I was now in my sixteenth year, when the priest declared that I was
qualified to begin the study of the higher branches of theology, at the
college of the neighbouring town. I had fully determined on the clerical
life, by which resolution my mother was greatly delighted, as she
perceived that the mysterious hints of the pilgrim were intimately
connected with my father's vision of St Bernard; and by this resolution
of mine, she for the first time believed, that his soul was fully
absolved, and saved from the risk of eternal destruction. The Princess,
too, approved my intentions, and repeated her generous promises of
support and assistance.
Though the town of Koenigswald was so near, that we beheld its towers in
the back ground of the landscape, and though bold walkers frequently
came from thence on foot to our convent, yet to me this first
separation from the Abbess, whom I regarded with such veneration,--from
my kind mother, whom I tenderly loved,--and the good old priest, was
very painful. So true it is, that even the shortest step out of the
immediate circle of one's best friends, is equal, in effect, to the
remotest separation. Even the Princess was on this occasion agitated to
an extraordinary degree, and her voice faltered while she pronounced
over me some energetic words of admonishment. She presented me with an
ornamental rosary, and a small prayer-book, with fine illuminations. She
then gave me a letter of recommendation to the Prior of the Capuchin
Convent in Koenigswald, whom she advised me directly to visit, as he
would be prepared to afford me whatever advice or aid I could require.
There are certainly few situations so beautiful as that of the Capuchin
Monastery, right before the eastern gates of Koenigswald. The flourishing
and extensive gardens, with their fine prospect towards the mountains,
seemed to me at every visit more and more attractive. Here it became
afterwards my delight to wander in deep meditation, reposing now at
this, now at that group of finely grown trees; and in this garden, when
I went to deliver my letter of recommendation from the Abbess, I met,
for the first time, the Prior Leonardus.
The natural politeness of the Superior was obviously increased when he
had read through the letter, and he said so much in praise of the
Princess, whom he had formerly known at Rome, that by this means alone
he directly won my affections. He was then surrounded by his brethren,
and it was easy to perceive at once the beneficial effects of his
arrangements and mode of discipline in the monastery.
The same cheerfulness, amenity, and composure of spirit, which were so
striking in the Prior, spread their influence also through the brethren.
There was nowhere visible the slightest trace of ill humour, or of that
inwardly-corroding reserve, which is elsewhere to be found in the
countenances of Monks. Notwithstanding the severe rules of his order,
devotional exercises were to the Prior Leonardus more like a necessary
indulgence of a divine soul aspiring to Heaven, than penitential
inflictions to efface the stains of mortal frailty. And he knew so well
how to instil the same principles among his brethren, that in their
performance of every duty, to which they were by their vows subjected,
there prevailed a liveliness and good humour, which even in this
terrestrial sphere gave rise to a new and higher mood of existence.
The Prior even allowed and approved a certain degree of intercourse with
the world, which could not but be advantageous for the monks. The rich
gifts which from all quarters were presented to the monastery, rendered
it possible to entertain, on certain days, the friends and patrons of
the institution, in the refectory.
Then, in the middle of the banquet-hall was spread a large table, at
which were seated the Prior Leonardus and his guests. The brethren,
meanwhile, remained at a small narrow board, stretching along the walls,
contenting themselves with the humblest fare, and coarsest utensils,
while, at the Prior's table, all was elegantly served on silver, glass,
and porcelain; and even on fast-days the cook of the convent could
prepare meagre dishes in such a manner, that they seemed to the guests
highly luxurious. They themselves provided wine; and thus the dinners at
the Capuchin Convent presented a friendly intercourse of spiritual with
profane characters, which could not fail to be beneficial to both
parties.
Those who were too eagerly occupied in worldly pursuits, were obliged to
confess, that here, by a new mode of life, in direct opposition to their
own, quiet and composure were to be obtained; nay, they might conclude,
that the more the soul is in this world elevated above terrestrial
considerations, the more it becomes capable of enjoyment. On the other
hand, the monks gained a knowledge of life, which otherwise would have
remained from them wholly veiled, and which supplied important
_materiel_ for contemplation, enabling them many times more clearly to
perceive, that, without the aid of some divine principle to support the
mind, all in this world becomes "weary, flat, stale, and unprofitable."
Over all the brethren, highly exalted, both in regard to sacred and
profane accomplishments, stood the Prior Leonardus. Besides that he was
looked on as a great theologian, and consulted on the most difficult
questions, he was, much more than could have been expected from a monk,
also a man of the world. He spoke the French and Italian languages with
fluency and elegance, and on account of his extraordinary versatility,
he had formerly been employed on weighty diplomacies.
At the time when I knew him first, he was already advanced in years; but
though his hair was white, his eyes yet gleamed with youthful fire--and
the agreeable smile which hovered on his lips was the surest evidence of
his inward serenity and activity of mind. The same grace which prevailed
in his discourse, regulated every gesture, and his figure, even in the
unbecoming dress of his order, appeared to extraordinary advantage.
There was not a single individual among the inhabitants of the convent,
who had not come into it from his own free choice. But had it been
otherwise, as, for example, in the case of unfortunate criminals, who
came thither as to a place of refuge from persecution, the penitence
prescribed by Leonardus was but the short passage to recovered repose;
and reconciled with himself, without heeding the world or its follies,
the convert would, while yet living on earth, have become elevated in
mind over all that is terrestrial. This unusual tendency of monachism,
had been learned by Leonardus in Italy, where the mode of education,
and all the views of a religious life, are much more cheerful than among
the Catholics of Germany.
