"but he seemed to think that if the old man got tried by the Allies,
Mawruss, the shock would kill him."
"Many a murderer got tried by the Court of General Sessions, even, and
subsequently the shock killed them, Abe," Morris said. "What is electric
chairs for, _anyway_?"
"But he told the reporter that you wouldn't have any idea how old the
old man is looking," Abe went on.
"He shouldn't take so much wood-cutting exercise," Morris said. "The
first thing you know, he would injure himself for life, even if he ain't
going to live long."
"Don't fool yourself, Mawruss," Abe said, "the Kaiser ain't going to die
from nothing more violent than a rich, unbalanced diet, y'understand,
and as for the Crown Prince, he's got it all figured out that he will
return to Germany and go into the farming business, and there ain't no
provided-I-beat-the-indictment about it, neither, because he knows as
well as you do that the Allies would never have the nerve to try either
one of them crooks."
"Nobody seems to have the nerve to do anything nowadays, except the
Bolshevists, Abe," Morris said, with a sigh. "Here up to a few days ago
the Bolshevist government of Russia had been running a New York office
on West Forty-second Street, with gold lettering on the door, a staff of
stenographers, and a private branch exchange, and the New York police
didn't pay no more attention to them than if they would of been running
a poolroom with a roulette-wheel in the rear office. The consequence was
that when them Bolshevists finally got pulled, Abe, they beefed so
terrible about how they were being prosecuted in violation of the
Constitution and the Code of Civil Procedure, y'understand, that you
would think the bombs which Mr. Palmer and them judges nearly got killed
with was being exploded pursuant to Section 4244 of the United States
Revised Statutes and the acts amendatory thereof, Abe."
"And we let them cutthroats do business yet!" Abe exclaimed.
"Well, in a way, I don't blame the Bolshevists for not knowing how to
take the behavior of the American government towards them, Abe," Morris
declared. "If we only had one way of treating them and stick _to_ it,
Abe, it would help people like this here ex-custom-house feller Dudley
Field Malone and this ex-Red Cross feller Robins to know where they
stood in the matter of Bolshevism. But when even the United States army
itself don't know whether it is for the Bolshevists or against them,
Abe, how could you expect this here Robins to know, either, let alone
the Bolshevists?"
"But I thought this country was against Bolshevism," Abe said.
"As far as I can gather, Abe, the United States is against Bolshevism
officially on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and on Saturday from nine
to twelve, and it is for Admiral Kolchak on Tuesday and Thursday,"
Morris said. "At any rate, that's what one would think from reading the
newspapers. Fiume is the same way, Abe. The United States is in favor of
ceding Fiume to the Italians during three days in the week of eight
working-hours each, except in the sporting five-star edition, when Fiume
is going to be internationalized. However, Abe, the United States wants
to be quite fair about preserving the rights of small nationalities, so
we concede Fiume to the Jugo-Slobs in at least two editions of the pink
evening papers and in the special magazine section of the Sunday
papers."
"Well, the way I feel about Bolshevism, I am against it every day in the
week, including Sundays, Mawruss," Abe said, "and if I would be running
a newspaper, I would show them up in every edition from the night
edition that comes out at half past eight in the morning, down to the
special ten-o'clock-p.m. extra, which sometimes is delayed till as late
as five forty-five. Furthermore, while variety makes a spicy life,
Mawruss, newspapers are supposed to tell you the news, and while it may
be agreeably exciting to some people when they read on Monday,
Wednesday, and Friday that the Germans would positively sign the amended
Treaty of Peace, and on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday that they
positively wouldn't do nothing of the kind, y'understand, I am getting
so used to it that it don't even make me mad no longer."
"The newspapers has got to suit all tastes, Abe," Morris observed.
"But the taste for Bolshevism ain't a taste, Mawruss, it's a smell," Abe
concluded, "and whoever has got it shouldn't ought to be encouraged. He
should ought to be disinfected, and that's all there is to it."
XXI
WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS, ECONOMICALLY AND THEATRICALLY
"I see where a minister said the other day he couldn't understand why it
was that fellers in the theayter business goes to work and puts on the
kind of shows which they do put on, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, a few
days after the ministerial controversy over a certain phase of the
Broadway drama.
