on. "In fact, the papers say that all through it there was loud cries
of, 'Down in front!' from people which had probably bought their tickets
at the last moment off of a speculator who showed them a diagram of
Mirror Hall, Batesville, and not Versailles, on which it looked like
they was getting four good ones in the fifth row, center aisle,
Mawruss."
"Probably also while Clemenceau was speaking, there was difficulty in
calling off the score-card and ice-cream-cone venders," Morris said.
"I am telling you just exactly what I read it in the newspapers," Abe
said, "which there ain't no call to get sarcastic, Mawruss. The signing
of that treaty was arranged just the same like any other show is
arranged, except that the arrangements wasn't quite so good. The idea
was to make it impressive by keeping it very plain, and that is where
the Allies, to my mind, made a big mistake, because the people to be
impressed was the Germans, and what sort of an impression would that
signing of the Peace Treaty by delegates in citizen clothes make on a
country where a station agent looks like a colonel and a colonel looks
like the combined annual conventions of the Knights of Pythias and the
I. O. M. A."
"The chances is that the Allies did the best they could with the short
time they had for preparation, because you must got to remember that the
Germans didn't make up their minds to sign till two days before the
signing, and considering that the President of the United States wears
only the uniform prescribed by the double-page advertisements of
Rochester, Chicago, and Baltimore clothing manufacturers for people who
ride in closed cars, two days is an awful short time to hire a really
impressive uniform, let alone to have one made to order, Abe," Morris
said. "Furthermore, Abe, the signing of that Peace Treaty could have
been put on by the feller that runs off these here Follies with the
assistance of George M. Cohan and the management of the Metropolitan
Opera House, y'understand, and the costumes could have been designed by
Ringling Brothers, with a few hints from Rogers, Peet, understand me,
and I don't believe them Germans would stick to the terms of the treaty
anyway."
"Europe should worry about that, Mawruss," Abe said. "The main thing is
that the peace is signed and the last of our boys would soon be home
again from Europe, and once we get them back again in this country,
Mawruss, it _oser_ would make any difference to us whether Germany keeps
the treaty or she don't keep it, Mawruss, the chances of us sending our
boys back again is pretty slim."
"But under section ten of the League Covenant, Abe," Morris began, "the
time might come when we would got to send them."
"Maybe," Abe admitted, "but if any of them European nations has got the
idea that because Germany is going to be slow pay we would oblige with a
few million troops, Mawruss, they've got another idea coming. We are a
nation, not a collection agency, and no amount of section tens is going
to make us one, either."
"Well, that is the danger of this here League of Nations, Abe," Morris
said, "and if the Senate ratifies it, we are not only a collection
agency, but a burglar insurance company as well, and in fact some of the
Senators goes so far as to say that we ain't so much insuring people
against the operations of burglars as insuring burglars against the
loss of their _ganevas_."
"I know the Senators is saying that, and I also know that Mr. Wilson
says it ain't so," Abe agreed, "but this here fuss about international
affairs has got what the lawyers calls a statue of limitations running
against it right now, and I give both Mr. Wilson and the Senate six
months, and they will be going round saying: 'Do you remember when six
months ago we got so terrible worked up over that--now--National
League,' and somebody who is sitting near them will ask, for the sake of
having things just right, 'You mean that League of Nations, ain't it?'
and Mr. Wilson will say: 'League of Nations! National League! What's the
difference? Let's have another round of Old Dr. Turner's Favorite
Asparagus Tonic and forget about it.'"
"So you think that all this international politics will be forgotten as
quickly as that?" Morris commented.
"Say!" Abe said, "it won't take long for Mr. Wilson to settle down into
American ways again. Of course it will be pretty hard for him during the
first few weeks, whenever he gets a sick headache, to send out for a
doctor instead of an admiral, and he may miss his evening _schmooes_
with Clemenceau, Lord George, and Orlando, but any one that will have
such a lot of _clav hasholom_ times to talk over as Mr. Wilson will for
the rest of his life, even if he does have to hold out some of the stuff
for his History of the Peace Conference in three volumes, price
twenty-five dollars, Mawruss, would never need to play double solitaire
in order to fill in the time between supper and seeing is the pantry
window locked in case Mrs. Wilson is nervous that way. Then again there
is things happening in this country which looked very picayune to Mr.
