Am I to consider all the sins of my life? The subject seems so vast, it
is difficult to know how to condense it so that I may be able to bring it
within my grasp. All sin may be summed up in one word--disobedience--_non
serviam_. It was the sin of the Angels, it was the sin of our first
parents and it is at the root of every sin that has ever been committed.
God says: Thou shalt not, the sinner says: I will. God says: Do this and
thou shalt live; the sinner says: I will not, I would rather die. Sin is
man's will in opposition to God's Will. This thought simplifies the
subject and makes it easier for me to call up the sins of my life and
look at them. Let me make a picture of them--a triptych, a picture, that
is, with three panels side by side, the middle one shall be called
_Places_, that on the right hand _Persons_ and that on the left _Work_.
1. _Places._ As I look at the middle picture I see it consists of
numbers and numbers of small ones, each representing some place that is
familiar to me--there is the house where I was born, there the school I
attended, houses I have visited, hotels where I have stayed, gardens,
playgrounds, lonely roads, walks on cliffs, villages, towns, churches,
the sea-side, trams, omnibuses, trains, boats, bicycles, carriages,
stations.... I am fascinated and cannot help looking still, though the
variety and number are almost bewildering. Each picture is so familiar;
some awaken sweet and precious memories, from some I quickly turn away
my eyes. All can witness to my presence, how many can witness also to my
sins? "Indeed the Lord is in this place, and _I knew it not_." (Gen.
XXVIII. 16). That may to some extent be true and if so there is One who
is always ready to say: "Father, forgive them for they know not what
they do." _I_ know how much I knew, and the best thing, the only thing
for me to do is to make an Act of Contrition.
2. _Persons._ I turn to the right hand panel and there are crowds and
crowds of _faces_, each one familiar--father, mother, brothers, sisters,
relations, servants, teachers, scholars, friends, enemies, priests,
confessors, acquaintances ... what impression have I left upon each of
these? If they could be called up and asked: "What did you think of so
and so?" what would they have to say? They would have something, for I
left _some_ impression--and yet _none_ of them know me as I really am.
The three Persons of the Blessed Trinity have been near me _always_ and
always observant. They really know me. What have _They_ to say? "If
Thou, O Lord, wilt mark iniquities, Lord, who shall stand it?" (Ps.
CXXIX. 3).
This picture makes me sad! That is just what Our Lord wants from this
meditation. Let me offer once more my heartfelt contrition and He will
be glad that I had the courage to open the triptych.
3. _Work._ As I turn to the panel on the left I feel that I can breathe
more freely--my work will certainly give satisfaction! It is something
to be proud of; I have always got on well; I have never been idle and I
have had a certain measure of success, and I feel that in that respect
at any rate my life will bear inspection. But this picture too, as I
look at it, seems to be divided up. Yes, I can see quite clearly all the
different works upon which I have been engaged. All are very familiar
and bring back for the most part happy memories, but some of them seem
to be labelled.--What is it that is written across them? "_You did it to
Me._" And all the rest that have no labels? They do not count--so
evidently considered the One Who put on the labels. He left them, passed
them over, there was nothing there _for Him_. But that hospital that
was founded is not labelled, nor that legacy promised for a charitable
purpose! Surely some of these without labels are "good works!" And these
that are labelled are such insignificant things, things I should never
have remembered at all if they were not in the picture--a kind word, a
smile, a hasty word kept back because I knew it would pain _Him_,
suffering cheerfully borne because I wanted to be like Him who suffered
for me. Why these and not those? Because He prefers _little_ things? No,
but because of the motive. Had the hospital been built out of love for
Him and His sick, had it been built for the glory of God and not for the
glory of self, it too would have been labelled. Had the hasty word been
kept back that others might notice my self-control, it would _not_ have
been labelled. What counts with God is the intention with which a thing
is done. If it is done out of love for Him, no matter how insignificant
it is, yea, no matter how badly done, it will surely be labelled "_You
did it to Me_," and it will last when the mighty works that men have so
much praised are crumbling in the dust, labelled with another label _You
did it not unto Me_. Have I not need to make another Act of Contrition
as I think of my works, my love of gain, my ambition, love of praise and
success, of the motives of my so-called works of charity, of the times
in which I have allowed my work to take the first place in my life,
while my soul had to take the second?
I shut up my triptych and leave it at Thy Feet O my JESUS, where the
Blood from Thy Wounds may ever drip upon it, while I with Magdalen stoop
and bathe Thy Feet with my tears.