute girl in the house.
When I left Pressburg and the Fromm's house her parents wished to take
her home; but Fanny begged them to leave her there one year longer, she
was so fond of that poor suffering mother.
And then every year she begged for another year; so she remained in our
small home until she was a full-grown maiden.
Yes Pressburg is a gay, noisy town. The Fromm's house was open before
the world and the flower ought to open in spring--the young girl has a
right to live and enjoy life.
Fanny voluntarily shut herself off from life. There was no merriment in
our house.
My parents often assured her they would take her to some entertainments,
and would go with her.
"For my sake? You would go to amusements that I might enjoy myself?
Would that be an amusement for me? Let us stay at home.--There will be
time for that later."
And when she victimized herself, she did it so that no one could see she
was a victim.
There are many good patient-hearted girls, whose lips never complain,
but hollow eyes, pale faces, and clouded dispositions utter silent
complaints and give evidence of buried ambitions.
Fanny's face was always rosy and smiling: her eyes cheerful and fiery,
her disposition always gay, frank and contented; her every feature
proved that what she did she did from her heart and her heart was well
pleased. Her happy ever-gay presence enlightened the while gloomy circle
around her, as when some angel walks in the darkness, with a halo of
glory around his figure.
From year to year I found matters so at home when I returned for the
holidays: and from year to year one definite idea grew and took shape in
our minds mutually.
We never spoke of it: but we all knew.
She knew--I knew, her parents knew and so did mine; nor did we think
anything else could happen. It was only a question of time. We were so
sure about it that we never spoke of it.
After finishing my course of studies, I became a lawyer; and, when I
received my first appointment in a treasury office, one day I drew
Fanny's hand within mine, and said to her:
"Fanny dear, you remember the story of Jacob in the Bible?"
"Yes."
"Do you not think Jacob was an excellent fellow, in that he could serve
seven years to win his wife?"
"I cannot deny that he was."
"Then you must acknowledge that I am still more excellent for I have
already served eight years--to win you."
Fanny looked up at me with those eyes of the summer-morning smile, and
with childish happiness replied:
"And to prove your excellence still further, you must wait two years
more."
"Why?" I asked, downcast.
"Why?" she said with quiet earnestness. "Do you not know there is a
vacant place at our table; and until that is filled, there can be no
gladness in this house. Could you be happy, if you had to read every day
in your mother's eyes the query, 'where is that other?' All your
gladness would wound that suffering heart, and every dumb look she gave
would be a reproach for our gladness. Oh, Desi, no marriage is possible
here, as long as mourning lasts."
And as she said this to prevent me loving her, she only forced me to
love her the more.
"How far above me you are!"
"Why those two short years will fly away, as the rest. Our thoughts for
each other do not date from yesterday, and, as we grow old, we shall
have time enough to grow happy. I shall wait, and in this waiting I have
enough gladness."
Oh how I would have loved to kiss her for those words: but that face was
so holy before me, I should have considered it a sacrilege to touch it
with my lips.
"We remain then as we were."
"Very well."
"Not a word of it for two years yet, when you are released from your
word of honor you gave to Lorand, and may discover his whereabouts. Why
this long secrecy? That I cannot understand. I have never had any
ambition to dive more deeply into your secret than you yourselves have
allowed me to: but if you made a promise, keep it; and if by this
promise you have thrown your family, yourself, and me into ten years'
mourning, let us wear it until it falls from us."
I grasped the dear girl's hand, I acknowledged how terribly right she
was; then with her gay, playful humor she hurried back to mother, and no
one could have fancied from her face, that she could be serious for a
moment.
I risked one more audacious attempt in this matter.
I wrote to Lorand, putting before him that the horizon all round was
already so clear, that he might march round the country to the sound of
trumpets, announcing that he is so and so, without finding anyone to
arrest him, as it was the same whether it was ten years or eight, he
might let us off the last two years, and admit us to him.
Lorand wrote back these short lines in answer:
"We do not bargain about that for which we gave our word of honor."
It was a very brief refusal.
I troubled him no more with that request. I waited and endured, while
the days passed.... Ah, Lorand, for your sake I sacrificed two years of
heaven on earth!