Wilson over in France, and which will seem so big when he arrives here
that almost as soon as he sets his foot on the dock in Hoboken, the
League of Nations will get marked off in his mind for depreciation as
much as a new automobile does by merely having the owner's number plates
attached to it, even if it ain't been run two miles from the agency
yet."
"I never thought of it that way," Morris admitted, "but it is a fact
just the same that this here League of Nations is only being operated at
the present time under a demonstrator's license, so to speak, and as
soon as it gets its regular number, the manufacturers and the agents
won't be so sensitive about the knocks that the prospective customers is
handing it."
"And just so soon as the demonstrations have gone far enough, Mawruss,
just you watch all the nations of the earth that ain't made up their
minds whether they want to ride or not, jump aboard," Abe said. "Also,
Mawruss, this League of Nations is to the United States Senate what a
new-car proposition is to the head of any respectable family. If the
wife wants it and the children wants it, it may be that the old man will
think it over for a couple of weeks, and he may begin by saying that
the family would get a new car over his dead body, and what do they
think he is made of, money? y'understand, but sooner or later he is
going to sign up for that new car, and don't you forget it. And after
all, Mawruss, if the other big nations is in on this League of Nations,
we could certainly afford to pay our share of what it costs to run it."
"Maybe we could," Morris concluded, "but if a new League of Nations is
like a new automobile, we are probably in for an expensive time, because
with a new car, Abe, it ain't what you run that costs so much money.
It's what you back into."
XXIII
THE RECENT UNPLEASANTNESS IN TOLEDO, OHIO
"If we would only had our wits about us the day we sent for the
policeman to put out that feller we had running the elevator, Mawruss,
we could of made quite a lot of money maybe," Abe Potash remarked to
Morris Perlmutter a few days after the heavy-weight title changed hands.
"If we would only had our wits about us and you had taken my advice to
let the feller sleep off his jag instead of hauling in a policeman to
wake him up and throw him out, Abe," Morris said, "they wouldn't of
broken, between them, fifty dollars' worth of fixtures and ruined a lot
of garments on us."
"Well, that's what I mean, Mawruss, which is forty-five thousand people
could be persuaded into paying anywheres from ten to a hundred dollars
apiece to see that nine-minute affair in Toledo where the two loafers
didn't have nothing against one another personally and couldn't of kept
their minds on the fight anyhow for trying to figure their share of the
profits, y'understand, what would them forty-five thousand _meshugoyim_
paid to see for twenty minutes a couple of fellers which they really
and truly wanted to kill each other without any intermissions of so much
as two seconds, Mawruss?" Abe said.
"Well, I'll tell you, Abe," Morris said, "these here fight fans are the
same like moving-picture fans; they would a whole lot sooner pay out
money to see the imitation article than the real thing. Tell one of
these here fight fans that for ten cents you would let him know where at
half past nine o'clock on Monday morning an iron-molder has got an
appointment to meet a stevedore who used to be engaged to the
iron-molder's sister and now refuses to return the twenty-five dollars
he borrowed from her to get the wedding-ring and the marriage license,
and the fight fan would ask you what is that _his_ business. Tell a
moving-picture fan that there is a family over on Tenth Avenue where the
father is a ringer for William S. Hart and is _also_ in jail,
y'understand, and that such a family is about to be dispossessed for
non-payment of rent, understand me, and if you made an offer to such a
moving-picture fan, that for a contribution of fifteen cents toward
finding the family a new home, you would show him a close-up of the
landlord, of the notice to quit and of the court-room of the Municipal
Court of the City of New York for the Eleventh Judicial District where
such proceedings are returnable, understand me, the moving-picture fan
wouldn't come across with a nickel, not even if you undertook to engage
the entire combined orchestras of the Strand, the Rivoli, and the Rialto
moving-picture theaters to play 'Hearts and Flowers' while the
furniture was being piled on the moving-van."
