WHEN the saddest of all the ceremonies of this life calls forth
the sympathy of friends and relatives, there are many little
points the observance of which evinces a delicate consideration
for the mourners, and a respect for the melancholy occasion.
In entering the house of mourning, a gentleman must remove his hat
in the hall, and not replace it while in the house.
Loud talking in the chamber of death is a rudeness which shows not
only a want of respect for the dead, but a want of consideration
for the grief of the survivors.
All quarrels must be forgotten in the presence of death. Enemies
who meet at a funeral are bound by etiquette, if not by feeling,
to salute each other with quiet gravity.
Whilst the body of the dead remains in the house, no visitor must
expect to see the members of the bereaved family, and no offence
may be taken if admission is refused to the nearest friends.
The formalities necessary upon the death of a member of a family
entail upon the survivors many painful interviews, many
directions, and often most harrowing discussions. It is,
therefore, customary to entrust these details to some relative or
friend, who, while near enough to carefully direct the affairs, is
yet able to bear the trying details better than the members of the
immediate family. It is best to select some one accustomed to the
discharge of this duty, and more prudent to name a limit for the
expenses.
Where there are no funeral arrangements made in the will, the
person taking this charge may ask one interview with the nearest
relative, but after that, relieve them of all care in the matter.
If there is no friend who can undertake these trying duties, it is
then customary to make the undertaker the master of the painful
ceremonies.
To surround the funeral ceremonies with great parade and pomp is
usually more of a vain and ostentatious display than an act of
respect towards the dead; at the same time, any meanness or
parsimony is in bad taste. The expenses should be governed by the
position of the deceased, and the means of the survivors.
If invitations are sent out, it is customary to have a number
printed, and sent to the friends. The following is the usual form:
"You are respectfully invited to attend the funeral of J. J. C, on
Wednesday, the 24th of May, 18-, at 10 o'clock A.M., from his late
residence, No. 174 street. To proceed to Laurel Hill Cemetery."
Or, if the services are not at the house:
"You are respectfully invited to attend the funeral of J. J. C,
from the church of the Incarnation, on Wednesday, the 24th of May,
at 10 o'clock A.M. To proceed to Laurel Hill Cemetery."
It is contrary to the rules of etiquette to send these invitations
by post.
A list of the persons invited must be given to the person
directing the funeral ceremonies, and he will give the undertaker
a list of the order in which the guests are to be placed in the
carriages, if the funeral leaves the city, or the order of the
procession if the guests go to the grave on foot.
If the invitation is given through the newspapers, the words
"Without further notice" must be added, and the guests will not
expect another invitation. The list is then omitted, and no
especial order observed in placing the guests in carriages or
procession.
Guests invited to a funeral must not present themselves before the
hour appointed, when the corpse is generally exposed for the last
gaze of the friends. It is customary for the family to pay their
last visit to the coffin just before that hour, and all intrusion
is against the customs of society.
The corpse usually is exposed in a drawing-room, and the family
assemble in another apartment, if the services are to be conducted
in church, and the guests go from the house there. If, however,
the guests are invited to meet the funeral in church, the coffin
is usually placed in front of the chancel, with the lid removed,
and friends pass, from the _feet to the head_, up one aisle and
down another, after the services are over.
If the guests assemble at the house of the deceased, it is
customary for some near relative, not of the immediate family, to
receive them, and do the honors of the occasion.
The ladies of the family are never expected to see the guests at a
funeral; but it is optional with the gentlemen. Strict etiquette
at the present day denies the ladies of the family the privilege
of following the corpse from the house; but it is a custom "more
honored in the breach than in the observance."
When the funeral procession is ready to start, the clergyman
leaves the house first, and enters a carriage, which precedes the
hearse. Then follows the coffin, which is placed in the hearse;
the next carriage is for the immediate family and relatives.
Guests stand uncovered while these mourners pass them, no
salutation being expected.
The gentleman who does the honors should precede the family as
they pass from their room to the carriages, assist them in, close
the door, and motion the driver to move slowly forward, and to the
next carriage to drive up to the door.
The same order is observed at the church door, where the master of
ceremonies assists the mourners to leave and re-enter the
carriages.