"Maybe they got hopes that quite a number of people would pay money to
see such shows, Abe," Morris suggested, "because so far as I could tell
from the few fellers in the theayter business whose acquaintance I
couldn't avoid making, Abe, they are business men the same like other
business men, y'understand, and what they are trying to do is to suit
the tastes of their customers."
"But what them ministers claims is that them customers shouldn't ought
to have such tastes," Abe said.
"That is up to the ministers and not the fellers in the theayter
business," Morris said. "Theayter managers ain't equipped in the head to
give people lectures on how terrible it is that people should like to
see the plays they like to see, because as a general thing a feller in
the theayter business is the same as a feller in the garment business or
grocery business--he didn't have to pass no examination to go into such
a business, and what a theayter feller don't know about delivering
sermons, Abe, if a minister would know it about the show business,
y'understand, instead of drawing down three thousand a year telling
people to do what they don't want to do, understand me, he would be
looking round for a nice, fully rented, sixteen-story apartment-house in
which to invest the profits from a show by the name, we would say, for
example, 'Early to Bed.'"
"But the trouble with the theayter fellers is that they think any show
which a lot of people would pay money to see, Mawruss, is a good show,"
Abe declared.
"Why shouldn't the managers think that?" Morris asked. "If the ministers
had the people trained right, any show which a lot of people would pay
money to see should _ought_ to be a good show."
"You think the ministers could train people to like a good show!" Abe
exclaimed. "It's human nature for people to like the kind of show they
do like, Mawruss, and how could ministers, even if they would be the
biggest _tzadeekim_ in the world, change human nature?"
"That's what I am trying to tell you, Abe," Morris said. "The theayter
managers simply supply a demand which already exists, Abe, and they are
as much to blame for the conditions which creates that demand as you
could blame a manufacturer of heavy-weight underwear for cold winter
weather."
"But why should the theayter manager try to supply an unhealthy demand,
Mawruss?" Abe asked.
"The demand for heavy winter underwear is also unhealthy, Abe," Morris
said. "In America, where the houses is heated, heavy underwear would
give you a cold, whereas in Norway and Sweden the demand for heavy
underwear is healthy because Norway and Sweden houses is like Norway and
Sweden plays, Abe, they are constructed differently from the American
fashion. They are built solid, but there ain't no light and heat in
them, and yet, Abe, the highbrows which is kicking about the American
style of plays is crazy about these here Norway and Sweden plays and
want American theayter managers to put on plays like them. In other
words, Abe, they are arguing in favor of the manufacture and sale of
heavy winter underwear for an exclusively B. V. D. trade, and so,
therefore, such high-brows could be ministers or they could be dramatic
crickets, Abe, but they might just so well save their breath with such
arguments, because the customer buys what he _wants_ to buy, and what
the customer _wants_ to buy the manufacturer manufactures, and that's
all there is _to_ it."
"And now that you have settled this here question of them 'Early to Bed'
plays, Mawruss," Abe said, "would you kindly tell me what the idea of
them Germans was in sinking all them white-elephant war-ships which
everybody with any sense wished was at the bottom of the ocean,
_anyway_, y'understand?"
"Well, I'll tell you, Abe," Morris began. "Them Germans being German,
y'understand, and having signed an armistice where they agreed to take
them war-ships to an Allied port and _keep_ them there, y'understand,
just couldn't resist breaking their word and sinking them war-ships."
"But don't you think, Mawruss, that when the Allies allowed the Germans
to sign such an armistice they was awful careless," Abe said, "because
if they wanted them war-ships to stay afloat, Mawruss, all they had to
do was to make the Germans sign an agreement not to take them war-ships
to Allied ports and sink them there, and the thing was done."
"How do you know that the Allies didn't get them Germans to agree the
way they did, so as to get rid of all them war-ships without the trouble
and expense of blowing them up?" Morris asked.
"I don't know it," Abe admitted, "but even to-day yet, Mawruss, them
Allied diplomatists is acting like they thought deep down in their
hearts that there was a little honor--a little truth--left in them
Germans somewhere, Mawruss, so the chance is that when that armistice
was signed, the Allies thought that at last the Germans was going to
stand by a signed agreement. However, it seems to me, Mawruss, that
there should ought to be an end to this here better-luck-next-time
attitude towards the Germans' idea of honor on the part of the Allies."
