SCENE--_A hundred yards or so from the top of Monte Generoso,
above Lake Lugano. CULCHARD, who, with a crowd of other
excursionists, has made the ascent by rail, is toiling up the
steep and very slippery slope to the summit._
_Culchard_ (_to himself, as he stops to pant_). _More_ climbing! I
thought this line was supposed to go to the top! But that's Italian
all over--hem--as PODBURY would say! Wonder, by the way, if he
expected to be asked to come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing
myself like that any longer! (_He sighs._) Ah, HYPATIA, if you could
know what a dreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And I
who believed you capable of appreciating such devotion as mine!
_A Voice behind_. My! If I don't know that back I'll just give up!
How've _you_ been getting along all this time, Mr. CULCHARD?
_Culch._ (_turning_). Miss TROTTER! A most delightful
and--er--unexpected meeting, indeed!
[Illustration: "Struggling with a long printed Panorama."]
_Miss Trotter_. Well, we came up on the cars in front of yours. We've
taken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa reckoned the air would be kind
of fresher on the top of this mountain, and I don't believe but what
he's right either. I guess I shall want another hairpin through _my_
hat. And are you still going around with Mr. PODBURY? As inseparable
as ever, I presume?
_Culch._ Er--_about_ as inseparable. That is, we are still travelling
together--only, on this particular afternoon--
_Miss T._ He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to stray
considerable over in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real pleased to see
_you_ anyway. And how's the poetry been panning out? I hope you've had
a pretty good yield of sonnets?
_Culch._ (_to himself_). She's really grown distinctly prettier.
She might show a little more _feeling_, though, considering we were
almost, if not quite--(_Aloud._) So you remember my poor poems? I'm
afraid I have not been very--er--prolific of late.
_Miss T._ You don't say! I should think you'd have had one to show for
every day, with the date to it, like a new-laid egg.
_Culch._ Birds don't lay--er--I mean they don't _sing_, in the dark.
My light has been--er--lacking of late.
_Miss T._ If that's intended for me, you ought to begin chirping right
away. But you're not going to tell me you've been "lounjun round en
sufferin'" like--wasn't it _Uncle Remus's_ Brer Terrapin? (_Catching_
C.'s _look of bewilderment._) What, don't you know _Uncle Remus_?
_Culch._ (_politely_). Mr. TROTTER is the only relation of yours I
have had the pleasure of meeting, as yet.
_Miss T._ Why, I reckoned _Uncle Remus_ was pretty most everybody's
relation by now. He's a book. But likely you've no use for our
national humorous literature?
_Culch._ I--er--must confess I seldom waste time over the humorous
literature of _any_ nation.
_Miss T._ I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There, don't you
mind _me_, Mr. CULCHARD. But suppose we hurry along and inspect this
panorama they talk so much of; it isn't going to be any sideshow. It's
just a real representative mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with every
prominent peak in the country on the platform, and a deputation down
below from the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,--and
there's Poppa around on the top too.
_ON THE TOP. TOURISTS DISCOVERED MAKING MORE OR LESS APPROPRIATE
REMARKS._
_First Tourist_ (_struggling with a long printed panorama, which flaps
like a sail_). Grand view, Sir, get 'em all from here, you see! Monte
Rosa, Matterhorn, Breithorn--
[_Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to
everybody's relief, his panorama escapes into space._
_Second T._ (_a lady, with the air of a person making a discovery_).
How wonderfully small everything looks down below!
_Third T._ (_a British Matron, with a talent for incongruity_).
Yes, dear, very--_quite_ worth coming all this way for, but as I
was telling you, we've always been accustomed to such an evangelical
service, so that our new Rector is really _rather_--but we're quite
_friendly_ of course; go there for tennis, and he dines with us, and
all that. Still, I _do_ think, when it comes to having lighted candles
in broad daylight--(&c., &c.)
_Fourth T._ (_an equally incongruous American_). Wa'al, yes, they show
up well, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I was about to remark. Sir, I
went to that particular establishment on Fleet Street. I called for
a chop. And when it came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the
plate all around was just as _dry_--! But the moment I struck a fork
into that chop, Sir,--well, the way the gravy just came _gushing_ out
was--there, it ain't no use me trying to put it in words! But from
that instant, Sir, I kinder realised the peculiar charm of your
British chop.
