HOW FATHER TOM SACKED HIS HOLINESS IN THEOLOGY AND LOGIC.
Well, the lecthir's over, and I'm kilt out and out. My bitther curse
upon the man that invinted the same Boord! I thought ons't I'd fadomed
the say ov throuble; and that was when I got through fractions at Ould
Mat Kavanagh's school, in Firdramore--God be good to poor Mat's sowl,
though he did deny the cause the day he suffered! but it's fluxions
itself we're set to bottom now, sink or shwim! May I never die if
my head isn't as throughother as anything wid their ordinals and
cardinals--and, begob, its all nothing to the econimy lecthir that I
have got to go to at two o'clock. Howandiver, I mustn't forget that we
left his Riv'rence and his Holiness sitting fornenst one another in the
parlor ov the Vatican, jist afther mixing their second tumbler.
When they had got well down into the same, they fell, as I was telling
you, into larned discourse. For, you see, the Pope was curious to find
out whether Father Tom was the great theologinall that people said; and
says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "what answer do you make to the
heretics when they quote them passidges agin thransubstantiation out ov
the Fathers?" says he.
"Why," says his Riv'rence, "as there should be no sich passidges I make
myself mighty aisy about them; but if you want to know how I dispose ov
them," says he, "just repate one ov them," says he, "and I'll show you
how to catapomphericate it in two shakes."
"Why, then," says the Pope, "myself disremimbers the particlar
passidges they alledge out of them old felleys," says he, "though sure
enough they're more numerous nor edifying--so we'll jist suppose that
a heretic was to find sich a saying as this in Austin, 'Every sinsible
man knows that thransubstantiation is a lie'--or this out of Tertullian
or Plutarch, 'the Bishop ov Room is a common imposther,' now tell me,
could you answer him?"
"As easy as kiss," says his Riv'rence. "In the first, we're to
understand that the exprission, 'Every sinsible man,' signifies simply,
'Every man that judges by his nath'ral sinses;' and we all know that
nobody folleying them seven deludhers could ever find out the mysthery
that's in it, if somebody didn't come in to his assistance wid an
eighth sinse, which is the only sinse to be depended on, being the
sinse ov the Church. So that, regarding the first quotation which your
Holiness has supposed, it makes clane for us, and tee-totally agin the
heretics."
"That's the explanation sure enough," says his Holiness; "and now what
div you say to my being a common imposther?"
"Faix, I think," says his Riv'rence, "wid all submission to the better
judgment ov the learned father that your Holiness has quoted, he'd have
been a thrifle nearer the truth, if he had said that the Bishop ov Room
is the grand imposther and top-sawyer in that line over us all."
"What do you mane?" says the Pope, getting quite red in the face.
"What would I mane," says his Riv'rence, as composed as a docther ov
physic, "but that your Holiness is at the head ov all them--troth I had
a'most forgot I wasn't a bishop myself," says he, (the deludher was
going to say, as the head ov all _us_)--"that has the gift ov laying
on hands. For sure," says he, "imposther and _imposithir_ is all one,
so you're only to undherstand _manuum_, and the job is done. Awouich!"
says he, "if any heretic 'ud go for to cast up sich a passidge as that
agin me, I'd soon give him a lesson in the p'lite art ov cutting a
stick to welt his own back wid."
"'Pon my epostolical word," says the Pope, "you've cleared up them two
pints in a most satisfactory manner."
"You see," says his Riv'rence--by this time they wor mixing their
third tumbler--"the writings ov them Fathers is to be thrated wid
great veneration; and it 'ud be the height of presumption in any one
to sit down to interpret them widout providing himself wid a genteel
assortment ov the best figures ov rhetoric, sich as mettonymy,
hyperbol, cattychraysis, prolipsis, mettylipsis, superbaton,
pollysyndreton, hustheronprotheron, prosodypeia and the like, in ordher
that he may never be at a loss for shuitable sintiments when he comes
to their high-flown passidges. For unless we thrate them Fathers
liberally to a handsome allowance ov thropes and figures, they'd set up
heresy at ons't, so they would."