"I wouldn't blame the moving-picture fan at that, Mawruss," Abe said,
"because if such a moving-picture fan would see one of these here
harrowing William S. Hart and Mary Pickford incidents in real life,
Mawruss, when it reached the point where the moving-picture fan's heart
is going to break unless there would be a quick happy ending,
y'understand, not only would there _not_ be a happy ending, but also,
Mawruss, instead of the next incident being a Mack Sennett comedy in
real life, Mawruss, it might be something so sad, y'understand, that if
a moving-picture corporation would try to reproduce it on the screen, it
would cost them a fortune for glycerin alone."
"A moving-picture fan's heart don't break so easy as all that, Abe,"
Morris said. "Moving-picture fans is like doctors and undertakers, Abe.
They've got so used to other people's misfortunes that it practically
don't affect them at all. Moving-picture fans can see William S. Hart
come out of jail to find his wife married to the detective who not only
arrested him in the first reel, but is also giving terrible _makkas_ to
Mr. Hart's youngest child in the second reel, y'understand, and wrings
that moving-picture fan's heart to the same extent like it would be
something in a tropical review entitled: 'Eighth Annual Convention of
the United Ice-men of America, Akron, Ohio. Arrival of the Delegates at
the Akron, Union, Depot,' y'understand. Yes, Abe, the effect of
five-reel films on a moving-picture fan's heart is like the effect of
five-star Scotch whisky on a typical club-man's life. It hardens it to
such an extent that it practically ceases to do the work for which it
was originally put into a human body, Abe."
"To tell you the truth, Mawruss, I 'ain't got no use for any kind of a
fan, and that goes for moving-picture fans, fight fans, baseball fans,
and pinochle fans, not to mention grand-opera fans, first-night theayter
fans, and every other fan from golluf downwards. Take these here fight
fans which chartered special trains for Toledo, Ohio, and paid a hundred
dollars for a ringside seat, Mawruss, and to my mind it would take one
of these here insanity experts to figure out just what made them do it
at a time when on account of the raise in rent and living expenses, so
many heads of families is staying home with their families these hot
Sundays and reading the papers about the fight fans chartering special
trains and paying a hundred dollars for ringside seats, and not feeling
the heat any the less because of reading such things. Also, Mawruss, as
one business man to another who has had the experience of riding on a
sleeper and making Cleveland, Toledo, Detroit, and Chicago even under
normal travel conditions, Mawruss, I ask you, where is the pleasure in
such a trip?"
"Them fight fans don't do it for pleasure, Abe," Morris said. "They do
it for a reputation."
"A reputation for what?" Morris asked.
"A reputation for having paid the United States Railroad Administration
twice the regular fare to Toledo for a railroad journey, and also the
reputation for having paid the manager of this here prize-fight fifty
times the regular price of a ticket for a legitimate entertainment,"
Morris replied.
"But what for a reputation is that for a sane man to get?" Abe asked.
"Well," Morris commented, "for that matter, what kind of a reputation
does the same man get when he pays fifty dollars to reserve a table at a
Broadway restaurant on New-Year's Eve? That's where your friend the
insanity expert comes in, Abe. It's the kind of a reputation which the
people among which such a feller has got it--when they talk about it
says: 'And suppose he did. What _of_ it?'"
"It seems to me, Mawruss, that when a feller gets the reputation for
having such a reputation, his friends should ought to tip him off that
if he don't be mighty careful, the first thing you know he would be
getting that kind of a reputation," Abe said, "because there is also a
whole lot of other people among which he got that reputation, who
wouldn't stop at saying: 'Suppose he did. What _of_ it?' They would try
to figure out the answer upon the basis that a feller who pays a hundred
dollars for a ringside seat to see a fight which lasted nine minutes,
y'understand, and his money, understand me, are soon parted, and the
first thing you know, Mawruss, that poor nebich of a prize-fight fan
would be unable to attend the next annual heavy-weight championship of
the world to be held in Yuma, Arizona, or some such summer resort, in
August, 1921, simply because the United States Railroad Administration
refused to accept for his transportation in lieu of cash two thousand
shares of the Shapiro Texas Oil and Refining Corporation of the par
value of one hundred dollars apiece, notwithstanding that he also offers
to throw in a couple of hundred shares of a farm-tractor manufacturing
corporation and lots 120 to 135, both inclusive, in Block 654 on a map
filed in the office of the clerk of Atlantic County, New Jersey,
entitled Map of Property of the East by Southeast, Atlantic City Land
and Development Company."