"Well, what are you going to do with such people, Abe?" Morris asked.
"To me it's a business proposition, Mawruss," Abe said, "and the way I
feel about this here Peace Treaty is that it is nothing but composition
notes, signed by the Germans without indorsement by anybody. Now you
know as well as I do, Mawruss, if a bankrupt owes you money and he has
got _some_ assets, you ain't going to take composition notes for the
entire amount of debts and let the bankrupt keep the remains of his
assets, because composition notes without indorsements don't deceive
nobody, Mawruss. If I get from a bankrupt unindorsed composition notes,
I simply put them away in my safe and forget about them, which if a
bankrupt ever paid his unindorsed composition notes he would be adding
murder to his other crimes on account the holders of such composition
notes would drop dead from astonishment."
"The death-rate from such a cause among business men ain't high, Abe,"
Morris commented.
"If I was an accident-insurance company's actuary, I would take a chance
and leave such a cause of death out of my calculations," Abe agreed. "It
never happens, and so, therefore, Mawruss, if Germany lives up to the
terms of the Peace Treaty it would only be because the German signature
is guaranteed by the indorsement of a large Allied Army of Occupation,
and, therefore, if we've got to do it first as last, why monkey around
with a new German Cabinet? Why not close up the Peace Conference _sine
die_, tell Germany her composition notes ain't acceptable, y'understand,
and proceed to make a levy and sale with the combined armies of the
Allies as deputy-sheriffs, Mawruss, because not only are the Germans
bankrupts, but they are fraudulent bankrupts, and on fraudulent
bankrupts nobody should have no mercy at all?"
"But don't you think it might be just as well to give the Germans a few
days' grace and see how this here new Cabinet goes to work?" Morris
suggested.
"You don't have to know how it works, Mawruss," Abe replied. "All you
have to do is to know how it was formed and you can guess how it would
work, which I bet yer that Erzberger got together with von
Brockdorff-Rantzau and they combed over the list of candidates to get
just the right kind of people for a German Cabinet, because the ordinary
tests which they use in England, France, or America, Mawruss, don't
apply to Germany. You've got to be awful careful in forming a German
Cabinet, Mawruss, otherwise you are liable to have slipped in on you
just one decent, respectable man with an idea of keeping his word and
doing the right thing, Mawruss, and by a little carelessness like that,
understand me, the whole Cabinet is ruined. However, Mawruss, you could
take it from me that a couple of experienced Cabinet-formers like this
here Erzberger and von Brockdorff-Rantzau didn't fall down on their
job, and I bet yer that every member of the new Cabinet is keeping up
the best traditions of the good old German spirit, which is to be able
to look the whole world straight in the eye and lie like the devil,
y'understand."
"Then you think this Cabinet wouldn't act no different to the other
Cabinets?" Morris said.
"Not if the Allies don't act different," Abe said, "and where the Allies
made their first big mistake was the opening session at Versailles, when
the usher or the janitor or whoever had charge of such things didn't
take von Brockdorff-Rantzau by the back of his neck and yank him to his
feet after he started to talk without rising from his chair, because the
Germans is very quick to take a tip that way, Mawruss. Whatever they put
over once, they think they could put over again, and since that time all
arguments the Germans has made about the Peace Treaty have been, so to
speak, delivered by the German people and the German Cabinet, not only
seated, y'understand, but also with the feet cocked up on the desk, the
hat on, and in the corner of the mouth a typical German cigar which is
made up of equal parts hay and scrap rubber blended with the _Vossicher
Zeitung_ and beet-tops and smells accordingly."