Leonardus conceived a very favourable opinion of my talents; he
instructed me in Italian and French; but it was especially the great
variety of books which he lent to me, and his agreeable conversation,
which contributed most to my improvement. Almost the whole time which
could be spared from my studies in the College, was spent in the
Capuchin Convent; and my inclination towards a monastic life became
always more and more determined. I disclosed to the Prior my wishes in
this respect; but, without directly dissuading me, he advised me at any
rate to wait for a few years, during which time I might look around me
in the world. As to society, since I came into the town, I had, by means
of the Bishop's choir-master, found myself on that score by no means
deficient, but in every party, especially if women were present, I had
uniformly found myself so disagreeably embarrassed, that even this
alone, independent of my disposition to solitude and contemplation,
seemed to decide, that I was by nature destined for a monk.
One day, the Prior spoke with me at great length on the danger of
risking too early a decision on a mode of life, which involves so many
requisites. "Is it possible," said he, "that at so early an age, you are
prepared to renounce all the delusive pleasures of this world? If so,
but not otherwise, you may then embrace the duties of monachism. Are you
thoroughly convinced, that you have formed no attachment,--that you wish
for no enjoyments, but those which the mysterious influences of an
existence devoted to voluntary suffering can bestow?"
He fixed on me his dark penetrating eyes, and I was obliged to cast mine
on the ground, and remain without answering a word; for at that moment a
form, which had been long banished from my recollection, stepped forward
to the mind's eye in colours more than ever lively and distracting.
The choir-master had a sister, who, without being an absolute beauty,
was yet in the highest bloom of youth, and especially on account of her
figure, was what is called a very charming girl. One morning, having
formed some other engagements, I had gone at an earlier hour than usual
to receive my lesson in music at the choir-master's house, stepped
without hesitation into his lodgings, expecting to find him alone, and
wholly unconscious that the apartment was used as a dressing-room (or,
as it happened on this occasion, as an _un_dressing-room) by
Mademoiselle Therese, whom, instead of her brother, I now discovered. So
utterly was I confounded, that I stood motionless for a few seconds,
without retiring or advancing. My heart beat, my limbs tottered--I could
hardly breathe--But when Therese, with her usual _naivete_ and
_nonchalance_, had recourse to a large shawl, then came forward without
the least confusion, even offered me her hand, and asked what was the
matter, and why I looked so pale--this increased my embarrassment
tenfold, so that I had almost fainted.
It was a fortunate relief when the door of the adjoining room opened,
and the choir-master made his appearance. But never had I struck such
false chords, or sung so completely out of tune, as on that day.
Afterwards I was pious enough to believe that the whole was a temptation
of the devil, and thought myself very fortunate in having, by ascetic
exercises, driven him out of the field.
Now, however, these questions of the Prior, though his intentions were
very praiseworthy, revived the lost image in tenfold strength. I blushed
deeply, and said not a word. "I see, my dear son," resumed the Prior,
"that you have understood me; you are yet free from the vices of
artifice and concealment, nor do you cherish an undue confidence in
yourself. Heaven protect you from the temptations of this life! Its
enjoyments are but of short duration, and one may well say, that there
rests on them a curse. In possession they expire; and what is worse,
leave behind them a disgust, a disappointment, a bluntness of the
faculties for all that is truly praiseworthy and exalted, so that the
better and spiritual attributes of our nature are at last utterly
destroyed!"
* * * * *
Notwithstanding my endeavours to forget both the questions of the Prior,
and the image to which they had given rise, yet I could in this by no
means succeed; and though formerly I had been tolerably composed, even
in the presence of Therese, yet now I was obliged with the utmost care
to avoid every meeting. Even the very thoughts of her distracted my
attention completely; and this appeared to me so much the more sinful,
as I could not disguise from myself that such thoughts were attended
with pleasure.
The adventure of one evening, however, was soon to determine all this.
The choir-master invited me, as he had often done before, to a music
party at his house. On entering the room, I perceived that there were
many other young ladies besides Mamselle Therese, and that she was on
this occasion dressed more becomingly and elegantly than I had ever seen
her. I would willingly have excused myself and fled, but it was now too
late. An irresistible longing drew me towards her. I was as if
spell-bound, and through the evening stationed myself near her, happy if
by accident I came into momentary contact with this enchantress, though
it were but to touch the hem of her garment.
Of all this she appeared by no means inobservant, nor did it seem to
displease her. The adventures of the night, however, were drawing to a
close. She had sat long at the harpsichord, but at length rose, and went
towards the window. One of her gloves was left on the chair. This,
believing myself unobserved, I directly took possession of, first
pressing it to my lips, and then placing it in my bosom. One young lady,
however, (who, by the by, was my utter aversion,) had not failed to
notice this _etourderie_. She rose directly from her station at the
tea-table, and went to Therese, who was standing with another
_demoiselle_ at the window. She whispered something to Therese, who
immediately began to smile. The looks of all three were directed towards
me. They tittered and laughed all together. I believed it was in scorn
and mockery, which to my feelings was insupportable.
I was as if annihilated. The blood flowed ice-cold through my veins.
Losing all self-possession I left the room--rushed away into the
college, and locked myself up in my cell. I threw myself in despair and
rage upon the floor. Tears of anguish and disappointment gushed from my
eyes. I renounced--I cursed the girl and myself; then prayed and laughed
alternately like a madman. Tittering voices of scorn and mockery rose,
and sounded gibbering all around me. I was in the very act of throwing
myself out of the window, but by good luck the iron bars hindered me.
It was not till the morning broke that I was more tranquil; but I was
firmly resolved never to see her any more, and, in a word, to renounce
the world.