"Well, it would serve such a feller right if such a thing did happen to
him," Morris commented, "because any one who takes an interest in such a
disgusting affair as this here fight should not only lose his money, but
he should ought to go to jail."
"I give you right, Mawruss," Abe replied. "And why the newspapers print
the reports of such a thing is a mystery to me. Here there are
happenings, happenings over in Europe which is changing the history of
the world every twenty-four hours, Mawruss, and to this one prize-fight
which a man has got to be a loafer not to get sick at his stomach over
it, Mawruss, they are devoting practically the entire newspaper. I give
you my word, Mawruss, it took me pretty near three hours to read it
last night."
"At the same time, Abe," Morris said, "you would think that a man of
this here Jeff Willard's fighting record wouldn't of give up so easy."
"Look what he was up against," Abe reminded him. "There 'ain't been a
fighter in years with this feller Dempsey's speed and science, Mawruss."
"But I don't think that Willard was trained right, Abe," Morris said.
"What do you mean--not trained right?" Abe retorted. "From what the
newspapers has been saying during the past few weeks, Mawruss, he was in
wonderful condition, and his sparring partners seemingly could hit him
on any part of his face and body, and it never seemed to affect him
any."
"Sure I know," Morris agreed, "but what for a training was that for a
rough affair like this here prize-fight turned out to be, which if I
would of been this here Jeff Willard's manager, Abe, I wouldn't of put
no faith in sparring partners. A sparring partner is only human--that is
to say, if any prize-fighter could be human--and naturally such a
sparring partner ain't going to do himself out of a good job by going
too far and seriously injuring a heavyweight champion. The consequences
was, Abe, that this here Jeff Willard went into the ring, confident that
he couldn't be knocked down by a blow from a fighter like Dempsey,
simply because he had no experience in being knocked down by a blow."
"Maybe he couldn't of been knocked down by a blow from his sparring
partners," Abe suggested. "Maybe they weren't strong enough."
"That's just what I'm driving into, Abe," Morris said, "which if instead
of Willard's manager wasting time by trying to have sparring partners
knock him down, he would have gone to work and had Willard knocked down
by something which could really and truly knock him down, like a Fifth
Avenue stage or a heavy automobile delivery truck, y'understand, the
result might have been very different."
"Sure I know," Abe said, "but you could easy overdo such a training
method, Mawruss, and end up with an autopsy instead of a prize-fight.
Also, Mawruss, the way it looked to experts after this here fight had
been pulled off, where Willard made his mistake was in training to
receive punishment instead of training to give it."
"Willard didn't believe in training to give punishment," Morris said.
"If he had believed in it, he could have gone over to Europe and
received pretty nearly a year and a half of the very best training a
prize-fighter could get in giving punishment, Abe, and also, Abe, he
would have avoided getting called a slacker by some of them prize-fight
fans, who seemed to be sore that Willard should have quit after losing
only half his teeth and having still another eye to see with, the right
one being blinded in the first round, Abe."
"Well, the chances is that when Willard goes to consult a doctor, which
he would probably have to do after the licking he got, Mawruss," Abe
said, "before he would get the opportunity to tell the doctor that he
had been in a prize-fight, the doctor will give one look at him and lay
the whole trouble to abscesses at the roots of the teeth, and he will
order Willard to go and have the rest of them drawn right away, so he
might just as well have stayed one more round and let Dempsey finish the
job. Also, Mawruss, them fight fans _oser_ cared whether Willard had
served in the army or not. Willard was the loser, and naturally them
Broadway fight fans didn't have no sympathy with a loser, so even if
there hadn't been no European war for Willard not to serve in, Mawruss,
they would of tried to think of some other name to shout at him as he
staggered out of the ring, like Prohibitionist or League-of-Nationer."
"Of course them fight fans had in a way a right to get sore, Abe,"
Mawruss remarked, "because a whole lot of them had bet money on Willard
to win."
"Sure they did," Abe agreed, "but gambling on the personal injuries of
two human beings, even if they do agree of their own will to see how
long they can stand such injuries without growing unconscious, Mawruss,
is my idea of nothing to gamble about. But I suppose the typical fight
fan don't feel that way about it. Probably when some member of his
family has got to go through an operation, he wipes away his tears with
one hand and makes a book on the result with the other. He probably
offers his friends even money that the party won't come out of the
ether, one to two that the party wouldn't rally from the shock, and one
to three against complete recovery inside of a month, or he will make a
combination offer whereby his friends can play the operation across the
board as a two or three proposition, Mawruss."
