By the assistance of the Abbess we were not long afterwards established
at the farm-house already mentioned, and, through her generosity, the
small household of my mother soon assumed a more prosperous appearance.
I was also well clothed and cared for, enjoying the freedom and
tranquillity of a country life, so congenial to childhood; but, above
all, I profited in due time by the instructions of the neighbouring
village priest, whom, while yet very young, I attended as sacristan at
the altar.
How like a fairy dream the remembrance of those happy days yet hovers
around me! Alas! like a far distant land, the realm of peace and joy,
_home_ now lies far far behind me; and when I would look back, a gulf
yawns to meet me, by which I am separated from these blissful regions
for ever. One lovely form I yet seem to recognize, wandering amid the
roseate light of the morning--one that haunted my early dreams, even
before I was conscious that such beauty could ever on earth be realized.
I beheld her amid the fresh verdure--beneath the fragrant, beaming
sun-showers of May--and not less amid the desolate wildness of autumn,
when even the beech-trees lost their leaves; and her voice in sweet
music rose on me through the moaning sighs of the departing year.
With ardent longing, I strive once more to catch the soothing chords of
that angelic voice, to behold the contour of that form, and to meet once
more the radiance of her smile--in vain! Alas! are there then barriers
over which the strong wings of Love cannot bear him across? Lies not his
kingdom in thought, and must thought, too, be subject to slavish
limitations? But dark spectral forms rise up around me;--always denser
and denser draws together their hideous circle;--they close out every
prospect, they oppress my senses with the horrors of reality,--till even
that longing, which had been a source of nameless pleasureable pain, is
converted into deadly and insupportable torment.
* * * * *
The priest was goodness itself. He knew how to fetter my too lively
spirit, and to attract my attention in such manner, that I was delighted
by his instructions, and made rapid progress in my studies. Even at this
moment I can yet recal his calm, contented, and somewhat weather-beaten
features. He was in manners simple as a child, perplexed often about
trifles, of which the contemptible characters around him were completely
_au fait_; yet clear and decisive in judgment on matters of which
ordinary characters could have no comprehension.
At this moment, how vividly do I recal, not only his own appearance, but
that of his dwelling-house in the village of Heidebach, which town,
though small and insignificant, is yet in situation very romantic. The
walls of his house were covered up to the roof with vines, which he
carefully trained. The interior of his humble habitation was also
arranged with the utmost neatness; and behind was a large garden, in
which he sedulously worked for recreation at intervals, when not engaged
in teaching his scholars, or in his clerical functions.
In all my studies I was also very much assisted and encouraged by that
unbounded respect and admiration which I cherished towards the Lady
Abbess. Every time that I was to appear in her presence, I proposed to
myself that I would shine before her, with my newly acquired knowledge;
and as soon as she came into the room, I could only look at her, and
listen to her alone. Every word that she uttered remained deeply graven
on my remembrance; and through the whole day after I had thus met with
her, her image accompanied me wherever I went, and I felt exalted to an
extraordinary solemn and devotional mood of mind.
By what nameless feelings have I been agitated, when, during my office
of Sacristan, I stood swinging my censer on the steps of the high altar,
when the deep full tones of the organ streamed down from the choir, and
bore my soul with them as on the waves of a stormy sea! Then in the
anthem, above all others, I recognised her voice, which came down like a
seraphic warning from Heaven, penetrating my heart, and filling my mind
with the highest and holiest aspirations.
But the most impressive of all days, to which for weeks preceding I
could not help looking forward with rapture, was that of the Festival
of St Bernard, which (he being the tutelary Saint of the Cistertians)
was celebrated at the convent with extraordinary grandeur. Even on the
day preceding, multitudes of people streamed out of the town, and from
the surrounding country. Encamping themselves on the beautiful level
meadows by which Kreuzberg is surrounded, day and night the lively
assemblage were in commotion. In the motley crowd were to be found
all varieties of people--devout pilgrims in foreign habits
singing anthems--peasant lads flirting with their well-dressed
mistresses--monks, who, with folded arms, in abstract contemplation,
gazed up to Heaven--and whole families of citizens, who comfortably
unpacked and enjoyed their well-stored baskets of provisions on the
grass. Mirthful catches, pious hymns, groans of the penitent, and
laughter of the merry, rejoicing, lamentation, jesting, and prayer,
sounded at once in a strange stupifying concert through the atmosphere.
If, however, the convent bell rung, then, far as the eye could reach,
the multitude were at once fallen on their knees. Confusion was at an
end, and only the hollow murmurs of prayer interrupted the solemn
stillness. When the last sounds of the bell had died away, then the
merry crowds, as before, streamed about on their varied occupations, and
of new the rejoicing, which for a few minutes had been interrupted, was
eagerly resumed.
On St Bernard's day, the Bishop himself, who resided in the neighbouring
town, officiated in divine service at the church of the convent. He was
attended by all the inferior clergy of his diocese; his _capelle_, or
choir, performed the music on a kind of temporary tribune, erected on
one side of the high altar, and adorned with rich and costly hangings.
Even now, the feelings which then vibrated through my bosom are not
decayed. When I think of that happy period, which only too soon past
away, they revive in all their youthful freshness. With especial
liveliness I can still remember the notes of a certain _Gloria_; which
composition being a great favourite with the Princess, was frequently
performed.
When the Bishop had intoned the first notes of this anthem, and the
powerful voices of the choir thundered after him, "_Gloria in excelsis
Deo_," did it not seem as if the painted clouds over the high altar
were rolled asunder, and as if by a divine miracle the cherubim and
seraphim came forward into life, moved, and spread abroad their powerful
wings, hovering up and down, and praising God with song and supernatural
music?
I sank thereafter into the most mysterious mood of inspired devotion. I
was borne through resplendent clouds into the far distant regions of
home. Through the fragrant woods of the Lime-Tree Monastery, I once more
heard the music of angelic voices. From thickets of roses and lilies,
the miraculous boy stepped forward to meet me, and said, with a smile,
"Where have you been so long, Franciscus? See, I have a world of
beautiful flowers, and will give them all to you, if you will but stay
with me and love me!"
After divine service, the nuns, with the Abbess at their head, held a
solemn procession through the aisles of the church and convent. She was
in the full dress of her order, wearing the Insul, and carrying the
silver shepherd's-staff in her hand. What sanctity, what dignity, what
supernatural grandeur, beamed from every look, and animated every
gesture, of this admirable woman! She herself impersonized the
triumphant church, affording to pious believers the assurance of
blessing and protection. If by chance her looks fell on me, I could have
thrown myself prostrate before her in the dust.
When the ceremonies of the day were completely brought to an end, the
attendant clergy, including the choir of the Bishop, were hospitably
entertained in the refectory. Several friends of the convent, civil
officers, merchants from the town, etc., had their share in this
entertainment; and by means of the Bishop's choir-master, who had
conceived a favourable opinion of me, and willingly had me beside him, I
also was allowed to take my place at the table.
If before I had been excited by mysterious feelings of devotion, no less
now did convivial life, with its varied imagery, gain its full influence
over my senses. The guests enjoyed themselves with great freedom,
telling stories, and laughing at their own wit, during which the bottles
of old wine were zealously drained, until, at a stated hour in the
evening, the carriages of the dignitaries were at the gate, and all, in
the most orderly manner, took their departure.