"Well, it is one of the good qualities of the American people that
before they get good and sore, as they have a right to do, Abe, they
will put up with a whole lot of bad manners from people that they deal
with," Morris said. "Take, for instance, these here foreign-born Reds
which they held a meeting in Madison Square Garden the other evening,
and if they said in any other country about the government what they
said in Madison Square Garden, y'understand, the owner of Madison Square
Garden would of pocketed thousands of dollars for the moving-picture
rights of the bayoneting alone. But we don't do business that way. There
ain't no satisfaction in bayoneting a lot of people for being fresh and
not knowing how to behave. Fining them and putting them in prison is
also no relief to our feeling, neither. What we really itch to do, Abe,
is to act the way a man would act if he gives somebody food and shelter
in his home, and, as soon as such a _schnorrer_ feels refreshed by what
he has eaten and the good bed he has slept in, he turns on his host and,
after insulting the members of the household, tries to wreck the
furniture and set the house on fire. Such a feller you would first kick
as many times as you had the strength; you would then duck him in the
nearest body of water, provided it was muddy enough, and after he had
come up for the third time you would fish him out and ride him on a rail
to the town limits and there you would advise him never to show his face
around them parts again."
"But as I understand this here Red meeting, Mawruss," Abe said, "it was
something more as not knowing how to behave. Practically every speaker
told the audience that they should rise up against the government."
"Sure I know, Abe," Morris agreed, "but the audience was composed of
people who had already made up their minds that they should rise up
against the government, and there is only one thing which prevents them
from rising up--they 'ain't got the nerve. Furthermore, them speakers
could go on advising till they got clergyman's sore throat from the
violent language they was using, and that audience could sit there being
advised till the management of Madison Square Garden dispossessed the
meeting for non-payment of rent, y'understand, and still that audience
wouldn't have the nerve. Them Reds are a lot of rabbits, Abe. They could
rise up in Russia and Hungary against a lot of rabbits, y'understand,
but over here the most them rabbits has got the courage to do is to
plant a few bombs, of which one or two has been ungrateful enough to
bite the hand that threw them, understand me, but as soon as them Red
rabbits discovers that the percentage of mortality among bomb-throwers
is equal to the death-rate from some such rare disease as
sleeping-sickness or beriberi, Abe, they wouldn't even have the nerve to
throw bombs."
"Still, I think the District Attorney should ought to do something about
that Madison Square meeting, Mawruss," Abe said, "because even if
Madison Square Garden would have been only one-tenth filled, considering
the high price of rails in the present steel-market and the distance of
Madison Square from muddy water, Mawruss, it would be anyhow unpractical
to duck or ride on rails the number of Reds which attended that
meeting, even supposing enough respectable people could be found who
would take the trouble."
"As a matter of fact, Abe," Morris said, "it don't even pay to encourage
them speech-making Reds by thinking they are important enough to be
ducked in muddy water. After all, most of them are still young and
sooner or later they would got to go to work, and once a man goes to
work in this country it is only a matter of time when he gets up into
the capitalistic class."
"There is also another thing to be considered about these here Reds,
Mawruss," Abe said. "As Reds, they couldn't be taken altogether
seriously, because Reds would be Reds only up to a certain point. After
that they're Yellow."
XXII
THEY DISCUSS THE SIGNING OF IT
"Yes, Mawruss, when the history of this here Peace Conference is
written, y'understand, a whole lot of things which up to now has been
mysteries will be made very plain to the people which has got
twenty-five dollars to invest in such a history and the spare time in
which to read it," Abe Potash said to his partner Morris Perlmutter a
few days after the treaty was signed.
"There will be a great many people who will try to find the time at
that," Morris commented, "because I see by the morning paper that one of
Mr. Wilson's relatives has bought for him in Southern California a piece
of property especially for Mr. Wilson to write the history of the Peace
Conference in, and why should he go to all that expense if there wasn't
a big market for such a history?"
"I wonder did Mr. Wilson have to pay much money for the history rights
to the Peace Conference?" Abe asked.
"What do you mean--did he pay much money?" Morris exclaimed. "Anybody
can write a history of the Peace Conference without paying a cent for
the privilege, and even if they couldn't, y'understand, who is going to
bid against Mr. Wilson, because when it comes to what actually happened
at them confidential meetings between Mr. Wilson, Clemenceau, and Lord
George, Abe, Mr. Wilson had a monopoly of the raw material in the
history line. He didn't even let Colonel House in on it, so you can bet
your life if there was any competitors of Mr. Wilson trying to get a few
ideas for a competing line of popular-price Peace Conference histories,
Abe, Mr. Wilson didn't exactly unbosom himself to them historians,
neither, because a diplomatic secret is a diplomatic secret, Abe, but
when in addition, the diplomat is counting on writing a history of them
diplomatic doings, Abe, diplomatic secrets become trade secrets."
