'Onnesty is the best pollicy, and, 'Evin knows, 'Enery Wilks 'as allus
tried 'is levil best to live up to them golden words. But I reckon there
is certain excepshuns to the cast-iron 'onnesty of all of us, and every
yumin being 'as 'is little weakness. Mine is golf balls.
Tips is well enuff in their way, and I 'ave nuthing at all to say agin
them, but the present of a good ball is far more pleesing to the 'art of
'Enery Wilks. Praps it's becos of 'is allmost inkonquerabul pride which
shrinks at times from taking munney from them 'oom 'e feels to be 'is
equils or hinfeeriors; or praps it grattifies 'is artistick nachure to
be given the himplements of that great sience which 'e onderstands so
well. Any'ow golf balls is my temptashun, and one which once or twice in
the course of my 'onnerabul kareer I 'ave allowed meself to yeeld to.
Some golfers will ercashunally 'and you tuppence or an 'arf-used ball,
wif a jenial word of thanks for your attenshuns which is worth more to a
proud nachure than the gift itself. And there's uthers 'oo never think
of doing nuthink of the sort. Among _them_ is Mister Schwabstein, 'oo is
not French or Scotch, as you might think from 'is name, but German, wiv
praps a touch of Jentile.
'E's a man what catches the eye on the links, it being 'is constant and
hannoying 'abbit to were a peaked yotting cap, large specks, and a white
silk coat which was once a good deal whiter. An egsellent sort of
person, I dessay, in the 'ome sircle, but 'ardly what you'd call a
brillyent success upon the links. They say as 'ow 'e 'as more munney
than 'e ritely knows what to do wiv, but I fancy 'e's made it by never
giving any of it away. 'Owever, 'Enery Wilks 'as done 'is best to put
that rite.
Let me diskribe to you a rarnd which 'e played the uther day wiv Mister
'Erminius Brellett, our litterry member, 'oo allus seems to go out of
'is way to play wiv kurious people. I 'ave taken Mister Schwabstein in
charge before, but never 'ave I seen 'is pecooliarities so noticeabul as
on that day.
'E took the 'onner, and for about three minutes 'e addressed the ball
wiv 'is 'uge, thick, ugly driver, which 'as always rarsed my
perfessional hindignashun. 'E swung at last, quite slow like, but wiv
all 'is great weight and strength piled into it. I shall never know
egsackly what 'e did, becos the tees was dry, and for the moment I was
'arf blinded by the dust. But there was a thud and a krackling snap, and
two things was flying through the thick, dusty air. Them two missils was
the ball and the 'ead of the driver, and they fell togevver thirty yards
from the tee. 'E said somethink which I couldn't catch and didn't want
to, and walked rarnd in a slow sircle, smiling to 'isself. 'E's a man
'oo allus smiles. It often seems to me that it is 'is misforchune.
Then Mister Brellett took one of 'is yusual springing drives, which
'appened to come off, and 'e won that fust 'ole on 'is head. Mister
Schwabstein kontrived to redooce 'is brassey to fragmints at the second
'ole; and after that he took out 'is niblick, and nuthing wouldn't
perswade 'im to put it back. 'E drove wiv that niblick, and 'e played
'is many shots through the green wiv it. And the way that thick strong
niblick eat into the turf was enuff to brake the 'art of 'Enery Wilks.
We moved slowly forward, leaving be'ind us a line of crewel deep
kassims, which nuthink wouldn't fill up. And 'is stile of bunker play
was equilly distrucktive.
'Is noshun of getting out was to distroy the wall of the bunker wiv
reppeated blows, and then to force 'is ball throo the rewings. I
wouldn't 'ave belleeved that meer wood and iron could 'ave done the work
that that one German niblick did wivout turning an 'air.
'E only smiled 'is slow smile when Mister Brellett or meself venchured a
remmonstrance, and 'e would never pick up 'is ball. 'E persevered wiv
each 'ole until at last 'e 'ad pushed the ball into the tin, and then 'e
would turn and pat my 'ead wiv 'is large 'and. After the fust time I
jenerally dodged, and once 'e turned and patted Mister Brellett's 'ead
by accerdent. Like most litterry jents, the latter is rather touchy, and
there was neerly trouble; but some'ow, thanks to Mister Schwabstein's
apparent onconshusness of offense, it was erverted.
At the thirteenth 'ole Mister Brellett was five up. Mister Schwabstein
put down a new ball, wiv a sort of groan, and pulled it wiv 'is niblick
right rarnd into the rough. For a long two minnutes we 'unted 'igh and
low, but nowhere could we find that ball. If I'd seen it I would 'ave
handed it over at once, sich being my boundin dooty. But I never did see
it. There was jest one little place in that rough where some'ow it
didn't seem worth while looking. We 'ad to erbandon it at last; and
Mister Schwabstein lost the 'ole and the match.
Later in the day I wandered down on a sort of ferlorn 'ope to that bit
of rough, and kuriously enuff I walked bang on to that ball. There was
severil courses open to me. I might 'ave 'anded it over to the
orthorities, or I might 'ave kep' it as a memmentoe of Mister
Schwabstein's unfaling jenerosity and kortesy. But 'Enery Wilks didn't
see 'is way to doing either of them two things. 'E jest disposed of that
fine new ball to the very best hadvantage.
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