"It's thrue for you," says the Pope; "the figures ov spache is the
pillars ov the Church."
"Bedad," says his Riv'rence, "I dunna what we'd do widout them at all."
"Which one do you prefir?" says the Pope; "that is," says he, "which
figure ov spache do you find most usefullest when you're hard set?"
"Metaphour's very good," says his Riv'rence, "and so's mettonymy--and
I've known prosodypeia stand to me at a pinch mighty well--but for a
constancy, superbaton's the figure for my money. Divil be in me," says
he, "but I'd prove black white as fast as a horse 'ud throt wid only a
good stock ov superbaton."
"Faix," says the Pope, wid a sly look, "you'd need to have it backed, I
judge, wid a small taste ov assurance."
"Well now, jist for that word," says his Riv'rence, "I'll prove it
widout aither one or other. Black," says he, "is one thing and white
is another thing. You don't conthravene that? But every thing is aither
one thing or another thing; I defy the apostle Paul to get over that
dilemma. Well! If any thing be one thing, well and good; but if it be
another thing, then it's plain it isn't both things, and so can't be
two things--nobody can deny that. But what can't be two things must be
one thing--_Ergo_, whether it's one thing or another thing it's all
one. But black is one thing and white is another thing--_Ergo_, black
and white is all one. _Quod erat demonsthrandum._"
"Stop a bit," says the Pope, "I can't althegither give in to your
second minor--no--your second major," says he, and he stopped. "Faix,
then," says he, getting confused, "I don't rightly remimber where
it was exactly that I thought I seen the flaw in your premises.
Howsomdiver," says he, "I don't deny that it's a good conclusion, and
one that 'ud be ov materi'l service to the Church if it was dhrawn wid
a little more distinctiveness."
"I'll make it as plain as the nose on your Holiness's face, by
superbaton," says his Riv'rence. "My adversary says black is not
another color, that is, white! Now, that's jist a parallel passidge
wid the one out ov Tartullian that me and Hayes smashed the heretics
on in Clarendon sthreet, 'This is my body--that is, the figure ov my
body.' That's a superbaton, and we showed that it oughtn't to be read
that way at all, but this way, 'This figure ov my body _is_ my body.'
Jist so wid my adversary's proposition, it mustn't be undherstood
the way it reads, by no manner ov manes; but it's to be taken this
way--'Black--that is, white, is not another color'--green, if you like,
or orange, by dad, for anything I care, for my case is proved. 'Black,'
that is, 'white,' lave out the 'that,' by sinnalayphy, and you have
the orthodox conclusion, 'Black is white,' or by convarsion, 'White is
black.'"
"It's as clear as mud," says the Pope.
"Begad," says his Riv'rence, "I'm in great humor for disputin'
to-night. I wisht your Holiness was a heretic jist for two minutes,"
says he, "till you'd see the flaking I'd give you!"
"Well, then, for the fun o' the thing, suppose me my namesake, if you
like," says the Pope, laughing, "though, by Jayminy," says he, "he's
not one that I take much pride out ov."
"Very good--divil a betther joke ever I had," says his Riv'rence.
"Come, then, Misther Pope," says he, "hould up that purty face ov
yours, and answer me this question. Which 'ud be the biggest lie, if I
said I seen a turkey-cock lying on the broad ov his back, and picking
the stars out ov the sky, or if I was to say that I seen a gandher
in the same interestin' posture, raycreating himself wid similar
asthronomical expiriments? Answer me that, you ould swaddler?" says he.
"How durst you call me a swaddler, sir," says the Pope, forgetting, the
dear man, the part that he was acting.
