HOW FATHER TOM MADE A HARE OF HIS HOLINESS IN LATIN.
Oh, Dochter Whately, Docther Whately, I'm sure I'll never die another
death if I don't die aither of consumption or production! I ever and
always thought that asthronomy was the hardest science that was till
now--and it's no lie I'm telling you, the same asthronomy is a tough
enough morsel to break a man's fast upon--and geolidgy is middling
and hard too--and hydherastatics is no joke; but ov all the books ov
science that ever was opened and shut, that book upon Pilitical Econimy
lifts the pins! Well, well, if they wait till they persuade me that
taking a man's rints out ov the counthry, and spinding them in forrain
parts isn't doing us out ov the same, they'll wait a long time in
troth. But you're waiting, I see, to hear how his Riv'rence and his
Holiness got on after finishing the disputation I was telling you ov.
Well, you see, my dear, when the Pope found he couldn't hould a candle
to Father Tom in theology and logic, he thought he'd take the shine
out ov him in Latin anyhow; so says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "I
quite agree wid you that it's not lucky for us to be spaking on them
deep subjects in sich langidges as the evil spirits is acquainted wid;
and," says he, "I think it 'ud be no harm for us to spake from this out
in Latin," says he, "for fraid the devil 'ud undherstand what we are
saying."
"Not a hair I care," says Father Tom, "whether he undherstands what
we're saying or not, so long as we keep off that last pint we wor
discussing, and one or two others. List'ners never heard good ov
themselves," says he; "and if Belzhebub takes anything amiss that
aither you or me says in regard ov himself or his faction, let him
stand forrid like a man, and, never fear, I'll give him his answer.
Howandiver, if it's for a taste ov classic conversation you are, just
to put us in mind ov ould Cordarius," says he, "here's at you;" and
wid that he lets fly at his Holiness wid his health in Latin.
"Vesthræ Sanctitatis salutem volo!" says he.
"Vesthræ Revirintiæ salubritati bibo!" says the Pope to him again
(faith, it's no joke, I tell you, to remimber sich a power ov larning).
"Here's to you wid the same," says the Pope, in the raal Ciceronian.
"Nunc poculum alterhum imple," says he.
"Cum omni jucunditate in vita," says his Riv'rence. "Cum summâ
concupiscintiâ et animositate," says he; as much as to say: "Wid all
the veins ov my heart, I'll do that same;" and so, wid that, they mixed
their fourth gun a piece.
"Aqua vitæ vesthra sane est liquor admirabilis," says the Pope.
"Verum est pro te--it's thrue for you," says his Riv'rence, forgetting
the idyim ov the Latin phrawseology, in a manner.
"Prava est tua Latinitas, domine," says the Pope, finding fault like
wid his etymology.
"Parva culpa mihi," "small blame to me, that is," says his Riv'rence;
"nam multum laboro in partibus interioribus," says he--the dear man!
that never was at a loss for an excuse!
"Quid tibi incommodi?" says the Pope, axing him what ailed him.
"Habesne id quod Anglice vocamus, a looking-glass," says his Riv'rence.
"Immo, habeo speculum splendidissimum subther operculum pyxidis hujus
starnutatoriæ," says the Pope, pulling out a beautiful goold snuff-box,
wid a looking-glass in under the lid; "Subther operculum pyxidis hujus
starnutatorii--no--starnutatoriæ--quam dono accepi ab Archi-duce
Austhriaco siptuagisima prætheritâ," says he; as much as to say that
he got the box in a prisint from the Queen of Spain last Lint, if I
rightly remimber.
Well, Father Tom laughed like to burst. At last says he, "Pather
Sancte," says he, "sub errore jaces. 'Looking-glass' apud nos habet
significationem quamdam peculiarem ex tempore diei dependentem"--there
was a sthring ov accusatives for yez!--"nam mane speculum sonat,"
says he, "post prandium vero mat--mat--mat"--sorra be in me but I
disremimber the classic appellivation ov the same article. Howandiver,
his Riv'rence went on explaining himself in such a way as no scholar
could mistake. "Vesica mea," says he, "ab illo ultimo eversore
distenditur, donec similis est rumpere. Verbis apertis," says he,
"Vesthræ Sanctitatis præsentia salvata, aquam facere valde desidhero."
"Ho, ho, ho!" says the Pope, grabbing up his box; "si inquinavisses
meam pyxidem, excimnicari debuisses. Hillo, Anthony," says he to his
head butler, "fetch Misther Maguire a----"
"You spoke first!" says his Riv'rence, jumping off his sate: "You spoke
first in the vernacular. I take Misther Anthony to witness," says he.
"What else would you have me to do?" says the Pope, quite dogged like
to see himself bate thataway at his own waypons. "Sure," says he,
"Anthony wouldn't undherstand a B from a bull's foot, if I spoke to him
any other way."
"Well, then," says his Riv'rence, in considheration ov the needcessity,
says he, "I'll let you off for this time; but mind, now, afther I
say _præstho_, the first of us that spakes a word of English is the
hare--_præstho_!"