"It seems to me, Mawruss, that while you couldn't blame Mr. Wilson for
writing a history of the Peace Conference for a living after he loses
his job in March, 1921," Abe continued, "still at the same time,
considering that Mr. Wilson has taken such a prominent part in this here
Peace Conference, and considering also that Mr. Wilson is only human, no
matter what Senator Reed might say otherwise, don't you think he is
going to have a difficult time in deciding for himself just where
history leaves off and advertising begins?"
"The probabilities is that he wouldn't give himself a shade the worst of
it, if that's what you mean," Morris observed, "but as to whether or not
such a history would be the equivalent of an actor writing a criticism
of his own performance, Abe, that I couldn't say, because the chances is
that when Lord George gets through with the job of chief Cabinet
Minister or whatever his job is called, he would also try his hand at
writing a history, and if that is the case, you could make up your mind
to it that Clemenceau ain't going to sit down at his time of life and
let them two historians put it all over him. So, therefore, if Mr.
Wilson should feel like writing in his history: 'At this point, things
was at a standstill and nobody seemed to know what to do next, when
suddenly some one made a suggestion which cleared up the whole
situation. It was Woodrow Wilson who spoke'--y'understand, he will
figure that Lord George is probably going to say in his history: 'At
this point the Peace Conference was up against it and it looked like the
bottom had fallen out of everything, when like a voice from heaven,
somebody made a remark which smoothed away all difficulties. It was Lord
George who came to the rescue.' The consequence will be that both of
them historians will beat Clemenceau to it, by giving credit for the
suggestion to the feller who made it, even if it would have been Orlando
himself."
"But suppose Mr. Wilson actually did make the suggestion, Mawruss, and
in the interests of telling the strict truth about the matter, he feels
that he is obliged to mention it in his history," Abe said, "he's bound
to run up against a big chorus of _Yows!_"
"Well, so far as I could see, nobody compels Mr. Wilson to write a
history of that Peace Conference if he don't want to," Morris replied,
"and if he should decide not to do so, he could always rent that
Southern California property furnished for the season, or if he feels
that he must occupy it himself for history business purposes, he could
anyhow write a domestic History of the United States from December 5,
1918, to July 6, 1919, both inclusive, in which his name need hardly
occur at all. But joking to one side, Abe, when the history of this here
Peace Conference gets written, it don't make no difference who writes
it, he ain't going to be able to ignore Mr. Wilson exactly. In fact,
Abe, the history of this here Peace Conference is going to be more or
less principally about Mr. Wilson, and if the feller who writes it
wouldn't be exactly Senator Lodge, y'understand, the truth is bound to
leak out that Mr. Wilson did a wonderful job over in Paris. Of course he
made a whole lot of enemies over here, but then he also made a whole lot
of peace over there, Abe, and, after all, that is what he went there
for."
"Still I couldn't help thinking that from a business point of view,
Mawruss, the Peace Conference suffered a good deal from poor
management," Abe said. "Take for instance the signing of the Peace
Treaty in Mirror Hall, Versailles, and properly worked up, the Allies
could of made enough out of that one show alone to pay for all the ships
that Germany sank a few days ago, which holding a thing like that in a
hall, Mawruss, is a sample of what kind of management there was."
"They had the Germans sign that Peace Treaty in that hall because it was
the same hall where them Germans made the French sign the Peace Treaty
in 1870," Morris explained.
"Sure I know," Abe said, "but what did they know about such things in
1870? Even grand opera they gave in halls in them days, which,
considering the amount of interest there was in the signing of the Peace
Treaty, Mawruss, I bet yer enough people was turned away from Mirror
Hall, Versailles, to more than fill five halls of the same size. As it
was, Mawruss, so many people crowded into that Mirror Hall that nobody
could see anything, and the consequence was that when Clemenceau begun
his speech the disorder was something terrible."
"I suppose his opening remark was: 'Koosh! What is this? A
_Kaffeeklatsch_ or something?'" Morris remarked, satirically.