SIR,--You remember _Mr. Squeers's_ system of theoretical and practical
teaching, "'_W-i-n-d-e-r-s_.' Go and clean 'em"? Of course you do; and
if the quotation is not letter perfect, it is its "spirit," which is
more suited to my present theme, at all events. Well, Sir, "them's
my principles." Accordingly, after reading your advice as to taking a
Summer Sunday trip to Calais and back by _Calais-Doûvres_, or one of
the large boats in L. C. and D. service, I acted upon it, and went.
The _trajet_ was simply perfect! Such weather! Sea so calm! Breeze
refreshing! Company distinguished! Commander WATTELBLED, and First
Lieutenant CARINI, with all hands, waiting to give us (at a price as
fair and moderate as the Channel breeze on this occasion) excellent
refreshment. But to sing their praise is not my point; they do their
duty, and pay it too, as we _voyageurs_ have to do, on cigars,
teas, and tobacco. I had time to refer to hotel's list of wines and
liqueurs, and among the latter there appeared a name which brought
tears to the eyes of the wanderer far from his English home; and that
name, Sir, coming after "Kümmel, and Marasquin, and Whisky," was "_Old
Tom-Gim_"--"Tom Gi_m_" with an "m." How far superior to "Gin" with an
"n." It brought to mind early days of catechism, "_M. or N., as the
case may be_." This was a case of liqueurs. How preferable the soft
liquid "_m_" to the less soft "_n_" in making "_Gin_" into "_Gim_"!
And how much one would like to alter the spelling, and make it "_Old
Tom Jim_." Would he not be seized upon by a French librettist as the
very name, _par excellence_, for a typical Ancient English Mariner in
an opera? Don't you see it? "_Capitaine_ John Smith; _First Mate_ Old
Tom Jim" with song (nautical). _Vive_ Gim! Now, with my discovery,
I regain the good ship, and, once aboard the lugger ... by the way,
there is an eighteen-penny tax now levied by the French on those who
land at Calais. "_Happy Thought._ Don't land." But, _Unhappy Thought_,
if we don't land in the _pas-de-Calais_, the result will be _pas de
déjeuner_. So--"bang goes sax-pence," for "We don't kill a pig every
week."
Yours,
THOMAS LE VIEUX.
P.S.--And another one-and-sixpence extra on landing at Dover! All the
"fun of the fare," eh?
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