When the private carriage of the deceased follows the hearse, it
should be empty, and precede the other carriages.
If the friends go on foot, and the weather is cold, the gentlemen
may wear their hats; but if the weather is mild, it is customary
to walk uncovered, with the hat in the right hand.
If the hat is worn, it must be removed as the coffin passes from
the hearse to the church, when the guests form a double line, down
which it is carried, and the same line and observance must be made
after the service, as the coffin is carried from the church to the
hearse again.
If lady friends attend a funeral, if they are not in mourning,
they should wear grave, quiet colors. To go to a funeral in a gay
dress is insulting.
Upon the coffin of an infant or young person, it is customary to
place a wreath of white flowers.
Upon the coffin of a married person, a cross of white flowers is
usually placed.
Upon the coffin of an army or navy officer, the hat, epaulets,
sword, and sash are placed, and it is customary to use the flag to
cover the coffin.
A sufficient number of carriages should be provided to carry all
invited guests to the cemetery. At the cemetery, the priest or
clergyman walks in advance of the coffin, and the others alight
from the carriages and stand around the grave.
After the carriages leave the cemetery, it is not customary for
the guests to return to the house of the mourners; but each may,
on re-entering the carriage, direct the driver, in a low tone,
where to drive him.
The family physician, if able to attend the funeral, should have a
seat in the carriage following that of the immediate family.
The carriage must be sent for the priest or clergyman in time for
him to be punctually at the house at the appointed hour.
If gifts of flowers are sent to the mourners, they must be white
only, and sent on the day of the funeral early enough to be used
in the decoration of the coffin.
If pall-bearers are invited, they must be immediate friends of the
deceased.
It is a foreign custom of much beauty and significance to select
young children for pall-bearers for infants and children, dressing
them in white, and draping the coffin in white, trimmed with
silver fringe and cords.
If gloves and crape bands are distributed to the gentlemen guests,
they must be handed them when they first enter the house. It is a
gross violation of etiquette to make any selection in such cases;
nobody expects to have gloves so given as to fit the hands; but
they must be worn. It is far more elegant to present yourself
already provided with black kid gloves on your hands, and allow
the undertaker to provide you only with the crape.
Friends in deep mourning are not expected to pay visits of
condolence, and are excused from accepting funeral invitations;
but all others are expected to accept them. It is but a poor
compliment to your friends to attend their dinners, receptions,
balls, and parties, and refuse to be present when they are in
affliction, or to pay the last act of respect to the memory of
those they love.
During the week following a funeral, friends should leave their
cards for the family of the deceased, and call again about a
fortnight later, asking then to see the members of the family.
It is not customary to ask to see the family of a deceased friend
before the funeral; but cards should be sent, and offers of
service sent by note.
The lady friend nearest the family, or a relative not of the
immediate family, is the proper person to purchase the mourning
for the ladies of the family, and the gentleman friend or relative
that for the gentlemen.
No member of the immediate family of the deceased should leave the
house between the death and the funeral upon any errand or
pretext.
At the funeral of a mounted officer, his horse, fully equipped,
and draped in mourning, should be led by a servant after the
hearse.
If the deceased belonged to any society, as Free Masons, Odd
Fellows, or such organization, the society should be invited
through a note sent to the President, and they will send word to
the master of ceremonies if there is any especial order in which
they wish to follow the corpse, or any form or ceremony peculiar
to that order which they would like observed. These invitations,
if given through the newspapers, should carefully specify the
lodge or order to which the deceased belonged. The regalia in such
cases is usually displayed on the coffin-lid, but removed before
the coffin leaves the house.
White plumes are customary on the hearse of a young person, and
black ones for married and elderly people.
It is not customary to send invitations to the funeral of a person
who has died of contagious disease, and the statement of the
malady in the newspapers is generally accepted by the friends as
an excuse for the omission of invitations.
In visiting a cemetery, it is an act of rudeness to stand near a
lot where mourners are assembled, or in any way to notice those
who are decorating the graves of friends. No time can be named
when the delicate attentions and observances of etiquette are more
grateful than when sorrow is heavy on the heart,