Neither ov them spoke for near a minit, considhering wid themselves
how they wor to begin sich a great thrial ov shkill. At last says the
Pope--the blessed man! only think how 'cute it was ov him!--"Domine
Maguire," says he, "valde desidhero, certiorem fieri de significatione
istius verbi _eversor_ quo jam jam usus es"--(well, surely I _am_ the
boy for the Latin!)
"_Eversor_, id est cyathus," says his Riv'rence, "nam apud nos
_tumbleri_, seu eversores, dicti sunt ab evertendo ceremonian inter
amicos; non, ut Temperantiæ Societatis frigidis fautoribus placet,
ab evertendis ipsis potatoribus." (It's not every masther unher the
Boord, I tell you, could carry such a car-load ov the dead langidges.)
"In agro vero Louthiano et Midensi," says he, "nomine gaudent quodam
secundum linguam Anglicanam significante bombardam seu tormentum; quia
ex eis tanquam ex telis jaculatoriis liquorem faucibus immitere solent.
Etiam inter hæreticos illos melanostomos" (that was a touch of Greek),
"Presbyterianos Septentrionales, qui sunt terribiles potatores, Cyathi
dicti sunt _faceres_, et dimidium Cyathi _hæf-a-glessus_. Dimidium
Cyathi vero apud Metropolitanos Hibernicos dicitur _dandy_."--
"En verbum Anglicanum!" says the Pope, clapping his hands--"leporem te
fecisti;" as much as to say that he had made a hare ov himself.
"_Dandæus, dandæus_, verbum erat," says his Riv'rence--oh, the dear
man, but it's himself that was handy ever and always at getting out ov
a hobble--"_dandæus_ verbum erat," says he, "quod dicturus eram, cum me
intherpillavisti."
"Ast ego dico," says the Pope, very sharp, "quod verbum erat _dandy_."
"Per tibicinem qui coram Mose modulatus est," says his Riv'rence, "id
flagellat mundum! _Dandæus_ dixi, et tu dicis _dandy_; ergo tu es
lepus, non ego--Ah, ha! Saccavi vesthram Sanctitatem!"
"Mendacium est!" says the Pope, quite forgetting himself, he was so mad
at being sacked before the sarvints.
Well, if it hadn't been that his Holiness was in it, Father Tom 'ud
have given him the contints of his tumbler betuxt the two eyes for
calling him a liar; and, in troth, it's very well it was in Latin the
offince was conveyed, for, if it had been in the vernacular, there's
no saying what 'ud ha' been the consequence. His Riv'rence was mighty
angry anyhow.--"Tu senex lathro," says he, "quomodo audes me mendacem
prædicare?"
"Et tu, sacrilege nebulo," says the Pope, "quomodo audacitatem habeas,
me Dei in terris vicarium, lathronem conviciari?"
"Interroga circumcirca," says his Riv'rence.
"Abi ex ædibus meis," says the Pope.
"Abi tu in malem crucem," says his Riv'rence.
"Excomunicabo te," says the Pope.
"Diabolus curat," says his Riv'rence.
"Anathema sis," says the Pope.
"Oscula meum pod," says his Riv'rence--but, my dear, afore he
could finish what he was going to say, the Pope broke out into the
vernacular, "Get out o' my house, you reprobate!" says he, in sich a
rage that he could contain himself widin the Latin no longer.
"Ha, ha, ha!--ho, ho, ho!" says his Riv'rence. "Who's the hare now,
your Holiness? Oh, by this and by that, I've sacked you clane! Clane
and clever I've done it, and no mistake! You see what a bit ov desate
will do wid the wisest, your Holiness--sure it was joking I was, on
purpose to aggravate you--all's fair, you know, in love, law, and
conthravarsy. In troth if I'd thought you'd have taken it so much to
heart, I'd have put my head into the fire afore I'd have said a word to
offind you," says he, for he seen that the Pope was very vexed. "Sure,
God forbid that I'd say anything agin your Holiness, barring it was
in fun: for arn't you the father ov the faithful, and the thrue vicar
ov God upon earth? And amn't I ready to go down on my two knees this
blessed minit and beg your epostolical pardon for every word that I
said to your displasement?"
"Are you in arnest that it is in fun you wor?" says the Pope.
"May I never die if I amn't," says his Riv'rence. "It was all to
provoke your Holiness to commit a brache ov the Latin that I tuck the
small liberties I did," says he.
"I'd have you to take care," says the Pope, "how you take sich small
liberties again, or maybe you'll provoke me to commit a brache ov the
pace."
"Well, and if I did," said his Riv'rence, "I know a sartan preparation
ov chymicals that's very good for curing a brache either in Latinity or
frindship."
"What's that?" says the Pope, quite mollified, and sitting down
again at the table that he had ris from in the first pluff ov his
indignation. "What's that?" says he, "for, 'pon my Epistolical 'davy,
I think it 'udn't be asy to bate this miraclous mixthir that we've
been thrying to anilize this two hours back," says he, taking a mighty
scientifical swig out ov the bottom ov his tumbler.
"It's good for a beginning," says his Riv'rence: "it lays a very nate
foundation for more sarious operation: but we're now arrived at a
pariod ov the evening when its time to proceed wid our shuperstructhure
by compass and square, like free and excipted masons as we both are."
My time's up for the present; but I'll tell you the rest in the evening
at home.