SCENE--_Any golf-club where an alteration of the course is in
prospect._ TIME--_Any time, from dawn to dusk._ CHARACTERS--_Any
number of_ Members, _plus (on this occasion) an_ Inoffensive
Stranger.
_First Member._ (_catching sight of_ Inoffensive Stranger). Look here,
Nobbs, you're an impartial judge, we'll have your opinion. What I say is
this. If you take the present 4th hole and make it the 13th, putting the
tee back ten yards behind the 12th, and carry the lower green fifteen
yards to the right, and play the 2nd, 5th and 16th holes in reverse
order, keeping clear of the ditch outside the 4th green, you'll
bring----
_Second Member._ Oh, that's rubbish. Anybody with a grain of sense would
see that you'd utterly ruin the course that way. My plan is to take the
first three, the 11th, and the 14th--you understand, Nobbs?--(_slowly
and emphatically_) the first three, the 11th, and the 14th.
_Inoffensive Stranger._ Yes?
_Second M._ (_quickly_). And leave 'em as they are. Leave 'em just
exactly as they are. Then you do away with the next, make the 3rd into
the 7th, and----
_I.S._ (_horribly confused_). But----
_Third M._ Yes, I know--you're thinking of the crossing from the 14th.
And you're perfectly right. Simply fatal, that would be; too dangerous
altogether. What we really want is a 2nd hole, and my plan would make a
splendid one--really sporting, and giving these gentlemen who fancy
their play a bit to do.
_Second M._ Don't know about _that_. Tried that patent 2nd hole of yours
this morning out of curiosity. Holed it with my third, and might have
done it in two, with a bit of luck.
_Third M._ (_whistles expressively_). Oh, _come_! Splendid player you
are, and all that--handicap's fifteen, isn't it?--but there aren't
_many_ of us who would stand here and say calmly that we'd done a hole
of 420 yards in three! _Really_, you know----
_Second M._ 420 yards? 130, you mean.
_Third M._ (_defiantly_). 420, if an inch.
_Second M._ But look here, you told me yourself only yesterday----
_Third M._ (_slightly taken aback_). Oh, ah, yes. I understand now. I
_did_ think, at one time, of making the 2nd a short hole. But this is
quite a different idea. Miles better, in fact. It flashed across me
quite suddenly at dinner-time last night. Sort of inspiration--kind of
thing you can't account for--but there it _is_, you see.
_Fourth M._ Well, what you fellows can argue about like this beats me
altogether. There's only one _possible_ way of improving the course, and
I showed you the plan of it last week. It won't be adopted--not likely.
So good, and simple, and inexpensive that the committee won't look at
it. Couldn't expect anything else. Anyhow (_with an air of unappreciated
heroism_)--I've done _my_ best for the club!
(_Sighs heavily, and picks up a newspaper._)
_Fifth M._ (_brutally_). Oh, _we_ know all about that blessed plan of
yours. Now, I'm open to conviction. Mind you, I don't condemn anybody
else's scheme. All that _I_ say is, that if a man doesn't see that my
plan is the best, he's a dunder-headed jackass, and that's all about it.
What do _you_ think, Mr. Nobbs?
_I.S._ (_rather nervously_). Well, really--I hardly know--perhaps----
_First M._ (_compassionately_). Ah, it's those whins below the 17th that
are bothering _you_. But if you exchange the 8th and the 10th----
_Second M._ (_abruptly_). Rot!
(_The battle continues. The_ Inoffensive Stranger _stealthily
withdraws._ (_Curtain._))
[Illustration: Punch]
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