_Fifth T._ (_a discontented Teuton_). I exbected more as zis. It is
nod glear enough--nod at all. Zey dolt me from ze dop you see Milan. I
look all aroundt. Novere I see Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint
me in ze drain, and I slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger,
and altogedder I do not vish I had com.
_Miss T._ (_presenting CULCHARD to Mr. CYRUS K.T._). I guess you've
met _this_ gentleman before!
_Mr. T._ Well now, that's _so_. I didn't just reckon I'd meet him
again all this way above the sea-level though, but I'm just as pleased
to see him. Rode up on the cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road
all the way, _ain't_ it now? There cann't anybody say we hain' made
the most of _our_ time since you left us. Took a run over to Berlin;
had two hours and a haff in that city, and I dunno as I keered about
making a more pro-tracted visit. Went right through to Vi-enna, saw
round Vi-enna. I did want, being so near, to just waltz into Turkey
and see that. But I guess Turkey'll have to keep till next time. Then
back again into Switzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a
fancy to Switzerland. I'd like to have put in more time there, and
we stayed best part of a week too! But Italy's an interesting place.
Yes, I'm getting considerable interested in Italy, so far as I've got.
There's Geneva now--
_Miss T._ You do beat anything for mixing up places, Father. And
you don't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr. CULCHARD this
way. You'd better go and bring Mr. VAN BOODELER along; he's round
somewhere.
_Mr. T._ I do like slinging off when I meet a friend; but I'll shut
down, MAUD, I'll shut down.
_Miss T._ Oh, there you are, CHARLEY! Come right here, and be
introduced to Mr. CULCHARD. He's a vurry intelligent man. My
cousin, Mr. CHARLES VAN BOODELER,--Mr. CULCHARD. Mr. VAN BOODELER's
intelligent too. He's going to write our great National Amurrcan
novel, soon as ever he has time for it. That's so, isn't it?
_Mr. V.B._ (_a slim, pale young man, with a cosmopolitan air and a
languid drawl_). It's our most pressing national need, Sir, and I
have long cherished the intention of supplying it. I am collecting
material, and, when the psychological moment arrives, I shall write
that novel. And I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I
mean to make it a complete compendium of every phase of our great and
complicated civilisation from State to State and from shore to shore.
[CULCHARD _bows vaguely._
_Miss T._ Yes, and the great Amurrcan public are going to rise up in
their millions and boom it. Only I don't believe they'd better start
booming just yet, till there's something more than covers to that
novel. And how you're going to collect material for an Amurrcan novel,
flying round Europe, just beats _me_!
_Mr. V.B._ (_with superiority_). Because you don't realise that
it's precisely in Europe that I find my best American types. Our
citizens show up better against a European background,--it excites
and stimulates their nationality, so to speak. And again, with a big
subject like mine, you want to step back to get the proper focus. Now
I'm _stepping_ back.
_Miss T._ I guess it's more like skipping, CHARLEY. But so long as
you're having a good time! And here's Mr. CULCHARD will fix you up
some sonnets for headings to the chapters. You needn't begin _right_
away, Mr. CULCHARD; I guess there's no hurry. But we get talking and
_talking_, and never look at anything. I don't call it encouraging the
scenery, and that's a fact!
_Mr. T._ (_later, to CULCHARD_). And you're pretty comfortable at your
hotel? Well, I dunno, after all, what there is to keep _us_ here. I
guess we'll go down again and stop at Lugano, eh, MAUD?
[_CULCHARD eagerly awaits her reply._
_Miss T._ I declare! After bringing all my trunks way up here! But
I'd just as soon move down as not; they're not unpacked any. (_Joy of
C._) Seems a pity, too, after engaging rooms here. And they looked real
nice. Mr. CULCHARD, don't you and Mr. PODBURY want to come up here and
take them? They've a perfectly splendid view, and then we could have
yours, you know! (_C. cannot conceal his chagrin at this suggestion._)
Well, see here, Poppa, we'll go along and try if we can't square the
hotel-clerk and get our baggage on the cars again, and then we'll see
just how we feel about it. I'm perfectly indifferent either way.
_Culch._ (_to himself, as he follows_). Can she be really as
indifferent as she seems? I'm afraid she has very little heart! But
if only she can be induced to go back to Lugano ... She will be at
the same hotel--a great point! I wish that fellow VAN BOODELER wasn't
coming too, though ... Not that they've settled to come at all yet!...
Still, I fancy she likes the idea ... She'll come--if I don't appear
too anxious about it! [_He walks on, trying to whistle carelessly._
* * * * *