Taking it all in all, 'Enery Wilks 'as very little use for wimmen.
Excep, of course, as playthings and rellaxashuns after toil. As sich I
regards Hervangerline, of 'oom I've told yer. That is, when 'er mood is
dosile. At sich times, when she is not trying to be yumourous or
utherwise acting the goat, the child can listen, wif doo respekt, whilst
'im she loves so well unbends 'isself. It is 'er privviledge to see
'Enery Wilks remove 'is stern cold marsk. Yuss, I tollerates
Hervangerline, but I 'ave little use fer uther wimmen.
Speaking quite frenkly, I can find little to kommend in the hexeckertive
of these 'ere links, but there is one of their resent hinnervashuns in
pertickler that fills me wif cold rage. This is the rule permitting lidy
members to play on the course, excep' on Satterday and Sunday.
Lord knows as 'ow the men is bad enuff to deal wif. 'Eadstrong, vain,
irriterble and pig-'eaded they mostly is, but oh! strike me pink and
purple, if they ain't fair angels, wings and all, kompared to those
dredfull, onreasoningable wimmen! Onreasoningable is the one word as I
can use to deskribe them. And that don't do 'em justise.
Wif a man, to some eggstent, you do know where you are. You do know from
eggsperiense 'ow fur you may go wif 'im, before 'e katches you a clump
on the side of the 'ead. But wif wimmen no eggsperiense will 'elp yer.
Becos there ain't no rules abart them.
Lord knows as 'ow I started out wif the idear of pleesing 'em. I ses to
Hervangerline, the evening I 'eard abart it, "We're going to 'ave lidies
on the course, kid," I ses. "Your 'Enery will 'ave to smarten 'isself up
a bit fer their dear sakes," I ses. Womanlike she begun to snif.
"You take care, 'Enery Wilks," she ses worningly. "You take care of them
desining 'ussies. There's many of 'em as will be after you, I knows it
well. Fer some wimmen," she ses, sort of sarkastic, "some wimmen will go
after anythink in trarsers," she ses. Well, I wears nickers meself as a
general rule, but I knowed what she meant. And, though of course I 'id
it from her, pertending to be kontemptewous, I found 'er words quite
pleesing. I thort to meself, komplasent like, as 'ow some of these lidy
members might show a prefferrence fer that one of our caddies as is
pollished and korteous and older than 'is years. But, apparriently, both
I and Hervangerline was rong--iddeously rong.
Fer it's no good konseeling from meself, at anyrate, as 'ow I 'aven't
been a komplete success so fur wif our lidy members. Why sich should be
the case I cannot tell, but there it is. There's a preggerdise agin me
as is kep' alive by the ontiring, revengfull tungs of Miss Trigsie
Kornish and Missis Jossephus 'Askins. And this is 'ow that preggerdise
begun.
They come along one morning and say as 'ow they're going to play a
rarnd, and they'll share a caddy between them. And to my ondying greef
they picked on 'Enery Wilks. Not as there was anythink surprising in
their doing that. In their place I'd 'ave picked on 'im meself. And I'm
bound in justise to say as there was nothing in _their_ appeerance to
set me agin them. Missis 'Askins is very yung and plessant-looking,
although she _is_ married, and Miss Kornish is darkish and carries
'erself wif a sort of swing. No, their looks was rite enuff; it was only
their dredfull 'abit of cheating as made the trubble.
They started as frendly as love-birds, but by the second 'ole the fur
was beginning to stand up stiff upon their backs. It was their orful
onguvernabul keenness as did it. On the third green Missis 'Askins asks
Miss Kornish 'ow many she's played, and she tells 'er, nine, quite brisk
like. Now both Misses 'Askins and meself _knew_ quite well as
'ow Miss Kornish 'ad played ten; indeed, I could see as ow Misses
'Askins thort it were eleven. They rangles a bit abart it, growing
gradewally more 'eated, and then Misses 'Askins erpeals to me, and I
gives it in 'er favour, trying very 'ard to rap it up plessant like.
Miss Kornish glares at me like a cat 'oom you've mannidged to 'it wif a
brick whilst it's taking a stroll quite inercent and leshurely; but she
doesn't say much and we goes on.
Two 'oles later it all 'appens agin, only this time it's Missis 'Askins
'oo 'as kondescended to redooce 'er score. They rages rarnd upon the
green, and then Miss Kornish erpeals to me, and truth kompels me to
erward the 'ole to 'er. This time it's Missis 'Askins 'oo glarnces at me
as though she'd like to cut orf my yung life. But 'Enery Wilks can stand
a lot of that.
So we goes on agin, wif the air growing 'eavier like, and three 'oles
later they both erpeals to me, fer both is cheating. It was an 'ard
posishun fer a yung feller as is only wishfull to pleese. 'Owever, I
desided to give pore old Truth another chawnce; although misdoubtfull.
So I ses to them quite respeckfull like, as 'ow both their scores is
inakkerite and should I keep them both in fuchure?
Oh Lumme, I'd like to forgit what 'appened then! All in a moment those
two young wimmen grew frendly agin to each other and konsentrited all
their rage and spite on 'Enery Wilks. They fell upon me wif their tungs,
and I felt as though I was being 'it wif barbed wire and nettels. They
called me "impudent little boy," me the chosin 'ero of the yunger
caddies, and I could only garsp and trimble. Their crewel thretts
brought tears even to my proud eyes, and I almost beleeve as 'ow I
grovvellel before them. It 'urts me to remember it.
When at last they 'ad tired themselves out, they finished their rarnd as
though they 'ad never 'ad an unkind thort towards each other, and I
slunk be'ind them, dased and silent, like a puppy 'oos been kicked.
And that's--that's what comes of edmitting wimmen to a golf corse!
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE BOGEY COMPETITION"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_Little Albert_ (_always thirsting for knowledge_).
"Uncle, do they pronounce that rico_chay_ing or rico_chet_ting?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: