[Illustration: Jesse, the Pilot-Engine, clears the Line!]
_House of Commons, Monday, June 24._--Back to-day from the booming
Baltic to wan Westminster. Given up the company of Kings and Queens
which formed Don CURRIE'S daily fare; descended to level of Commons.
And what a state of things to come back to! Left less than a fortnight
ago, with House in almost comatose state. Even the Busy B's had ceased
to hum. TANNER no longer disturbed at hour of midnight by poignant
curiosity as to when the Dook would retire. SILOMIO, his head bandaged
after latest buffeting by EDWARD GREY and SYDNEY BUXTON, temporarily
silent. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS for awhile content with management of House
by "my right hon. friend the CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER." In a moment,
in the twinkling of ST. JOHN BRODRICK'S eye, crisis and chaos come.
Ministry blown up with charge of cordite, surreptitiously brought in;
concealed under Front Opposition Bench; fired in the dinner hour.
"Cordite?" said TOMLINSON. "What is this cordite they're all talking
about? Thought it was something they made trousers of."
"No, no," said Private HANBURY, up in all military matters. "You're
thinking of corduroy."
House crowded from furthest bench of side galleries to gangway steps
on floor. A buzz of excitement completes fulness of chamber. Only
two empty seats. These on front benches, where SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
and PRINCE ARTHUR were wont to face each other. JOSEPH'S seat below
gangway filled by COURTNEY, who, in honour of occasion, has put on a
white waistcoat and a smile. Wears both throughout proceedings. A loud
cheer welcomes arrival of PRINCE ARTHUR looking graver than usual.
Three minutes later another rings forth, and the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
enters with slow step and countenance set, suitable to the obsequies
of an assassinated Ministry. JESSE COLLINGS comes in; startled by
cheer from Irish Members.
"JOE'S not far off," said TIM HEALY, grimly. "In times like these
sends JESSE on ahead, like the pilot-engine that goes before CZAR'S
train. If there were any murderous plot on hand, by JUSTIN MCCARTHY or
any other brigand, the blameless figure of JESSE would be blown into
space, and JOSEPH would proceed on his journey with his hair
unsinged."
On stroke of half-past three SQUIRE OF MALWOOD made formal
announcement of familiar fact that Government had resigned; THE
MARKISS had been sent for; Ministers kept their places only till their
successors were appointed.
"I would ask leave to say," the SQUIRE, with unwonted tremor in his
voice, observed, bringing to close his brief, business-like speech,
"that for every man who has taken part in the noble conflict of
Parliamentary life, the chiefest of all ambitions, whether in a
majority or in a minority, must be to stand well with the House of
Commons."
How in this respect the Leader of the House through two Sessions of
peculiar difficulty stands with both tides, testified to by a ringing
cheer, repeated when PRINCE ARTHUR, who always does these things well,
voiced the common feeling as he recognised in the blushing SQUIRE "one
of the greatest ornaments of this House."
"That's all very well, TOBY," said the SQUIRE, when I offered him
my congratulations on deliverance from a situation long become
intolerable. "You put it prettily. But I hope the experience of the
last fortnight will be a lesson to you. You hadn't been gone a week
and two days when the cordite bomb was exploded. Never forget what you
must have learned in your nursery kennel:
When the dog's away,
The rats will play."
All business set aside. All Bills dropped save Seal Fisheries. This
Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, master of himself though Ministers fall, proceeds
to discuss as calmly as if nothing had happened. Whilst other Members
already have their eyes on their constituencies and their faces
towards the door, TOMMY, buttonholing Time as it were with his hooked
arm, leisurely discusses the close season for Seal Fishing.
_Business done._--The Government's.
_Tuesday._--House met again, expecting further particulars about the
Ministerial crisis. Benches full, but not so crowded as yesterday.
Again the SQUIRE, PRINCE ARTHUR, and JOSEPH absent. The two latter not
expected. When they reappear they will sit side by side on Treasury
Bench. But where was the SQUIRE?
Preliminary business finished. House waiting for next move. Must be
made by SQUIRE. Where was he? Members tossed about on seats. All
eyes strained towards space behind SPEAKER'S chair, whence Ministers
approaching Treasury Bench emerge. Minutes passed; SQUIRE still
tarried. Horrible rumour that cordite had done fresh stroke of work.
FREDERICK MILNER said he distinctly heard sound of explosion in
neighbourhood of room of Leader of House. Another report was that
SQUIRE had been kidnapped, shipped off to distant colony by direction
of new SECRETARY OF STATE. Whilst probability of these wild guesses
balanced, SQUIRE entered, whole and hale. Had been waiting to hear
from THE MARKISS. Nothing had come, so must adjourn.
_Business done._--House adjourned.
[Illustration: THEIR NEW SUITS.
_Admiral G-sch-n._ "Oh, I say, Joey old man, what a comical costume!
It does make me laugh!"
_Colonial Ch-mb-rl-n._ "Well, hang it, Jokey old boy, _you_ can't say
much!"]
_Wednesday._--All settled: SQUIRE announces that MARKISS has
undertaken to form new Ministry. Writs moved for elections to fill
vacancies consequent on acceptance of office. Amongst them West
Birmingham, JOSEPH having undertaken to care for the Colonies.
Prospect of "Our JOE," as SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE affectionately
calls him, sitting in Cabinet Council with THE MARKISS, strangely
moves House. Irish Members in particular give vent to feelings in
cries that forebode lively times for new Minister.
House lost crowded appearance of earlier days of week. Interest
already transferred to constituencies. GORST among absentees. SARK
looking for him everywhere. Been reading article in magazine where
GORST writes:--"A lady resident in East London informed me that she
once knew a man who was attending fourteen doctors at the same time.
The man died."
SARK wants to know what was the matter with the doctors? Why the man
was attending them? And whether this is cited as case of overwork, or
of death resulting from infectious disease?
The worst of SARK is that his curiosity is almost feminine in its
intensity.
_Business done._--Foundation stones of new Ministry laid.
[Illustration: Cap'en Tommy Casabianca Bowles.]
_House of Lords, Thursday._--Quite a crowded House. THE MARKISS, not
seen in his place since he became Prime Minister, now there faced by
ROSEBERY. Large attendance and eager interest explained by attempt to
purloin Seals of SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR. In dim and distant future
this likely to rank with the Diamond Necklace Affair. SARK, who has
been reading Radical newspapers on incident, tells me all about it.
As soon as Vote of Censure passed on CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, MARKISS became
possessed of uncontrollable passion for instant possession of his
seals of office. How was it to be done? CAWMELL a Scotchman; not
easy to get loose property out of his grip. MARKISS, instinct with
influences of spacious times of Queen ELIZABETH, not to be trifled
with. Clapped his hands. Enter faithful henchman, one SCHOMBERG. A
stoutly-built man of herculean strength, bowed legs, grizzled beard,
short thick hair like hand-spikes standing up above pair of ears
resembling nothing so much as Tower Bridge when, in opening, either
flap stands out at angle of forty-five degrees. A certain piquancy
given to his features by front tooth protruding like tusk of wild
boar.
"SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S
Seals. His address is 6, Grosvenor Place, S.W. He comes home late,
with a latch-key. Take twenty stout fellows, as like yourself as the
country produces. Await his coming. Take the Seals. If he resists, a
slit weasand will scarcely be noticed in a population of (according to
the last census) 4,349,166. _But bring the Seals._"
That is SARK'S idea of the episode after reading the papers. THE
MARKISS'S version differs in some details.
_Business done._--THE MARKISS, challenged by ROSEBERY, says new
Ministry have no policy at present. However, since ROSEBERY seems
anxious on point, will send over to WHITELEY'S and see what can be
done.
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[Illustration: SUNDERED LIVES.
_Bertie._ "I THOUGHT YOU TWO NEVER MET WITHOUT KISSING. ANYTHING THE
MATTER? THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER?"
_Muriel._ "NO, YOU SILLY! HATS!"]
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