MITCHENER (to the Orderly). I have private business with Mrs. Farrell.
Outside, you infernal blackguard.
THE ORDERLY (arguing, as usual). Well, I didnt ask to--(Mitchener seizes
him by the nape; rushes him out; and slams the door).
MITCHENER. Excuse the abruptness of this communication, Mrs. Farrell;
but I know only one woman in the country whose practical ability and
force of character can maintain her husband in competition with the
husband of Mrs. Banger. I have the honor to propose for your hand.
MRS. FARRELL. Dye mean you want to marry me?
MITCHENER. I do.
MRS. FARRELL. No thank you. Id have to work for you just the same; only
I shouldnt get any wages for it.
BALSQUITH. That will be remedied when women get the vote. Ive had to
promise that.
MITCHENER (winningly). Mrs. Farrell: you have been charwoman here now
ever since I took up my duties. Have you really never, in your more
romantic moments, cast a favorable eye on my person?
MRS. FARRELL. Ive been too busy casting an unfavorable eye on your cloze
and on the litther you make with your papers.
MITCHENER (wounded). Am I to understand that you refuse me?
MRS. FARRELL. Just wait a bit. (She takes Mitchener's chair and rings up
the telephone.) Double three oh seven Elephant.
MITCHENER. I trust youre not ringing for the police, Mrs. Farrell. I
assure you Im perfectly sane.
MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Is that you, Eliza? (She listens for
the answer.) Not out of bed yet! Go and pull her out by the heels,
the lazy sthreel; and tell her her mother wants to speak to her very
particularly about General Mitchener. (To Mitchener.) Dont you be
afeard: I know youre sane enough when youre not talkin about the
Germans. (Into the telephone.) Is that you, Eliza? (She listens for the
answer.) Dye remember me givin you a clout on the side of the head for
tellin me that if I only knew how to play me cards I could marry any
general on the staff instead o disgracin you be bein a charwoman? (She
listens for the answer.) Well, I can have General Mitchener without
playing any cards at all. What dye think I ought to say? (She listens.)
Well, Im no chicken myself. (To Mitchener.) How old are you?
MITCHENER (with an effort). Fifty-two.
MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). He says hes fifty-two. (She listens;
then, to Mitchener.) She says youre down in Who's Who as sixty-one.
MITCHENER. Damn Who's Who.
MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Anyhow I wouldnt let that stand in
the way. (She listens.) If I really WHAT? (She listens.)I cant hear you.
If I really WHAT? (She listens.) WHO druv him? I never said a word
to-- Eh? (She listens.) Oh, LOVE him. Arra dont be a fool, child. (To
Mitchener.) She wants to know do I really love you.(Into the telephone.)
Its likely indeed Id frighten the man off with any such nonsense, at my
age. What? (She listens.) Well, thats just what I was thinkin.
MITCHENER. May I ask what you were thinking, Mrs. Farrell? This suspense
is awful.
MRS. FARRELL. I was thinkin that perhaps the Duchess might like her
daughter-in-law's mother to be a General's lady betther than to be a
charwoman. (Into the telephone.) Waitle youre married yourself, me fine
lady: you'll find out that every woman is a charwoman from the day shes
married. (She listens.) Then you think I might take him? (She listens.)
Glang, you young scald: if I had you here Id teach you manners. (She
listens.) Thats enough now. Back wid you to bed; and be thankful Im not
there to put me slipper across you. (She rings off.) The impudence!
(To Mitchener.) Bless you, me childher, may you be happy, she says. (To
Balsquith, going to his side of the room.) Give dear, old Mich me love,
she says.
The Orderly opens the door, ushering in Lady Corinthia.
THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe to speak to you, sir.
LADY CORINTHIA. General Mitchener: your designs on Mrs. Banger are
defeated. She is engaged to General Sandstone. Do you still prefer her
to me?
MRS. FARRELL. Hes out o the hunt. Hes engaged to me.
The Orderly overcome by this news reels from the door to the standing
desk, and clutches the stool to save himself from collapsing.
MITCHENER. And extremely proud of it, Lady Corinthia.
LADY CORINTHIA (contemptuously). She suits you exactly. (Coming to
Balsquith.) Mr. Balsquith: you at least, are not a Philistine.
BALSQUITH. No, Lady Corinthia; but Im a confirmed bachelor. I don't want
a wife; but I want an Egeria.
MRS. FARRELL. More shame for you.
LADY CORINTHIA. Silence, woman. The position and functions of a wife may
suit your gross nature. An Egeria is exactly what I desire to be. (To
Balsquith.) Can you play accompaniments?
BALSQUITH. Melodies only, I regret to say. With one finger. But my
brother, who is a very obliging fellow, and not unlike me personally, is
acquainted with three chords, with which he manages to accompany most of
the comic songs of the day.
LADY CORINTHIA. I do not sing comic songs. Neither will you when I am
your Egeria. Come. I give a musical at-home this afternoon. I will allow
you to sit at my feet.
BALSQUITH. That is my ideal of romantic happiness. It commits me exactly
as far as I desire to venture. Thank you.
THE ORDERLY. Wot price me, General? Wont you celebrate your engagement
by doing something for me? Maynt I be promoted to be a sergeant.
MITCHENER. Youre too utterly incompetent to discharge the duties of a
sergeant. You are only fit to be a lieutenant. I shall recommend you for
a commission.
THE ORDERLY. Hooray! The Parkinsons of Stepney will be proud to have
me call on them now. Ill go and tell the sergeant what I think of him.
Hooray! (He rushes out.)
MRS. FARRELL (going to the door and calling after him.) You might have
the manners to shut the door idther you. (She shuts it and comes between
Mitchener and Lady Corinthia.)
MITCHENER. Poor wretch; the day after civil rights are conceded to the
army he and Chubbs-Jenkinson will be found incapable of maintaining
discipline. They will be sacked and replaced by really capable men. Mrs.
Farrell: as we are engaged, and I am anxious to do the correct thing in
every way, I am quite willing to kiss you if you wish it.
MRS. FARRELL. Youd only feel like a fool; and so would I.
MITCHENER. You are really the most sensible woman. Ive made an extremely
wise choice.
LADY CORINTHIA (To Balsquith). You may kiss my hand, if you wish.
BALSQUITH (cautiously). I think we had better not commit ourselves too
far. If I might carry your parasol, that would quite satisfy me. Let us
change a subject which threatens to become embarrassing. (To Mitchener.)
The moral of the occasion for you, Mitchener, appears to be that youve
got to give up treating soldiers as if they were schoolboys.
MITCHENER. The moral for you, Balsquith, is that youve got to give up
treating women as if they were angels. Ha ha!
MRS. FARRELL. Its a mercy youve found one another out at last. That's
enough now.