"And his friends, being also prize-fight fans, will probably take him
up," Morris suggested.
"Certainly they will," Abe concluded, "because to a prize-fight fan
suffering is not a sight which is to be avoided. It is something which a
typical prize-fight fan would take a special train and pay a hundred
dollars any time to see."
XXIV
FEEDING THE PEACE CONFERENCERS AND THE HOUSEHOLD
"Anybody which don't arrange beforehand what the price is going to be,
Mawruss, is never overcharged, no matter how much he gets soaked in the
bill," Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter, a few days
after the Hotel Crillon filed its claim against the American peace
mission for two million francs, "which, if the way the United States
government arranged with the management of the Hotel Crillon for the
board and lodging of them Peace Conferencers is any criterium, Mawruss,
we would got to start a recruiting drive for fifty thousand certified
public accountants for service abroad, with a chance to see the
wonderful scenery and bookkeeping of France."
"I thought the United States government didn't make any arrangement with
the Hotel Crillon before them Peace Conferencers went over, Abe," Morris
said.
"That's what I mean, Mawruss," Abe said, "which, when President Wilson
made up his mind to send all them experts over to France he sent for
Ambassador Sharp and asked him where's a good place for them Indians to
stay, and Sharp told him the Hotel Crillon, and when Mr. Wilson asked
him is it a good medium-price place, Mr. Sharp says he shouldn't worry,
that Jake Crillon is a good feller and wouldn't overcharge nobody,
y'understand, and for to leave it to Jake, and so Mr. Wilson done so,
Mawruss, and naturally this is the result."
"Why, what for a bill did the management of the Hotel Crillon put in
against the United States government, Abe?" Morris asked.
"They 'ain't put in any bill as yet, Mawruss," Abe said. "This here is
only a preliminary claim of two million francs, on account of the loss
of regular customers because the hotel has been occupied for such a long
time by them American Peace Conferencers."
"Well, wouldn't most of the regular customers come back if the
management promised that after them Peace Conferencers went home they
would disinfect the hotel and give it a thorough overhauling or
something?" Morris asked.
"The question 'ain't been argued as yet, Mawruss," Abe said, "but you'll
have to admit that if two years from now a guest of the Hotel Crillon
complains to the management of something about his room smelling awful
peculiar, y'understand, and if the management should go to work and tear
up the floor and overhaul the plumbing, only to find that it's a case of
the room not having recovered from an American Jugo-Slob expert holding
conferences with the Jugo-Slob delegates to the Peace Conference in it,
understand me, two million francs ain't going to go such a long ways, in
especially at the present rate of exchange, Mawruss."
"Perhaps you're right, Abe," Morris said. "Perhaps it is better that a
lump sum like two million francs would be charged rather as go into the
items themselves, because, for instance, if that American mission to
negotiate peace had been staying at the hotel which we stayed at, Abe, a
bill would have been submitted like this, Abe:
"MM. American Mission to Negotiate Peace
TO HOTEL SE'ESCROQUERIE ET LONDRES, DR.
Terms, net cash 800 rooms; 8 baths
Tel.: 6060 Rivoli
March, 1919: To entertaining MM. Orlando and Sonnino, as follows:
Table overturned and following articles broken:
1 inkstand and mucilage-bottle. Fr. 24.50
1 table-cover damaged by mucilage. 45.00
Chairs injured as follows:
1 light chair thrown through window. 58.00
1 heavy chair thrown through window. 85.00
Labor as follows:
Sweeping up broken eye-glasses. 2.00
Sweeping up hair. 3.00
Removing blood-stains from carpet. 4.50
Credit:
By one unclaimed hat, labeled 'Mike, the Popular Rome Hatter'. .20
_____
Total Fr. 382.40
and not only would it have given away a whole lot of diplomatic secrets,
but the American mission would also have got to pay a luxury tax of ten
per cent. on the hotel's telephone number and a little mistake of a
hundred francs in the addition."