"Don't think for to bully me!" says his Riv'rence, "I always daar
to spake the truth, and it's well known that you're nothing but a
swaddling ould sinner of a saint," says he, never letting on to persave
that his Holiness had forgot what they were agreed on.
"By all that's good," says the Pope, "I often hard ov the imperance ov
you Irish afore," says he, "but I never expected to be called a saint
in my own house either by Irishman or Hottentot. I'll till you what,
Misther Maguire," says he, "if you can't keep a civil tongue in your
head, you had betther be walking off wid yourself; for I beg lave to
give you to undherstand, that it won't be for the good ov your health
if you call me by sich an outprobrious epithet again," says he.
"Oh, indeed! then things is come to a purty pass," says his Riv'rence
(the dear funny soul that he ever was!) "when the likes of you compares
one of the Maguires ov Tempo wid a wild Ingine! Why, man alive, the
Maguires was kings ov Fermanagh three thousand years afore your
grandfather, that was the first of your breed that ever wore shoes and
stockings" (I'm bound to say, in justice to the poor Prodesan, that
this was all spoken by his Riv'rence by way ov a figure ov spache),
"was sint his Majesty's arrand to cultivate the friendship of Prince
Lee Boo in Botteney Bay! Oh Bryan, dear," says he, letting on to cry,
"if you were alive to hear a _boddagh Sassenagh_ like this casting up
his counthry to one ov the name ov Maguire!"
"In the name ov God," says the Pope, very solemniously, "what _is_ the
meaning ov all this at all at all?" says he.
"Sure," says his Riv'rence, whispering to him across the table, "sure
you know we're acting a conthravarsy, and you tuck the part of the
Prodesan champion. You wouldn't be angry wid me, I'm sure, for sarving
out the heretic to the best ov my ability."
"Oh begad, I had forgot," says the Pope, the good-natured ould crethur;
"sure enough you were only taking your part, as a good Milesian
Catholic ought, agin the heretic Sassenagh. Well," says he, "fire away
now, and I'll put up wid as many conthrovarsial compliments as you
plase to pay me."
"Well, then, answer me my question, you sanctimonious ould dandy," says
his Riv'rence.
"In troth, then," says the Pope, "I dunna which 'ud be the biggest lie:
to my mind," says he, "the one appears to be about as big a bounce as
the other."
"Why, then, you poor simpleton," says his Riv'rence, "don't you
persave that, forbye the advantage the gandher 'ud have in the length
ov his neck, it 'ud be next to onpossible for the turkey-cock lying
thataway to see what he was about, by rason ov his djollars and other
accouthrements hanging back over his eyes? The one about as big a
bounce as the other! Oh, you misforthunate crethur! if you had ever
larned your A B C in theology, you'd have known that there's a differ
betuxt them two lies so great, that, begad, I wouldn't wondher if it
'ud make a balance ov five years in purgathory to the sowl that ud be
in it. Ay, and if it wasn't that the Church is too liberal entirely, so
she is, it 'ud cost his heirs and succissors betther nor ten pounds to
have him out as soon as the other. Get along, man, and take half-a-year
at dogmatical theology: go and read your Dens, you poor dunce, you!"
"Raaly," says the Pope, "you're making the heretic's shoes too hot to
hould me. I wondher how the Prodesans can stand afore you at all."
"Don't think to delude me," says his Riv'rence, "don't think to back
out ov your challenge now," says he, "but come to the scratch like a
man, if you are a man, and answer me my question. What's the rason,
now, that Julius Cæsar and the Vargin Mary was born upon the one
day?--answer me that, if you wouldn't be hissed off the platform!"
Well, my dear, the Pope couldn't answer it, and he had to acknowledge
himself sacked. Then he axed his Riv'rence to tell him the rason
himself; and Father Tom communicated it to him in Latin. But as that is
a very deep question, I never hard what the answer was, except that I'm
tould it was so mysterious, it made the Pope's hair stand on end.
But there's two o'clock, and I'll be late for the lecthir.